Kink is a noisy kind of play. So is sex in general, but with kink, in addition to your moans of ecstasy, you have thwacks, slaps, cracks, cries, wails, squeals, and any number of other sounds that could be mistaken for coming from either a zoo or a bar fight. This often makes kinksters less than ideal neighbors—and terrible roommates.
Not only is kink noisy, it can be time-consuming. This is one of its better qualities, in my opinion, since kink can make a sexual encounter into the long, drawn-out pleasure session that many of us dream about. But this also makes it difficult to get enough privacy for those of us who share living quarters.
My roommate can send me out for a couple hours while her boyfriend is over, and when I come back, I can be absolutely sure that they’ll be done having sex. But if I did that, there’s no guarantee that she wouldn’t be walking back in to see my limbs tied to my bedposts and my partner wielding a whip or a knife. To make sure no roommate is traumatized, negotiation is key.
One must negotiate with a roommate as one does with a play partner. Firstly, I recommend that if all possible, kinky people should find like-minded, or at least open-minded, roommates. Needing so much privacy for sex will be hard enough to explain to the uninitiated—much less your bruises and your extensive collection of toys, your leather daddy hat, and your assless chaps…
A roommate’s consent is just as important as a partner’s. You live together, after all, and a trusting relationship is important to the quality of life for both of you. Further, it’s just “not okay” to involve someone non-consensually in your sexual encounter by allowing the possibility of them accidentally witnessing it. Like it or not, sex in a room when you have a roommate is basically having sex in public. All the same precautions must be taken.
As a kinky person who has had a few roommates, I recommend that you have an open, honest negotiation about what each of you need. Even if your roommate can’t always give you the space you require, it’s important that you let your needs be known. Sure, you might share toothpaste with your roommate, but they can’t read your mind, and it’s not fair to expect them to. Like in all relationships, your mantra should be: “Communication. Communication. Communication.”
The 411 on DYI
Now, maybe you don’t have a roommate that lives with you in your room, but you live in close quarters with others. Lucky you, you have some privacy! But you still want to make sure you don’t keep them up all hours of the night, or inspire awkward questions in the morning if you’re not ready to field them. Then you might be interested in a bit of soundproofing.
One thing you can do is put heavy theater curtains over your door. It makes you entryway sexy, and it ensures that much less sound travels through the cracks of the doorframe. You can even pretend they’re stage curtains for a burlesque show…
Another tried-and true method is to play music in the background. Now, this may work if you’re not being too loud, but it may also just compound the sound and annoy your roommates further. There are more ways to soundproof your walls if the curtains and music aren’t cutting it. I won’t go into them, but for more information about DIY soundproofing, look here.
If you’re lucky enough to have your own walk-in closet, you might consider turning that into your kink space. You can trick it out with bondage furniture, chains, or maybe even a suspension rig. This can also kill two birds with one stone, because it can be an excellent private space to put all your kinky toys, so that your bedroom can be kid, guest, and relative-friendly. Just make sure you’re the only one with a key to that closet.
A different approach you can take is to stop the sound from the source. If a partner’s screaming is an issue, use a gag. Now this is important: Do not just use a ball gag. Those do not dampen sound. Instead, use a stuffer gag that goes inside the mouth and doesn’t hold it open. If you’ve gotten into the DIY spirit, you can stuff some small panties into their mouth and tie them in place, or you can stuff one stocking into their mouth and tie it in place with the other. This way, sound is absorbed by the material.
If the sound of impact play is a problem, and you are unable to soundproof your play area, you may have to find other, less noisy ways to hurt your partner. Never fear! There are a myriad of other options, including knife play, clips, clamps, clothespins, zippers, fire play, candle wax, scratching, biting, and uncomfortable/sadistic bondage. If you must hit, punching is a good option, as it makes significantly less sound than open-hand slapping. A couple other good options are caning, which makes very little noise, and paddling with the furry side of a paddle.
The All-Important Explanation
Now, if you ended up making too much noise, and your roommate asks you later what in the blazes you were doing, you may have to become the master/mistress of excuses. Some good ones are:
• We were reading lines for a play
• We were watching Saving Private Ryan
• We were doing a Civil War re-enactment
• We were listening to experimental Screamo
Or, you could go the truthful route with:
• You don’t want to know.
• Having sex, couldn’t you tell? or
• Safe, sane, consensual, risk-aware BDSM
Personally, I’m a fan of honesty, but only you know what your situation is.
Moral of the story: Respect your roommates. If you expect them to respect you, give you privacy, and try to understand your lifestyle, then you have to reciprocate. Be open, honest, and willing to negotiate. And maybe do them a favor or two, like vacuum or do the dishes, before asking them (nicely!) to clear out for the night. Love thy neighbor, even if they stand between you and kinky sex.