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Dr. Charley, a clinical sexologist, has built her practice around the idea that clients should be able to choose their sexual practices for themselves. How has she helped spread this message? What are her recently-released books about? How have her views about sexuality changed since she started her practice?

Dr. Charley, a clinical sexologist, has built her practice around the idea that clients should be able to choose their sexual practices for themselves. How has she helped spread this message? What are her recently-released books about? How have her views about sexuality changed since she started her practice?

Interview with Clinical Sexologist and Author, Dr. Charley Ferrer

September 12, 2011

Dr. Charley Ferrer was working on her Masters in Counseling Psychology when she treated a couple where the male's desire to spank his girlfriend was causing impotency. When Dr. Charley asked the girlfriend if she had a problem receiving a spanking, the girlfriend immediately said, “I’d love it!” With that, Dr.Charley gave them permission to explore! The boyfriend called her the next day to share that his six-month problem with impotency was over! Dr. Charley was so proud of herself. Her first patients cured in one session. Yahoo!

When she returned to class to share her amazing accomplishment, her follow classmates were appalled that she would “sanction” such behavior. It was at that point that the philosophy for her Private Practice was born. As a therapist, it’s not her place to “judge” her patients. Instead, her job is to help them learn and explore the endless possibilities available for their sexuality and let them decide for themselves.

She's now the only Latina Doctor of Human Sexuality in the United States and at the top of her field. In 2005, she created the Dominance and Submission Therapeutic Mentoring Model and presented it before the World Congress of Sexology and the International Congress of Sexologist & Medical Physicians in Latin America. For the past 15 years, she has created and taught various workshops incorporating aspects of BDSM, hypnosis, self-empowerment, and sensual/sexual enhancement for a variety of audiences including physicians, law enforcement, the mental health community, and most recently, writers. Her latest endeavour is "Bondage Tours" which is an exclusive night out for couples and singles.

Dr. Ferrer writes for various magazines, websites, blogs, and newspapers and now has over 8 books on sexuality and two new books that were released in August: “BDSM for Writers” and “BDSM: The Naked Truth”.

What other books has Dr. Charley written? What is it like to be the sex expert for Fox News Latino? What other inspirational stories does she have to share? What was it like to present in front of the World Congress of Sexology? We're looking forward to finding out! Please join us in welcoming Dr. Charley Ferrer to the Community Interview!

  • P'Gell P'Gell 3 users seconded this question.

    Hi, Dr. Charley, I hear so many people say that those of us who participate in rough play or BDSM "must be damaged people" or must be working out traumas etc. Many people have had sexual trauma, but IMO, it doesn't necessarily translate into rough play or BDSM for all. Nor have all who are into rough play necessarily experienced trauma, but so many think they are related

    How do you address the thought that those who engage in hard play are damaged or should "work on themselves" so that they no longer want hard play or worse, are simply "sick?" How can one let others who inquire know that perfectly healthy people engage in rough play and it is not always an outcropping of illness or trauma?

    Hi P’Gell,

    What an awesome question. I think it’s important to realize that there are all sorts of reasons why men and women enter the BDMS Lifestyle; from those that get into it just to dabble and experience a little kink before they run back to their vanilla partners, to those individuals who embrace Master/slave 24/7 relationships; and every level in between.
    Yes, some individuals enter into the community for the wrong reasons. They may have been traumatized in the past and hope to overcome past hurts by gaining strength in the re-enactment of that past hurt and gaining a sense of control; or they may wish to exert their control over another because they feel powerless elsewhere in their lives. For these individuals, I recommend therapy--first.

    Then there are those individuals who view BDSM (Dominance and submission) as a sacred part of themselves that they wish to share with another, or because D/s is the type of interaction that “just feels right” and brings them “peace” or a sense of balance and well being. I see nothing pathological about that.

    The truth is, BDSM is not a pathology (an illness) we have to be cured of or come over! Dominance and submission is a NORMAL HEALTHY part of our sexual development and expression when conducted between two consenting adults. No, it’s not for everyone! Let's face it, not everyone likes chocolate. *smiles*

    As for how I address people's misconceptions and the media’s continued negative portrayal, I advocate strongly within the medical and psychological community about the normalcy of BDSM both in the US and Latin America; I conduct lectures and workshops to help dispel the myths and erroneous information.

    In my new book, BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH, I address this very issue and show people how the power exchange is already in our daily lives in varying degrees—it’s in the relationships we have at work, with our families, with our loved ones, etc. Through BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH I hope to show the emotional and psychological connections men and women make and how D/s is practiced with love, honor and affection. It’s my wish that everyone from the curious seeker, to law enforcement, judges, doctors and mental health providers read this book so they can learn the truth and stop judging inappropriately. I also wrote BDSM FOR WRITERS which shows authors what D/s is really all about and hopefully through this book, authors will help build a better understanding for their readers.


    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "Thank you so much, Doctor Charley, for your answer to this question! I personally have had my own experiences with being told that I had psychological problems due to being a Dominant and being into the lifestyle, so it's nice to hear your accepting, understanding views! And your book BDSM: THE NAKED TRUTH sounds really good, the more I hear and read about it, the more I want to read it myself!"

  • Naughty Student Naughty Student 1 user seconded this question.

    Welcome to the Community Dr Ferrer!

    I am really curious about how you went about becoming a sexologist. I have read that your help for a couple sort of opened the door to sexuality, but were you a clinical psychologist at the time then decided to do further studies in sexuality?

    Of all the topics that are related to sexual functioning why is it that you chose to specify your self in BDSM? Was there another issue close to your heart that you had to let go to focus mostly on BDSM?

    Hi Naughty Student,

    I was actually working on my Masters in Counseling Psychology at the time this couple entered my life—and changed it. What a blessing! *smiles* I went on from there to specialize in sexuality and obtained my Doctorate in Human Sexuality and several other degrees in Clinical Sexology.

    I don’t only write or provide therapy and mentorship services on BDSM, I actually have six (6) other books on sexual health and self-empowerment. My book, The W.I.S.E Journal for the Sensual Woman, focuses on sexuality from the women’s perspective and overcoming sexual dysfunction; “The Latina Kama Sutra” is a book on ways to improve your love life and everything you can do. (Don’t let the name fool you, it’s a great book for everyone!) My book, The Passionate Latina, is based on my groundbreaking study of Latina sexuality and shows how Spanish women learned about love, relationships and sex and how machismo, religion and our culture has affected their sexuality. Next year I’m coming out with “Body & Soul: An Intimate Look at Black Men’s Sexuality” which is a groundbreaking study I conducted on over 400 African-American men and what they learned about sex. Plus I have several other books awaiting publication. (I just need a publisher that won’t censor—like the last one tried to do with the BDSM books--and so I took control and self-published it instead. Finding a sponsor would be great! Tried Kickstarter once and they rejected me as sex is outside their scope. Chuckles.)

    As you can see, I haven’t given up or let go any other aspects of sexuality. However, BDSM is near and dear to my heart. My opening dedication in BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH says it all for me,

    For everyone who has ever sat in the darkness
    stared into the abyss and wondered,
    “Am I normal?”



    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • Hi Dr. Ferrer! Welcome to the Eden Community! I think how you triumphed over the critics in your class is amazing and inspirational. As you probably know, many sex bloggers, and toy reviewers receive criticisms like this as well from people they do know, as well as from those online. I was wondering what kind of advice you could give to us for dealing with people like that so that we too can overcome the criticisms in a positive way. Sometimes it's not that easy to just "turn the other cheek". Thanks so much!

    Hi Sktb0007,

    Thanks for the welcome. smiles

    Sadly, idiots are everywhere! As Clinical Sexologist, sex bloggers, and toy reviewers, we get an extra helping of them often. I sometimes take a big burly slave with me when filming my TV Show—PLEASURE—outdoors since some people can get foolish. I’ve even had to tell one man I was interviewing that “Sexologist didn’t equal whore.”

    The best way I’ve found to minimize criticism and inappropriateness is by confronting the individual's behavior; telling him/her that you expect a more mature response/interaction. I stopped trying to educate those that were inappropriate or “combative” since they don’t really want to learn--they just want to argue—and well, why waste my time. Thank God, it doesn’t happen often or I’d be putting the call out for burly slaves to come stand next to me all the time. Then again, I really wouldn't mind that. *Smiles*

    I learned over the years that individuals are merely inappropriate because of their own insecurities and inadequacies surrounding sex. Now, I just walk away and know from experience that when they’re ready to learn, they’ll come find me and ask a question or two.

    Just remember, for every fool there are 1000’s that we’re reaching and helping have a better life. Focus on that and then pat yourself on the back since you're one of the rare special ones who can talk about sex and smile while doing it.

    Hope that helps.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…


  • I have read a few of your articles on the Institute of Pleasure website. I am wondering what was you favorite topic to write about?

    Hi beck:


    That's easy...anything to do with SEX and Relationships! Smiles.

    Yet in actuality, it's my series on "Baseball" and how it relates to relationships that I enjoyed most these last few months. Thus far I’ve only shown how relationships and sexuality go from 1st Base to Second base…you know, kissing, petting, wanting more.

    I still have to complete the whole series: Third base and of course errors, walking etc, and what it all means in relationships, plus the biggie...a Homerun! If there's not a big interest, I'll finish this series of articles sooner.

    Live with passion,

    Charley That's easy...anything to do with SEX and Relationships! Smiles.

    Yet in actuality, it's my series on "Baseball" and how it relates to relationships that I enjoyed most these last few months. Thus far I’ve only shown how relationships and sexuality go from 1st Base to Second base…you know, kissing, petting, wanting more.

    I still have to complete the whole series: Third base and of course errors, walking etc, and what it all means in relationships, plus the biggie...a Homerun! If there's not a big interest, I'll finish this series of articles sooner.

  • I know that no matter who your audience is, your core message of learning and acceptance is unchanged. You seem to address a broad swath of society, though, from professional conferences to tv news audiences---how much do you find your choice of words changing from audience to audience?

    Do you receive different reactions from different audiences?

    Hi Antipova,

    Sometimes I have to change the wording a little to sound more “scientific and analytical” especially when dealing with the psychological/medical community or a bit more “proper” when dealing with law enforcement. I learned to never use the phrase, “I love to beat my slave!” with them. *chuckles* All in all, I keep it down to earth and put it in the language they will understand so they can actually “hear” me and not tune out.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley...

    Sir (host): "It's honestly too bad that this needs to be done, but I can understand why. Nice response, Doctor Charley!"

  • Because of my size i dont feel desierable, and feel that i am to big to be suspended by my partner. There are things that i would like to try on the kink side of things but afraid to take the leap. Do you have anything that might help change this feeling?

    Hi Tammyandy69

    We all have feelings of inadequacies in your lives especially with our bodies and the size of some of our appendages. With women it’s our breasts or our weight; with men it’s their penis size and amazingly for some the size of their “men-breasts”. The most important thing to realize and work on is releasing the negative beliefs you have about yourself in order to gain confidence and self-acceptance. Nope this isn’t easy and it won't happen overnight. Here is a little push in the right direction and a way to start: Take a few classes; do a little therapy; and include some work with NLP/hypnosis to let go and get rid of some of the negative thinking that’s holding back your joy in life. If not now, when? If you can’t find a therapist you like in your area, I provide counseling and consultation over the phone since many of my patients are outside NYC.

    Remember, you are loved and cared for by your partner even if you can’t do it completely for yourself—yet!

    As for Suspension, I would discuss that with a Rope Expert; a few modifications might just be the answer you need and I’d love to see the pictures. *smiles* I’ve got a great picture of a BBW on my website www.bdsmthenakedtruth.com in the links section taken by Captured Erotic. Never forget we are beautiful in all our sizes!

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley...
  • Do you have any advice for kinksters looking for non-sexual counseling? As a genderqueer, pansexual sub with PTSD, I've had a lot of trouble finding someone who doesn't focus on the first three to the exclusion of all else.

    K'kay,

    Finding a good therapist is like finding the perfect pair of shoes, you have to shop around. Therapist are like anyone else, some are good and some are...well they just don’t “fit right”. I would recommend helping your Therapist know what you want them to help you with and guide them in that direction; kind of like “topping (therapying) from the bottom” in a way. (Ok I just couldn’t help the pun). Find a Sex Therapist or Sexologist who can help guide you in the direction you need and help you create an opening within the PTSD that allows you to embrace your D/s needs and all the other needs as well. Remember not every therapist is comfortable with sex or can speak about it in-depth and the majority have no true understanding of BDSM and therefore, in my opinion, skew therapy when it comes to sexuality and D/s. Also some therapeutic modalities focus on/are taught to look for the cause of a patient’s problem by addressing: mother issues, sexual issues and trauma first. As with the shoes, shop around till you find the right fit for you. As I mentioned before, you’re always welcome to contact my office for a Phone Consultation and review some sights like www.NCSfreedom.com for Kink friendly therapist. We’re out there, we’re just rare.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "I actually seconded this question and was hoping you'd answer. I had trouble for many years finding a therapist who would give me what I needed, and I eventually did so it was very helpful for me. Thank you for the very nice response, Doctor Charley!"

  • hi Dr. Charley i may not understand why other like BDSM but i don't judge i say embraces your sexuality. and how do you induce a little kinky sex not hardcore kind to you sex life

    Kate,

    I wish everyone else was like you—just accepting of others in all their wonderful differences. It’s part of why I wrote my book, BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH. I hope this book helps shed some light and dispels the misconceptions. It provides great insight into “why we do what we do”. It’s a great resource for beginners and the curious seeker as well as those that have been in the lifestyle for years as it provides helpful hints on training a slave, humiliation and punishments, and those deviously delicious mind fucks.

    As for how to introduce a little kinky sex into your sex life, mmmmmm seduction and enticement are always a wonderful combination. Making things fun and playful is a wonderful way to explore. In my book, THE LATINA KAMA SUTRA, I actually provide tons of examples on how to bring kinky sensual pleasure into your relationship. Remember BDSM—Kink is all a matter of increments and opinion. What you think is intense I may view as mild and vis-a-versa.

    Here’s one way to introduce kink—softly: A fun playful form of bondage is using toilet paper; Charmin since it’s extra soft. Tie your partner up with it. Then tell him/her that you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if they break through their bonds. Then proceed to get sensually devious and tease them till they break free. Later you can punish them with a swat on their tush for breaking free. By doing this, you’ve just engaged in a little kink (Bondage) playfully and within “vanilla limits”. Imagine what else you can come up with! And again, either book I’ve mentioned provides great ideas. (ok was that shameless promotion? Do I desire a spanking? Chuckles)

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley...
  • TMBR TMBR 1 user seconded this question.

    Hello, Dr. Charley.

    I'm not sure how to word this so i apologize if it doesn't make sense.
    Is it strange to like to be dominated sort of like in bdsm but to not like the pain? Ive had quiet a few people tell me that they are one in the same is that true?
    I had to break up with my boyfriend because he could seem to understand that i like the domination but not the pain.

    Tmbr,

    BDSM has many different avenues. It’s perfectly normal for you not to be into the pain aspects of BDSM and want just the dominance. In this case, I would say you’re “Service Oriented” since you want to experience your Master/Mistress’ control by the acts they have you perform and the way you interact with them and their control and dominance over you.

    I would recommend you look for individuals in the Master/slave community as opposed to the BDSM community. Though we’re all the same community so to speak, we differ in our needs and views. The Master/slave realm focuses more on behavior and interactions and the psyche as opposed to playing with toys. That’s not to say that the M/s realm doesn’t love toys and the physical aspects of play/toys/pain. Everyone is different.

    Ensure to communicate your needs with whomever you wish to interact with; this is essential for any good relationship.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley...
  • Kayla Kayla 16 users seconded this question.

    Your "Bondage Tours" sounds really fun! What exactly goes into one of those bondage tours? What does the couple (or single person) do?

    Hi Kayla,

    The Bondage Tours are actually a 5-hour event where the individual/couple learns about the BDSM Lifestyle. You have a Clinical Sexologist and BDSM Expert (me) to hold your hand as you explore and wonder. We spend an hour getting a little education into ‘WHY’ people do what they do, then we go to a BDSM club and have fun. We spend a few hours together learning about Dominance and submission and perhaps putting it into action. This is a one-of-a-kind event and it’s never the same twice.

    There’s more but then, I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

  • JessCee JessCee 9 users seconded this question.

    Hi there, Dr. Charley! Thank you so much for joining the community here at Eden!

    A lot of times I am genuinely concerned that I have desires to indulge in aspects of BDSM, sometimes I feel like I am "wrong" or "nasty." Even being a person who thoroughly enjoys the lifestyle, I find myself feeling ashamed for it afterward. How can I become more comfortable with my sexual needs and desires?

    Hi JessCee

    I think there will always be parts of our psyche that will question why we desire to Whip or be Whipped. That will never go away. Society, religion, our culture and everything and everyone (not D/s) tells us that our desires are pathological or inappropriate. The way to overcome this is by allowing yourself to accept the fact that YOU believe it’s a bit inappropriate. By embracing this dichotomy within yourself, acceptance will be formed. And you can remember that being bad is so damn good!

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley...

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • Sir Sir 7 users seconded this question.

    Hello, Dr. Charley! How does your work with BDSM as it relates to psychology affect the law and cases where BDSM has been thought to be abuse? Does it affect it at all? We were discussing BDSM and its effects on the law at my local dungeon recently, so I would love to hear your thoughts!

    Hello Sir,

    I am actually putting together some workshops to teach the law enforcement community that BDSM is not a crime! Along the lines of NCSf ‘S program of Consent Counts. Because most individuals only know what they see in movies and what they read (which is typically bad) it’s important to do a lot of education on BDSM. Communication and education is key! If you educate the population then you can explain why Whipping someone isn’t abuse AND they’ll start to understand. Also explaining that the major difference between abuse and consent is that the Dominant will stop when the submissive call’s their safeword—that BDSM is not about abuse but about sharing, affection, acceptance and love.

    Yes my work has helped to alleviate some concerns. I hope that my new book, BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH, actually opens the door to so much more and individuals understand that D/s isn’t pathological nor abuse but something so much more important—full of love.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "I'm so glad that my question was answered, and this was a great response! It's sad that people do not realize and understand the difference, but hopefully, with time, it will happen that they do. Your books are sounding so interesting!"

  • Antipova Antipova 6 users seconded this question.

    Do you still counsel couples as well? Do you have a couple of quick suggestions for a couple where both partners tend toward submissiveness?

    Hi:

    Yes, I still have a private practice in which I provide counseling and Sex Therapy both in-person and over the Internet/Phone.

    To answer your query, two submissives in a relationship spell trouble as each is waiting for the other to lead. I would recommend finding a Dominant who’s willing to take on two submissives simultaneously. Even if they don’t choose to be in a relationship with a third party, having/creating structure within the relationship through rituals and protocols is imperative as it will help provide a feeling of control—something every submissive wants and needs to help make the world around them safe and acceptable.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

  • Tell us about the Latina Kama Sutra---which elements of culture does it dive into?


    My book, THE LATINA KAMA SUTRA, takes into consideration the unique culture, religion and machismo that is within the Spanish community. However, the book is perfect for anyone who wants to spice up their love live. So don’t let the name fool you. It provides a plethora of information on almost every aspect of sexuality there is to enjoy such as: breasts play, anal play, BDSM, roleplaying and so on and of course let’s not forget penis/vagina sex. Many examples are given on how to spice up your sex life and examples of what else is possible. Plus there’s a bonus chapter for men on how to overcome impotency and pre-mature ejaculation in order to derive more pleasure from their sexual encounters. The LATINA KAMA SUTRA was actually banned by a local church because of the anal content and well…I believe sex is not just for pro-creation but to be enjoyed “just because”. It’s a wonderful book for anyone. You can find the book on Amazon or at my website www.instituteofpleasure.org

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley….
  • Hello Dr.

    When I was a little younger I used to enjoy bondage but things happened to me that took that away from me. I have been with my husband for 4 years and he has expressed an intrest in it. I am not sure I am ready to give it a try again any suggestions on how I can ease back into it. I would like to try agian just a little nervouse

    Hi there,

    The thing to remember is that we all have reasons why we stop doing things we loved and enjoyed. However it doesn’t have to be that way. Remember that old adage, “If you fall of the horse get back on it.”; well here’s another for you, “don’t let a bad experience or another person take away your freedom to enjoy”.

    You can get back into Bondage (or anything else) slowly. Do one thing every day…minimum one thing every week related to it. I’d start by having the rope visible; getting a small length (just one foot) and carrying it around with you, and just play with it. Reacquaint yourself with the feel of it. Have your partner lay it across your body and sleep that way. Pretty soon you’ll be begging him NOT to take it off.

    As with anything that really bothers you or that you’ve experienced a little bit of trauma around, talk to a Therapist or trusted friend about it so you can overcome it and enjoy once more.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley….

    Sir (host): "I enjoyed this response; the idea of the person being reacquainted with the rope slowly is really sweet and loving."

  • thanks for the info you gave i apercaite it

    You're very welcome. And thank you (all of you) for being here and joining me on this interview. And Thank Eden & Sexis Magazine for inviting me.

    Am trying to get to everyone's questions as soon as possible. I've been conducting a few workshops out of state and thus had a slight delay with responding.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley...
  • Hello Dr. Charley!

    I am new here and I've finally decided to discover my sexual side. I am 23 and I'm barely beginning to get into masturbation, but I've always fantasized about being in a BDSM relationship. I am torn about this because when I was much younger, I was sexually abused; I've always thought that giving into such desires would cause me to feel horrible and ashamed of myself because of that dark moment of my past.

    I wanted to know if you've encountered other people that have been in a similar situation as mine, and if it's possible to overcome such guilt?

    Hi Lady Darknezz

    Welcome to the wonderful world of sensuality and sex. As you’re just getting into masturbation, Sex for One by Betty Dodson is a wonderful book to read. Anyone who’s had past sexual trauma would also benefit from my book, THE W.I.S.E. JOURNAL For THE SNESUAL WOMAN; It’ll help open some doors in your psyche so you can release some of those negative feelings of guilt and shame. Remember those aren’t your sins to carry; they belong to the person that assaulted you. Yes, you can get over past sexual trauma; it may take a little while and as I mentioned before finding a therapist you can relate to will be very helpful. Entering therapy doesn’t mean you’ll have to be with the therapist for years, no therapy should last that long, but it’ll give you some good ideas and some tools to help you work through the issues which prevent you from fully embracing yourself.

    As for your desire for BDSM there’s no shame in it. I believe Dominance and submission is actually the ultimate declaration of sexual freedom, trust, and affection you can share and experience. Everyone makes their own connections. I’ll be curious to hear yours when you reach out and embrace it.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charly…
  • Coyote's Kitten Coyote's Kitten 1 user seconded this question.

    Hello Dr. Charley,

    My question is that within a BDSM relationship where the male in the relationship is the Dominant/Master/Top and the female is the slave/submissive/bottom, how do you feel that relates to modern day feminism? Do you think the two can exist in harmony within one's self?

    Coyote’s Kitten

    Hello Dr. Charley,

    My question is that within a BDSM relationship where the male in the relationship is the Dominant/Master/Top and the female is the slave/submissive/bottom, how do you feel that relates to modern day feminism? Do you think the two can exist in harmony within one's self?

    Coyote’s Kitten,

    There’s the belief by some that a woman who’s submissive is reverting back to the times of sufferage and that she’s betraying all the feminist ideals and what woman have fought so hard to attain. Yet I believe that the women’s movement and feminism is about women being free…free to choose what’s right for them! Free to be strong in their vulnerability and share that strength with the Master/Mistress/Dominant they choose. What greater gift is there and what better affirmation to the ideals of feminism than to say, “I choose…!”

    Slavery and freedom….Dominance and submission….feminism and surrender….they’re all the same really merely viewed under a different lens.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "Beautiful response, I completely agree. Thank you, Doctor Charley."

  • What do you find are some of the most common blockages couples have when it comes to communicating about sex? What are some of the most effective solutions to working on these, in your opinion?

    Miss Voluptuous,

    The biggest blockage individuals have is fear of rejection. It’s often why couples do not communicate fully about their sexual desires. However, it’s imperative to be open and share with your partner what you really desire otherwise your frustration will turn to anger and you’ll start arguing about who didn’t put the cap on the toothpaste and the fact that he bought the wrong brand of corn and all kinds of foolish things but still never address the heart of the problem—sexual frustration.

    If you fear rejection, start out by introducing the topic slowly, talk about your “friend” who mentioned spankings; get a book on D/s like mine, BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH which is a great introduction into the Lifestyle. You can tell your partner you’re doing research—which isn’t a lie since you’re learning. Rent a few videos which have BDSM as a theme such as The Secretary and Killing Me Softly.

    The way I look at it, if you can’t be open with your partner and know that they’ll accept you and love you unconditionally, then why are you with them.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley….

    Sir (host): "As a person who fought with their ex constantly over those silly little things, I understand completely. It's a very good statement that you made, about acceptance and unconditional love."

  • If you don't mind such a personal question, if you are involved in BDSM in your personal life, do you identify as a dominant, submissive, or a switch? Do you think this affects how you identify with your clients or how you go about treating them?

    Tori Rebel,

    I always tell people they can ask me anything they wish; however, I reserve the right to not respond. *smiles*

    Yes, I am personally involved in the BDSM lifestyle. I think that as a Clinical Sexologist and Sex Therapist I approach my patients from the perspective of empowerment and self acceptance. They’re in treatment to improve their lives therefore I will use whatever method of counseling I think is best for each individual. When conducting D/s Therapy & Mentorship services, I provide the assistance, information and/or structure the individual needs. For instances, a submissive coming to see me often needs structure and assistance in developing self-acceptance and awareness; a Dominant often needs to learn how to build those same qualities in their slave/submissive and come to terms with their more primal desires to help them share without guilt or shame. And both, at times, need to learn how to be comfortable in their choice to embrace their BDSM desires. Couples need assistance in creating and/or enhancing their relationships. And of course, when dealing with BDSM issues and therapy, the advice I give would be somewhat different as I would base it on the norms of our community and assist the individual to become more submissive or more Dominant and work/grow within that structure.

    Because I identify as a Dominant, I believe it is easier for me to understand both sides of the fence and help strengthen the submissive and the Dominant coming to see me. I don’t think my sexual identity affects how I treat my patients other than the fact that when I provide education or BDSM Coaching/Mentorship I do so from a place of experience and integrity (same as I do with my “vanilla” practice). Plus being active in the community allows me to reinforce my values and beliefs to ensure that the information/education/therapy I provide is the very best.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • geliebt geliebt 1 user seconded this question.

    Hello Dr. Charley! Welcome to the Eden community!

    My question is; what sorts of resources would you recommend, or what sort of basic advice would you give, to someone who has little experience?
    Both me and my partner don't have much sexual experience outside of our relationship together, let alone any BDSM experience. We do what we enjoy, but I wonder if there's any particular literature, or even a bit of advice that you could suggest for us? I know the basics, but I still wonder if there's anything that we're really missing!

    Hi Geliebt,

    The most important advice I have for anyone just starting or wanting to grow in their BDSM desires and experiences is join organizations and go to meetings and demos. You want to ensure you’re playing safely and gain the experience you need in some of the higher levels of play and interactions to ensure your partner’s safety and your own.

    I would also recommend you some reading. Purchase a few books on BDSM and sexuality, my two books BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH and THE LATINA KAMA SUTRA are great resources for beginners and those that wish to enhance their relationships. Also, Greenery Press has some fantastic books on BDSM and I would definitely recommend “Extreme Space” by F.R.R. Mallory.

    And lastly, enjoy! Know that you’ll make mistakes and you’ll be nervous; however explore everything, even the scary stuff—you never know, you might just learn you like—love—it.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • SiNn SiNn 1 user seconded this question.

    Hi DR. Charley! welcome to eden. I am very submissive but my question is what is your advice on balancing it out so people who know wont try and use that as away to walk all over me. My betterhalf/master doesnt but sometimes i tend to reviert to giving on other asspects not j ust sexual ones to others what is ur advice or any to make it so i find a balance?

    Hi SiNn,

    Thanks for the kind welcome.

    Balancing your desire to please and be of service will be easier if you institute some boundaries. It’s a beautiful thing to have a slave offer service; however, realistically not everyone is worth the offer. Remember that just because you identify as a submissive or slave doesn’t mean you should offer service to all. Speak with your Master about having him/her institute some boundaries for you. Also determine for yourself what services you are willing to perform for others (and are appropriate to do so) and what services should be reserved for your Master and those who value you. By instituting these boundaries you not only gain balance but more importantly you begin to value the service you do provide.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley….

    Sir (host): "Great response, Doctor Charley! This is something that I feel is extremely important. Just because a submissive is a submissive does not mean that they are submissive or subservient to everyone. Having the Dominant implement rules or boundaries is a great way to make sure that the submissive doesn't run the risk of getting walked all over, as SiHn stated."

  • sktb0007 sktb0007 6 users seconded this question.

    What kind of advice would you offer a couple who has never tried BDSM before, but is interested in trying it? Are there things we should avoid? Or certain things we should begin with?

    Hi Sktb007,

    As I mentioned to Geliebt:

    The most important advice I have for anyone (and any couple) just starting or wanting to grow in their BDSM desires and experiences is to join organizations and go to meetings and demos. You want to ensure you’re playing safely and gain the experience you need in some of the higher levels of play and interactions to ensure your partner’s safety and your own.

    It’s also great to have friends who embrace the lifestyle and can help guide you. Plus they become a great resource for questions.

    I would also recommend you some reading. Purchase a few books on BDSM and sexuality. My new book, BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH, is a great resource for beginners and those that wish to enhance their relationships. Also, Greenery Press has some fantastic books on BDSM and I would definitely recommend “Extreme Space” by F.R.R. Mallory. It may be hard to find but definitely worth it!

    And lastly, enjoy! Know that you’ll make mistakes and you’ll be nervous; however explore everything, even the scary stuff—you never know, you might just learn you like—love—it.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

  • Switch Switch 1 user seconded this question.

    It's a pleasure to meet you.

    As a writer, I can feel your pain. No reputable publishing house I've ever approached has accepted my work either. As you said, they seem to want to rip the guts out of it to make it more palatable for main-stream America.

    It's inspiring that while still an undergraduate student you were able to find the one episodic moment that would form the basis of your career in the helping professions.

    My epiphany about the nature of sexual strife in relationships, is that it is almost always a matter of one partner trying to keep, what they think is a dark secret, from their intimate partner, or the one in pain is really just in denial that wish they had a different sexual partner. Both of these situations are ultimately untenable.

    In American society, we don't punish birds because they can fly and we can not. It's in a bird's most fundamental nature to fly; we don't punish the bird for being a bird. Setting aside the procreation mandate, sex is essential for humans, it's in a human's most fundamantal nature. Humans need food, water, and air to sustain our bodies, but what is often overlooked is that our bodies need sexual expression, and pleasure just as much.

    Even alone in the wilderness, partners would soon discover that having your penis touched, or having your clitoris touched feels good, and want to touch until there is no food, water, or air. They would also assume dominate and submissive interpersonal dynamics. It's in human nature that one will lead, and the other will follow.

    If our wilderness partners discover that nailing a penis to a table feels good, they will want to do it. If they discover that it feels good to be tied securely and struck with a strap; something that may hurt, but will not injure, they will try it again. One will usually want to be bound, and one will usually want to command the strap.

    Have we not then just said that; outside the gaze of the often ignorant and selfish ones that would punish us

    Very nicely put Switch.

    It's like I always say in my workshops, we all practice D/s in some form or manner in our daily relationships and interactions with others to varying degree. Someone leads, someone follows. We just don’t put a name to it—and if people did, it wouldn’t be D/s. *smiles*

    Some of us are comfortable with the term and practices of BDSM--others aren’t. Either way is fine. Everyone embraces life on their terms and in their own time. Those that don’t sit in their rocking chairs regretting. Me….I’ll be sitting in my rocking chair laughing at the memories and probably cracking a Whip at the orderly. Do so love to see a man jump. *chuckles*

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley….
  • Silverdrop Silverdrop 1 user seconded this question.

    What happens when all the kink cards were on the table at the start of the relationship, communication were good, boundaries were negotiated, and then - years later - one of the partner's kinks started to change? Should the unchanged partner be expected to at least try something that they're almost certain they will not like? Should the changed partner be allowed to have these needs met elsewhere when the unchanged partner does not want the relationship to be opened up? What's the 'fair' thing to do when nobody is actually at fault?

    Hi Silverdrop,

    It’s important to remember that we all change as time goes on. Relationships go through a transition every few month/years. One partner invariably changes while the other wants to stay the same and vis-a-versa. Avoiding change is like putting your finger in the hole in the dam and hoping that’ll stop the inevitable.

    I always encourage people to try things at least three times to determine if they really like it or not. Avoiding something because you “think” you won’t like it limits you. If you’re not doing it because it’s abhorrent to you, that’s totally different.

    Some relationships do flourish when a third party is introduced for specific purposes. You can always institute some boundaries like play only, or fluid bond only to you. Ultimately it is your decision; do you change with him/her setting your boundaries along the way or do you part ways or begin having secrets as you turn a blind eye.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • Nothere Nothere 1 user seconded this question.

    Hi Dr. Charley,

    I have been very interested in BDSM and would like to talk to my friends about my interests. While my friends are open and will talk about BDSM and other sexual topics, they won't (we won't) really talk about it on a personal level. How do you suggest opening up our conversation so we can all feel comfortable saying things like "I like BDSM" etc?

    Sometimes Leviathan you have to take the bull by the horns and Whip it. Smiles.

    I’d say, start with the softer icebreaker of, “Gosh I want to spank you.” or “Gosh, I wonder what a sensual spanking feels like.” I always find those are a fun safe giggle giggle type of icebreaker that opens the door to actual disclosure and dialogue.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • wetone123 wetone123 2 users seconded this question.

    Please tell us about hypnosis in regards to BDSM?

    Hi Wetone123,

    I conduct a workshop on Hypnosis called Hypno-Sex: Turning fantasy into reality. This is where you learn how to hypnotize your partner to ensure a more sensual and erotic experience. Adding BDSM to the mix allows you to interact at higher levels (especially pain thresholds) without necessarily inflicting more pain.

    Hypnosis is a great way to overcome your inhibitions and enjoy more eroticism in your play and love life. Note I said overcome inhibitions not boundaries. Your boundaries will always be there.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • Have you ever counselled the physically disabled about sex and BDSM? What special challenges do they have, and what advice do you (or would you) give them about how to have fulfilling sex lives despite their physical limitations?

    Hi,

    Yes, I do counsel individuals that are physically disabled about sex and BDSM as well as sexual dysfunctions due to complications from diabetes and other medical issues. I’ve even worked with individuals who were trying to get pregnant. When writing my book, THE LATINA KAMA SUTRA, I took into consideration positions which anyone could perform and “get into” regardless of physical limitations and impairments. One individual I worked with was a multiple amputee and we devised ways to help the individual be sexual with their partner. Another patient I had who was quadriplegic needed assistance in re-sensitizing his body to allow him to derive pleasure from sexual encounters with his partner. Treatment varies based on each individual's need.

    The most important and useful advice I can give anyone is to have fun with sex and allow themselves to explore the vast array of possibilities. Amazingly even in the BDSM realm we still have a set concept (boundary) we use to gage our sexual encounters. Expanding those is necessary to gain the ultimate pleasure from any encounter—with or without an orgasm/climax.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "This was a good question and an equally great response! I agree that it's very important to remember to enjoy yourself, more than anything."

  • Tori Rebel Tori Rebel 4 users seconded this question.

    Where would you, your degrees and practical experience taken into consideration, draw the line between normal and abnormal, if such things in fact exist. Or maybe healthy vs. unhealthy is a better way to put it. Do you subscribe that all aspects of BDSM and sex play are so-called normal if all participants are of sound mind and consent? Would you draw the line at the typical set of illegal practices (necrophilia, pedophilia, etc). or are there other fetishes or behaviors that throw up red flags?


    Ah limits, where do we draw the line and what boundaries do we set for ourselves?

    Personally, my limits are set on “consensuality”. Thus if one of the parties can’t give consent for whatever reason (age, live status, mental ability) then I believe it’s inappropriate to engage in sexual congress with them.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • Sir Sir 3 users seconded this question.

    Has your background or culture affected your ideas on BDSM at all? Are you personally involved in the lifestyle in any way?

    Hi Sir,

    I have to chuckle at the fact that everyone wants to know if I’m in the Life or not. I guess, it’s just the fact that you want to know if I’m just “tolerate of kink” as one person questioned or if I really understand the dynamics and the heart ache based on real life experiences. I would say, I’ve experienced many things and have shied away from others—as we all have.

    As for my culture—I’m Puerto Rican, Spanish, so yes my culture has affected me in many ways and I’ve had to overcome many beliefs in order to fully accept the BDSM Lifestyle . I was the odd ball—the one that went against the culture because I didn’t hold to machismo ideals and was a “Dominant female”. So to answer your question, I would say, my culture affected me in many ways and I overcame it and set my own path.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley..
  • morningstarcn morningstarcn 4 users seconded this question.

    Dr Charley :

    I have been in the lifestyle for pushing 25 years now. And I have a multitude of questions for you:
    1) I am curious to know how much experience you have in the lifestyle.

    2) Do you practice BDSM ?? or do you just support our right to be who we are??? (though I did notice a passing comment about a big burly slave accompanying you)

    3) How much success do you think you are having "pulling back the leather curtain?"

    4) What do you think it will take for the leather community to be more accepted by the main stream ..... cops / medical professionals etc.

    I have more - so I will be back

    morningstar - from Canada

    Hi Morningstar,

    I have to chuckle at times because everyone asks me if I’m in the Lifestyle or just talk about it from a “Sexologist” perspective. The truth is, I’ve been in it before I had a name for it or could define it. As for how many years…well, that’s like asking my age since it’s been that long. *smiles* What I can share openly is that I know enough to thoroughly enjoy myself and I’m still learning new things since I don’t think you can ever learn everything in one lifetime because the BDSM realm is so vast there’s always something new to learn, share, explore, or just watch.

    “Pulling back the Leather curtain” as I like to say is a slow process and a delicate balancing act at times. However I have had some wonderful results so far. I actually presented BDSM concepts at a medical convention in Latin America in 2005 and the newspaper went nuts with questions and comments for 6-months. They still contact me to do interviews. And of course, I’ve been conducting workshops and lectures here in the US for over 10 years.

    I believe –and hope—that my new book, BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH, will open a few doors and allow individuals to realize that D/s isn’t wrong or pathological, that it’s actually part of our nature and we all embrace it to a certain degree. Most of what people (vanilla) know is what they see in movies and that’s not always good. Or they read books by authors who have no idea what D/s actually means or looks like but it seems the latest crazy in the romance genre is to write books with BDSM elements. So I’ve also written a book for them, BDSM FOR WRITERS so they can portray us more appropriately. The book isn’t a “how-to” but a look at the emotional and psychological connections individuals make in the D/s community.

    As a Community, we’ll always be a bit outputting and scary to the vanilla world. This I think has to do with their own issues of self-acceptance, sexual comfort, and at times guilt and shame with their primal desires. It’s also a matter of education since people really have no clue what D/s is all about. When doing lectures or interviews, individuals are often surprised when I tell them that some individuals in the Lifestyle have never used Whips or impact toys and they’re focused only on service.

    I believe everyone in the Community should do a little education with family and friends. Not that you have to come out of the Leather Closet; but when you hear them talk bad about “those people who like Whips and chains” perhaps adding a comment of your own that says, “those people are just as loving as anyone else”…etc. If we’re not willing to stand up for ourselves, we’ll never gain acceptance.

    Though I am out in my new books on BDSM, I don’t openly address it with everyone as I still need to make a living and some organizations I work with are ultra conservative. I actually lost a job because the medical director “googled me” and saw I conduct workshops on Orgasmic Potential. He stated his hospital was “Christian based” and that my workshops wouldn’t go over well with the board of directors. My responses was, “I’m sure someone on the board has had an orgasm.” And though I don’t openly speak about my role/experience within the D/s Community unless I’m with like minded individuals, I do provide education when the topic arises.

    So how will you help pull back the Leather Curtain?

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley...

    Sir (host): "The response and question were interesting to me, since I actually am fully transparent about my lifestyle choice. I do not hide a thing about it - not even from people at work. It's part of my dedication to BDSM, so even if people aren't accepting of it, that's their problem. My potential and work ethic are not dependent on my being in the BDSM/Leather lifestyle. Thank you for the wonderful response, Doctor Charley!"

  • badboye badboye 1 user seconded this question.

    my wife and I seperated for for a little over a year. We are now remarried and I have discovered that she is ino lite bdsm. When I try and and asked her about her experenices or if we can try somee of the thinks she has done. She says no and that she will never tell me about her past. What should I do? Let it go or what

    Hi badboye,

    I think communication is essential in any relationship. However, I also believe that everyone is entitled to their secrets. Instead of asking her about what she did while you two were separated, why not create new memories. Discuss your desire to have her share D/s with you and set up a few protocols or rituals you might want to share with her, even designate a “D/s Night” once a week. Purchase a few books on the topic and discuss your thoughts about it. This is always a good way to start opening the door to possibilities.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • Tori Rebel Tori Rebel 2 users seconded this question.

    There seem to be, in every large open social group I've encountered, far more dominant males and submissive females. As I am a dominant female and have accepted this as the status quo, I'm curious as to if I've been wrong all along - do you find that there is an equal number of dominant males and females or that the dominance is found more frequently in those that identify with the male gender?

    Hi Tori Rebel,

    I think that there are an equal number of Dominant men and women, however, I’ve found that most organizations are male Top heavy. It’s off putting at times when all the workshop demos are male Doms and female submissives since I like seeing it the other way around. However, if you go to organizations like Club Fem or other Dominant women organizations/circles, you’ll feel more at home.

    Another possibility is creating your own circle. I created The Colony for myself and friends, developing a structure for Dominant woman/submissive men to enjoy and embrace their time together in a strict D/s environment with protocols and rituals and so on; based on how I want it to look and feel. Why not develop a Colony of your own?

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "Nice suggestion, Doctor Charley! There are actually many similar groups for female Dominants, it just takes some searching to find them!"

  • Ansley Ansley 3 users seconded this question.

    Hello, Dr. Charley! Thank you so much for joining us at Eden.

    My question is about BDSM for Writers; is the concept for this book driven from your personal disappointment in the way BDSM erotica is written or was there something else behind it? Additionally, are there any published writers who have personally contacted you to praise how the book helped them create better scenes and stories in general, and/or have you received any flack from the writers at large? Thank you!

    Hi Stormy,

    My book, BDSM FOR WRITERS, actually came about because I wanted to educate authors and yes, some of the D/s stories out there are horrible. One writer I was on a panel with last year stated she was “writing fantasy and people should understand that”. She stated it with such distain that I wondered why she was writing BDSM to begin with. What I tell writers is that their book may be the first time the reader is introduced to the concept of BDSM and that author becomes the judge and jury of whether or not the reader is sick and pervert for their desire or the author reinforces the prejudices individuals have about people who embrace the D/s Life thus it is imperative that they educate themselves in what BDSM is really all about, not just the “how-to” but the emotional and psychological connections individuals make—this connection is what my books are all about.

    Yes, I have had some wonderful feedback from authors who have read my book, BDSM FOR WRITERS, or taken the BDMS For Writers workshops I conduct through Savvy Authors. If you go to my website www.bdsmforwriters.com you’ll see a few comments. Also, some writers have left comments on Amazon and my book reached #57 on Kindle last week. Yahoo! Authors who’ve left comments include Candy Smith, Cassandra Carr, Marie Tutore just to name a few. And a few writers have indicated their desire to start writing D/s now that they understand a little more about the Life from having read my book or taken my workshops. Plus my favorite author who actually writes amazing BDSM stories, Joey W. Hill, wrote the forward/preface for my book, BDSM FOR WRITERS.

    And for BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH, Catherine Gross wrote the preface and Viola Johnson from the Carter Johnson Leather Library wrote a beautiful dedication.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "Your book BDSM For Writers is actually the one that interests me more just because so many people who write erotica with BDSM themes do not do it well. It's very upsetting, especially for those of us who love reading erotica. Writers could definitely benefit from picking it up, so it's nice to hear your thoughts on it!"

  • Melissa Smith Melissa Smith 2 users seconded this question.

    What would you recommend for people who are interested in learning more? Whether it be a book or Simple new toys to start out with. I am looking to spice things up and would love to hear what you would recommend.

    Hi Melissa,

    Well, first I’d recommend reading a copy of my book, BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH which you can get as an eBook or paperback through my website or Amazon or B/N or Smashword. I did notice that on Smashwords you have to ensure to approve Adult content.

    Second, I’d recommend going to a local Munch and meeting others in the community. A Munch is the equivalent of a Potluck or social gathering. No, you’re not playing during the Munch just socializing. Afterward some people go out to a club or go to someone’s home to play.

    I also conduct an exclusive BONDAGE TOURS night-out in NYC complete with a little education, some food, and a trip to a local BDSM Club.

    As for toys, Blindfolds are a must have! A soft deer skin Flogger and some cuffs are a great start for your toy collection. I prefer the fur lined cuff this way you can leave the sub/slave in them for hours.

    Though most people want to jump into the deep end when they first start D/s, a slower approach is often best, especially since emotions run high and you want to feel comfortable doing things.

    I’d also recommend joining a few D/s organizations to start building your D/s community. Friends and Mentors are a godsend when you’re trying to sort out your emotions and have a “who am I and why am I doing this” crisis. (Everyone goes through it—especially newbies.)

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "Great suggestions, Doctor Charley! I do love deerskin floggers!"

  • arewehavingfun? arewehavingfun? 2 users seconded this question.

    Thank you for such inspirational messages, both here on EdenFantasys and in your books.

    I am VERY NEW to the BDSM side of my sexuality. I think about it often and have come to the conclusion that sexual preferences are fluid and change. What would you say defines a person as "into" BDSM. I am sure it comes from the person because we all carry many "labels (religion, ethnicity, gender, occupation, etc).

    Hi,

    Thanks for the kind comment. I do try to inspire others. My unofficial titles are: Sensual Sensei and International Inspiration for Change. Plus, I believe in world peace through sex. *smiles*

    The labels we place on ourselves define who we are. As I’ve mentioned, I think everyone practices some form of D/s in their “vanilla” lives. For Instances, hickies—marks of ownership, wedding rings---finger collars; and well I think every couple has performed at least one Spanking with their partner even if it was just for fun or just a playful swat on the tush.

    BDSM is all about levels and intensities. Find the one that’s right for you. As you grow in self confidence and awareness you’ll increase those levels and intensity or find that you don’t want to increase them at all. There is no “RIGHT WAY” to do BDSM there’s just your way and that of the individual you’re involved with. Yes there are a few rules we live by such as SSC and RACK and no one wants to “break their toys” but it is fun playing rough with them.

    My best advice is to enjoy yourself, explore, and find others that are like minded.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley
  • oldman oldman 3 users seconded this question.

    Dr. Charley (and Morningstarcn0--

    Do you feel, as do I, that asking you about your personal life is inappropriate? A therapist does not have to be depressed to speak about depression or treat people who are experiencing depression. A cardiac surgeon does not need to have a damaged heard to fix one. I could go on and on, but I am sure you get the picture. To me, this query is offensive.

    FaerieLove FaerieLove 2 users seconded this question.

    Hello Dr.Charley! Welcome to Eden!

    I was wondering if you personally practice BDSM,if so how did you get started? Do you have any advice or tips for those new to BDSM?

    P'Gell P'Gell 3 users seconded this question.

    What is your favorite sex toy? Also, what type of Hard Play equipment is your favorite to use?

    Dear Oldman,

    Thank you for taking offence on my behalf. It’s very sweet of you and shows a quality I seek in a man.

    I’m so used to everyone asking about my sexuality and my personal practices that over the years I’ve learned to overlook the inappropriateness of the question and see it for what it is—especially in this case—merely a desire to ensure that the person who’s giving you advise understands the complexities of this unique Lifestyle and knows what they’re talking about. In the BDSM realm, this can become a matter of life and death. Plus it’s a way of connecting and knowing that they too are “normal”.

    As I mentioned in a previous comment, people can ask me anything, but it’s my right to choose whether to answer it or not. Thus I’ll reveal that I am in the Lifestyle but I won’t reveal to what degree nor if I practice such things with my partner. For that you’d need to read my books or come to a workshop. Then again, some things are private and you wouldn’t learn them unless you’re in a relationship with me since they’re no-one’s business but my own.

    The only time I take major offense is when someone equates Sexologist with whore. At those times, I wish I had a big burly slave standing behind me who could crush the fool. *grins* I Love that thought actually!

    Thanks again!

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

  • Kayla Kayla 2 users seconded this question.

    What were the basic ideas behind the "Dominance and Submission Therapeutic Mentoring Model"? It sounds like an amazing concept, and I'd love to learn more about it!


    Hi Kayla,

    Dominance and Submission Therapeutic Mentoring Model is a based on the concepts of the BDSM lifestyle and the ways Dominants and submissives interact. It is a combination of therapy and Mentorship. I developed this concept in 2005 when I was treating patients who were having problems with self-acceptance and struggling with their D/s desires. The concepts I use are focused on enhancing the individual’s acceptance of self in whatever role they desire to embrace within the D/s community and Mentoring them and providing therapy to give them a better outlook and self-acceptance and confidence. When using it with couples, the D/s Therapeutic Mentoring Model builds upon their desire to grow into a more solid Master/slave or D/s relationship and I help them create the foundation they need to solidify their growth. By combining therapy and Mentoring, I believe the individual/couple is able to overcome their struggles with self-acceptance and/or their partner as he/she embraces their desires and defines the BDSM lifestyle for themselves. The beauty of the Dominance and Submission Therapeutic Mentoring Model is that individuals find the peace and acceptance they sought as they come to terms with their identity and who they want to be in this world and whom they want to share it with. I’m proud to say that a few couples have gone on to marriage and/or full-time 24/7; and others that would have split apart are now more solid in their union.

    A little shameless plug, I provide counseling in-person and over the Phone/Internet as many individuals aren’t in the NYC area. You can sign-up through my websites or via email to schedule an appointment.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • unfulfilled unfulfilled 3 users seconded this question.

    Welcome to the Eden Community Dr. Ferrer,

    My question is quite personal, and is the reason I came into the Eden Community recently in the first place. I am turning thirty next month, and have not ever been able to achieve orgasm. My husband and I have been married for eight years, are sexually active with one another, and are in a loving committed relationship. I have not been sexually abused and I have no disabilities that could be preventing my orgasm, but for some reason I am just not able to achieve the elusive orgasm. Do you have any insight that could help me? Have you come across this before in your career? Any advice or suggestions that you are able to give me would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to go through my entire life feeling unfulfilled.

    Hi there,

    I would recommend my book, THE W.I.S.E. JOURNAL FOR THE SENSUAL WOMAN. It is a book on how to enhance your sensual desire and come to terms with your sensual and sexual divinity. It provides many questions and examples to help you take control of your sexuality and help enhance your orgasmic potential. You can find the book on Amazon or obtain it directly from me.

    One thing I would start with is writing a “Body Letter”. Ask your body what it would need from you to be orgasmic and how you can both co-exist. Also consciously give yourself permission to be orgasmic. Yes, I know this may sound a little esoteric but it’s amazing how well it works. You might also wish to join one of my Orgasmic Potential workshops if you’re in NYC or sign up for one online.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "What an interesting suggestion! Hopefully it helps!"

  • SiNn SiNn 2 users seconded this question.

    Whats the best advice youd give to a pain seeker someone who loves pain so much they havent found their limmit

    Hi SiNn,

    I would caution you to be careful and ensure to find safe partners to interact with. A hard masochist more so than others may sometimes put themselves in very compromising positions because of their need for physical pain and intensity. Using hypnosis to increase the intensity without increasing the level of physical damage is also a good alternative.

    Remember keeping yourself safe is every individual’s responsibility!

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…


    PS: What’s that disclaimer they have me use? Enter at your own risk…and...I neither encourage or discourage…wait here it is: BDSM involves both emotional and physical risks and I am not responsible for either. *chuckles*

    Sir (host): "That disclaimer is very funny, I like it very much. Made me laugh. But it is important, I agree, to stay safe even when engaging in high levels of pain play."

  • Kayla Kayla 2 users seconded this question.

    You do a ton of writing! I'm jealous as I wish I could write that often! Where do you come up with your inspiration for the topics you write about?


    Hi Kayla,

    I love to write because I love to share the knowledge. My inspiration actually comes from you all; from people who ask me questions or ask me to write about certain topics.

    To me writing is easy, I typically finish a book within 30 days or less. I actually have three more books that are just sitting on the kitchen table waiting to be edited. However I’m busy trying to market the new books, BDSM FOR WRITERS and BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH that I have to hold off on those other three till next year. Either that or clone myself---then again getting a new assistant and a few cabana boys would be great. *smiles*

    My wish is to find an agent/publicity manager who can help me do all the marketing without charging me an arm & a leg or who’d be willing to work on commission; and of course building a network where people help me get the word out to help sell the books so I can fund the new ones. With the craziness with the previous publisher and the censorship attempts made, I’d rather stick with self-publishing since I believe it’s inappropriate to censor adults in any way—especially were sexuality is involved.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction) 4 users seconded this question.

    I'm currently studying psychology with hopes of doing exactly what you do. I find human sexuality to be incredibly fascinating and I work in an adult store, so a lot of times I end up as somewhat of a "sex therapist". Do you have any tips or pointers for someone looking to get into the field? What are some good programs to look into for graduate work? Do you find that doing what you do is as fulfilling and rewarding as you thought it would be? Are there any particular challenges with it?

    Hi Miss Debauchery,

    I love my job. I love educating individuals in sexuality!

    However at times it can be very challenging. Over the past 15+ years that I’ve been a Sex Therapist and Clinical Sexologist the number one challenge is censorship. It’s amazing how often people will try to censor me and the information I provide. Or they only want to have me talk about sex if it’s absurd or for shock value. I actually was doing a workshop for adults on how to enhance their relationship and sexuality and the company that hired me told me “minutes before I went on stage” that I wasn’t allowed to say the word SEX. Nor was I allowed to say intercourse or coitus. I’ve many more examples, including the latest attempt to censor my books on BDSM and the banning by the church of my book THE LATINA KAMA SUTRA. Apparently there’s really naughty things in there you shouldn’t read. Laughs.

    The other challenge is dating since many will want to date you merely for what you do or because they think you have low morals. Or they want to use you for therapy. One guy told me he wanted to date me so he could write an erotic novel based on things we’d do together. Ok where’s that big burly slave that can squish him for me. *chuckles*

    Aside from the craziness, it’s an awesome feeling to see someone accept themselves fully in whatever manner is right for them. To have someone love themselves, their body, their sexual identity for that first time. That to me is worth all the cherry jelly beans in the world and putting up with inappropriate comments/questions at times.

    As for schools and training, I graduate from the Institute for Advance Studies of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. Ensure that whatever graduate program you do has at least no less than 10 courses in sexuality and read read read everything you can on sex, relationships, and self-empowerment.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "This was a very good question and answer! I enjoy hearing about other degree tracks available, and it was nice to see your input on that. I do believe, however, that some people misunderstand what a person in the sex industry really does for their job."

  • Miss Voluptuous Miss Voluptuous 2 users seconded this question.

    Who are some of your biggest role models?

    Hi Miss Voluptuous,

    My biggest role models:

    Nietzsche
    Wilhelm Reich
    Dr. Ruth
    Margaret Sanger
    My patients—those willing and longing to improve their lives
    Me…yeap you should be your own role model
    And my friend Nancy who’s constantly reinventing herself and her life in positive ways; so much so that I call her the Bourne Identity woman.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • Spoken Pandora Spoken Pandora 2 users seconded this question.

    Welcome Dr. Charley it is wonderful to have you here.

    What advice would you give someone who is interested in helping others with their sexual transition into BDSM?

    When I wrote my book I was so nervous about what others would think of me but at the same time I wrote it solely for me. Now I am finding that people are coming out of the wood-work, sharing their personal stories and asking for my advice. In my circle of friends I'm the only lesbian black chick that indulges in such things. I feel that this is why they come to me and I want to help them and others who find themselves in the same boat.

    The transition into the lifestyle, for me, was very emotional, scary, enlightening, and freeing all at the same time.

    As of late I have really considered helping others but I don't know where to start or if I am even knowledgeable enough in the first place.


    Hi Spoken Pandora,

    What an awesome name and philosophy.

    It is wonderful to help others discover their place in this world and comfort within themselves. The best advice I can give is to be true to yourself and others. Go to novice groups where you can share your story. Develop a circle of friends who can come together and talk. Learn more so you can pass it on.

    It’s often scary to travel a new path and leave a trail for others to follow…but then, it’s also an awesome feeling and very soul filling.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • Beck Beck 3 users seconded this question.

    What question would you like us to ask you? Please also answer it.

    Jon S Jon S 4 users seconded this question.

    If my partner really wants to try bdsm and I really don't want to since I have NO interest in it, what can we do? I am okay with compromise, but I already know I am not into it mentally or physically. Thank you!

    Jon,

    Never do anything you don’t want to do sexually and never enter BDSM if it doesn’t call to you!

    If this is a new relationship, you may wish to consider why you’re in it and if it’s really the right one for you.

    If it’s a relationship you want to keep then considering a compromise, perhaps it’s ok for him/her to indulge in their BDSM needs but remain fluid bonded to only you. (ie: no sex with anyone else and only certain activities.)

    Communication is paramount. Talk and set boundaries!

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "Great honest advice, Doctor Charley! Definitely said some good words here."

  • Antipova Antipova 4 users seconded this question.

    What do you identify as the single largest hurdle to BDSM becoming commonly-accepted (not necessarily widely-practiced, just widely-accepted and respected)? Or are there multiple hurdles?


    There are many hurdles to BDSM being widely accepted.

    1. Changing the medical/psychological status of it being an “illness” is a key; something NCSf is working toward
    2. Education of the masses.
    3. Changing the way the media portrays us
    4. Changing the way authors write about us
    5. Stopping prejudices when it’s seen.
    6. Education of members
    7. Overcoming guilt and shame
    8. Having members willing to stand up for it
    9. Changing the attitudes of law enforcement and medical providers
    10. Education! Education! Education!

    I think BDSM is today where GLBT was 20-30 years ago. We’re still in the Leather Closet. I’m hoping that my books will help change that over the years. I think BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH is valuable in the fact that it’s a like at the emotional and psychological connections individuals make in the Liftstyle and not about how-to play with toys or throw a Whip, etc. But WHY a Dominant likes to do so and why a submissive craves it. I really love BDSM For WRITERS as that book is going to change how authors write about D/s and their readers will start learning and understanding what D/s is really all about and as time goes by, we’ll see some changes. Yes, it’ll be slow but hopefully long lasting.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…


    Sir (host): "The perpetual Leather Closet. I'm hoping that we all are able to come out of it in the near future, without problems."

  • Hello Dr. Charley.
    My parents have often called me the weird child. This is because they found out about my sex toy collection and how we are into BDSM. I can not help but say thanks for being called weird, even though deep down it does feel like things that I like are unacceptable. Any advice on how to deal with this?


    Chocolate or vanilla? That’s all that matters.

    BDSM will always be “weird”. Toys will always be weird. Everyone will always have an opinion and comment as to what’s acceptable and what isn’t.

    I learned a long time ago that I would NEVER be like everyone else and I stopped trying to fit in. Yes, it makes me sad at times when I’m discriminated against or when I have someone get foolish with me or treat me badly because of my occupation or what I like, but I rather have all that ugliness then allow them to dictate how I’ll live my life and live in misery according to their rules.

    So my question and philosophy is: Chocolate or vanilla?

    Neither is better than the other but we all choose one. Choose yours and enjoy.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • Dr. Charley -
    Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and wisdom with the community. I have three interconnected questionellas/questionettes regarding identity and stumbling blocks therein that I'm hoping upon which you may be able to offer insight.

    First, it is my belief that BDSM/kink are as core to identity as anything else in our formative years, but sex is such a personal topic to so many people, it can become a stumbling block when fetishes or kinks or BDSM comes into play. What suggestions would you have in opening the door to that discussion with a partner?

    The other half of identity is slightly more personal to me, as it's more difficult. Being that I identify my gender as being outside of the typical male, female or even the community typical extended options, it can be intimidating to try to discuss this with even my closest of friends how I view my gender identity. Would you have any suggestions on how to know when to discuss it and how to raise it?

    Finally, also indirectly related to identity - I'm turning 30 this (solar) year, and I remain a virgin (male sexed). As I age and the number of virgins in my own age group declines, it becomes more and more of a self-conscious issue when trying to date - so much so that I haven't in over six years. I'm fairly certain that seeking out a service professional isn't the healthiest of ideas, so I was wondering what suggestions you may have to help overcome this mental hurdle without sacrificing myself in the process?

    Again, thank you for joining the community and lending us your expertise.

    Hi Shadowfall,

    Thanks for trusting me to answer this question and discuss it with you. I believe all your questions stem from the same place and the common problem of communication and vulnerability. It is always difficult to discuss issues of identity with another and it’s even more so when you feel vulnerable and fear rejection.

    The beauty of D/s is that sex isn’t necessarily a part of it but what I call “gravy”—an extra bonus that you might share with your Dominant/submissive. Like those that merely want service and not pain or “play”, sex is an individual thing. I think that bringing it up as part of your discussions is healthy and a must. Like putting gas in your car once a week if you want it to run, talking about desires and boundaries and the hard topics (like sex) is something every couple should do weekly. As for what’s the best way bring up the topic, I would say you have to jump into the pool to see whatthe water is like. If it helps, have a few index cards with each topic you want to discuss and have a few notes on the back of the card to help you remember what you want to say and when you can’t say it out loud you can have the other person read it.

    Journaling is also a wonderful way to share your thoughts and fears with a partner (Dominant). Of course it goes without saying that you shouldn’t censor yourself. Through the journal you would write about what bothers you, what you desire, what you feel about a scene or interaction and what you hope for the future. Sharing this Journal with your Dominant/Master/Mistress is a wonderful way to help you and the relationship grow. And creating your own Sex Manual—Submissive or Dominant Manual is a great gift to share with another. I actually conducted a workshop on this at TESfest 2011.

    I think that overcoming your fear of being vulnerable with another and taking chances is an important first step. The fact that you haven’t been in a relationship in six years due to fear of addressing your sexual identity issue and your celibacy makes me wonder about trust issues and past hurts. By past hurts, I don’t necessarily mean trauma, but hurts—rejection, fear of losing someone’s love or affection, etc. Sometimes hon, in order to get what you desire most you’ll have to take a leap of faith. Yes, at times you’ll crash and burn but other times someone will be there to catch you. Life is too short and too long to live it alone!

    Yes I do believe that at our core we identify as Dominant or submissive and that is how we live our lives whether or not we’re in the Scene; some share it openly others don’t. Though yes, some people enter BDSM to dabble and try it because they had a fantasy or want a little kink with their sex, I believe for those true Dominants and submissives/slaves it’s the same as with being Gay or Lesbian, you’re born that way—whether or not you embrace it is another story.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "This was a wonderful response. So thorough and caring, it was a pleasure to read, Doctor Charley."

  • ty so much for the advice. I really apperciate it and i am curious as to stormys question my self

    Thank you for answering my question and giving me advice. I do not live in NYC or anywhere on the East Coast, but I will see what I can find online about the Orgasmic Potential Workshops. Thank you for all of your help!

    Hi SiNn & unfulfilled,

    You are most welcome. Thank you for your questions.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley...
  • Hi Dr, Welcome to Edens,
    Im new here also! I do have a question, I have kids, so my sex life has went down hill, and I feel like im just not in the mood anymore, I use to enjoy sex, what do you think I should do to get more into it, instead of making it a routine chore?
    Thanks so much!

    Hi Jenni,

    Having kids is always a lot of work. I recommend taking some time for yourself to just be you. Yes, I know this is at times asking for a lot with all the demands family and kids throw at you but if you don’t, you won’t have energy. The second must do is have no less than every other weekend away from the kids for at least 3-hours with your partner. Reconnect with him/her! Return to being the sensual woman you were before the kids were around. This means getting away from the house since at the house you’re “mom”. Go to dinner, go for a walk (nope not the movies—you can watch those with the kids). Do “grown-up” activities. Go to a hotel and be naughty! Recapture those naughty/slutty desires that existed before motherhood. You’ll be happier for it…and so will your partner.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "Great response, Doctor Charley! It's important to still connect with a partner on an intimate level, even after having children. It does get difficult though at times, but it helps on many levels!"

  • I have another question wher ei live there arent many places to go to explore the BDSM world just curious if these are not as publicized if they arent how would I find one to attend or take part in ?

    Hi again SiNn,

    Look into www.Fetlife.com This is a website for kinksters & the BDSM community. They often have information on events and organizations all over the country and they’re not drowning in wannabes like Bondage.com and some of the other sites. Also, look at the bigger organizations which are close to you even if they’re two hours away. These will often have info on groups in your local area. MAst has organizations all over the US as does www.clubfemm.com those should provide you with a good start.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "I love MAsT! Wonderful suggestion."

  • How do you feel about lables places upon people who chose to live this life style? and do you think that society today give other relationships a bad rap because they dont understand them ?

    SiNn,

    I hate labels since they tend to place people in a box that many can’t get out of. With labels comes judgment!

    However, I understand that labels help us connect and identify with one another. It’s that very duality which makes labels necessary—a blessing and a curse.

    Society will always see kink or anything they don’t understand completely as wrong or something to fear. However, individuals can learn to think for themselves and perhaps help others to re-label – from negative to tolerance -- one individual at a time. It’s what I hope my book, BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH, will do…one reader at a time!

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • How do you manage to find balance between your practice, your writing, and of course your personal life? There are a lot of people in the EF community, such as myself, that have full time jobs, personal lives, keep up blogs, and are trying to branch out into other things such as additional writing. How do you make time for it all and find a healthy balance?

    Hi Tori,


    It’s hard to manage it all at times and some days I wish I had a clone and two cabana boys. Smiles.

    Other days, I would say, time management and compartmentalizing is the key and works great for me. For instance, I work as a professor 4 days a week and I see patients 4-days a week; 1 day a month I do my television show for 4-hours (2-3 episodes); Mondays for an hour I guest on a radio show; every Sunday I write articles for the newspapers I work with; every Tuesday and Thursday I put on my writing hat for my new book, SEX REPAIRS and/or do publicity for the new books, BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH and BDSM FOR WRITERS. And Fridays/Saturdays I save for my partner and myself to ensure I re-energize.

    Yes, it is a bit exhausting at times however I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I do so it’s not a chore for me and I get energized by all of your questions and comments as it reminds me why I push myself so hard.

    If you can find someone to share tasks with like an assistant, an intern or cabana boys, this would be a great help especially if you share/trade the tasks you’re not good at with them. Did I mention those cabana boys and a clone? Now that would be heaven!

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "Yeah, it's definitely a lot do carry. I personally work a full-time job as well as go to school and [try to] keep up a blog. It gets very hard at times, but it certainly is worth it in the end! Sometimes, I think that it's better this way! Nice to hear your opinion on that, Doctor Charley, this was a good question!"

  • Hey There !!

    To start the world of Bondage & BDSM has always been a love of mine & I offten find it looked down on when in fact the people who knock it are just fearful of the unknown in my opinion. My question(s) for you: How is it you became a part of the bdsm world? Have you always been drawn to bondage? What made you decide to get into your line of work & has it brought you satisfaction knowing your helping others explore a hidden passion that's looked down on by lota of people?

    I love seeing someone who is proud of her work & proud to be a part of the bondage/bdsm world !! Thanks for all you do

    What's the oddest reaction that you've had from someone when you tell them what you do for a living? I tend to be met with a lot of surprise when I mention that I'd like to be a sex counselor.

    HI! I have just one question. Is there anything that you have come across in your personal or professional life, that has completely stopped you in your tracks? Not something negative, but something that was just incredibly positive and opened you up to new ideas and opinions?

    Hi Ladies:

    BDSM was always there for me, I just didn’t have a “label” for it for a long time. No I didn’t always understand it or was comfortable with it when a teen or young adult. My patients opened the doorway for me to learn and to see the prejudices that were and still exist toward sexual freedom. (If you read the interview this is explained there in more detail.)

    At times this line of work (Clinical Sexologist & Sex Therapist/Educator) has been hard and filled with lots of censorship, discrimination, and disappointments. Sometimes I’ve felt (and at times still feel) I’m in a battle all by myself because others refuse to stand up and help make a difference. Everyone wants to talk about sex from a "shock value" perspective but education and real discussions often get pushed aside.

    Every now and then I have thought about how much easier my life would be if I gave up and just became a mindless drone and did the typical 9-5 job and never uttered a word about sex or orgasms or self acceptance. It never fails to happen that at the times I’ve hit these low points, I get a letter/email from someone that attended a workshop I conducted a few months ago or a year ago or read one of my books or saw one of my show episodes. In their letter, the person shares with me how that workshop, or a comment in my book, or my show helped shine a light in their darkness and how they felt better about themselves and were able to accept their sexuality completely. I thank the Universe, God and the Goddess for their intervention since that individual rejuvenated me and reminded me of my ultimate purpose in life--and I start fighting all over again--for OUR SEXUAL FREEDOM because for me, if I help just one person out of the darkness, I’ve accomplished my purpose in life.

    Nope it's not always easy but it is rewarding at times.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…

    Sir (host): "Excellent response, Doctor Charley. It was a pleasure to read."

  • We have a bit of a tradition here at EdenFantasys for our interview guests to answer this question for us:

    Sex Is...?


    Sex is LIFE !!!


    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley...
  • Beck Beck 2 users seconded this question.

    I have tried to get my husband more into the bondage scene. He does do it rough enough, he is scared that he will hurt me. How can I help solve this issue? What suggestions do you have for me on how to even bring it up the right way, with out turning it into an argument?

    P'Gell P'Gell 5 users seconded this question.

    What do you think are the best ways to make rough play and BDSM more palatable to the masses, even if they don't ever want to try it themselves. It seems to be considered such a rare niche or "fetish" type or sexual play. How do we make it known that it is normal and simply a variation? And more common than most think.


    Hi Ladies,

    First I have to say, BDSM is NOT for the masses and as I’m very adamant that it should be consensual, I would never force anyone into playing or accepting it.

    On the other hand, I am also adamant that people NOT be prejudice against those that embrace BDSM and be tolerant of it just as they should be about different religions and sexual orientations.

    How do we help the masses understand that BDSM is NORMAL…we educate them, we speak out when people make fun or make inappropriate comments, we let them know that prejudices against others merely because their different isn’t acceptable. And though I realize we can’t all come out of the leather closet for various reasons, we can remind others that inappropriate behavior against anyone due to sexual orientation, desires, or identity is not acceptable!

    And most of all, we educate ourselves and behave with honor and dignity and respect! When we do this, we teach others by example and we begin to alleviate fears.

    Live with passion,

    Doctor Charley…
  • wetone123 wetone123 4 users seconded this question.

    What advice would you give a sub on finding a master?

    Hi wetone123,


    There are three simple steps to get started in finding the right Dominant/Master/Mistress: know what you want, ask questions, check references.


    (1) Know what you want: Before you start your search for a Dominant (whether male or female) it’s essential to know what you are looking for. What is it you desire to share? Is it just play, occasional interactions, a Master/slave relationship, etc.? Make your Fonzie list (as I like to call it) of all you desire and want to share as well as the attributes you desire. This shows that you’re not just being another “kid in the candy store” but taking responsibility for yourself, your desires, and what your bring to your potential Dominant. Yes, these desires may change with time and experience; however, it’s always good to have a starting point—a foundation to build on.


    Ensure that you’re looking for the right type of Dominant. If you’re new, you don’t want a Sadist even if your fantasies prompt you in that direction. smiles. Knowing the type of Dominant you desire will help avoid frustration on both sides. For instance: do you want a Daddy/Mommy Dom, a Sensual Dom, a Master, a Service oriented Dom or a Sadist? Each of these types of personalities brings something different to the Whip, so to speak. Knowing what you desire to share is the first step before ever starting your search for a compatible Dom/me.


    (2) Ask Questions: Once you have an idea of the type of Dominant you seek, form a list of questions that you’d like to know about the Dominant and their character. What do they desire to share? What do they seek in a submissive/slave? How often will they wish interaction with you 1x week, 1x month? Do they have any other submissives/slaves already? etc. As with any relationship, communication is paramount--in a D/s relationship, it is essential.


    (3) Check References: Talk to others in the Lifestyle about who you’re thinking of interacting with. Are they a safe and conscientious player? Ask their prior play partners or past slaves/submissives what they were like. (People sometimes show a different face in public then they do in private—find out what it is!) Watch your potential Dom/me in action. Pay attention to what I call the “eebbie jibbies” that you feel. A little trepidation and anxiety is expected when interacting with a new Dominant. However if you get major warning bells going off in your stomach or get the feeling “something’s just not right”, don’t play!


    Though everyone loves to throw out the term SSC and that everyone should always play “Safe Sane and Consensual”, the truth is BDSM is also mired in RACK interactions. (RACK--Risk Awareness Consensual Kink). Therefore be responsible for your decisions to interact with another and keep yourself safe. Be consciously aware that there are risk involve in all types of D/s interactions whether physical or emotional ones. And know that things won’t always be “fun” and sometimes there will be a “bad scene”, that’s realism. Learn from it and avoid it or make it better in the future.


    Always have your “safe person” back up when playing and use your “safety call”. Play publicly for the first 5-10 interactions. Yes, I know it’s wonderful to play privately as you can do so many more deliciously wicked things, however, playing publically or at private play parties will give you a good assessment of what the Dom/me is like as well as what you can expect from them in terms of Aftercare and follow-up.


    If you’re new to the BDSM lifestyle, I also recommend reading BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH as it shares with you valuable information about the various personalities, both Dominant and submissive, that engage in BDSM activities and the ones to avoid. I’d love to tell you everyone in the D/s lifestyle is wonderful and honorable but there are jerks here as there are in the vanilla world. BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH also provides various ways to help you navigate and avoid many of the common mistakes and pitfalls present in the Lifestyles. Sorry is this seems like a shameless promotion for my new book, it’s really not. It’s just that this is the only book I know of (in the 15+ years I’ve been involved in the BDSM lifestyle) that actually gives you an unbiased look into Dominance and submission and provides helpful hints to navigate through its various emotional and physical levels.

    I hope you find what you seek. And remember, just like Goldilocks, you’ll have to try a lot of different ones before you find the one that’s “just right” for you.


    Live with passion,


    Dr. Charley Ferrer



    PS: There are more articles on BDSM and relationships on my website and blog http://www.bdsmforwriters.com and www.bdsmthenakedtruth.com (I'm updating this one and looking 4 writers)

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About Clinical Sexologist and Author, Dr. Charley Ferrer

Occupation: Clinical Sexologist, Author, TV/Radio Producer
Achievements: Only Latina Doctor of Human Sexuality in the US, 2006 Groundbreaking Latina Leader, TV/Radio Producer, Spoke before World Congress of Sexology, Author of 8-books on sexuality
Current Project: New books released August 1, 2011: "BDSM For Writers" & "BDSM: The Naked Truth" and Bondage Tours Exclusive outtings with Dr. Charley
Statement: "For everyone who’s ever sat in the darkness stared into the abyss and wondered, 'Am I normal?' ...Come find out then...Live with passion!"
Publications: Fox News Latino, HSNews Chicago, BDSM For Writers & BDSM The Naked Truth, The Latina Kama Sutra, The W.I.S.E. Journal for the Sensual Woman books
Education: Doctorate in Human Sexuality, Masters in Counseling Psychology, Certification as : Clinical Sexologist, Erotologist, Hypnotherapist, and Sex Educator
Age: 48
Editor’s note: With her informative, ground-breaking books, we're extremely proud to bring Dr. Charley, a clinical sexologist, author, and talk show host, to Community Interview!

Host

Sir

Sir lives the lifestyle 24/7. When he's not at the dungeon, he's working on getting his math degree. Math and BDSM—the two best things in life.

Recent interviews

  • July 11, 2012 Fred Petrenko: "EdenFantasys Celebrates 10 Years of Sexy Innovation! " Read full interview
  • January 24, 2012 Sex Educator and Author, Ducky Doolittle: "Ducky Doolittle, an Author, Speaker, Educator, and Activist, has spent the last 23 years being on the forefront of sexual education. Why did she decide to become a sex educator? How did she come up with the title and content for her book? What does she plan on doing next?" Read full interview
  • November 15, 2011 Editor and Author, Delilah Devlin: "Delilah Devlin, an editor and author, has tried multiples careers in her life before finding her calling in writing erotica. What brought her into writing and editing erotica? Where does she get her inspiration for her writing? What's the hardest part about being a full-time writer? " Read full interview
All interviews