February 08, 2010

Diary of a Sex Surrogate: Come One, Come All...But Not So Fast, Gentlemen!

by The Beautiful Kind

Did you know that the average woman takes about 20 minutes to achieve orgasm? The majority of men, on the other hand, don’t have a problem coming in 5 minutes. If a woman can orgasm during intercourse (though not all do), she’s going to require more time than most men need. Basically, a woman’s orgasm is like a symphony, whereas, a man’s is more like a rock song.

In the Moment

This 38-year-old had a similar problem: He possessed awkward social skills—he didn’t smile much, was a bit detached and cold, gave minimal eye contact, and was very uptight. Whenever he was with a woman, he came too quickly, sometimes before he could even get inside her. He said he had better luck controlling his orgasm when he was by himself, but when he was in a dating situation, it was game over before it even started.

I worked with him slowly. My goal was for him to get comfortable and used to being with someone. It helped that I knew of his anxiety—usually he tried hiding it from the person he was with, which only made things worse.

After some talking sessions, I set up a relaxing environment for some hands-on work—dim, candlelight, soft music, I wore beautiful lingerie. I had him lie facedown in his boxers and receive a warm oil massage. I touched his body all over, went slow, spoke reassuringly. Once he relaxed and became aroused, I put the condom on him and started out missionary. He slid inside me, but right away yelped, “I feel like I’m gonna come!”

“Stop. Pay attention to yourself,” I whispered soothingly. “Focus on your breathing. Breathe. Breathe slowly. Focus on what is happening right now, not what’s about to happen.”

He did as I said, and we kept pausing whenever necessary so he could regain his momentum without going over the edge. After a couple more positions, we ended with doggy style. I gave him the green light to let himself go, which he gratefully did.

We got together four more times to practice his technique. With each session, he became more at ease, lasting longer and longer. The proud smile he had last time I saw him was so satisfying! It’s my hope that his progress carried over to real life dating.

Things to Consider

I’m not into suggesting you think about dead kittens or angry mothers-in-law as a way of taking your mind off what’s going on. Instead, be present in the moment and enjoying it, but put your partner’s pleasure first. If you make your partner a priority, then your own pleasure will follow. Here are some other things to try:

• Wear a condom. You can even try desensitizing condoms or doubling up.
• If you’re going bareback, try using silicone lube. It offers a different sensation than water-based lube, acting almost as a micro-thin barrier.
• Don’t pee before having sex. Sometimes if you have to pee, it blocks the urge to ejaculate.
• Save positions that rub you the right way until last. Start with missionary and end with girl on top or doggy style.
• Have sex with your partner more often. A friend of mine used to only have sex once every two weeks with his ex-partner, and he found himself coming really quick. Now he’s in a relationship where he’s having partnered sex every day, and he has no problem controlling his orgasm.
• Experiment with you or your partner finding your “stop spot”—pushing on the base of your penis or the area between the balls and anus as a way of interrupting orgasmic buildup.
• Explore Tantra. Tantra is about being in the moment, not hurrying towards a goal of orgasm. A lot of men unconsciously carry the mentality they had as a teenager. Tantra retrains you. You can even train yourself to separate orgasm from ejaculation, meaning you can have as many orgasms as you want in a session!
• Communicate with your partner. If something is bothering you, speak up! Hiding things from your partner will only perpetuate dissatisfaction. You may have avoided certain topics in past relationships. How did that work for you? Now is your chance to break the cycle and be open and honest.

Patience and regular practice is the key. Experiment with some of the advice I’ve imparted here, and be kind to yourself. If you keep working on it, eventually you will become the master of your own orgasm.