December 08, 2009

Project: Good in Bed—Yes, I So Rocked His World!

by Alisa Bowman

Last I wrote, I was feeling like an old, haggard, dull excuse for a wife—the very type of wife who might have a husband who wasn’t particularly interested in bedding down with her. I can tell you, worrying that you may no longer be attracted to your husband is one problem. Worrying that he may no longer be attracted to you? That’s a problem of an entirely different magnitude.

Yes, I So Rocked His World!

I went online and I read a bunch of entries from Alexa DiCarlo’s Real Princess Diaries blog. She’s a high-class prostitute. I figured if anyone knew what my husband secretly wanted me to do for him in bed, it was her.

Alexa informed me that men beg for the opportunity to smack her boobs around. They moan in ecstasy when she shoves her finger up their bottoms. They thank the heavens for the permission to piss all over her.

Although I found all of that enlightening, I didn’t find it helpful. I’m all for sexual experimentation, and there are a lot of risqué things I’m willing to try in the bedroom. Getting peed on and sticking my finger up my husband’s dupa are not among them. Maybe someday I will be that wife, but today is not that day.

So I sat on the couch and I stared into space for a while, as if staring into space would somehow transform me into a married vixen who knows how to rock her man’s world. It didn’t.

Then I cursed myself for having the audacity to blog that I was going to rock his world in bed. If I hadn’t blogged it, I could have just resorted to our usual mediocre sex—and no one except for me and my husband would have been the wiser.

And, then, in the mail, I found a little box, and in that box was a DVD that I’d ordered a few weeks before. It was Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex—Fellatio. It seemed like a sign, you know? So I put it in the DVD player and I watched it.

Now, let me say this: It’s not as if I don’t know how to give a good blowjob. Over the years, I’ve become somewhat adept at it. The DVD, however, did teach me a few new techniques, though. For instance, the actress in the DVD sucked on the man’s testicles. And I mean she sucked them hard, like they were big pieces of rock candy.

I’d licked my husband’s testicles before, but I’d never thought to suck on them. “That must hurt,” I thought. “But maybe I should try it anyway.”

My husband was due home for our nooner in a couple hours. As I waited for him to arrive home, I:
1. Gave myself a Brazilian.
2. Slathered coconut oil all over my body.
3. Put on some lingerie. Specifically, I made sure to wear the thong panties that my husband loves (because he’s a butt man)
4. Put on a bathrobe (so I could walk around the house and not have the neighbors peek through the windows and see me in my lingerie)

And then, dressed in lingerie and a bathrobe, I worked at my computer—waiting for him to get home.

Let me tell you something: I don’t care how nonexistent your sex drive is. I don’t care how exceptionally boring whatever it is you are doing at your computer. If you give yourself a Brazilian, lather your entire body up with lube, and sit in a skimpy outfit for a couple hours, you will be hotter than The Everglades in July by the time your husband comes home for your nooner.

And, ladies, I don’t know about you, but when I feel hotter than the Everglades in July, lots of strange, magical things happen. They include:

1. I’m suddenly 10 pounds skinnier
2. When I look in the mirror, I see Heidi Klum’s image staring back
3. My boobs become young, full and perky again
4. My husband looks like God’s gift to women
5. I think it’s fun to pretend I’m a stripper and do really wild and crazy things in bed

By the time he walked in the door, I had fully transformed into a seductress who purred syrupy lines like, “Let me lead you to the bedroom.” I pushed him onto the bed. His back landed on the mattress with a soft thud. He edged himself onto his elbows and looked at me with a crooked grin that said, “I don’t know what you did with my wife, and I so don’t care.”

I took off my bathrobe and let it fall to the floor.

“Wow,” he said.

I climbed on top of him. I started kissing and licking his neck. I slowly made my way down his body. I took my good old sweet time with my husband. There was no rush. Neither one of us had anywhere we needed to be than in bed with each other. I slowly licked and kissed every part of his man bits.

Just before sucking his balls, I purred, “I’m going to try something new. Stop me if you don’t like it.” He nodded.

I pulled one testicle into my mouth. He put his forearm over his eyes, turned his head to the side, and grimaced. I stopped.

“I’m sorry. That hurts, doesn’t it?’

“No! Oh, my God. It’s fantastic. Just fantastic.”

“Oh,” I said.

And then I pulled the other ball into my mouth.

He said, “Is this all about me or are we going to have sex together? I’m asking because I’m going to blow in about 10 seconds if you keep doing that.”

“Oh,” I said.

I lightened up, just teasing him a bit, bringing him close to the edge, but not letting him go past it. No, it wasn’t quite time for him to blow. I was going to rock his world, and worlds don’t get rocked in 10 seconds or less.

When it seemed as if he was beside himself with sexual tension, I stood up. I swayed my hips back and forth as I slowly took off the panties. I got on top of him. I brought him inside of me.

“You’re a furnace,” he said.

“I know,” I said. “I’m hot.”

I slowly moved my body, trying to make it last. I wanted to stay in control, to drag it out, to really tease him—and me. But I was already losing control. My body wanted a release and it wanted it now. It was time.

We came almost simultaneously. It was good and it was sweet and it was powerful.

“How was that?” I asked, my chest now against his, my lips near his ear.

“It was fantastic. You totally rocked my world,” he said.

“That was my goal,” I said.

Now, let’s see if I can do it again.

Alisa Bowman writes about marriage at