Distinguishing Fantasy from Reality

Fantasies are beautiful, healthy things. They drive us to improve our quality of life and help us escape when the improvements are not enough. Most likely, it was your fantasies that led you to this website, and gave you the push to explore some of the more unusual topics found here.

Unfortunately, there is a not-so-wonderful side to fantasies, as well. They are, after all, not real. It is my hope that exploding the myths and exposing the reality underneath will not limit anyone’s ability to pursue their dreams. I believe the reality offers far more possibilities for personal happiness than the one-dimensional world presented in most of the myths about masters and slaves. While I might be bursting some bubbles, I hope I’m opening some minds in the process. This is the first in a series of articles designed to explore the stereotypes and misconceptions about masters and slaves.

MYTH: In order to be accepted by others as a master or slave, you must follow a specific set of rules and protocols.
REALITY: There are no universally accepted rules, definitions or protocols for masters and slaves. Some groups have even developed customs by geographic locale—what happens in Alabama may be completely different than what happens in Arizona. There are books that contain suggestions, and there are members of the BDSM community who can teach you what works for them, but no one can claim to be the ultimate judge of what constitutes “proper” behavior for a master or a slave.

MYTH: In the old days, masters and slaves had a universally accepted set of protocols and definitions.
REALITY: What “old days” are we talking about here? Ancient Egypt? The Dark Ages? Victorian England? Colonial America? Most likely, when you hear someone talking about “the good old days,” he or she is referring to a mythical “Golden Age of the Old Guard,” which sadly ended six months before you got there. Bullshit Alert! See above: Universal protocols do not, and have never existed for consensual masters and slaves.

MYTH: There are European houses and/or secret societies for masters and slaves that have existed for hundreds of years. Membership in these societies is usually hereditary, but sometimes exceptional “outsiders” are allowed to join, but must undergo rigorous training to become a master or a slave.
REALITY: Every person I’ve ever met who claimed to be associated with or trained by one of these “secret societies” was either extremely delusional or a calculating con artist. Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

MYTH: Slaves do not have needs.
REALITY: Slaves inhabit a physical body that requires a certain amount of food, water and sleep in order to remain functioning. Slaves also have emotional needs, and their ability to function will become impaired if those needs are not met, as well. These needs are unique to each slave, and cannot be eliminated by imposing rules against them. A rule stating that a slave is not allowed to feel anger is just as harmful (and ludicrous) as a rule stating that the slave is not allowed to sleep. Ignoring the reality of a slave’s personal needs will inevitably lead to a full-scale reenactment of Jack Nicholson’s performance in The Shining.

MYTH: A master must be cold and aloof, or he/she will lose control over his/her slave.
REALITY: Being cold and distant is counter-productive to a healthy master/slave relationship. There are many reasons why people choose to be slaves, but most of them center around a need for connection and intimacy with the person they serve. Bottom line: It’s extremely difficult to serve a stranger. The more a slave knows about his or her masters, the better equipped they are to anticipate and serve their needs. The only reason to maintain distance from a slave is to sustain the illusion that a master is “perfect”. Guess what? Slaves already know that masters are human and, therefore, not perfect. Control is not maintained through fear and awe of the master, but rather, by the willing heart of the slave. (Velveeta Alert! Okay, that sounds really corny and a little cheesy, but it’s true.)

MYTH: A slave is always happy to serve his or her master.
REALITY: Generally speaking, this is actually true, however, everyone has bad days. Illness, PMS, sugar crash, hockey team lost the Stanley Cup—there’s bound to be something that will put a slave in a bad mood. Also, some orders are more “fun” than others. I don’t know many people who would be “happy” to paint a house in 95-degree weather. A slave will do it, but there won’t be much happiness until the task is done.

MYTH: Slaves are not very intelligent and need masters to manage their lives.
REALITY: Do people still believe this? Yes, unfortunately, there are many who do. Masters and slaves are simply two sides of the same coin. One is not inherently superior or inferior to the other, or to any other human being. The only thing that separates slaves from others is a desire to channel their energies in the service of another. In many respects, slaves are not so different than people who choose to give their life in service to a cause or a belief

MYTH: Master/slave is the ultimate goal for anyone in a power exchange relationship.
REALITY: Master/slave relationships are just one of many forms of healthy power exchange dynamics. It’s just like the old adage of comparing apples and oranges: both are fruit, but it’s a matter of personal choice in deciding which is “tastes better” than the other. Regardless of what labels you choose, or what dynamics you incorporate, every relationship has its own set of advantages and challenges.

MYTH: Masters are self-centered people who expect to be pampered by everyone.
REALITY: One of the hardest things for most masters to learn is how to feel comfortable accepting service from others. It is usually quicker and easier for people to perform simple tasks themselves rather than direct someone else to do them. Accepting service requires the patience to wait while the task is being performed, and the willingness to trust that it will be done in a satisfactory manner.

MYTH: People in master/slave relationships have sex and always engage in SM play.
REALITY: We wish! Many master/slave relationships are purely service-based, and do not include any element of SM or sexual interaction. Probably the most common activity for a slave in a dungeon or home playspace is dusting the bondage furniture. Most slaves I know consider themselves lucky if they get to play once a month, and many can count on one hand the number of times they played in the past year.

This, of course, is only the tip of the master/slave iceberg. If this look at truth was in anyway painful, know that ultimately, it will be the kind of pain that brings you pleasure. While there are exceptions to the rule, I truly believe the reality is much more exciting than the fantasy. As we continue to explore the intricacies of owners and the owned, it is my hope that you will come to share that belief with me.