"It’s not a bad thing to be uninterested in a particular activity that another person may enjoy, but it is when you start to criticize and belittle the person for enjoying whichever activity it may be."
Some of us may love zucchini while others gag at the thought of nibbling just a tiny piece. Some people may like their toast with butter, while others prefer jam or *gasp* maybe even dry! One weird thing I like with my mashed potatoes is olives. I take a handful of green olives and stick them in my mashed potatoes. This probably sounds really weird to some people but I absolutely love it. We all don’t have the same taste in food and we’re okay with that. Why should bedroom preferences be any different?
It’s really easy for a person to be ignorant to another person’s bedroom preferences. They don’t understand it so they reject it. It’s not a bad thing to be uninterested in a particular activity that another person may enjoy, but it is when you start to criticize and belittle the person for enjoying whichever activity it may be.
My intentions in writing this article are not to persuade you to try an activity you’re uninterested in or to even like the idea of it. What I hope you take away from this article is a bit of knowledge, understanding, and acceptance. What may not work for you may work for others and vice versa.
Firstly, if two (or more) adults are consenting to the activity, why get your panties in a knot over it? Just because they’re doing it doesn’t mean you have to. Secondly, an activity that is done in the bedroom by a person does not define the person. Which leads me to the third thing. If a person mentions that they enjoy something and it’s not your cup of tea, there’s no reason to bash the person. It’s simple to say something along the lines of, “That’s not something I’m interested in” rather than “Oh my gosh! EW! Are you SERIOUS? How could you?! You’re weird!” Actually, I think it’s a lot easier to say the first phrase and you don’t end up looking like a close-minded jerk.
You can see this type of behaviour portrayed in movies and books but also in real life experiences with family or friends. Heck, I’ve even seen it in the Eden community. It’s rare, but I’ve seen it. If you like this or that, there must be something wrong with you. Or if you prefer to do this rather than that, you’re stupid and gross. It’s usually the people who know nothing about it and/or have never tried it that are passing judgement.
We live in a society where even talking about sex openly is taboo enough. Add a little kink to the conversation and you’re met with dropping jaws, awkward noises, whispers, and raised eyebrows. There are a few reasons we should not criticize the person(s) verbally. If for some reason you just HAVE to criticize and judge the person, do it in your head. Hopefully you’ll be able to overcome this problem though because none of us are in a place to judge another. But for now, we’ll work on keeping our mouths closed and our minds open.
I’ve listed a few of the things that a person could feel when being criticized for their openness or preference of bedroom activity. I’ve included a definition of each feeling beside it.
Shame: A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
Guilt: The fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.
Remorse: Deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed.
Embarrassment: A feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.
Seclusion: The state of being private and away from other people.
Now, these are just a few of many negative feelings that the person may feel when you you’ve taken it upon yourself to criticize them. No one wants to feel these things—not even you. The worst thing about this is that the person(s) is made to feel this way but there is absolutely no need for it.
I’m going to use a silly example to portray a point…
A person confides in you and tells you that they need to bite another person’s toenails before intercourse. He/she may already feel a bit nervous being open about this, as he/she knows how taboo it is to openly talk about sex. They’re a bit nervous, but he/she wants to share this with you. After they’ve told you about their toenail-biting fetish, you laugh, call them stupid, and tell them how ridiculously gross that is. Oh, you also throw in how “no normal person does that."
Now that person who was confiding in you starts to feel shame and guilt. These are two feelings that a person will feel when they have done something wrong. Ironically, the person hasn’t done anything wrong, but you’ve made them feel as though they have. The person starts to feel secluded, as if they are the only person in the world who enjoys the activity so they begin to think that there is something abnormal or wrong with them.
If a person told you that they love a certain foreign delicacy or dish that you’ve never heard of (octopus tentacles anyone?), you wouldn’t belittle the person for enjoying it. You wouldn’t assume that something terrible had happened in their past for them to enjoy it. You wouldn’t assume that there is something mentally, physically, or emotionally wrong with them. If anything, you’d assume that the person is adventurous for trying such an interested choice of food.
The next time you read/hear a person say that there favourite sexual position is the “flip-it-backwards-then-forwards-ass-in-the-air-ball-gag-in-mouth-while-receiving-golden-showers” position (which basically means anything you find outrageous or out of the norm), try and keep in mind that while it may not tickle your pickle, it tickles others’ pickles just fine. I’ll leave you with a wise quote, which I hope you’ll practice in all aspects of your life. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all."