April 07, 2009

Boating for Beginners Part Two: A Handy-Dandy Guide to Cunnilingus for the Guys

by Mr Guy

Cunnilingus isn’t nearly as hard as it’s made out to be. However, it helps to know what you’re doing down there – and, maybe even more importantly - what NOT to do down there.

Ten Play Jacks or Better: Ten Easy-to-Follow Pointers for Better Cunnilingering

1. Don’t start cold.
Nobody likes a cold-call from a telemarketer while they’re eating dinner. At the same time, most women don’t like it when you make a beeline straight for her goodie basket. Get her warmed up first; if you don’t know how, here’s a novel idea: ask her. All women respond differently to different stimuli – so you’re gonna have to, you know, communicate.

2. The Vagina Would Like You to be Nice to It.
Vaginas are made of sensitive stuff. Therefore, it’s in everybody’s best interests that you be as gentle with it as possible.

3. How to Become the Butt of Jokes.
Tongue-fucking. Tongue-fuck her, without any stimulation of the clitoris, and she’ll probably think you’re a moron. Unless your name is Gene Simmons, your tongue probably isn’t going to reach her g-spot. So focus your attentions elsewhere. Like…

4. The Genetic Artistry of Georgia O’Keefe.
It’s the flower that isn’t but is. The upside is that you’ll never develop hayfever allergies to this flower. The clitoris is that cute little button-shaped nub near the anterior of the labia minora, or the inner lips of the vagina (or the innermost petals of an O’Keefe composition). If she’s aroused, her clitoris should be engorged. You can’t miss it. Seriously – the only thing easier to find than a clit on a woman is a Wal-Mart in America.

5. It’s Oral Sex, Dude – Not an Excuse to Make Weird Mouth Noises.
DO NOT blow raspberries on her vagina. She will not like it. Also, she will think that you are stupid. More importantly, blowing into her vagina is dangerous – you could cause an embolism. And the only score for that is FAIL.

DO NOT attempt to leave a hickey. Let’s forget for a moment how juvenile hickeys are – it’ll hurt down there. And that’s not a place where you really want to bring the pain.

If you wear any orthodontics, please remove them BEFORE going down on your partner. She may not thank you verbally; however, she also won’t kick your face off when you get her labia/curlies snagged in your orthodonture. (If your orthodonture is non-removable, you might want to consider a dental dam.)

And, just in case anatomy is not your strong suite, please keep in mind that the vagina is not a wind tunnel, nor is your partner a blow-up doll. As such, please do not blow air into her. Kisses and licks = hot; embolisms = not hot.

6. My Friend Flicka.
The act you are about to perform is not at all like a whipping. It is not a tongue-fuck, nor a tongue-lashing, nor is it a displaced game of tonsil hockey. It’s actually similar to eating soft-serve ice cream from a cone. The idea here is licks. Baby-licks, at that. Swirling, soft baby-licks. You do not need to attack it – this isn’t a blowjob in reverse; there is no need for slurping, gagging, and face-pounding. A few other things to NOT do whilst down there:

‘Flick’ is the pertinent term here. Gently flick your tongue – I said gently, dammit – at and about the clitoris. Alternate between slow, soft, short licks, and long, wet tongue-swirls around the circumference of the clit – and don’t be afraid to give the labia minora a little lick while you’re at it. The point here is that your tongue is not a penis – therefore, rigidity is neither called nor asked for. Keep your tongue relaxed – kind of like the oral equivalent of laissez-faire. All you’ll accomplish with a stiff tongue is pussy-battering. And she probably isn’t gonna like that very much.

7. Lip/Suck.
As she’s starting to get all worked up from the subtle ministrations of your tongue, don’t be afraid to switch it up a little. It’ll either serve to rev her engines further, or tease her for the next round of licking. Gently wrap your lips around her clitoris and rub them together a few times, using the tip of your tongue to tease a tiny bit more.

8. Love Does Not Bite.
If you’re a guy, you might occasionally enjoy the sensation of teeth gently biting you during a blowjob. DO NOT automatically assume she will enjoy this sensation on her bits and pieces. Otherwise, you may find yourself with a fractured mandible, after she bunny-kicks your head clear into the next county.

9. Let Your Fingers Do a Little Walking.
Just because your mouth is the star of the show doesn’t mean that your hands can’t get in on the act. After all, unless you’re in bondage (which is completely acceptable!), cunnilingus itself is a largely hands-free endeavor. Try slipping a finger inside her vagina; or, if she’s so inclined, perhaps even her anus. There’s nothing wrong with additional stimuli; in fact, many women will appreciate your extra effort, in ways you can’t even begin to comprehend (like not making fun of you to her friends – well, not much, anyway). Just ask first - because most people don't like surprises.

10. How to Know When You’re Doing it Right: Rhythm Nation 1814.
Um, she’ll probably let you know. One of the many wonderful things about women is their profound, unhinged demonstrativeness when you’re actually doing something right. Like bringing them to or near orgasm. Even if she doesn’t say so verbally, she’ll tell you through body language. Watch her abdomen – as she gets closer to climaxing, the muscles in both her abdomen and thighs will tighten. Cast your eyes askance, and you may very well see a pair of white-knuckled fists clawing at the bed. Or the upholstery. Or the cat. (Whatever happens to be in her trajectory is gonna get strangled; therefore it is a good idea to not have any breakables laying about the Cunnilinguistic Area.)

Once you’ve ascertained (via visual or oral confirmation, or at least a pretty good beginner’s course in body language 101) that she’s moved into the home stretch of the orgasmic imperative, the key thing for you to do now is maintain the rhythm. Just as common courtesy says that you leave the party with who brought you, common cunnilinguistic courtesy says that you should let her ‘go home’ with the rhythm that got her going. This is not the time to experiment; if little baby-licks are what’s got her motor running, then keep it up. She’ll tell you if you’re on the right track.

Or, she’ll just put your head in a semi-involuntary chokehold, forcing you to tap out. With your tongue. It’s called double-or-nothing. And if you play your hand right, she’ll win every time.

And while there’s no I in TEAM, there is something to be said for having a satisfied partner. Plus, it does wonders for your ego. You know those guys who walk with a gait of unapologetic, completely authentic confidence, if not swagger? That doesn’t mean they’re high-powered sports agents or ponzi-schemers. Nine times out of ten it just means that they know how to give good head.

Call it enlightened self-interest.

Why You Should Never Pussy Out of Eating Pussy

At the end of the day or the tip of the benumbed tongue, the moral of this story is that you should always do your homework when it comes to satisfying your partner. Because if you don’t, chances are your fate will consist of at least one of the following options:

- She will resent/hate/laugh at you. You on the other hand will resent being hated/laughed at, and will go insane and eat bugs down by the river.

- You will prove Darwin right: natural selection has its place in the sexual food chain, too.

- You will be relegated to the wrong end of a pie chart in a forthcoming edition of USA Today, in an article titled Women Who Are Not Satisfied By Their Partners.

- Worse yet, you’ll find your love life the subject of an expose in Cosmopolitan. The only thing worse than this is being the subject of an expose in an issue of Sassy. Yes, we realize that Sassy has been out of publication for awhile; but if your anti-prowess is that pronounced, they might consider a one-shot comeback in your honor.

- Your name will be hallowed in her circle of friends as the only person in the tri-state area who couldn’t find a clitoris if you spotted him the ‘or’ and the ‘is’.