The Da Vinci Load by Hustler - review by LikeSunshineDust

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Dan Brown, Close Your Eyes

The hunt for the Da Vinci Load is on in this sub-par parody porno. The Da Vinci Load is for those who enjoy a little humor mixed into their porn, but look elsewhere if quality is what you’re looking for.
Published:
Pros:
Presence of realistic body types (mostly), some good one-liners
Cons:
Shoddy quality, a little boring at parts
Rating by reviewer:
2
extremely useful review
Content / Genre / Audience
Hustler’s The Da Vinci Load follows Detectives Brown and Rosello (Frank Bukkwyd and Haley Paige, respectively) in their investigation of the shooting of museum curator James DuBois (Claudio Meloni), who was found naked in the museum next to a mysterious message written in his own semen. They are helped along the way by penile profiler turned sex professor Nadia Saint (Missy Monroe) and art professor Lee Teabag (Evan Stone) and discover that Dubois was murdered in a heist to steal the Mona Lisa. These thieves aren’t in it for the money though; evidently, the Mona Lisa was painted using Da Vinci’s very own semen and the Priory of Semen has stolen the painting so they can carry on the bloodline of one of the world’s greatest men.

The first sex scene involves Nadia and two of her students (Steve Holmes and Scott Nails) in a little in-class demonstration. The next is between shooter Tony Petkovich (James Deen) and a seemingly sweet and innocent ice cream girl (Joey Hart). Then we have DuBois doing a hooker (Tory Lane) in the museum followed by Detective Rosello seducing Lee Teabag. The grand finale is a six-girl orgy with the Prioress (Eva Angelina) and the girls of the Priory (including Charlotte Stokely, Jasmine Tame and Michelle Maylene).

The sex content is pretty standard – mostly male on female scenes and one six-girl orgy at the end – with male on female scenes following the oral, sex in a couple positions, cum shot/facial pattern. Nadia’s scene contains double penetration in a multitude of positions. The sex scenes weren’t particularly interesting and some were so long they were borderline awkward. I found myself wanting to fast-forward through most of them.

The Da Vinci Load will appeal to those who enjoy some comedy mixed in with their porn and sex scenes that are on the longer end, but won’t quite make the cut for those who like high quality pornos.


Actors

Female Actors: Missy Monroe, Haley Paige, Tory Lane, Joey Hart, Eva Angelina, Charlotte Stokely, Jasmine Tame, Michelle Maylene

Male Actors: Evan Stone, Frank Bukkwyd, James Deen, Claudio Meloni, Steve Holmes, Scott Nails

The only performer I was particularly impressed with was Evan Stone. He’s not necessarily what you’d call a “good actor”, but as far as porn stars go, I find him pretty damn entertaining. I can never help but crack a smile as he says his lines. Anyway, I digress.

I want to like Hailey Paige, but you get the sense that she barely knows her lines. I liked her sex scene the most…Or maybe I just disliked it the least. It seemed to be the least awkward to watch. She did get lucky to have the best male performer in the movie as her partner.

Missy Monroe’s role was one of the more humorous ones, and she delivered that fairly well. Her sex scene was the most realistic one for me. She talks dirty to the guys a lot, which I was pretty impartial to, but some might like that.

I was very confused as to why Joey Hart is all over the front cover of the DVD as the “star” of the movie. Her character doesn’t even have a name. I also found Eva Angelina’s role a little confusing. She comes out randomly as the Prioress but you don’t see her at all until the last scene of the movie. I think they had a great opportunity to put in a cool twist like Nadia being the prioress or something.
Experience
DVD Features
The DVD menu consists of Play Movie, Chapter Index, Select a Star, and Special Features. The Select a Star option is a cool feature; it lists the sex scenes by actress and once you select one, it brings you to a list of parts of the sex scene (Blow Job, Sex 1, Sex 2, Cum Shot, etc.) so you can watch whichever part you want. The Chapter Index menu is identical to the Select a Star menu, only when you select a scene (all named after the main actress in the scene) you watch the entire chapter including dialogue. I feel like these two features are redundant and they could have combined them. When in play mode, you can manually browse through the chapters as they are broken down in the Chapter Index.

Within Special Features you have Behind the Scenes, a slide show of screen shots, and various Hustler promos. The Behind the Scenes feature is a collection of interview questions with the different actresses. I thought this looked promising; I was wrong. You can hear the interviewer loud and clear but the answers were extremely difficult to hear, as though there wasn’t a microphone there at all. The exception was Tory Lane, but I’m pretty sure she was drunk.


Personal comments
The first thing I noticed when I started watching The Da Vinci Load was the extremely poor audio quality. I already mentioned it in the Behind the Scenes but it’s also an issue throughout the movie itself. Many scenes are shot in a “museum” and with the echo, the dialogue is very hard to hear. I’m sure the echo was left in to keep it authentic feeling, but it just made it sound cheap. The video quality is okay, but it’s a porno so my expectations weren’t very high.

I was at first pleased when the first sex scene started because there was music to go along with it. It was your typical cheesy porno music, but music nonetheless. Unfortunately, the music only lasts for the first part of the scene and you’re left watching the rest of it in awkward silence. All of the sex scenes were like that and I found it a little distracting.

One thing I appreciated was the presence of “real” bodies, namely Missy Monroe and Haley Paige. They don’t have perfectly round tits or perfectly flattened tummies, but you know what? That’s what real women look like. Alas, there were also the typical huge fake boobs which I really don’t prefer to look at. Then of course there’s the perfect yet natural Joey Hart. Something for everyone, I guess.

I also had trouble playing the DVD in my computer. I tried it with both Windows Media Player and DivX, and neither was compatible. I’m not sure if this is a universal problem or maybe just my computer. It worked fine in a DVD player.

If you have any questions or if I didn’t cover something, please let me know!
Follow-up commentary
I watched The Da Vinci Load with a group of my friends for a good laugh, and everyone was too distracted by the terrible audio and awkward sex scenes to notice any humor. I started to feel bad for everyone and embarrassed that I was making them sit through it, so I just turned it off (to everyone's relief). Unfortunately, this DVD with just end up collecting dust.
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. This review is in compliance with the FTC guidelines.
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Comments
  • MuffysPinguLove
    I love the title, it's what caught my attention at first. Great review!
  • LikeSunshineDust
    Thanks Muffy Smile
  • Jul!a
    Great title, I'm sorry that this couldn't even be good for a laugh with friends. I know one of my favorite things in high school was to watch bad porn with friends just for the laughs. It's amazing what kind of things you can catch if you pay attention, like time of day changes and such, lol.

    Great review!
  • Splendwhore
    Too bad it was a flop! Seems like it could have had some potential, if done right. I'm not a huge porn fan (at the moment I'm too embarrassed to watch it with my sweetie). I was hoping this would be a good movie to start with as it has a bit of humor mixed it. After reading your review now, I see that it would probably make things so much more awkward. Thank you for the great review!
  • namelesschaos
    Thanks for the review you commented on two things that annoy me with porn. 1) Having an actress all over the cover that only has a minor role in the movie and 2) DVDs that won't play on the computer which can be very frustrating. Looks like I'll pass on this one.
  • richsam
    Thanks for the review
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