""If they don't understand your silence they won't understand your words.""
It has been four years, and being who I am is still difficult for me. My love stands by me and is dedicated to me, but it has not always been this way. We have both cheated and we have broken up many times. The jealousy has been like no other. I hear that people call it the "first timer" jealousy. I was told that when it's someone’s first time they can act crazy. This is definitely an understatement!
In the beginning we were both scared. We were both with guys, as well, because we did not want anyone to think we were together. When we finally got the courage to go out as a couple she suddenly got embarrassed and we went back to being a secret. When we broke up she stalked me; even ripping my shirt off in a confrontation. Her craziness made me crazy, and it became too powerful an emotion.
Then we became close, so close that one could not breath without the other. Everyone had so many questions. No one understood how two people could be so attached to each other. Was it love or lust? Back then, who knew? She could barely brush against me while she was fully clothed and I would have an orgasm!
I remember one incident when my Mom was watching tv with my girlfriend. They saw a gay couple on a show and my Mom mentioned how nasty she thought that was. I still have not told my Mom that my girlfriend and I are together even though she asks me at least once a month. I lie every time.
My lover and I have been together for four years and in the past year we have both had babies. We both got pregnant after we had broken up for about a month or two. We didn't speak for that entire time and then when we spoke again she was pregnant. I took care of her. Soon after we found out I was pregnant, too. We are raising our children together. Their biological fathers do not come around, or pay child support and we are thankful to have each other.
Today we are not as inseparable as we were before. We can go hours without talking, or texting, while at work. We do not snuggle like we did in those first two years. Our sex life is just starting to pick back up since we had the babies.
We are planning our son’s 1st birthday. We have spent hundreds of dollars to make sure his birthday will be amazing. No matter how we struggle our boys get everything they need and more. Our life is comfortable at home, but once we walk out the door it is scary. When someone asks if we are sisters we both stutter and sometimes say different answers. The go-to answer is "best friends". It is not quite a lie and not quite the whole truth.
She wants a wedding but I don't. I am too afraid of everyone’s reactions because we are still half way in the closet. Sometimes being who I am is the hardest part of my life. I don’t want to seem as though I am ashamed of my love and of who I am. Sometimes it seems as though it's not about us and what we feel, but that it's about everyone else and how they feel about us.