#BillofRights - 1st Amendment - You Have the Right to Renegotiate

Ansley Ansley


The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so glamorous) process, we've put together a list of our own version of the Bill of Rights. We will be posting one new "Bill of Right" each day for the next two weeks and we'd love to hear your thoughts on all of them!

First up:

You Have the Right to Renegotiate Your Relationship.



Feeling like you never get your way or feeling taken for granted is a great way to build a huge mound of resentment in a relationship. The little things that didn't matter in the beginning now seem like neon blinking signs telling you to pack up the pets and the kids (if you have them) and get the hell out of Dodge. It's a lot easier to give up than it is to confront the issues. But, giving up on things hardly ever proves to be the right path.

How would you go about negotiating your relationship terms; be it monogamy vs. polyamory vs. swinging, housework, ideals and beliefs? Is this something you already do? Maybe you do and it comes so naturally within the relationship, you don't always see it? Tell us about it!

Is it a good idea to treat your relationship like an at-will contract (at-will meaning either party can end the relationship at any time and/or negotiate new terms)?
11/05/2012
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- Kira - - Kira -
We actually have a contract that was negotiated. It renews once a year, at which point it can be renegotiated. New terms are not negotiated aside from that period. If we're unhappy we have lines of communication open to rectify and issues within the year time frame.
11/05/2012
unfulfilled unfulfilled
We don't have a contract, but we have open communication and compromise!
11/06/2012
sweetiejo sweetiejo
This is a very interesting idea I never thought of it this way either but it does make sence. I like the idea of looking at it this way it may help a lot in my current relationship.
11/06/2012
Kitka Kitka
Quote:
Originally posted by unfulfilled
We don't have a contract, but we have open communication and compromise!
This exactly! We talk about everything, even things that may hurt one another, because it's important to communicate openly and honestly with each other at all times. At least for us this works out the best and has for the past couple of years, it was a hard road getting where we are now but I'm glad we put in the time and effort to get here.
11/06/2012
SneakersAndPearls SneakersAndPearls
We talk about what needs to be talked about and what is bothering us. Yes, some things can just be let go as the slip that they were. Other things need to be discussed, the sooner the better.
11/06/2012
clockwork451 clockwork451
I agree that you have the right to renegotiate a relationship at anytime.
11/06/2012
zorya zorya
We don't have a formal contract, but we do discuss our issues as needed, without penalty.
11/06/2012
Joans Reviews Joans Reviews
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... More
Well, this is my 3rd marriage so I learned a lot by my mistakes in the past! Before I got married this time my husband and I sat down and agreed we could disagree but to respect each other's opinions. We agreed never to argue about the kids discipline in front of the kids and to support the other in front of kids, even if you disagree and want to kick his ass, and finally, and MOST IMPORTANTLY we agreed NEVER, NEVER EVER go to bed angry and to discuss if anything is angering you before you go to sleep. This is what we do and we get along wonderfully and the third times a charm.
11/06/2012
Envoutes Envoutes
I don't see it like a contract, but we've almost treated it like one at some point, for different reasons (experimentation, if you will). But from time to time, we have renegotiated the terms of our relationship so as to see where we both stand and what we both want. It just sort of happens tho, when things aren't going so well.
11/06/2012
EmCose EmCose
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... More
No contract. We love each other enough to just talk things out and not have to negotiate
11/06/2012
Lil Lil
Calling it a contract makes it a little too formal for me, but it's important to have guidelines that you both understand. I don't think a lot of people sit down and discuss their ultimate goals and the structure of their relationship but we should. It's important to communicate about each other's expectations and I'm going to try to do better in the future.
11/06/2012
shanner shanner
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... More
I think communication is of utmost importance, no matter what. I am poly/non-monogamous and I am always upfront about how I prefer things. Compromise is key as well.
11/06/2012
Sangsara Sangsara
Yes divorce costs an arm and a leg and breaking up is already painful enough some sort if different contracted structure that a conventional marriage is a fabulous idea in my mind
11/06/2012
BlackRose91 BlackRose91
We don't have a contract, but we both know what we want in our relationship.
11/06/2012
closed account closed account
not liking the idea of doing it on anniversaries! i think it's better to do it as things come up, but not in the heat of a disagreement. also it's so important to communicate from the start on issues of relationship styles such as poly or swinging vs monogamy. at least a heads up that it could be on the table in the future, and vice versa
11/06/2012
charletnarouh charletnarouh
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... More
Wwe are still developing our relationship, which is a D/s relationship that will eventually have a contract. For now Wwe have a list of rules and protocols which are in developmental stages. When something doesn't work Wwe talk about how to change it so it does work, or may throw out a rule that is just not serving it's purpose. Wwe have open lines of communication at all times and Wwe frequently renegotiate things that aren't working. Wwe also have set time twice a month to talk about anything Wwe want where protocols are set aside and Wwe talk as equals. Wwe talk about the things that aren't working, things that are working, things Wwe each like and don't like, struggles either of Uus may be having, or just any feelings that either of Uus is dealing with. It's a time to celebrate successes and happiness, recognize and appreciate each other, as well as time to discuss problems or changes that may need to happen. This is a very successful method for us. i absolutely think that treating relationships as a negotiated contract that can be changed as needed adds longevity to relationships. It's wildly unrealistic to think that two people can be together for the rest of their lives and never change, that the relationship dynamic you establish early on will be exactly the same when you get to the end of your lives. Remaining static and unyielding only shortens the projected lifespan of the relationship, in my opinion. Flexibility and communication are key. People change, life happens, things come up you didn't anticipate, needs and desires may vary like the weather. The relationship needs to be adaptable in order to survive life's climate changes. This is a fairly common mindset in BDSM relationships but i think it is a model that can very successfully be applied to vanilla relationships.
11/06/2012
nynekats nynekats
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... More
For me it is all about fairness and equality. Both parties should be happy and get their way at least 1/2 of the time. If you simply can't agree on something, compromise is key. Its not always going to be fun or easy, but it will work if you are willing to give up your 50%!
11/06/2012
An Queer An Queer
Quote:
Originally posted by unfulfilled
We don't have a contract, but we have open communication and compromise!
Yeah, this! Contracts are for business partners and property. Talking and agreeing with each other is enough for us. Unless that is considered a contract.
11/06/2012
Martiniman Martiniman
In almost 20 years of marriage, I think we are constantly renegotiating as we have changed over time. I think the key is open communication, being able to talk about anything at any time.
11/06/2012
sexyfun sexyfun
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... More
I've definitely done some negotiating in my relationship. Before I ever had sex with my boyfriend I told him he needed to commit to being exclusively with me. I am probably the more demanding one on my relationship expressing my 'requirements/terms' easily and he seems happy to 'comply'. In theory either party can end the relationship however I would hope to at least get some respect with then ending. For example, we live together and pay bills together. Should either of us leave then we should explain that to the other and give sufficient time to make other arrangements. New terms are always up for negotiation
11/06/2012
Sunny Meadows Sunny Meadows
Before my husband and I got married we both sat down and stated what we wanted and did not want in a marrage. We have sat down from time to time to figure things out further. But what has helped we have not repeated old mistakes. And we do not fight. We talk. And that is the best because we hear each other when the other talks. The best realtionship ever.
11/06/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by An Queer
Yeah, this! Contracts are for business partners and property. Talking and agreeing with each other is enough for us. Unless that is considered a contract.
Do you consider a promise to be a spoken contract between each other?
11/06/2012
Jay Baby Jay Baby
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... More
We don't have a contract. We talk things out and find something that woks for both of us. But we don't really negotiate things...its never been needed
11/06/2012
tigres1385 tigres1385
Quote:
Originally posted by SneakersAndPearls
We talk about what needs to be talked about and what is bothering us. Yes, some things can just be let go as the slip that they were. Other things need to be discussed, the sooner the better.
I agree with this 100%. More urgent issues need to be addressed sooner than later but there is always time to talk!
11/06/2012
MsKaiSins MsKaiSins
We just talk about it. If something does not work for He or I, we just simply say, "Hey. I need to talk about XYZ with you. When can we sit down and do this?" And it gets done.
11/06/2012
kmarsico kmarsico
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... More
We have open comunication and try to comprimise. #billofrights
11/06/2012
Kake aka PoeticErotica Kake aka PoeticErotica
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... More
Contracts are an excellent idea, imho. Personally, I plan to put one into effect in my next relationship.

It is my opinion, based on observation and common sense, that contracts prevent a LOT of miscommunication, misunderstandings, breakups, heartaches, and pain. This seems to result from not knowing what one's partner's expectations are -- both of the other party and the relationship in general.

In my humble opinion, contracts are a necessary communication tool to use in defining the "rules" and expectations of relationships. I truly believe that if all couples did this in one form or another - however informal or formal - that there would be a lot less breakups, divorces, unhappy relationships, lying, cheating, etc.

Defining what's expected of both parties and what's "allowed" in the relationship from the get-go allows for clearer communication, more understanding, less cheating/lying, less breakups and divorces, and so on and so forth.

Also, while contracts are especially important in many BDSM/D&s/kink relationships, I wholeheartedly believe contracts can be incredibly useful in any relationship - even the most vanilla of couples.

In closing, I give contracts two thumbs up and five stars.

11/06/2012
PeachCandy PeachCandy
We have been together for almost twenty years and have renegotiated the terms of our relationship as we've grown. We don't have a "contract" but we are always respectful of each others feelings. We are very honest with each other and have open lines of communication. It works for us
11/06/2012
surfer surfer
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... More
We don't think about our relationship as a contract, but we certainly do have certain expectations (honesty, monogamy, helpfulness, nonviolent communication, etc., etc.), and we've always been very clear about what they are. Mainly we try to foster open and honest communication. It's been working out for the past 6+ years.
11/06/2012
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