A bit less than two years ago, I wrote an article about Kegel exercising and how various women were incorporating pelvic floor conditioning into their daily lives (Vagina of Steel). In addition to introducing us to urban legends about snapped dicks, and revealing that tedious business meetings are the perfect time for basic Kegels, the interviews for that story produced one of my all-time favorite quotes: “I can barely motivate enough to get my butt to the gym. The last thing I’m interested in is P90X for my vagina,” said Genevieve when asked about ben-wa balls.
It’s a funny line, and the sentiment is understandable. That said, May was let’s-get-swimsuit-ready month at the Johnson house, and Susan decided, “If I’m going to lift the weights and climb the StairMaster, my pussy deserves a regimen, too – I’m gonna make all my parts tight!”
To that end, we planned a healthy menu, devised an exercise routine, and selected four vaginal trainers: the Smartballs Teneo Uno and Duo, SinFive Emigi, and Je Joue’s Ami three-piece set, because Susan believes Genevieve doesn’t know what she’s missing. “If anything, the exercisers make me more likely to complete my Kegels. Plus, unlike going to the gym, which I basically have to get done early in the morning,” Susan says, “I can do my ‘cunt-isthenics’ anytime and anywhere, and I really mean anytime and anywhere … you never know, I might be squeezing one of the Teneos right now!”
Ah, that’s where Susan’s not being completely forthcoming. I always know, because anytime she is using one, she’s automatically a little more frisky. “Fine! You caught me,” she laughs. “It’s like a constant turn on for me. I know it’s real exercise, and that part of it is a serious endeavor, but at the same time, there’s a toy inside me – while I’m grocery shopping, in a meeting, at a bar, whatever – and so my thoughts keep coming back to what’s going on between my legs. That’s hot.”
My thoughts, of course, are almost always on what’s happening between Susan’s legs, so while I’m all for her improving her general pelvic floor health and avoiding any incontinence issues down the road, the idea that she’s focusing more mental energy on her finer parts puts a smile on my face – and ratcheted up our late-spring relations.
“Honestly, I’m not sure if we had more sex in May,” Susan says. “But I do think it was more intense. I felt … well, stronger, and the exercisers provide hours of prolonged pre-foreplay foreplay.
“The night I used the Emigi at the concert, for example … it’s one of the heavier models, and it’s not very big, so I really had to concentrate on squeezing. And the weight rattles, so every time I moved – or moved it – I could feel it. And all this is happening at a concert, with dancing and people everywhere, rubbing past me, talking to me. Again, it’s just hot, physically and mentally. We barely made it home and in the house before I was more than ready to go.
In the spirit of preparation, we decided the best way to provide some details about Operation Pussy Power was to share some of the highlights from Susan’s workout logbook. Overall, she liked each of the products, but did learn that there are definitely some differences – namely size, weight, and shape – to consider when choosing a personal exerciser. Here are some of her notes to help you get started on your own power move.
Exerciser: Smartballs Teneo Uno (As seen in Cosmo)
Location Used: Grocery store, Target, Home Depot, etc.
Duration: Four hours
Notes: It’s round and just smaller than a golf ball. That, coupled with the fact that it’s also very light, makes it easy to keep in place. I’ve yet to totally forget about an exerciser, but this one could definitely slip my mind. It’s a great beginner ball.
Exerciser: SinFive Emigi
Location Used: Restaurant, concert, bar
Duration: Seven hours
Notes: This one was definitely a challenge. It’s heavy and has an easy-in, comfortable hourglass shape. Easy-in, though, also means easy-out, and there were a few moments, especially while dancing, when I thought I might lose it. The retrieval cord is flexible and doesn’t bunch up, and I really like how the weight rattles around inside the toy – that adds a lot to the whole experience.
Exerciser: Smartballs Teneo Duo (As seen in Cosmo)
Location Used: Home, doing laundry, cleaning, etc.
Duration: Two hours
Notes: This is for advanced users. Based on the size – essentially two of the Teneo uno – I figured it would be easy, but I was way wrong. The connected balls move independently, and constantly felt like they were trying to escape. In terms of a workout, this was the toughest, which is why I only lasted a couple hours the first time. The degree of difficulty, however, really made me feel as though I was accomplishing something, and I have to admit I liked the full sensation the duo provided … if you know what I mean!
Exerciser: Je Joue Ami
Location Used: Restaurant, movie, baseball game, work
Duration: Various, including an all-day stretch – about eight hours – when I inserted the Ami 3 before work
Notes: The Ami is actually a set of three exercisers that range from easy to difficult. Ami 1 is very similar to the Teneo uno, perfect for beginners. The 2 has a little more weight and a bulbous hourglass shape that makes it relatively easy to “grip,” and feels really good, like my body molded itself around it. Noticeably smaller in size, but much heavier, the Ami 3 is a great final exam for Operation Pussy Power.
Smartballs Teneo Uno and Duo