We're guessing Hugh Hefner's way of handling the end of his engagement (plastering half of July's printed issues of Playboy with “Runaway Bride” stickers) cut a little too close for comfort for Crystal Harris. She's out and about and running off at the lips about what she says life was like with Hef behind the bedroom door.

Harris told Howard Stern she's never even seen Hef naked. He never takes his clothes off. Oh, and, by the way? Sex with Hef only lasted “two seconds.”

“Then I was just over it,” she says. “I was like, 'Ahhh.' I was over it. I just like, walked away. I'm not turned on by Hef, sorry.”

But that's not all. In all the time they were together, Harris says they only had sex once.

Imagine! An 85-year-old man having sexual issues.

Oh, Crystal. Nobody likes a bitchy ex-girlfriend. Especially when she's the one who did the leaving.