There are a lot of ways to learn to be the best dominant that you can be, from falling into the role with an equally inexperienced submissive and finding your way as you go, to being formally trained by an existing dominant or professional in your community. In my mind it’s akin to becoming an artist and, in some ways, is becoming an artist, as every person will have their own style and approach, and no two will ever be the same.

Going through years of formal art education does not mean you will be the best artist. Some of the most talented artists that ever lived had minimal instruction and found their own way along. And yet, it seems that the best have some combination of both.

The same holds true for learning to be a dominant. Each person will find their own way of learning and mastering the art of being, well, a Master. There is no right or wrong way for everyone to learn – each person should find what works for them.

My journey was not the most common, but I believe it made me the best I can be. It was an odd progression of finding my own way early on, dotted with self-education, and topped off with a healthy dose of rigid, formal education.

I was introduced to BDSM at 17, and continued to experiment and find my natural niche as a domme in the following years. Control and domination came naturally to me, and as I ended my teens, I began to come into D/s dynamics because people in the community around me recognized something in me that probably was not fully developed at the time.

The thing that had the most influence on the domme I became happened right before I hit 20. I was asked if I offered my services professionally. I was young, broke, and really enjoyed the role, so I said yes. I worked by word of mouth and referral, and before I knew it, I was an executive assistant by day and dominatrix by night, and had a handful of faithful clients.

The vast majority of what my clients desired, I could provide. They were, for the most part, into pain, punishment, humiliation, and servitude – all things that had been used in personal dynamics I’d had to that point. But as a young go-getter I wanted to be better and do more so I got my hands on every BDSM book I could, and I read and internet searched until my eyes blurred. This gave me a great foundation – a great understanding of the psychology of D/s and M/s dynamics, a theoretical understanding of fetishes I hadn’t yet explored, and a knowledge bank of techniques and tools. But knowledge only goes so far without experience.

At this point, I was familiar with many people in my local BDSM community (they were where I found my business, after all), but there wasn’t really anyone who could provide me with a complete education. Everyone around me had something to offer, and people in the community are extremely generous with knowledge – that I took plenty advantage of – but I wanted the confidence that came with something more intensive. So, I contacted a dungeon about an hour from my house and in a short amount of time, began formally training with them. In this setting, I began as the lowliest slave to the Master and Mistress who ran the space.

I experienced everything from being a house servant, to light pet play, to learning traditional (and some non-traditional) positioning, to being restrained and punished (all done consensually of course). As I progressed in my training over several months, I was given the opportunity to act as a switch, to dominate some of their house slaves, and to develop my strengths and recognize and work on my weaknesses.

I earned, through servitude and obedience, the opportunities to put my dominance skills into practice. Through this progression, I got to be on both sides of several fetishes I might not have experienced otherwise, was taught technique with tools (paddles, floggers, chastity devices, etc.), equipment (cages, stocks, and racks), and command language from people that, at that time, had more experience in the lifestyle than I do today.

I spent nearly a year training under the Master and Mistress. While I may have been able to gather the same amount of knowledge and experience in other ways, it likely would’ve taken far, far longer and included mistakes with clients, play partners, and within my own relationships that didn’t happen because I was handed down knowledge from people who already had it and were willing to share.

Mind you, I don’t claim to have perfected this craft. As with anything else, I am still constantly learning and growing and will have to re-adapt my skills for every new dynamic I enter. All people are different. All relationships are different. So, just as no two submissives will be the same, there is no one-size-fits-all method to dominance.

I also do not believe that the way I was educated is the correct way for everyone. But if I could go back and do it all again, I wouldn’t change the way I was trained. I believe I had the best of all experiences – from the least formal training to the most. And through being initially trained as a slave, I have a deep understanding of the impact and responsibility of a dominant in a scene or relationship.

There is only one point of order I would consider necessary for anyone being trained in the art of dominance: Learn all you can from everyone you can.

As I said earlier, you would be hard pressed to find a BDSM community that is unwilling to help you along your way, and every person has their own strengths and techniques to pass along. I’ve yet to come across a sex/BDSM blogger that doesn’t freely offer help and advice, and have a bevy of resources for questions they can’t answer. There is no lack of information on anything available in books and on the internet, from fetishes, to equipment, to understanding the psychological dynamics between a dominant and submissive.

The more education that you have, the more you will be able to engage in different types of play, the better more responsible dominant you will be, and the more you will be assured that you are being safe while having fun. And isn’t that the end game we all want?