Truth or Dare
When it comes to verbal communication, I can pretty much talk about anything and everything. And even though my husband isn't as chatty as I am, we generally have no problem finding things to discuss. Actually, one of the things I love most about him is that he truly listens to me, respects my opinions, and enjoys carrying on an intelligent conversation. He’s also perfectly capable of standing up to me in a good argument, and I have to respect a man who can win a few—even if it is only a few. But there’s one topic we both stumble over—and that is sex. Actually, it isn’t the topic of sex, per se, but individual issues we each have that get in the way of our being able to effectively communicate our wants and needs.
As far as this problem goes, my stumbling block is probably the biggest. I can talk “about” sex. I have no problem telling him if I didn’t like something, or there’s something I prefer not to try, and if he brings up a sexual topic, I don’t generally have too much trouble discussing it (though if I am having difficulty, he’s pretty adept at drawing me out). I can also tell him that I had a great time the night before and even some of the particulars, but I can’t always get down and dirty in describing what exactly was so great about it.
No, when it comes telling my husband something specific—such as something I would like us to try, something I would like him to do, or something I would like to do to him, I get completely tongue-tied. And I mean completely, as in, can’t utter a word. There have been countless times that I’ve wanted share a fantasy with him. Even when I know it’s something he probably would like us to play out, when I try to get up the nerve to tell him, I freeze. And no amount of liquid courage—a.k.a. alcohol—can lubricate my tongue enough to share my most intimate desires. (Believe me, I’ve tried—and all I got out of it was a hangover.)
For example, one night, we were playing a store-bought “Truth or Dare” game—the perfect opportunity to reveal my favorite secret sex scenario. I sat there for what seemed an eternity—probably only a minute really—willing myself to take the shot, but I just couldn’t. When my turn came, I took the dare and shoved the truth back into its box.
I have to say that while playing sex games didn’t unlock my secret doors, they worked like a charm on my husband. When he picked a card that said: “Tell your lover what your favorite part of her body is,” you could have bowled me over with a feather when he answered, “Breasts, baby!” I was shocked! I am fairly small-chested, not to mention the fact that I’ve had four children. I’ve always been very self-conscious about my breasts. He said he adores them because they’re so sensitive that he can bring me to orgasm just by playing with them. Who can argue with that?
Unintentionally Incommunicado
I’d also like to be able to talk dirty during sex. But that almost never happens—unless it’s in the heat of the moment, and my mouth blurts something out before my brain has a chance to stop it. I can’t even get up the nerve to tell him to pull my hair when I want him to. It’s easier to try to will him to do it than it is for me to say it. (Oh to be a Jedi, now that spring is here.)
I don’t know what in the world I think is going to happen if I just open up. It’s not like my husband would be shocked or say, “I want a divorce!” Knowing him as I do, my frankness would actually be a big turn-on. He’d probably jump at the chance to do some of the stuff that goes through my head. And believe me, though I can’t put them into words, I can definitely come up with all kinds of wonderful, kinky things we could be doing together.
Case in point: I knew for a long time that he’d wanted to try anal, but I wasn’t ready. However, there eventually came a point when I did want to try it—only I couldn’t tell him. So, I waited, figuring he would bring the subject up again. But he didn’t, which is just crazy because for years he kept asking. And now, all of a sudden, when I want to, he gives up? WTF?
Well, after waiting a while, I decided to write him a little note, which I did, several times. All were quickly torn up and thrown in the garbage. Thinking it would be much more difficult to rip up the phone, I tried to text him, but I just couldn’t hit send.
Finally, I went online and ordered some toys, lube and a video about anal sex. When they arrived, I put everything in a box, wrapped it up really pretty, put a huge bow on top, and left it on the bed for him as a present on our usual date night. I was so apprehensive that I couldn’t even be in the same room when he opened it, but when he came out of the bedroom with a big, shit-eating, “I know exactly what I’m getting tonight” grin on his face, I knew I’d scored a homerun. (That strategy worked so well, that unbeknownst to him, I’ve used the video ploy a couple of other times. It’s just easier to mention something looks fun or interesting while you’re watching someone else do it.)
Still, I really do wish I could get up the nerve to tell my husband my deepest, darkest desire down to the very last dirty detail (Hint: It includes plenty of domination and verbal communication on his part). Maybe I could do it right here and now: “Good morning, Mr. Phelps. Your mission is to...to...” On second thought, maybe not. I’d only have to destroy my computer, and have the secretary disavow any knowlege of my actions.