"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."
A Good Girl...
I was raised in the era of the 'good girl', or at least my mother was. The whole time I was growing up, all I remember hearing was "Be a good girl, don't...." or "Good girls don't...." So when it came time for 'The Talk', guess what? Good girls do not have sex or if they do, after they are married of course, then they most certainly do NOT enjoy it! Oh, and they only have sex in one position, missionary. Anything else is not something a good girl would even think about, much less do.
What did I get out of the good girl talk? Inhibitions, prudishness, prejudiced feelings and the injustice of knowing I would never quite managing to measure up to her. Of course, I never figured out just who this good girl was, but her perfection sure was everywhere in my life! And you know what? I was really beginning to seriously dislike her. I mean, who on earth could ever measure up to that damn good girl- oops! I forgot- she does not use words like that, either.
Did you know that the good girl keeps an aspirin between her knees? Yeah, it is to keep them so tightly closed that no boys would ever get in between them. Good girls don't kiss boys that are not going steady with them either. They go on dates- with their girl friends coming along to make sure the boys do not get 'fresh'. Well, in my opinion, being 'fresh' would be better than having them stale.
So, to sum it up, good girls are perfect, do not kiss, have sex, like sex or do it in any position other than missionary after they are married. They also do not run, curse, talk to loud or wear clothing that flatters any body parts. If they are unfortunate enough to have size D breasts, then big, bulky sweaters and shapeless tops are the thing to wear- nothing too fashionable, either- you do not want to encourage the boys!
Oh, good girls are the only ones boys want to marry. Or date. Or... okay, already! Enough about the good girl, I already figured out that I am not good enough or proper enough to ever measure up to her. So, now what? What is the alternative if you are only human, and a teenager?
The other girls I heard about were 'those girls', you know, the loose ones. The ones no one respected, that were always in trouble and the boys used them for s-e-x. Otherwise known as "the bad girls that got in a family way before they were even married!" They had to be sent out of town to stay with a relative for awhile. Yeah, pretty scary, those girls had the morals of a cat in heat- and were twice as bad.
These girls smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, wore revealing clothing and tight jeans, let the boys kiss them and eventually went 'all the way' with the boys. This is what got them pregnant, s-e-x before marriage. Holy... cow, I sure do not want to be one of them! Imagine, a baby on the way before you are married! What a sin!
I never realized those girls were so bad, so morally corrupt and so stupid that they did not use a condom or the pill. I mean, this is the 80's, not 1950-something. However, since my best friend was getting the same talk and a few other girls were talking about those girls, it must be the way things are. Right?
So, why did it seem as if those girls were having all the fun? Why did everyone dislike them so much? I knew who the bad girls were, they only have been my classmates since first grade! And some of them were pretty fun to hang out with, too. Was there something I had missed when they changed from being acceptable friends to becoming 'bad girls'?
I also wondered what was wrong with me. Why did I like it when I was flirted with, paid attention to and asked out on a date by a guy? What was so wrong with me when I wore something sexy and felt, well, sexy? Was I one of those girls, too? What would I do if I was and- gasp!- got pregnant! How would I ever face myself, live alone; ostracized by everyone and known as a loose woman? My inhibitions began to grow... but yet, I could not help myself. I was boy crazy and living in the 80's!
The Good Girl Turned... Cock Tease?
When my best friend got sick and was hospitalized for most of my freshman year of high school, I had to make a few new friends. One of these girls that was in my new circle of friends was from a larger city and had just moved to town, she was having a hard time making friends and I felt bad for her and made her my new best friend. Not knowing of course, that this would be the beginning of a new path. The path of resistance and independence- of finding my middle ground between the good girl and those girls. If only I would have known then, what it took me 18 more years to learn.
So my new friend asked me to spend the night and of course, I did. While over at her house, she stole a pack of her mom's cigarettes and talked me into trying one. Of course, I did with the knowledge that I was doing something bad. It felt good to sneak around and hide. It made me feel like an adult and made the bad girl in me feel very, very good. But years of conditioning and warnings still would not let me go, and even though I started smoking, I still held on to my good girl convictions.
Then on another weekend, we found the wine. It tasted pretty good, like sour and bubbly strawberries and the feeling! Oh, my- it was so much fun to laugh and giggle and the buzzing in my head was priceless! We drank about half the bottle over the weekend and had an amazing amount of fun. I tried on her makeup and the change in my looks was completely shocking! All of a sudden, I looked all grown up! My lips were pouty and full, my eyes smoky and mysterious and there were cheekbones instead of round dumplings! What an amazing transformation, I could not believe the girl in the mirror was me.
I began to sneak into the bathroom before school and put on makeup. I also had 'hand-me-down' outfits from my friends. You know, pants that fit just right, snug but fashionable shirts and of course, being the 80's, the necklaces to go with them. Not necklace- but many necklaces! And the boys definitely began to notice!
So, what was a good girl to do? Even one with bad girl tendencies? Why, be a tease, of course!! See, I could flirt, tease and be just a bit naughty without having to give up anything a good girl would miss. Yeah, sorry to say, I became a tease of the worst sort- I became a cock tease. Want blue balls? Come on to me, flirt with me and let me feel a bit of the power that came from the fact that you want me but you can't have this good girl.
Oh, mother- what did you do? What did you make your good girl become, out of fear and ignorance; both yours and hers. I found out that there are worse things than being one of those girls. There are far more cruel and hurtful people in this world than I ever imagined. I represented one aspect of them- a tease on a power trip. You see, while I was figuring out how to not be one of those girls, my body was making me look the part. My breasts grew to a serious 38D, my waist disappeared into a 21" curve and my hips decided to fill out to 28". Yep- that took everything to a whole new level.
On The Paved Road To Hell...
Jumping forward a couple of years...
I am now a 16 year old, virgin cock tease who has the reputation of a whore and I also have become a contest for the guys- who will be the first one to have sex with me? Oh, and my mother? Well, she has informed me that I am going to hell, I am a slut, one of 'those girls' and no one will ever love me as long as I shall live. So, what is a prudish, virgin whore to do?
The good girl conditioning is still ingrained, but the ideals and perfection of her has run its course. I have since figured out there is no good girl- she does not exist! I tried to live up to a figment of my mother's generation. Oh, my initial best friend? She has been having sex for over a year now and is not pregnant. She also does not have a loose reputation, bad morals and has not left town. Go figure!
I did what any other completely screwed up and screwed over girl would do- meet Steff, the party girl! Just do not expect to fuck her, but she gives great... hand jobs! Want to make out, feel her up, see if those boobs are real? A six pack will do it, but don't bring a rubber, you will never use it. I partied out all the sadness, loneliness and insecurity my mixed up world held. I learned that trust, love and friends were just words and I learned to hate myself and my body.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, or should it be 'good girls'? Either way, I was on the fast track and decided to make damn sure I got there right away. With my mixed feelings on sex, even more screwed up feelings on relationships and the loneliness that took over my life I decided that it was time to hit the road, straight to hell. That was the first time I tried to kill myself. The second time, I actually slept with my boyfriend- who dumped me after winning the contest.
Sex... Is Overrated!
Fast forward. I am an adult, have a job bartending and have been living on my own for a few years. I am 19 and still messed up but I have a better grip on reality. I know the good girl theory is bullshit. I cannot, however resolve the conflict inside me completely. I decided that even though I am a failure at being a good, pure and proper lady, I am also not a tease or tramp. I can have adult relationships and sex will either happen or not- preferably not, since it hurt so much, but in the beginning of the relationship I can pretend it was good. Or so I told myself.
I met a great guy and we moved in together. A small part of me was ashamed that I was living with someone that I was not married to, but I ignored that feeling and told myself it did not matter. A few months later, when I became pregnant I was consoled by the thought that I did not have to pretend to enjoy sex anymore. I also felt something inside me shrivel up and die, I was not sure what it was at the time, but I do know that it changed my outlook on life and relationships. The change was not for the better, either. Of course, when the guy and I decided to get married and raise our child together, we really did love each other and thought it would last forever.
After a very difficult pregnancy, we had our daughter. We had put the wedding off until we were parents and our child was old enough to be a part of it. In the meantime, I learned my soon-to-be husband was a serious alcoholic that drank almost every day. I also learned I had some serious and life threatening health issues that needed to be immediately dealt with before they progressed. Somewhere in the middle of the hospitalizations and operations, but before my hysterectomy and chemotherapy for the cancer that was found, we got married.
Sex was still a chore to be endured. If I had an orgasm, I was in pain for hours afterwards. If he penetrated me wrong, I was in pain for hours. I would bleed for no reason, for weeks and then not for a month. My health was declining, my marriage was evaporating and my husband was drinking after work and would come home whenever. I was a wreck, a ticking time bomb and a sexually cold woman. After my hysterectomy, I became depressed, despondent and even more repressed than before.
Death Of The Good Girl...
I had slipped so far away, that I began to go out and drink when my husband got home. I was an angry, angry woman and damn it, the world was going to find out about it! I had a drunk for a husband, was spayed like a damn cat and was not a woman anymore. I was an "it." Nothing. I was empty, everything female was gone--sex was a joke that I used to have and anger was my only salvation. So, like any spayed 'it', I figured that I was a washed up has-been that never learned what the big deal about sex was, I could live with that.
Once I got off my pity party, straightened up my act and got medical help- I realized that removal of the internal organs had nothing to do with sexual feelings and began experimenting. For once in my life, I had orgasms that were not painful in any way. As a matter of fact, the more I had- the more mind-blowing they became! At the ripe old age of 26, I figured out the secret to why people want to have sex. And why I wanted to!
Of course, by the time I had it figured out, my marriage was over in every way but legally. So I fantasized about a guy I had seen downtown, and man were those fantasies hot! You can imagine what happened when my husband decided to keep partying at home and my fantasy guy walked in! I blushed, acted like an idiot and decided to get to know him. After two years of being best friends, my fantasy guy decided that we should hook up. Of course, "no" was all he got from me! Until a couple months later, when I decided that I had had enough, I wanted out of my dead marriage and was getting a new life.
Have you ever had a fantasy that was so hot and wild, so amazing and readily available? I did. He was my best friend- and he wanted me. I had a one night stand as a married woman. I am not proud of what happened, nor will I try to justify our actions. What we did was wrong, we hurt many people and we have to live with those actions for the rest of our lives.
I got a divorce and eventually married my best friend. Yes, it was more than a one night stand- it has been 16 years. He has proven that the hot, wild fantasies I had were pale in comparison to what we now have and yes, he is still my best friend. Yes- I became one of those girls, but only for a short time. A lifetime of the good girl was still clinging to me and driving me insane.
I managed to deal with her, once and for all a few years ago. I allowed myself to admit that I did enjoy sex, orgasms and the fact that I was a sexual human being. I came to terms with everything I had done- to myself and to others- in my confusion with sex. I apologized to those I had hurt with my personal sexual issues and was finally free of the stigma my mother had attached to a beautiful, fun and satisfying act. My husband, my best friend, and my fantasy man had given me the freedom to acknowledge my sexuality and taught me to revel in it, to accept it and its place as an integral part of me.
I found my peace and happiness, my sanity and stability and I have finally become a whole person. I am a very sexual and sensual woman. I love sex, experimenting and being completely open with my husband about anything to do with sex. I am very multi-orgasmic, I squirt and I am insatiable. Most of all, I am proud to be a sexual being and a woman!
And the good girl? Well, she went to hell with the bad girl. When it was time for the talk with my daughter, we discussed the physical, mental and pleasurable aspects of sex. We talked about being proud of who you are and of your desires and we also discussed how some people's inhibitions and misinterpretations about sex can destroy healthy needs and desires. I asked her to wait until she was emotionally ready for the responsibility of having sex and that the first person she had sex with was someone special, someone that she could trust with that gift. Guess what? My daughter is a married woman who is her own sexual being, and thank God- she has no clue about the 'good girl' or 'those girls'!!!