How many of you, male or female, have been molested, raped or sexually abused in any way? What happened and how has it affected you?

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How many of you, male or female, have been molested, raped or sexually abused in any way? What happened and how has it affected you?

Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
** I hope that, although talking about sexual abuse can be disturbing, this discussion can also prove cathartic or otherwise helpful to those who participate.**

I know there are a couple of threads already that talk about rape, but they seem to focus on the rape of adult females. I haven't found a thread that discusses the rape of males or childhood molestation. I know this is an unpleasant subject, but I know that talking about unpleasant things can sometimes help people to deal with them. So I was just wondering how many people in this community have survived some sort of sexual abuse.

In my opinion sexual abuse includes, but is not limited to: being molested as a child; being violently raped; being raped by coercion; being raped while you were drunk or otherwise incapacitated; or having sex used to physically or emotionally harm you in any way. Simply having a stranger pinch your butt in a crowded subway, or having a drunk grab your boob in a bar is NOT sexual abuse. It's not acceptable behavior, but I do not consider it sexual abuse.

In the survey, I am including the option of saying that you don't know if you have been sexually abused. Sometimes memories are not clear-cut, and it is possible to be confused about what really happened, especially if the abuse happened when you were a child. Also, survivors of “date rape” can be unsure if what they experienced was really rape. (Though in my opinion if anything happened that you did not expressly consent to, it was rape.)

I am including the “other” option for anyone who might be differently gendered or who might not fit into the stated categories in some other way.

Voting will of course be private. Your name will NOT be shown.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I am female and I have never experienced any form of sexual abuse.
9  (17%)
I am female and I am not sure if I have experienced sexual abuse.
7  (13%)
I am female and I am a survivor of sexual abuse.
25  (48%)
I am male and I have never experienced any form of sexual abuse.
7  (13%)
I am male and I am not sure if I have experienced sexual abuse.
1  (2%)
I am male and I am a survivor of sexual abuse.
1  (2%)
Other (Please explain.)
2  (4%)
Total votes: 52
Poll is closed
06/23/2011
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Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
I was mildly molested by a much older cousin when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I say mildly, because there was no penetration, and the molestation only lasted for a couple of months. Also, I don't believe that this molestation left much in the way of scars because I took control of the situation and ended it myself. I threatened to tell his father what he was doing. He was terrified of his father. And frankly, so way I. I honestly don't know if I would have actually told my uncle what was going on if the threat of telling him hadn't been enough to stop the molestation. But the molestation stopped, and I knew that I was the one who stopped it, so I honestly don't believe that it damaged me much.

In my freshman year of college, I was violently raped by a group of young men. I was stupid and got drunk and walked across campus by myself. I was thrown onto a concrete surface and hit my head and honestly don't remember the actual rape, but the physical and emotional evidence was there to be seen later. This experience did leave me with terrible emotional scars. I had been a virgin and rather a goody-two-shoes. It was actually my first time to get drunk, and I mainly did it out of curiosity since everyone else seemed to enjoy it so much. I was such an innocent that I didn't realize how vulnerable it made me.

After a few months of recovery, I became extremely promiscuous, which I understand is a pretty common reaction to being raped. To this day, there is a part of me that wonders if the rape really happened because I have never remembered it. I know that it did. But there is a part of me that still doubts. And that doubt tears away at my self-confidence and my self-image. Maybe I became a slut simply because I wanted to and not as some sort of reaction to being raped.

In my thirties, while I was drinking wine at a friends' house, my friends' friend, whom I had met before, but didn't know all that well, raped me. I was somewhat drunk, but that's not why I call it rape. (Though taking advantage of someone who is drunk IS rape.) I would have been willing to have sex with him. I was still in my promiscuous stage. But he didn't just have sex with me. He slammed my body repeatedly against a brick fireplace and grabbed my hair and beat my head against the floor. I had to see a doctor because of the damage to my back. That's why I call it rape. Even though he was a friend of a friend, it was violent and it was rape.

I didn't fight back against him. Even when he was banging my head on the floor, I didn't fight back. And that bothers me to this day. Why didn't I fight back???

I wonder why these things happened to me. I don't think that sexual abuse is so common that my experiences are normal. At least I hope they aren't. But they have left me with a number of scars that affect both my self-image and my sex life.

This is the first time that I have shared all of this information with anyone other than my therapist and my husband. It hasn't been easy writing this. But I feel safe in my anonymity here, and I think that sharing all of this might help me. And might possibly help others as well.
06/23/2011
Owl Identified Owl Identified
First of all: you are not stupid for getting drunk and walking home. It is not the responsibility of individuals to not get raped, and this is a horribly dangerous line of thinking that is prominent in this culture. It is the responsibility of would-be rapists to not rape. The people responsible in all three of the scenarios that you described are those committing sexual violence against you. It is never yourself. You are not "guilty of being raped". It is not a crime, or even stupid to want to, get drunk and walk home. It is a crime to rape someone. You are not at fault in any way, shape or form for your assaults.

And thank you for posting this. In the future if you post something like this you may wish to post a "trigger warning" and state that you will be graphically describing sexual violence - simply because some of us can't handle reading that, and it sends us into a really bad place of re-experiencing our trauma.

I had trouble reading your accounts; I am also a survivor of sexual assault. I am glad you were brave enough to post them. I know first hand that one of the hardest things about breaking the silence around sexual violence is not just having to admit it to other people, but admit it to yourself. To admit that yes, that was sexual assault. Yes, that happened. You are effectively admitting these things by writing them out, and I think your therapist would probably be happy to know that. It takes a lot to get to that place.

Sadly, sexual violence is incredibly common. I wish I could tell you that your estimate about its rarity is true, but it's unfortunately not. 1 in 4 women will experience some kind of sexual assault in their life in the United States - and considering that this statistic is drawn from reported assaults, and that sexual violence is dramatically under-reported due to the shame and trauma surrounding it? I would bet on my life that the number is much higher. We currently live in a culture that teaches violence and promotes it, and until we change our attitudes we will all continue to suffer.

There is more in your post I want to talk about - especially that you call yourself a "slut" and feel negatively about that. Right now I feel a little drained just trying to talk about this and I am sure that you understand. I just want to thank you for sharing your story because it's extremely valuable in helping other survivors not feel isolated - and reminding others that sexual violence is a problem is a very real problem in our world. It's hard to share a story and doing so in person or on a computer takes a lot of courage. You have my admiration for doing so and all of my best wishes in coping and healing as best as you can from these experiences.
06/23/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Two things:

1) Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, even somewhat anonymously. I firmly believe that sharing your story is fully helpful and cathartic. There are many, many people here who are survivors. Some have shared their stories, some have not. Everyone heals and shares in their own time. A website you might find helpful as far as hearing other survivor stories and how they've overcome (or are overcoming, or simply coming to terms) would be ViolenceUnsilenced. The woman, Maggie, who runs the site is amazing!

2) I greatly appreciate your keeping the voting anonymous. Some people, as I said, aren't ready to come out with their stories, but are willing to vote.
06/23/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
I am sorry that happened to you.

I was molested by my grandfather from the time I was about 3 until I was about 12. My grandmother knew too, sometimes she was in the same damn room while it was happening, the Bitch! (I found out years later, she stood by while my grandfather raped his daughter for YEARS, until she was like 19 or something). She stood by and did nothing! My father physically abused me from the time I was a toddler, until I was a teen (I could not trust him, to tell him what his father was doing to me. My grandfather knew that and used that as his leverage to keep me quiet.) I have not spoken to that side of my family, besides my father since I turned 14. My grandfather and grandmother both died about 5-10 years ago and from how I understand it - they were long and painful deaths at that, but I don't have one single shred of feeling either way toward them anymore, only to the act of molestation.

My grandfather robbed my innocence from me. I was never a virgin. I never got to share that part of me with someone I loved "for the first time." I was very promiscuous in middle school and high school, looking for someone to LOVE me, what I got when I gave myself away was just someone to use me instead.

When I met my husband, I knew he was different. He wanted me and wanted to take the time to show me he was not like every other man I had ever run across in my life. I was 22 when our son was born. Shortly after his birth, I decided I was going to stop the cycle of molestation and incest that went on in my family. I blew the lid clean off that secret telling everyone I knew, everything I knew and everything that happened to me, telling my aunts and uncles, sisters and brothers everyone, so they knew how to address it with their kids.

I have taken back my power. I used to think sex was something that maybe I should not enjoy. I felt bad sometimes when I did enjoy it. I felt like I was that "dirty little girl" that my grandfather told me I was (he meant it in the way of I was trash and no one cared for me). All the things I associated with sex that made me feel bad, I have (with the help of my husband) conquered and my power has been restored as far as my sexuality is concerned.

When my husband calls me a "dirty little girl" it has a whole new connotation to it and is something I now take pleasure in hearing, instead of cringing from. Being beaten as a child, I didn't know how to overcome the auto-flinch when someone would just raise their hand around me. So we bought a flogger and a crop and I found, in my husband's hands, they have a dual purpose. I used to have a tendency to zone out during sex, but I enjoy being flogged to keep me present and in the moment and at the same time, I enjoy the thud or the slap immensely.

I used to think it was sick to enjoy an orgasm, because my grandfather induced that in me when I was a little girl. I used to think it was sick, to enjoy a pinch or a spank during sex, because my father beat me to a pulp when I was little. I now, give into those pleasures daily, it has been huge in my healing process.

*steps off the soapbox*
06/23/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivy Wilde
I was mildly molested by a much older cousin when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I say mildly, because there was no penetration, and the molestation only lasted for a couple of months. Also, I don't believe that this molestation left much in the ...
I'm going to address the "promiscuity" ; you mentioned:

Sexual promiscuity after being abused is fairly common. At least it was for me. There's this sense of: "Well, since I was treated as an object, that must be what I am; therefore, that is how I will act." Also, there is a sense of: "I will control now who gets to touch me." Not to mention the search for someone who will not see you as a solely as sexual being; where, in our own fucked up survivor mind, we determine that through sexual activity and base it on how the person treats you. I went through all three of those scenarios.

My very first Eden Cafe post, I discuss how I chose to reclaim my sexuality. A process that is different for everyone. The first thing that I had to do is to fully teach my brain to believe:

1) I didn't ask for any of it.

2) Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. Rape/abuse is NOT about the victim, it's about the power that the attacker feels the need to exert; and once they've got it in their minds that this is going to happen, they will make it happen. (Not that you shouldn't fight back, but their adrenaline-fueled strength is often hard to overpower) So, short of being a mind reader or a clairvoyant who can see the future, NOTHING you could have done would have changed their actions. Drunk or no. Short skirts or not!

3) They MAY NOT win. This is MY body.
06/23/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Redboxbaby
I am sorry that happened to you.

I was molested by my grandfather from the time I was about 3 until I was about 12. My grandmother knew too, sometimes she was in the same damn room while it was happening, the Bitch! (I found out years later, ...
I'm stunned - what happened to you is indescribably awful! Your resilience is amazing - this is the kind of experience that makes people into serial killers.

I continue to enjoy reading your posts - best wishes for you and your family.
06/23/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I'm stunned - what happened to you is indescribably awful! Your resilience is amazing - this is the kind of experience that makes people into serial killers.

I continue to enjoy reading your posts - best wishes for you and your family.
Funny you say that, "...this is the kind of experience that makes people into serial killers."

That is how I got my grandfather to stop touching me. I told him if he ever came near me again I was going to kill him! I said so, with such rage, that in that moment I really think he totally believed every word of what I was saying to him. I will never forget the look on his face and the fear in his eyes. He NEVER touched me, EVER again. It was then, I realized it was totally on him. He was the one who was wrong, not me.

However, I still had many years of thinking, as BBW Talks Toys said,"Well, since I was treated as an object, that must be what I am; therefore, that is how I will act. I will control now who gets to touch me."
06/23/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
So much heartache and pain caused or at least inflamed by our societies love/hate relationship with sex. You ladies are amazing people and I am honored to hear your stories. Your courage prompted me to sit my teen age girls down and tell them what you have said about abuse...I want them to internalize that abuse is the crime of the abuser and not the "fault" of the abused.
Namaste
06/23/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
So much heartache and pain caused or at least inflamed by our societies love/hate relationship with sex. You ladies are amazing people and I am honored to hear your stories. Your courage prompted me to sit my teen age girls down and tell them what ...
I would hug and kiss you if only you were a few miles closer!
06/23/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivy Wilde
** I hope that, although talking about sexual abuse can be disturbing, this discussion can also prove cathartic or otherwise helpful to those who participate.**

I know there are a couple of threads already that talk about rape, but they seem ...
I had to vote other because I have been abused sexually but I wasn't twisted up by it because I already believed I had no worth and if I wished to keep his love I had to simply endure his sickness.

I already knew it wasn't my fault and I wasn't a bad person because I simply stopped fighting and let hm have his way...I truly believed I was already a bad person intrinsically and had no right to say no or that if I did I would be alone and no one would ever love me.

Love was conditional in my house growing up and it was all about what you did for someone that made them love you. I was a HumanDoing rather than a HumanBeing.
I fell in love with a young boy who was so brutally abused sexually as a child by his own family that it STILL shocks me what he endured. I had no boundaries and he was so afraid that he controlled EVERYTHING that went on sexually.
Talk about tinder and flint, right?

At any rate we made it through and I found my self worth, he found his personal power and along the way we found an amazing partner that sees us the way we are, he is our mirror of truth and we are his.

What I would say to anyone who is sitting there feeling like they truly have no worth beyond what they do for people...stop being a HumanDoing and just try Being for a while. It's a whole new world when you face your shortcomings and learn that they do not define who you are! They are the shadow set there to define, deepen and describe your incredible brightness. You deserve to be loved just for breathing, anything else is fleeting and will fade away.
06/23/2011
Antipova Antipova
Thank you for sharing your stories, Ivy, Redboxbaby, Owl, and BBW. It helps everyone who has gone through something like this to have a cathartic, anonymous place to share. It helps everyone who hasn't gone through it to understand the consequences of actions, and to have compassion for other people. This has been a very moving thread so far, and I hope that everyone who reads it---both those who post, and those who just absorb--- will really ponder what they've read, whether or not they have had a similar experience, and whether or not they're ready to share.

My best to all of you, no matter what stage of recovery you're in.
06/23/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
So much heartache and pain caused or at least inflamed by our societies love/hate relationship with sex. You ladies are amazing people and I am honored to hear your stories. Your courage prompted me to sit my teen age girls down and tell them what ...
I second the, "If you weren't so far away I would hug and kiss you!"
06/23/2011
Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
I'm going to address the "promiscuity" ; you mentioned:

Sexual promiscuity after being abused is fairly common. At least it was for me. There's this sense of: "Well, since I was treated as an object, that must be what ...
Great post, BBW.

And thank you, Airen, also---your post published at about the same time mine did.
06/23/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Redboxbaby
Funny you say that, "...this is the kind of experience that makes people into serial killers."

That is how I got my grandfather to stop touching me. I told him if he ever came near me again I was going to kill him! I said so, with ...
Amazing! Stopping short of killing him, actually turns out to be the first step of your redemption - making a space for you to find your way out of the terror. Your subsequent success is the best 'revenge' - if there is such a thing.
06/23/2011
Noira Celestia Noira Celestia
I was sexually coerced a lot of times in high school, I've sort of blocked a lot of it out of my memories.
06/23/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by Owl Identified
First of all: you are not stupid for getting drunk and walking home. It is not the responsibility of individuals to not get raped, and this is a horribly dangerous line of thinking that is prominent in this culture. It is the responsibility of ...
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I really needed to hear some of the things you said. I don't think anyone has ever told me that I had a right to get drunk and walk home. I just always hear how it is stupid to put yourself in such a vulnerable position. One bitch of a girl that I told part of the story to, flat out told me that I was asking for it. That's probably why I've told so few people the whole story of that rape or about the other abuse I suffered

I'm sorry, but I don't know how to post a "trigger warning". If I can add it now, just tell me how. If I can't, please still tell me how anyway, and if I ever post another thread such as this one, I will be sure to use it.

My therapist is thrilled that I've started writing about my experiences. The anonymity of posting online makes it much easier for me. It's not like I'm actually telling anyone in real life. I'm just dragging it out of my head and throwing it into cyberspace. Still, it's not always easy. But I think it is good for me. And I thought it might be good to give other people a place to talk about their experiences.

I do understand about feeling drained. As soon as I finished writing this post, I had to get off the computer and go distract myself with a book. And even then, I still just sort of felt shocky for a while.

Thank you again for your words of support. They really do help.
06/24/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Two things:

1) Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, even somewhat anonymously. I firmly believe that sharing your story is fully helpful and cathartic. There are many, many people here who are survivors. Some have shared ...
Thank you for your support and for the link. I've bookmarked it and will definitely check it out when I'm feeling a little stronger.

And in my mind there was no question of keeping the votes anonymous. Even with the pseudonyms that most of us use on this site, not everyone is ready to admit to anyone that they have experienced sexual abuse.
06/24/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by Redboxbaby
I am sorry that happened to you.

I was molested by my grandfather from the time I was about 3 until I was about 12. My grandmother knew too, sometimes she was in the same damn room while it was happening, the Bitch! (I found out years later, ...
I am so, so sorry that you had such a difficult childhood. And I am appalled (actually appalled isn't even close to a strong enough word for what I feel) that your grandmother stood by and let this happen to both your mother(aunt?) and to you. How could she just let her husband do such things? How? And your father beating you. That's just awful (sorry, these words really aren't strong enough to say what I mean). Parents are supposed to protect their children, not abuse them or just stand by while someone else abuses them.

I am so glad that you met a man who would give you the emotional support that you needed. And I am AMAZED, truly amazed, that you have not only managed to overcome what happened to you, but have also managed to redefine many of those things and can now embrace them as part of your sexuality. That just shows such incredible strength on your part.

You are an example to us all. Bravo!
06/24/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
I'm going to address the "promiscuity" ; you mentioned:

Sexual promiscuity after being abused is fairly common. At least it was for me. There's this sense of: "Well, since I was treated as an object, that must be what ...
I am so sorry that you went through such abuse. (I know that I'm repeating myself, but I AM sorry, and I simply don't know how else to say it.) I read your Eden Cafe Post and was impressed, and made more optimistic for my future, by how you have overcome your past and now truly crave sex. I am also working on reclaiming my body and my sexuality, but I am just starting out and still have a long way to go. It sounds like you have truly made it. Congratulations!

I loved the "My Short Skirt" video.

"My short skirt and everything under it is mine. Mine. MINE!"

I wanted to stand up and cheer.
06/24/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
So much heartache and pain caused or at least inflamed by our societies love/hate relationship with sex. You ladies are amazing people and I am honored to hear your stories. Your courage prompted me to sit my teen age girls down and tell them what ...
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
06/24/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I had to vote other because I have been abused sexually but I wasn't twisted up by it because I already believed I had no worth and if I wished to keep his love I had to simply endure his sickness.

I already knew it wasn't my fault and ...
There are so many things I want to say in response to this. But frankly, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at this time. So, I'll just focus on the conditional love aspects. I also grew up with conditional love. You can read a little about it in my blog post, "Sex and Religion" I never knew what love really was until I met my husband. (He is the only reason that I am still alive today.)

But I still have a problem with being, as you put it, a humandoing rather than a humanbeing. I love the way you put that. It made me see things in a different way, and that's always helpful. I've talked to both my husband and my therapist about this, but I still have a problem with putting everyone else's needs before mine because of my fear of losing the love I have.

I wonder if that's why I didn't even fight back when the friend of a friend was beating me. He obviously needed to beat me, so I let it happen because it was what he needed. No matter how much it hurt me.

I don't know if that's the right explanation, but it's a new way of looking at it. And maybe that will help me to deal with it a little better.

"It's a whole new world when you face your shortcomings and learn that they do not define who you are! They are the shadow set there to define, deepen and describe your incredible brightness. You deserve to be loved just for breathing, anything else is fleeting and will fade away." -- Airen Wolf

What a wonderful philosophy. Thank you for sharing it with us.
06/24/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by Noira Celestia
I was sexually coerced a lot of times in high school, I've sort of blocked a lot of it out of my memories.
I am so sorry that you went through that. I hope you can find or have found a healthy way to deal with it. ::hugs::
06/24/2011
Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivy Wilde
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I really needed to hear some of the things you said. I don't think anyone has ever told me that I had a right to get drunk and walk home. I just always hear how it is stupid to put yourself in such a ...
Just in case you need to hear it again then: Ivy, you had every right to walk home drunk and to be left alone while you were doing it. It's not your fault that you encountered a group of violent criminals along the way, and the fact that you were vulnerable doesn't make you stupid, it just proves that they were sick-os.

I have a medical issue that has made me pass out in public several times, and will undoubtedly make me do it again some day. Does that mean I'm being stupid every time I go out in public alone since I'm making myself vulnerable? Or does it give anyone the right to rape me if I do happen to pass out? I don't think so, and I believe the concept is the same in your case; you were vulnerable, but nobody had the right to take advantage of that.

Normal men would have left you alone. Really nice guys would have helped you home safely. It's not your fault that those guys weren't normal or nice.
06/24/2011
KnK KnK
To anyone who has ever gone through sexual abuse. It is always painful and always incredibly difficult to recover from.

I am a survivor. It happened almost 2 years ago, but I still feel the aftershocks of it. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself, but I am no longer ashamed.

I was 19 and on what was supposed to be a "date." He was out of money (we were supposed to go to a local bar to shoot pool), so he asked if we could hang out at his place and drink. I got drunk a lot faster than I should have. I think he drugged me. We had been kissing, and he gave me a backrub. Later I was going in and out of sleep. I passed out and woke up laying my stomach with my pants and underwear pulled down and him on top of me. I felt something inside of my soul rid into shreds at the sudden realization of what was happening to me. I just laid there terrified and drunk trying to figure out what I should do to make him stop. I his hands around my throat and I wondering if I was going to die.

I said the only thing that I thought he might care about. He had previously told me how he disrespected his friends that got women knocked up and had to pay child support for their kids. I decided to ask him if he were wearing a condom. He said, "Oh shit," and got off of me. I got my clothing back on and yelled at him and cried that this was never supposed to happen and how could he do this to me. He took away my first time from me. He knew I was a virgin and didn't want to have sex with him. It was too much. He shrugged and said, "Sorry for ruining your life." I made him drive me home. I just wanted to make sure that I got home.

The next day I went to the hospital for a rape kit. I would be damned if he gave me an STD/I or had gotten me pregnant. For months I fantasized about his murder at my own hands.

To this day, I have not had sexual intercourse with anyone. I refuse to think of my rapist as the one who took my virginity. I have toys because I am in control of my own body and my own pleasure. I've become incredibly selective about the people that I date. I have had dates after that night, but only one out of several dates ever saw me naked or got to fool around with me, and I called all the shots because it was the only way that I felt comfortable.

I used to worry that this was the reason that I was into BDSM, because I had developed control issues or that my rape had fucked me up so I couldn't enjoy sex like normal people do. It took me a very long time to accept that I had been a kinkster before my rape and that being kinky is not a product of being "damaged."

I believe that one day I will find someone who is worth having sex with, but until then, I've closed my body off to everyone except myself for sexual gratification.
06/24/2011
Owl Identified Owl Identified
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivy Wilde
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I really needed to hear some of the things you said. I don't think anyone has ever told me that I had a right to get drunk and walk home. I just always hear how it is stupid to put yourself in such a ...
I'm really glad that I was able to help, because reading your post - even though it was painful - very much heartened me because I can feel your resilience and your strength in your words.

Not enough people - including the makers the movies, television shows, etc - know about trigger warnings! They're actually wonderfully useful. It's just a content warning, kind of like when they say "viewer discretion advised: adult language" or something like that. It just lets people know what they're getting into and gives them the chance to click away to another thread if they are not able to handle the content. A "trigger" is something that triggers your trauma, puts you back in a place of feeling helpless and frightened and raw. Triggers are often really specific to the individual. It could be a smell, or a song, something very innocuous out of context, but it reminds the individual of their traumatic event. Other triggers can be easier to predict and that's where warnings are useful. If an experience of sexual violence is described graphically, there's a good chance someone may feel triggered so the warning helps gives people the chance to opt out if they want to.

And it's absolutely not your fault. By definition, rape is something you DO. NOT. ASK FOR. If you were "asking for it" then it wouldn't be rape: it would be consensual. It is okay to be drunk. It is legal - so long as you aren't driving! It's legal and perfectly fine to wear revealing clothing. It's legal and perfectly fine to enjoy sex, to seek sexual partners, to go home with them and then change your mind. Maybe their demeanor changed, maybe suddenly you just don't feel comfortable - whatever the reason, you can ALWAYS say "no" at ANY point. There is NEVER a situation in which "no" stops meaning "no" and your lack of consent becomes invalid.

As a note, to have sex with a person that is drunk is actually very illegal because their ability to express consent is impaired. So no matter what, those people were absolutely 100% through and through responsible and the criminals. And to anyone uncertain of whether or not they were somehow at fault for being date raped, please know that in the eyes of the law the assaulter(s) are fully at fault because you were unable to consent due to your intoxication. Being drunk does not make you somehow at fault, it just makes the assaulter even more clearly at fault in my estimation.
06/24/2011
Noira Celestia Noira Celestia
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivy Wilde
I am so sorry that you went through that. I hope you can find or have found a healthy way to deal with it. ::hugs::
I'm getting there, doing a lot better in a great relationship. Honestly I feel like since I joined here a couple weeks ago I've totally created a more positive attitude about my sexuality.
06/25/2011
sexyintexas sexyintexas
I read through these posts and I just want to make a comment. There are some amazing people on this thread who have persevired though these ordeals. Some very strong individuals to overcome this. I want to say that I am sorry that you had to live through this and you are absolutely an inspiration as to how something good can come from something bad. Muah!!!!!
06/25/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by Alan & Michele
Just in case you need to hear it again then: Ivy, you had every right to walk home drunk and to be left alone while you were doing it. It's not your fault that you encountered a group of violent criminals along the way, and the fact that you were ...
Thank you A&M.

Strangely enough, after the rape, I was brought back to my dorm. I don't remember this, but according to some girls in my dorm, a couple of boys showed up at my dorm carrying me and dropped me off at the front door. The girls then managed to get me into my room and into bed. So I woke up the next morning in my bed with no idea how I got there.

Whether the boys who brought me to the dorm were the rapists or just nice boys who found me passed out and knew which dorm I belonged to I don't know. Maybe I was conscious enough to tell them the name of my dorm. It's a mystery. Just another reason that I am confused and conflicted about what really happened.

But I appreciate the support that you and everyone here has given me. Thanks.
06/25/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by KnK
To anyone who has ever gone through sexual abuse. It is always painful and always incredibly difficult to recover from.

I am a survivor. It happened almost 2 years ago, but I still feel the aftershocks of it. It took me a long time to stop ...
What a horrible thing to have happen. I am so, so sorry that you experienced that. I don't know if it helps, but in my opinion, since what happened was NOT consensual, you are still a virgin. I believe that you stop being a virgin when you CHOOSE to have sex. So since you didn't choose to have sex, you are still a virgin.

And I completely understand about fantasizing about murdering the bastard. I had quite a few fantasies where I was attacked by a group of men and instead of being the victim, I killed all my attackers. I had these fantasies a lot.

I am glad that you have taken charge of your own sexuality and have decided for yourself that being kinky does not mean you're damaged. Lots of people are kinky who have never experienced any form of abuse. It's just another way of enjoying one's sexuality.

I hope that you continue to heal and find ways of enjoying yourself. It can be a long process, but it does get better.

Be proud of yourself for the survivor that you are.
06/25/2011
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