Some days I feel like I can't even figure out what I am, where I want to be, what I want to eat. I cannot get comfortable in anything; every decision feels both difficult and pointless. The nights are terrible, too. I wake up from nightmares about my ex, or (worse) dreams that everything is fine between us. Waking up from the latter is like getting broken up with all over again.
It's an odd state of limbo, which I hope helps explain the reason I edited this month's episode the way that I did. I wanted to show you, visually, the madness I feel in my head.
As for the break up itself, I know it was the right thing to happen. He really wasn't very into me, and wasn't the best relationship choice. Sometimes I think I do that on purpose, keeping myself held up in a string of things that I know won't work out. I do get very romantic about them, thinking I will somehow be able to turn shit into wine. And then the shit just stays shitty and I act surprised.
The dumper, now my "ex" was one of those people who is extremely paranoid about online presence. Odd since he was on all social networks, but he regularly would send me articles about oversharing and get upset if I mentioned his first name in posts. He wouldn't be "in a relationship" with me on Facebook because he felt that there were people out there ("fans") who would find out we were together and harass him. Of all three people who are my "fans," none are the harassery sort. But I needn't dwell on this anymore.
The point is, when the break up happened I relied on my usual avenues of support. My usual avenues of support are social networks. So, if I couldn't sleep, I posted about it. If I was feeling depressed, I posted about it. If I wanted my game of Bananagrams back, Facebook heard about it. And I even held back a whole lot of what I felt like saying. Still, Kevin would try to counterbalance my talking about how unhappy I was by posting replies to the stuff I'd written that made him seem like a super nice guy. He was of the mind that the internet shouldn't know that we were texting horrific things to each other, making it seem like some gentle, loving goodbye instead of the horrid, rotten, name calling, shit-slinging cry carnival that it really was.
And people would ask me, "Why don't you de-friend him?" The answer was that I was terrified to. And that leads to this week's video. Sometimes, I guess we have to do the shit we're terrified to do, because the only alternative is being an annoying whiner with a broken heart.
I'm still sad, and that's normal. But at least now I can move forward. So, watch in the video as I flip through different shades of light and emotion, all mixed up, anxious, dark, blown out, and then, I start to feel like myself again. I think that's where I'm at, too. Starting to feel like myself again.