Girl Pirates 2 by Metro - review by Jenny Swallows

You might not believe it, but Girl Pirates 2 isn’t simply a great movie. It’s also two great ideas fighting to get out of the same couple of hours worth of DVD time, and both of them doing a terrific job of it, too.

The first great idea, of course, is the pirates. Ever since Johnny Depp established swashbuckling as the single hottest pursuit in 21st century mainstream cinema, and Jesse Jane et al confirmed that for the XXX crowd, it’s been hard to go wrong with some high seas hijinks, and director Bridgette Kerkove knows it. Expect seven seas swimming with sumptuous costuming, a lexicon packed with period dialogue, and - of course - enough cum to float a flotilla of galleons.

But the second great idea might be even better. Anybody with an eye for the prehistory of porn will immediately see where Kerkove’s heart lies, spooling back to the days before color and sound and opening each of Girl Pirates 2’s five sex scenes with a black and white vignette, complete with old time caption cards. Each dissolves into full color after an introductory few minutes, but those minutes are significant because they set the scene perfectly. Plus, they allow the players to save their breath for the action.

There is no plot, and no attempt at one. Riffing still on the notion of old time porn, Girl Pirates 2 plays out as five extended stag movies, bound together by the piratical dress and the demeanor of the cast. Boudoirs, an inn and a marketplace are the settings for the action, and humor is never far away; Alec Knight’s attempts to wrestle Tory Lane out of her period costuming end with the truly heartfelt inter-title “how the fuck do you get this thing undone?” (or words to that effect), while Lane hams it up as the ultimate serving wench in distress, doing just enough to elude her lusty customer to ensure his lust never falters.

It would also be difficult to wipe the smiles off the faces of Venus, Mark Wood and Scott Nails as they navigate their way out of some truly voluminous 17th century garb to deliver one of the most impressive DP scenes you’ll find - “impressive” meaning that the threesome are clearly having a lot of fun, without a director forcing them into the ever more explicit situations and sounds which too much modern porn falls prey to. So if you want to see the camera lens disappear up somebody’s butt, maybe you should look elsewhere.

Starting out in costuming so lovely it's (almost) a shame when they remove it, Cherokee and Kirsten Price team up for some girl on girl action which likewise places tenderness and realism over more extreme concerns; the face sitting scenes are especially delightful. And later, Amber Peach and Frankie Dashwood follow suit on a set that could make you wet just thinking about it.

In fact the only downside comes from Chanel Chavez, espied while buying vegetables by a trio of love-starved pirates (Chris Mountain, Tony T and Scott Lyons). Forced to her knees in the market square, with three extraordinarily handsome cocks to feast upon, she is seized by... I want to say it’s a coughing fit, or at least a frog in her throat, or maybe even a spot of period plague; the eye for detail in this movie is spectacular. Some viewers might even say that she’s gagging on those mighty swords as she leans and sways her way between them. Either way, it’s actually quite off-putting, which means it’s a relief when the trio move onto other pleasures. Of which, me hearties, there be plenty.

So, no competition for Pirates, and no hope of a Caribbean sized clean-up either, but Girl Pirates 2, like its predecessor, is a barrel of fun regardless. Yeah, the more adventurous among us might argue that it’s all a bit vanilla, and I’ll admit I’m still waiting for the pirate movie that brings every aspect of the pirate life into hot and horny play (those peg legs have to have other uses, after all). But the shiver of vicarious envy that shivered my timbers while Venus was getting spitted, and the look on Tory’s face as she suckles her playmate’s plonker clean are the moments that viewers like us ought to cherish - and which movies like this should all aspire towards.

Bring on Girl Pirates 3!