Editor's Note: At SexIs we strive to be as factually accurate as possible. Of course, being human, sometimes we get it wrong and are obliged to admit when we do. It is with deep regret that we do so in this case, knowing that our misrepresentations brought pain to someone who deserves none. A follow-up to this article has been published to correct the inaccuracies that have been brought to our attention and share his revised conclusions.
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“Isn’t it about time you grew up and took them out?”
It was my wife’s doctor talking; referring to the matching nipple piercings my wife has had since her early twenties. Now she was breastfeeding, the doctor thought it was time she retired her gleaming barbells.
Our doctor’s attitude wasn’t isolated. As soon as she became a mother, both my wife and I noticed a difference in the way society perceived her. She’d always been an openly sexual individual before — petite, provocative and vibrant — so it was difficult to comprehend how people suddenly wanted her to rein that in.
Moms, it seemed, can’t be sexy.
That might be news to the readers of SexIs — but we’re the lucky ones. The sex positive community of EdenFantasys is filled with sexy moms eager to express themselves. We’re one step ahead of the pack. The “real” world is still catching up.
It’s a conceit that even extends to pornography. Did you know that a growing number of stars in MILF-focused porn aren’t even mothers at all? Once porn stars graduate from “barely legal” they’re enrolled in MILF school. It’s almost as if their age – late twenties to early thirties – is a more important “Mom I’d Like to Fuck” qualification than, y’know, actually being moms.
For my wife and I, this is weird. Even though we’ve had kids, we’re still sexual. In fact, my wife and I are as sexual towards each as ever. The way my wife’s toned body ripened after having kids means I’ve actually never found her more sexually attractive.
But, being a parent has impacted our sex lives. For a start, snotty noses, temper tantrums and dirty diapers are not exactly conducive to seduction. The moment the kids are in bed, we’re normally more eager to fall asleep than into each other’s arms.
And we agreed to seriously compartmentalize our sex lives in a way we never had to do beforehand.
Although my wife and I are both very open-minded, free-thinking people, we’ve always agreed that there are clear rules about being sexually-active parents.
For example, while we once slept in the nude, we now wear t-shirts and Saturday pants to bed - so we’re prepared for nights when our toddler comes shuffling into the bedroom wanting to crawl into bed with us.
Likewise, the arsenal of sex toys that used to lurk beneath our boxspring has been locked up in a big plastic chest out of reach of curious kiddies. It’s taken away the spontaneity of being able to instantly reach for a strap on, paddle or pair of handcuffs – but it’s also meant our kids aren’t going to discover anything inappropriate.
Gone too are the erotic DVDs in the cabinet, the Playboys stacked in the bathroom and the envelope of naughty Polaroid’s we took way back when we’d just started dating. We’ve gone from a very sexual couple – with an apartment that resembled a Moulin Rouge boudoir – to Mom & Pop with a carpet strewn with Legos and a DVD cabinet bulging with Go, Diego, Go! and The Busytown Mysteries.
But we’ve done the right thing. Kids and sex exist in two separate worlds, and we want to keep it that way. In fact, although we both try very hard not to judge, it makes us deeply uncomfortable when we see parents who don’t live by that same rule.
An example? Feminist pornographer Madison Young’s recent decision to feature breastfeeding during a performance piece called “Becoming MILF” – and at the writing and performance program “Sizzle!” held at her Femina Potens gallery in San Francisco.
“Madison Young is creepy-as-fuck for how she uses her baby as a non-consenting prop for her sexual politics and porn marketing,” blogged irsute sex worker Furrygirl. “She should stop posting photos of her baby in a place where she typically posts porn.”
Furrygirl crossed the line in her assault against Madison – accusing her of being a “semi-pedophile” and “knowingly creating masturbation material for pedophiles.” However, that doesn’t change the fact that she was absolutely right for calling Madison out on her behavior. A sexualized performance space is not the appropriate place to bring an infant – let along incorporate one into your “act.”
And like it or not, Madison Young is a highly sexualized brand. Her twitter feed is often NSFW and Sizzle! and other performance pieces held at her gallery, Femina Potens, always have sexual elements.
The very same night she breastfed in public, for example, other performances included incorporating safe sex into “kinky and alternate sex acts” and how to make conversations about consent “hot and dirty.”
So while I don’t agree with Furrygirl that Madison was intentionally sexualizing her infant — I do agree that incorporating her baby into the performance art was at best inappropriate and, at worst, downright exploitative.
As Furrygirl points out: “To the sexy mommy mob, Madison is the greatest hero of her generation, but what about the other 99.999999% of America? I wonder what they would think of a porn star sexualizing the breast-feeding of a baby?”
I believe the other America would respond the same way Furrygirl and I did – by being disgusted.
There are plenty of other porn stars and sex workers who are responsible parents — Belladonna and Lisa Sparxxx being the two I instantly think of. They achieve this by compartmentalizing their sexual identities from their parental ones; much like my wife and I did when we had kids.
Which is why I object so strongly to Madison’s cynical, exploitative behavior. While I support porn stars and sex workers who want a family, and celebrate Madison for remaining a sexual being after becoming a parent, she broke the one unforgivable rule:
There should never be a “bring your child to work day” when you’re a porn star or sex worker.
Period.