This used to be a huge source of contention in my marriage. My hormones are raging almost constantly, and sex just wasn’t fitting into the picture as often as I wanted or needed it. Life gets in the way, and his sore knee has little sympathy for my rabid libido – and vice versa. We had some arguments about it. I made some bad decisions that made things worse. But then, as we made it easier to have a dialogue about sex – which we never really did before – it got better.

One of the things that has really helped is when I turned to him one night and asked, “Would you mind if I helped myself out with that problem I was telling you about earlier?” I think it had been one of those nights where we both wanted sex, but one or both of us was experiencing some sort of physical malady that prevented us from having it.

He, of course, told me he didn’t mind at all. In fact, he never would have minded. It was my own sense of insecurity that had prevented me from masturbating in my husband’s presence before. It felt awkward at first, but I got over it within a week or two. I hope he doesn’t regret his decision, because I usually have to “help myself out” – my favorite euphemism – any night we don’t have sex right before going to sleep.

It’s also made it easier for us to enjoy sex together, even when exhaustion, sickness, or injury prevents us from being able to have intercourse. Now that I’m more comfortable about pleasuring myself in front of him, we can get into some heavy petting with each other before breaking off to finish the job ourselves with some mutual masturbation.

I think this simple fact has led to a more satisfying sex life for both of us. Let’s face it – sometimes you really are just too tired to get into the whole shebang with your partner, considering the time commitment involved in foreplay and ensuring both of you are satisfied. When you make yourself responsible for your own orgasms, at least from my personal experience, you can both be done in under two minutes. Then it doesn’t matter how late it was when you climbed into bed together!

These days, I don’t have to go to bed frustrated anymore, so I’m not building up any resentment (I was very resentful before) about lost sleep from that particular discomfort when my husband just isn’t into it that night. I know people talk about sexual frustration as something you should just be able to ignore, but it can have serious effects on your mental health and well-being. No one should be denied an orgasm. (Note to guys: This does not mean you’re allowed to pressure a woman into sleeping with you, so you don’t get blue balls. But you can grab yourself a magazine and go to town with a little bit of lotion.)

It boggles my mind when I read articles online where women write in anonymously to some “relationship expert” somewhere with a question like, “Help! How do I get my boyfriend/husband to stop masturbating?”

I mean, seriously? Why would you take offense to this? Unless he’s choosing to fly solo instead of having sex with his partner, what’s the harm? No couple can have their respective sex drives in sync with each other 100 percent of the time, meaning someone’s either going to be frustrated or guilt-tripped into having sex when they don’t really feel like it. And that’s no fun in either case.

Oh sure, I know there are some religious taboos concerning masturbation, but I think that’s a separate issue entirely – one that should have been discussed earlier on in the relationship before it became a Big Issue. If women (and men) were able to see that touching yourself is about satisfying a biological urge – and not about any sort of failing in the relationship – I think we’d all be a lot happier.

Maybe your boss and coworkers wouldn’t be so cranky all the time if they were getting more satisfaction. Right? Plus, as I mentioned above, just because you’re the one getting yourself off in the end doesn’t mean you can’t involve your partner in getting warmed up.

How does everyone else feel about masturbating in front of their partner? Is it a turn on? Does it creep you out? Does it matter to you if the lights are on or off? I’m just curious. How would you feel if your partner brought up the subject with you?