In and Out of the Closet

But you would be sorely mistaken, because underneath is a very kinky girl.

This mother of four is also a girl who enjoys trying all kinds of new things with my husband, and loves new sex toys and accessories so much that I write reviews for edenfantasys.com and tell my stories on their sexually positive blog and magazine.

One part, a good mom who loves her kids, raised them well and has a great relationship with them, even now. One part, a woman who loves to dance, loves to party, loves to rock, and loves her kinky sex. A contradiction in terms, a tightrope walker. But it works, and it’s who I am. In some ways it’s who I’ve always been. Even as a child I was a bit of a rebel. An excellent student who every parent wanted their kids to hang around with. If they only knew. I don’t think I was a bad kid, more of an adventurous one. Though there is, to this day, a more conservative, uptight, inhibited side of me as well. Most people who know me fairly well do not know that this kinky side exists. Pretty much the only person who knows this side of me completely is my husband. He knows the real me, the whole me, the closet kink me.

Actually it all started when I met him. He was the boy I should have stayed away from, but I’m so grateful I didn’t. He was the kinky one—though I didn’t know it at the time. Actually I don’t think I even knew there was such a thing. When I met him, I knew so little about sex. Even though he wasn’t my first, I had never even experienced an orgasm. I knew almost nothing about oral sex or even foreplay. Let alone things like toys, bondage or temperature play.

Shortly after the first time we made love, he started making the kinkiness started to creep in: “Had you ever been tied up?” he asked. “Would you like to be?” What? Was he kidding? I thought he was nuts! But even though my mouth and my mind were saying no, a rush ran through my body straight down to my toes at the thought of such a thing. Though of course, I never told him that. I’m not sure if I even understood what was going on. I was so young and so inexperienced.

His reply was always the same: “You never know until you try it.” And I did…eventually. Slowly but surely, he brought out a side of me that I had no idea existed. And the more things we tried, the more I loved it.

In the early years, it was smaller things like bondage, food play, blindfolds and dressing up. Every one of those was a hurdle for me to overcome. I was not an easy student, and I was scared to death to push the envelope. It took time and trust, and my inhibitions always wanted to get in the way. But my husband was patient and loving, and showed me that by opening myself up to him and these experiences, I was opening myself up to a whole new world of sensations. Also, I really wanted to please him, to make love to him like no one else ever could. There is nothing in this world that pleases me as much as the look in his eyes when we try something new and I know it’s really turning him on.

You would think that eventually, I would have just completely let go. But as the stakes got higher, and the sex got kinkier, my natural instinct was to stop and keep things right where they were. He, on the other hand, wanted to experiment with toys and anal sex, and adding a little pain with the pleasure. Again, I thought he was nuts. I was not going into a sex store. What if someone I knew saw me? Besides, I had no interest in toys. Which is really funny, considering how many I have now. Anal sex was absolutely out of the question. That is until the first time we tried it and I had an orgasm unlike anything I had ever experienced before. And pain? Who knew that could feel so good? (Now, I’m a “pull my hair and I’ll follow you anywhere” kind of girl.) I will admit there have been times that a little liquid encouragement has been a necessary evil. But it did help me to come out of my shell, my closet, when nothing else would work. It wasn’t that I didn't want to come out. Occasionally, I just needed a little push.

And now? For the most part, I no longer have a problem with new things. Actually, I’m the one who initiates most of the “exploring uncharted territory” these days. Maybe it’s because I feel a bit more comfortable in my skin; more comfortable with who I am, kinky girl and all. By giving myself permission to let go, I’ve learned a lot more about myself and what I like. And I’m finding that sharing that with my husband has made a great sex life even better.

But even though I’ve come a long way, I do still have a ways to go. I think that’s a good thing, though. Could you imagine if there was nothing new to look forward to? No kink unexplored? There are still things I’ve never told him I would like to try. Fantasies that I’ve kept to myself. He doesn’t even know that I occasionally watch porn without him. Or that I have a little stash of toys hidden in my bathroom. I’m not sure what I’m still afraid of. After 32 years of making love with this man, I know I can trust him implicitly. But at times, the two sides of me still conflict. My wilder, kinkier side wants to go for it, but my more uptight, inhibited side won’t let me…yet.

So the next time you see someone walking down the street, and you think to yourself they look like a typical, boring, vanilla sex soccer mom, you just might be wrong. Very wrong! Because we come in all shapes and sizes…and many of us in disguise.

Or am I the only closet kink?