Ever been with a stone butch/femme?

Trashley Trashley
I was with one once, and she didn't want to talk about it. She was only my second girlfriend in college and it really confused me why I couldn't touch or please her. But fuck, did I love her.
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
Yes
DeliciousSurprise , clp , Airen Wolf , Tisbury , mysecretcollection , RadRach , Fishie Princess , Darling Jen , Tess , G.L. Morrison , xi , Triple X Moma , BlackxxxRose , RavenWolf88 , Gingy , PirateofPenance , Chris Corrigan , Nerdydyke , LilLostLenore , charletnarouh , SubmissiveFeminist
21  (25%)
No
Tori Rebel , Madeira , PassionQT , P'Gell , Lady Venus , ~LaUr3n~ , Lif3sambiguity , Coralbell , Emma (Girl With Fire) , Selective Sensualist , kermi91 , Avalee , Boredum , ButchAndFemme , Gunsmoke , angel142stx , kelaaa33wish , padmeamidala , MaryExy , slipstitch , Miss Voluptuous , AmberM , sktb0007 , NaturalWoman , His#1Girl , Paradoxica , monkeylover621 , CherryDyke , mizzmilla , Katelyn , LeeBee , eroticmutt , kendra30752 , MsRigby , Vanille , Mirachaya , laceypanties , phantomsgurl92 , MrGoodTool , Mia.The.Wonder.Slut , lgferg02 , Mew , unfulfilled , Caus , jeep9 , tigertiger , Tangles , CamelliaGirl , xGOLDx , thisisadeletedaccount , aluminummm , MistressDandelion , ginainohio , zz1aag , Mika Way , katat
56  (67%)
The Famed "Other" (Please Explain)
Owl Identified , Rawhide , Tangerine , lcl169 , Powder , kawigrl , marshmallow
7  (8%)
Total votes: 84
Poll is closed
09/15/2010
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DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
I'ev been with many stone lovers, but I've also been the stone lover. Maybe I can help explain it to you, Crashgasm.

Think of it this way, first:
Do you enjoy anal? Do you know someone else who doesn't? Let's focus on someone who doesn't like anal.

They don't like it. They don't enjoy it. They don't get anything out of it. Now, here comes this partner, and they love their partner, and their partner really loves anal. Their partner every time they're intimate asks why they can't just try anal, and after a while it really starts getting on their nerves. Why should they keep being asked? They've said no, they are not interested in it, and it gets really frustrating having to reestablish that, no, you still don't want to, and if you ever change your mind, they'll be the second to know.

Being stone is different from person, to person, though.

Some stones don't want to be touched. Some stones don't want to do the touching. Some stones don't want to be touched above the waist, or below the waist, or don't want to be touched in specific ways.

Many stones enjoy pleasuring their lover far more than they enjoy being pleasured themselves, and they can derive immense satisfaction simply from pleasing their partner.

Finally, I want to comment on the idea of "melting the stone." I am of the mind that you cannot ever melt someone's stone; people melt it themselves and let others hang out with them in the icebox.

I hope that helps.
09/15/2010
Owl Identified Owl Identified
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
I'ev been with many stone lovers, but I've also been the stone lover. Maybe I can help explain it to you, Crashgasm.

Think of it this way, first:
Do you enjoy anal? Do you know someone else who doesn't? Let's focus on ... More
I've been with two lovers that probably would not identify themselves as "stone" (simply because I'm 22 and this is a slightly antiquated term in the queer community, although I have found that many older folks do still use it) but meet the criteria. Delicious, I agree with all of your thoughts completely and I am so glad someone found such an articulate way to phrase this. Thanks.

People often assume that because they want to be touched that their stone lover must secretly want this too, that something is wrong with them because they don't allow this kind of contact, and that by not letting them touch them they are depriving themselves of something. It is true that there some stones out there that do desire more contact, but haven't found a certain kind of peace with their bodies and/or sexuality yet needed to do this. One of my lovers was such a person. However, there are others that are very happy if their boundaries are respected and they are allowed to express their sexuality through giving physical pleasure rather than receiving. Just like Delicious is saying, it's just their preference. It's not fair or accurate to assume that most stones secretly want to be converted; we should take a person at their word when they say they do not want something and try not be offended or take it personally when they express their personal sexual preferences.
09/15/2010
Envy Envy
I think I'm a little confused on the terminology here. Are we talking about people who are more 'frigid' in sexual situations?
09/15/2010
Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Nope. Never been with one, but have known a few over the years.
09/15/2010
Madeira Madeira
Quote:
Originally posted by Trashley
I was with one once, and she didn't want to talk about it. She was only my second girlfriend in college and it really confused me why I couldn't touch or please her. But fuck, did I love her.
I've never had a stone partner, which is frankly how I prefer it, I really love giving my partner pleasure and I'd feel really awkward not getting to get my partner off. Admittedly my current girlfriend prefers to have fewer orgasms rather than more frequent ones because she finds they're more intense that way... but I still get to stimulate her whenever.
09/15/2010
clp clp
I was young; I took this very personally. I thought there was a problem on my part for not being able to/allowed to touch her, the way that I wanted to. I wish we both had been more articulate to voice our concerns at the time.
Sigh.
09/15/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Trashley
I was with one once, and she didn't want to talk about it. She was only my second girlfriend in college and it really confused me why I couldn't touch or please her. But fuck, did I love her.
I've been the stone. I had major issues with my sexuality and there were places I wasn't ready or prepared to go. I wasn't fully lesbian and I was confused by that because clearly I was attracted to this woman desperately but I didn't want to be touched in certain ways she enjoyed. She was a wise woman, though, and taught me that I was fine, and respected my boundaries. She loved me even when I went back to Sigel and she rejoiced when I was able to loosen up and accept myself and her. The thing is she stayed with me but SHE didn't do anything but love me while I worked on myself. Through her I was able to see that I could love multiple people deeply and fully. Mostly she taught me that I was fine and it was ok to simply not be interested in certain things.
Though we have not stayed together she is probably, apart from Sigel, the most infleuencial love of my life.
Delicious is so right. You MUST listen to your partner and accept their boundaries even as you lovingly challenge them. You offer and if it is rejected you don't take it personally, generally it isn't meant personally anyhow. Listen to your partner and show them you love them in ways they can accept.
09/15/2010
DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
Quote:
Originally posted by Envy
I think I'm a little confused on the terminology here. Are we talking about people who are more 'frigid' in sexual situations?
I wanted to wait a bit to respond to this post, because my initial reaction was anger. Now that I've taken some time to think it through...

The word "frigid" is a really hurtful, negative way of speaking about someone's sexuality, even if you didn't intend it that way. How many times have we heard someone being called a "frigid bitch" because she wouldn't put out? That just really hit me hard, because stone lovers already have such negative reactions inflicted upon them out of ignorance, why add another?

Anyway, stone lovers can run the spectrum of what their stone boundaries are, I commented on this a bit in my first post, but maybe you didn't see it:

"Being stone is different from person, to person, though.

Some stones don't want to be touched. Some stones don't want to do the touching. Some stones don't want to be touched above the waist, or below the waist, or don't want to be touched in specific ways."


If you have other questions, I'm happy to respond.
09/15/2010
Envy Envy
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
I wanted to wait a bit to respond to this post, because my initial reaction was anger. Now that I've taken some time to think it through...

The word "frigid" is a really hurtful, negative way of speaking about someone's ... More
I wasn't meaning it to sound hurtful, I just didn't know what other word to substitute for stone. :/ I have never heard of the terminology and have only heard that someone was 'frigid.'

So in other words... stone is kinda like.... asexual but not? I am very confused. Because I've heard of asexuals giving their partners pleasure when not getting anything themselves and actually preferring not to have it and just doing for their partners.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything, I am just very confused and am not getting a clear meaning here. Are they people who just can't feel? Refuse to feel? Etc? Is there a link to some site with background information I can read?
09/15/2010
DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
Quote:
Originally posted by Envy
I wasn't meaning it to sound hurtful, I just didn't know what other word to substitute for stone. :/ I have never heard of the terminology and have only heard that someone was 'frigid.'

So in other words... stone is kinda ... More
Not asexual, no.

I'll answer this in the strictest classical usage of the term, stone butch.

Many stone butches prefer not to be touched by their lovers for whatever reason they have (they don't want to be feminized, they have trouble with being seen as 'less' than, they don't enjoy it, etc). These stones gain pleasure simply from the act of pleasing their lover; there are many people who can orgasm without ever being touched themselves.

Stone femmes, traditionally, partner with these stone butches and have their own boundaries; some don't care to sexually touch their partners genitalia, others don't care to do certain actions, etc.

There is lots and lots and lots and link">lots to read or watch about it.

(Did that help? It's so hard to define because it's such a nebulous term and every stone butch/femme/lesbian defines it differently depending on their own comfort. If you're still confused, shoot me a message and maybe I can try explaining it in other ways )
09/15/2010
Envy Envy
Ah i think I get it. It's.. different than anything I have known about. (You live and learn, eh?)

Can the term 'stone' tho be applied to anyone? Like they don't have to be gay/les/butch/femme/et c? Or is it always connected to that?
09/15/2010
DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
Quote:
Originally posted by Envy
Ah i think I get it. It's.. different than anything I have known about. (You live and learn, eh?)

Can the term 'stone' tho be applied to anyone? Like they don't have to be gay/les/butch/femme/et c? Or is it always connected to that?
Well... I don't see why it couldn't be applied to anyone, I just know that it's a historically queer term, and a historically butch/femme lesbian term.

But the times, they are a'changing, you see...
09/15/2010
Envy Envy
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
Well... I don't see why it couldn't be applied to anyone, I just know that it's a historically queer term, and a historically butch/femme lesbian term.

But the times, they are a'changing, you see...
Ah okay. Thanks. And i really wasn't trying to insult or anything, i just really didn't know. >_>;

I kinda get the stone thing myself. I'd rather please than be pleased. But I'm straight. And Dom. And my bf is a Sub. But I've had a lot of past issues and such and am trying to get over them. But would I be considered stone? Not sure.
09/15/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
I wanted to wait a bit to respond to this post, because my initial reaction was anger. Now that I've taken some time to think it through...

The word "frigid" is a really hurtful, negative way of speaking about someone's ... More
The word "Frigid" is actually a medical term, although rarely used anymore. (Different forms of "Sexual Dysfunction" are used more commonly, although you still hear the word in some situations.) It refers to someone, almost always a woman, who either cannot become sexually aroused or refuses to become sexually aroused. The thing is it CAN and does apply to men, although other terms are used even if they aren't specific.

Stones derive their pleasure (from what little I know about it) from pleasing their lover, and simply require little or no of their own physical sexual stimulation. Although I don't know enough about it to know make any more comments about it, not ever being in a sexual situation myself with these Boundaries.

All I think Goth was trying to do was put an unfamiliar term in a context she already has heard about. She's sweet and meant NO harm.
09/17/2010
Envy Envy
Yeah, I was just trying to associate it with what I already knew to understand what it was.

And thanks P'Gell, you're making me blush with embarrassment, lol. o///o
09/17/2010
DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
The word "Frigid" is actually a medical term, although rarely used anymore. (Different forms of "Sexual Dysfunction" are used more commonly, although you still hear the word in some situations.) It refers to someone, almost always ... More
Yes, I realized that she wasn't trying to be offensive/dismissive/m ean/cantankerous once she replied, and I appreciated that she did so.
09/17/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
I have lesbian friends who prefer this, but most prefer lipstick lesbians.
09/21/2010
Lif3sambiguity Lif3sambiguity
... butch and/or femme don't describe me what else is out there to put as a label on myself?
11/02/2010
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
I prefer a woman halfway between lipstick and butch. I love to be able to play dress up and put on make up. I couldn't handle somebody who regularly takes 30 minutes to 2 hours to prepare to leave the house. I love a woman is is mentally and physically strong, who loves to rough house and play in the woods. But somebody who also likes to play pretty sometimes, not for others but for themselves. However, I would never turn down an opportunity with somebody I really meshed with regardless of which direction they lean towards. Or which extreme they may fall into.

I do think I would have an extremely difficult time with a stone. I am a hands on person. It is shitty that they have to deal with such animosity though.
11/04/2010
kermi91 kermi91
couldn't do it. i get turned on by pleasing my partner, so to not be able to do that...sex would get old real quick.
11/16/2010
ButchAndFemme ButchAndFemme
I'm not 100% stone, but I'd say the orgasm ratio is my relationship is 6:1. I derive just as much pleasure from pleasing my girl as I do from a physical orgasm. It's not even that I don't like being touched (although I definitely have boundaries), but it's that I'd much rather be touching her. If she was a stone femme, I'd be totally fine with it as would she be if I were a stone butch.

It's not even something that we have a lot of conversation about. It's kind of the way we've fallen into our sexual relationship and it works out really well for us.
03/06/2011
G.L. Morrison G.L. Morrison
I've been stone butch and been with stone butches. I was a little taken aback when after Feinberg's "Stone Butch Blues" so many people started using "stone butch" as synonymous with transgendered. I've had a couple of FTM lovers and I'm the stone butch in that relationship.

I agree and disagree with the melting stone comment.

>"melting the stone." I am of the mind that you cannot ever melt someone's stone; >people melt it themselves and let others hang out with them in the icebox.

I had a relationship in the past in which we were both stone butch (in the 80s in a community that took its butchness inflexibly seriously) and to have a sexual relationship required that one of us 'make the sacrifice'. We had loved each other for years but joked about the impossiblity of the pairing. My friend came to me eventually and offered herself on a platter with no limit. It was a romantic but ultimately disasterous gesture.

Love her as much as I did, I couldn't have done what she did. The sex was tender and savage and important and mind-blowing. Literally mind-blowing. I'm sure it contributed to a mental breakdown and identity crisis that followed. (Or perhaps I'm taking too much credit and her offer was a sign of the breakdown to come.) She definitely laid her sexual identity and vagina on the altar to cement the relationship. A terrible burden for the start of any relationship.

I'm no longer stone. It's a complicated, long process that continues to challenge who and what I am. In many ways, I miss the clarity of the time when I was inpenetrable. The simplicity of "vicarious" sexual pleasure, the full body rush of skill on flesh and the tribadism.

Huh. I realize as I write this that actually I'm no longer "practicing stone" but its a huge part of my ME. Also when I was stone butch it was something lovers understood and accepted. The off and on "receptivity" has brought me a number of partners who expect that "openness" (which I still see as vulnerability and have to be 'in the mood' for).

9 times out of 10, I'd rather you sucked my dildo than fucked me with it.
03/10/2011
bluekaren bluekaren
I learned so much from this thread. Thanks for enlightening me!
05/13/2011
Miss Voluptuous Miss Voluptuous
Quote:
Originally posted by bluekaren
I learned so much from this thread. Thanks for enlightening me!
Me too. Cheers to you all
05/15/2011
slipstitch slipstitch
Quote:
Originally posted by G.L. Morrison
I've been stone butch and been with stone butches. I was a little taken aback when after Feinberg's "Stone Butch Blues" so many people started using "stone butch" as synonymous with transgendered. I've had a couple of ... More
I really understand where you are coming from with this. I am learning alot about myself after not fully 'letting' myself relax and do what felt right or that I needed. I prefer to please and can handle some contact but it is limited. A big thing that this thread has made me understand is I am not odd for being able to get off the easiest without direct contact. I am actually able to orgasm harder with a strap that has no direct contact to my gentials than anything that does contact.
05/15/2011
xi xi
I was once with a stone.

While I won't say it was the worst experience in my life, I didn't much enjoy it. I like for there to be a certain mutuality with my lovers, and she just didn't want to have it.


I guess it all boils down to a particular person's preference. She and I are still good friends to this day. (:
06/03/2011
Triple X Moma Triple X Moma
Quote:
Originally posted by Trashley
I was with one once, and she didn't want to talk about it. She was only my second girlfriend in college and it really confused me why I couldn't touch or please her. But fuck, did I love her.
Yes, I have I am not into it I prefer lesbians who like to be touched.
08/11/2011
AmberM AmberM
I have never been with a stone lover, but then again, I'm still very young and that could possibly change as i get older.
08/11/2011
CherryDyke CherryDyke
I feel sometimes like I'm stone myself.
09/07/2011
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