'Alternative extreme masturbation/sex techniques'....hmmm... . How about in front of the police station, during daylight hours, wearing an 'Ice T' shirt? On your parents bed, quickly, during Christmas Eve dinner? In the back of a moving pick up truck on the turnpike, that also has glass bottles and pots and pans back there with you? On the Big ferris wheel, at the top, while wearing roller skates? Roller skate sex. With a mouth full of marshmallows (chubby bunny, don't you swallow!)? Or with an hand mixer against the dude's balls - hold 'em taught. Or....
This is, honestly, the best post yet Miss Blogess!
I just have to say, David Carradine (that guy from Kung Fu) did not die masterbating. He was killed by Ninjas. At least that is what his attorney Mark Geragos says. And who am I to disagree. I mean just think about it. Would Cain have kicked all that butt just to die yanking it in a motel room? I don't think so. Would then guy that was so hard to kill that it took three movies dedicated to the prospect of his death to finally do it have died by accident? No.
DAVID CARRADINE WAS KILLED BY NINJA ASSASSINS!
And that is what I intend to believe.
#2 cracked me up, i think stabbing is always the way to go.