What tip or technique do you wish your ex(es) had known?
I’ve been exceptionally lucky in that nearly all the exes I’ve had have given me some pretty good lovin’. The only thing I can really wish is that I hadn’t come of age in the time of bad ’80s porn. A generation of men learned how to give oral sex based on crappy XXX movies with nothing but a bunch of flickering tongue that looks good on camera and rarely gets the job done. The first time a guy actually got it right, I grabbed a handful of hair in each hand, hollered something like, “If you stop doing exactly what you’re doing, I will kill you,” and then nearly did kill him when I wouldn’t let go and he couldn’t breathe.
I got off like a rocket and looked at him like he was a god for months. Had we not split up he’d likely have needed tongue reconstruction surgery since I’m quite sure I’d have worn his down to a nub.
Guys, do not use porn as a text book. I spent the late ’80s and early ’90s bemoaning the fact that men seemed to believe deranged, butterfly flickering felt good.
Never send unsolicited erotica. Just saying. Especially if said erotica involves horses, and includes a note which says ‘been thinking about you’. All it’ll get you is a stack of unreturned emails. And possibly a lesson in memetic theory.
Well, overall, it would have been great if he’d known the technique of not being an ass. Specifically in bed, though, I wish he’d understood that “satisfying your partner” really isn’t all there is to a good sex life. He thought that as long as I was having fabulous orgasms, we were all good—and I definitely wasn’t complaining about that part! But he was too tense to come most of the time, and didn’t understand how troubling and unfulfilling that was for me. He reassured me constantly that he enjoyed what we did in bed together, and I believed him; I didn’t feel inadequate, but I felt alone. Seeing my partner get off is almost as hot for me as getting off myself; there's an intimacy to it that goes beyond just bumping uglies. It’s about sharing that most vulnerable, most explosive moment with one another—that’s the best part!
My ex- was a “missionary to the day I die” fan. What tip or technique do I wish she’d known? Anything else. But if I really had to pin one down, I’d say some first-rate fellatio with maybe some ice chips in her cheek pockets. Or maybe something involving motor oil, trash bags, and some batteries. Anything that gave her a little sexual spunk would’ve been greatly appreciated, not matter what it was!
I had a partner who thought that because he was well-endowed, he was automatically good at sex. I wouldn’t say there was a specific tip or technique he was lacking, it was more an attitude of being heaven’s gift to all females.
In truth, he was a fairly decent lover, but if he’d been a bit more willing to take direction, he could have been much better. But with the mindset of, I know what you like, and here it is, it was hard for me at the time — was nineteen, he was twenty-five—to say, “Seriously, it’s a clitoris, not a joy buzzer.”
To make a long story short, he didn’t make the most of his natural ... erm … “assets” because his overconfidence prevented him from learning new techniques.
Good cunnilingus is for marathon runners not sprinters. Pace yourself. Go easy at first. Let the tension build. Don’t pull my pubic hair or pierce my thighs with your bony elbows. Find a sustainable position that’s comfortable for both of us. When I’m building to climax, keep the pressure on but don’t try to rub out my clit like an eraser. Sometimes women fake orgasms because they don't know how to say “cut that out.” The second and third orgasms are better and faster than the first. When I have come, don’t move. Don’t get up for a congratulatory high-five. Keep your tongue still on my clit. Feel the pulse in it. Don’t move. When I’m ready to go again, I’ll move a little. Wiggle. Gasp. Go slow. Gentle. I’m very, very sensitive and that can be a good thing—if you don’t overdo it.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had an ex, but I seem to recall that I’ve had several. There was one fellow who insisted on “giving me an orgasm”—as if that were up to him. His determination to prove how good he was in bed bordered on control freakishness. He was so totally goal-focused, that he missed the pleasure of the ride, and sadly, most of the time, so did I. If he had asked what I wanted or liked, instead plowing ahead on an obviously tried and true course (I can only surmise his other conquests were more adept at faking orgasms than I), a better time would have been had by all.
I’m pleased to say most of my exes have been great lovers (at least over the past six or seven years). As I have gotten a little more worldly, I’ve found that a partner who doesn’t communicate and work towards having great sex with me is highly unlikely to communicate or work towards having a great relationship, as well. I do wish my ex-husband had been more willing to not judge my interest in bedroom kinkiness – he freaked out when I brought it up to him and I ended up feeling “bad” for my desires. I also wish that one of my ex partners could kiss better – if I end up feeling as if I’d been greeted by a spastic Labrador Retriever, it’s not exactly a turn on.