If you’re the kind of guy who gets a stiffie for a nice pair of legs, wait’ll you hear what four pairs can do for you. Or to you.

A Brazilian Wandering Spider, a vicious and deadly arachnid, was discovered by a clerk in a German grocery store who was unloading bunches of bananas, says Speigel Online. The 13 cm (5.1 inch) spider jumped out of the crate and ran underneath a shelf. After a team of 30 people tried and failed to find the wee beastie for three days, pest controllers poisoned the entire 5,000 square-meter store, pitching all the perishables but keeping all the canned goods. Still, the body (cue chilling music) has not been found.

In looking at various takes on the story Gawker caught the fact that one of the symptoms of being bitten by this spider, along with “pain, paralysis and asphyxiation,” is “Priapism”. Priapism is a prolonged, painful erection that is not produced by sexual stimulation and which MayoClinic.com says, if untreated, can result in tissue damage, causing erectile dysfunction and/or penis disfigurement—presuming, in this case, that the asphyxiation doesn’t get you first. You could croak just thinking “Okay, just let me do this one thing ...”

Loyal readers of Sexis, however, knew all this already!

Anyway, that’s bad wood. Delbert says tear out bad wood. Put in good wood.