Sex and Self-Esteem

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Sex and Self-Esteem

Dragon Dragon
Do you think that your ability to please someone sexually is a major component of your individual self-esteem or self worth?

(Private voting)
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
No- Sex is a part of who I am, but not related to how good I am
22  (20%)
No - sex is a physical need
Yes - Being able to please a partner is truly important and therefore part of my self esteem
75  (68%)
Yes - when I fail to please my partner I'm sad or depressed
6  (5%)
Yes - Long term sexual issues are devasting to my self esteem
7  (6%)
Irrelevant - I believe my partner should please me
Total votes: 110
Poll is closed
11/20/2009
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EffinSara EffinSara
I've never really taken the time to consider how "good" or "bad" I am in bed... as long as everyone's having fun it doesn't matter too much to me.

For me, the place where sex and self-esteem intersect is when I'm not getting enough sex. I realize that it's silly, but it makes me feel like I'm not attractive enough. I've been very lucky to find someone whose sex drive matches my own, so this hasn't been a problem in quite a while.
11/20/2009
Britni TheVadgeWig Britni TheVadgeWig
I was torn between two options on this one. "No- Sex is a part of who I am, but not related to how good I am" and "Yes - when I fail to please my partner I'm sad or depressed." Sex is a huge part of me, but it doesn't affect how I feel about myself outside the bedroom. However, as a submissive, I feel like a huge failure when I fail to please my Master because that's basically my job as a sub-- to meet His needs.

I would like to add, though, that when I get really down, especially when I was younger, I would use sex as validation. Going home with random people, or feeling like I needed to get laid in order to feel wanted or pretty or desirable. And I think that's a really common thing. I've tried not to do that anymore, but there are times when it still happens. When I feel like I need to have sex with someone so that I can confirm that I'm attractive.
11/20/2009
Sir Sir
Though I chose "no, sex is a part of who I am...", I do believe that the last choice is true also for myself. I also feel that I am pretty damn good in bed, so it doesn't particularly hurt my self-esteem, but it doesn't help it either. I do not have such issues; I am a very confident person.
11/20/2009
Red Red
Serious confession time - a generous handful of years back, my partners non-existent libido (which escalated over a few years, and were a result of anti-depressants) did terrible things to my self esteem.

I was young. I couldn't look beyond the "how this effects me". And truly, there was a heck of a lot going on in the background that I was unaware of at the time - but now am.

I've made a lot of progress since then, as has he, in his own way. I would take that situation in a very different way were it happen to me today.

Still, I fully appreciate how devastating long term sexual issues can be to self esteem.
11/20/2009
NuMe NuMe
I keep coming back to this thread without voting. And I can't vote because I can only pick one.

Most of the time it's "No- Sex is a part of who I am, but not related to how good I am"

But there are and have been times that it's "Yes - Being able to please a partner is truly important and therefore part of my self esteem"
11/21/2009
LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Wow, this is a really good post. It got me thinking for quite sometime about what part being a pleasing sexual partner plays in what I think of myself. I've got what I'd have to call a somewhat delicate and perhaps a bit over-sized ego when it comes to sexual performance.

I think of myself as quite good at what I do, based on feedback from past partners, but tend to bruise a bit easily when someone new suggests that I do something a bit differently to please them.

This is silly, on the surface, as of course, I want to know what pleases someone best and that requires they speak up. But somehow I find myself dismayed to find I just didn't "know" the perfect way to please him.

I get over it soon enough, but the tiny blow to my ego is there, none the less.
11/21/2009
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
I suppose.. I would probably be even more unhappy if I thought I was not pleasing my husband but, as it stands, I'm damned sure I'm the best he ever has or will have.
11/21/2009
Liz2 Liz2
I chose Yes- being able to please...,but I went with the emphasis on the word "major" in the intro., in reality #'s one and five are important to me as well and even #'s two and six have come into play. Sooo for me...it depends.
Too early to parse words.
11/21/2009
Dragon Dragon
It was hard for me to find the words to even "choose" the answers. I'm glad people are sharing and honest here.

I'm finding that when sexuality is wrapped up with personal self esteem it makes sexual communication that much more difficult.
11/21/2009
Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
It was hard for me to find the words to even "choose" the answers. I'm glad people are sharing and honest here.

I'm finding that when sexuality is wrapped up with personal self esteem it makes sexual communication that much more difficult.
I agree that it does make sexual communication more difficult. My little girl has self-esteem issues, and though it's never affected our sex life, it has affected other aspects of our relationship negatively because of the lack of communication.
11/21/2009
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
I agree that it does make sexual communication more difficult. My little girl has self-esteem issues, and though it's never affected our sex life, it has affected other aspects of our relationship negatively because of the lack of communication.
There is a difference between one person having self-esteem issues and therefore unable to communicate and specifically not being able to constructively hear communication about sex because it influences your self-esteem too much.
11/22/2009
Sammi Sammi
I think it has been truly important for both my husband and myself to be able to please each other, and I think it does factor into our self-esteem. Sex is such an important component in our marriage.
11/22/2009
Dragon Dragon
I'm surprised to see that nobody thinks that sex is just a physical need. I've met several women who believe that is the attitude there husbands have. That makes it hard for them when their sexual needs are unmet.
11/28/2009
Me4real Me4real
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Do you think that your ability to please someone sexually is a major component of your individual self-esteem or self worth?

(Private voting)
No, it isn't a major component of my individual self esteem, but I think the ability to communicate openly and keep an open mind to suggestions and desires that my partner has is very important.
01/03/2010
Raven Raven
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Do you think that your ability to please someone sexually is a major component of your individual self-esteem or self worth?

(Private voting)
No, and that could be due to the fact that I've never had a man be unsatisfied, be it boyfriends or husband. If that weren't the case, though, my answer may have been different.

As much as I enjoy sex, I don't wrap it up with all other areas of my life when it comes to self-esteem. Since I feel pretty good about myself, I really have no issues here, but it did take a while to get to this point.

I do think sex is largely a physical need, and I've read about studies that show that as humans, we also actually need actual positive physical contact to maintain our mental and emotional health.
01/03/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
I'm surprised to see that nobody thinks that sex is just a physical need. I've met several women who believe that is the attitude there husbands have. That makes it hard for them when their sexual needs are unmet.
I do believe that sex is a physical need but I more strongly believe that my being good in the sack doesn't make me a good person and vice versa.
01/09/2010
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I do believe that sex is a physical need but I more strongly believe that my being good in the sack doesn't make me a good person and vice versa.
The truly interesting question is when sexual problems occur, how many people start to feel as if they can't do anything...
01/20/2010
Sephymuffins Sephymuffins
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
I'm surprised to see that nobody thinks that sex is just a physical need. I've met several women who believe that is the attitude there husbands have. That makes it hard for them when their sexual needs are unmet.
It seems that nowadays, most women feel like this. I'll never forget yesterday when I was walking with two of my co-workers to Subway just up the way from where I work; We passed by a few large windows into some restaurant and I glance over and there is a huge table with a bunch of men, apparently on their lunch break, but they were all in suits with ties, etc. They were gawking at me like I was some hunk of meat and it really creeped me out. I do not doubt at all that about three fourths of the men at that table were married, which makes it even more disgusting in my eyes.

I suppose my point is that it feels to me like men are more into the physical aspect of sex. This goes for women as well, but... yeah, I see more of it in males than females.

I, personally, do have lower self-esteem and I'm fairly shy on top of that. Luckily the man I'm with is *extremely* good in bed, but I always feel a little inferior as our relationship isn't the heterosexual "norm". I can't really touch him as much as I'd like, and that makes me feel like I don't please him AS much.

Self-esteem has a lot to do with the pleasing of your partner if you're sexually active in a relationship, or otherwise. I don't doubt this, not even for a second. I definitely think you have to be at least somewhat confident in yourself--but for me, being comfortable also plays a huge role in it, too. If I'm not comfortable, I'll be kind of scared to move or I just won't have sex.
01/21/2010
buzz buzz
I think it contributes to my self-esteem since its part of who I am. I also think my drawing of cartoons contributes to my self-esteem too. And I suck at drawing cartoons Hmmm maybe I let too many things affect my self-esteem...
02/05/2011
Kayla Upside Down Kayla Upside Down
I realize that we aren't all going to be perfect in sexually pleasing our partners, there are times where many factors aren't right and maybe things don't turn out, or maybe you have one of those oopsie moments where something goes bad and the night is ruined. But I cannot lie and say that if something were consistently happening, to the point where I was never pleasing my partner or I could sense a serious lack of interest, yes, that would lower my self esteem. Overall I need to know and be aware that my partner thinks I am fun, pleasing and sexy. Otherwise what am I doing wrong?
02/05/2011
lezergirl lezergirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Kayla Upside Down
I realize that we aren't all going to be perfect in sexually pleasing our partners, there are times where many factors aren't right and maybe things don't turn out, or maybe you have one of those oopsie moments where something goes bad ...
a perfect articulation of my thoughts
02/25/2011
toxie m toxie m
Honestly, I think this goes pretty deeply for me. I started out sexually when I was pretty young and it quickly became part of my identity that I was that girl who was all extra sexual and clearly so very good at it. I realize that there are clear issues in basing one's worth on something like that but at least I recognize it, I guess. And I'm with a lovely bf who raves about my skills, so maybe it doesn't even matter anyway
02/25/2011
Kitt Katt Kitt Katt
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
I suppose.. I would probably be even more unhappy if I thought I was not pleasing my husband but, as it stands, I'm damned sure I'm the best he ever has or will have.
Ditto that with me and my husband!
02/25/2011
UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
I'm sure if I wasn't pleasing my husband it would begin to affect me. But we have a pretty amazing sex life, so I don't have to worry about that.
02/26/2011
Xavier7 Xavier7
Quote:
Originally posted by UnknownGirl
I'm sure if I wasn't pleasing my husband it would begin to affect me. But we have a pretty amazing sex life, so I don't have to worry about that.
You're very lucky, do you know that?
02/27/2011
Xavier7 Xavier7
Quote:
Originally posted by toxie m
Honestly, I think this goes pretty deeply for me. I started out sexually when I was pretty young and it quickly became part of my identity that I was that girl who was all extra sexual and clearly so very good at it. I realize that there are clear ...
That is a very good point, and very true for a lot of us.
02/27/2011
Moein Moein
Sex is not only a physical group work between two, it is a Soul work also. It must be done by the agreement of the two and pleasing too. If I am the one who only get pleased by sex I will feel selfish.. and that not me at all.
02/27/2011
amandaco2011 amandaco2011
I work on pleasing my partner and he works on pleasing me and in the end we are both very happy.
08/30/2011
Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
i personally think practice makes perfect, and let's face it, we all have our bad days. i don't like to think because i'm not good in bed, i'm a bad lover. i just need some work and then i can be better. i take great pleasure in making my partner happy so i do my best to help them out.
08/30/2011
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