December 03, 2009

The Bloggess: AIDS isn’t really that funny

by The Bloggess

Things that are funnier to write about than AIDS

And that’s when Victor left and I sat here thinking about things that are funnier to write about than AIDS. There’s a lot of them.

1. Cancer.
2. Intentionally running over cats
3. Comas.
4. The holocaust.
5. Being molested by Jesus.
6. Murdering hobos
7. Reasons why the Pope might be a cannibal.
8. The elderly
9. Gay, amputee ex-lovers
10. Superfluous nipples
11. Marrying people to steal their organs
12. Hitler
13. Cooking babies
14. Mass murder
15. Alcoholism
16. Abortion
17. Meth addiction
18. Fear of black people
19. Cutting off your evil mom’s head and taking it to your vet and pretending it’s your dead cat so you can have it cremated cheaper than a mortuary would do it so that you can keep your evil mother’s head in a separate compartment than the rest of her ashes so that she doesn’t somehow reanimate herself out of sheer spite.
20. Whether or not Jesus is a zombie.

And that’s a list of 20 topics that are funnier than AIDS that I’ve actually written about recently. So yeah, it’s not like I don’t have mad skills. I just can’t make AIDS funny. I even looked up “AIDS comedy” on the internet and Google was all “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I know, Google. Stop judging me. I give up.

PS. I asked a friend of mine who works at an AIDS center if he knew any AIDS jokes and he said he only knew a lame one about this guy that told all his friends he was dying from AIDS and his son was all “But you have cancer, dad” and the dad’s all “Yeah, but I don’t want them fucking your mother when I’m gone.” And then I was all “Oh my God, that’s…horrible.” And he’s all “Yeah, well, I didn’t say it was a good joke” and I’m all “No, really, that’s not funny at all” and he’s like “I KNOW. I TOLD YOU IT WAS LAME” and I’m all “Maybe you just have bad timing. Are you sure you didn’t fuck up the punch-line?” and then he sighed in disgust and hung up on me. You know why? Because AIDS isn’t funny. Especially if you fuck up the punch-line.