Value of virginity

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Value of virginity

T&A1987 T&A1987
In the modern era, do you think there is a legitimate "value" to virginity? There's often talk of "saving" one's virginity for someone you love,but what is being saved? The first time may be painful for the woman and that's not an association I would want, pain=me. Further there's supposedly shame and regret after losing one's virginity. Regret for what? If it's having sex with someone too soon that's understandable, but that anxiety might remain in the next relationship, even though his or her virginity is no more.

Of course there's always the "accomplishment" of "taking" another's virginity, but again, why? It stands to reason that a virgin isn't as good at sex as someone more experienced (although this may not always be the case) so good sex isn't the "reward." Is it supposed to signify purity? aside from potential STD's, which has more to do with partners and possible lack of protection, I don't see how virginity is all that "pure." These are just my opinions, but it seems like we put far too much emphasis into virginity.
11/11/2011
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Shellz31 Shellz31
Losing my virginity didn't mean anything to me. But I knew I wanted my first time to be with someone I was actually involved with and cared about. I didn't want to just sleep around with anyone - and still don't so it wasn't just cause it was my first time.

I have absolutely no regrets at all.
11/11/2011
Avant-garde Avant-garde
The concept of virginity does not mean anything to me. All I care about is the potential harm that can arise from sex. As long as you are happy and behave in a safe and responsible way its all that matters.
11/11/2011
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by T&A1987
In the modern era, do you think there is a legitimate "value" to virginity? There's often talk of "saving" one's virginity for someone you love,but what is being saved? The first time may be painful for the woman and ...
I kind of agree with your statements, but when push comes to shove (no pun intended actually...although it worked), MY "virginity" was worth exactly $1.06...which is the price this dude paid for a coke and candy bar, which was our "date" that afternoon, and the END of my Virginity. My relationship didn't last too long with him after that anyway (second real boyfriend...kind of a jerk) and once it was "over" it was over. Sure had no great "meaning" with him. Making LOVE with my hubby...every time...in a NON Virgin condition, sure has a million times more sentiment and feeling then that "first time"....so yes, it is overblown.

This whole big deal about "saving yourself" was all started as just a "method" to insure paternity in royal families with inheritance anyway.
11/11/2011
toxie m toxie m
I recognized that virginity could be an important milestone and I rejected it by losing mine as fast as possible, on my own terms (with someone who was special to me, I didn't outright throw it out the window, but I sure rushed through it). I wanted to move on to just plain old having sex and learning to be better at it without the extra significance of "first times" attached. It worked out fine for me, although clearly it's not a tactic for everyone.

However, as far as taking other peoples' goes, that was always power for me. I knew that firsts often do have special significance to people and so I did enjoy being that special person for various guys. It cemented me as an important sexy figure in their lives, and my ego really liked that. Yeah it wasn't the most selfless and moral time of my life, but I was a young teenager.
11/11/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
I put little value on the artificial construct of "virginity." Many people do "everything but" so they can "consider myself a virgin." I think if one is close enough to an other person to be having oral, anal or even manual sexual contact, why not do all of it? (As long as you have birth control.)

I had sex my first time (I don't use the term "lost" my virginity, because I didn't LOSE anything; I gained a sex life) when I was 16. I was with the Man I am with now, but we really weren't planning as far in the future as marriage (for heaven's sake, I was 16!) We then started an Open Relationship, and of course, had sex with other people.

My Man is older than me, so he was experienced in sex before he met me. I was clueless, and he taught me almost everything I know about many of the mechanics of sex. I have done a lot of research, to learn more, but his training and teaching taught me more actual real world experience than anyone else I've ever been with.

Sex for the first time didn't hurt, I didn't cry, I didn't feel "guilty" nor did I regret it ever. Even if I hadn't married My Man (after many years of dating and in an Open Relationship. The relationship was "closed" and became monogamous when I was still in college and we decided to eventually marry and got engaged.) I would never have regretted it.

Did I "save it?" I don't really know. I had the chance to have sex before I did with My Man, but I wanted to feel love for the person I had sex with first, for some reason. It didn't have to be "the man I would marry" (although it did end up being him) just someone I felt a great deal of affection and/or love for and knew I could trust. If it had been someone else, it would have been. No big deal. My Man was actually a little surprised that I was a virgin. (WTF Man?) He assumed I had experience, and couldn't figure out why I was taking so long. I finally told him, "I've never done this before. Have some patience with me." He did and it was nice.

I have certainly had sex with men I wasn't "in love" with, although I had an affection for every one of them. (If not, I wouldn't have had sex with them.)

I think it worked out pretty well. My Man and I are together, and it makes no difference that his "first time" was with someone else (I was a child when he had sex his first time, with someone else when he was 14.) I did consider myself grown up enough to choose him to have sex with at 16. I was not certainly completely mature, probably no more mature than many self sufficient intelligent 16 year old girls, but I was old enough to decide that it was time to have sex with someone I loved.
11/11/2011
zensgirl10 zensgirl10
Quote:
Originally posted by Shellz31
Losing my virginity didn't mean anything to me. But I knew I wanted my first time to be with someone I was actually involved with and cared about. I didn't want to just sleep around with anyone - and still don't so it wasn't just ...
I feel the same way.
11/11/2011
Moein Moein
Yes there is a value for Verginity in my society.

First, it is a value for a girl her self. She overcomes sexual desires which means she is a responsible person. Second, virginity is her most valued treasure that is been kept to loved knight. Third, Verginity shows her husband her purity.

But the most important question is: Does every man knows the value of the Virgin girl?
11/11/2011
AndroAngel AndroAngel
I don't put too much value on virginity, but to me, sex is something you shouldn't have for the first time with a stranger or a hookup, it should be with someone you care about, who cares about you, because that first experience shapes who you are sexually. And personally, I love the fact that my lover and I were both virgins when we got together, because we learned together, so there was no expectation for one of us to take the lead and honestly, I do view sex as a commitment in my personal relationships, so I needed someone who also viewed it as important.*

*Which is not to say I have a problem with people who don't, they seem like they're having a damn good time, so more power to them. If no one's getting hurt, it's all good.
11/11/2011
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
I don't think I ever put much value on my own virginity, but when I have had friends who are talking about theirs or wanting to 'lose' theirs, always tell them to make sure they are okay with it and its what they want. I always want them to value theirs.

I don't regret not putting a high value on mine because in all honesty, I've never really thought about it that much.

With that said, I think there should be a value on it because I've known plenty of people who feel like they threw theirs away or like they didn't put enough value on themselves as a person when they had sex for the first time.
11/11/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Moein
Yes there is a value for Verginity in my society.

First, it is a value for a girl her self. She overcomes sexual desires which means she is a responsible person. Second, virginity is her most valued treasure that is been kept to loved knight. ...
Does every man knows the value of the Virgin girl? I don't quite understand what "value" it has. If if means something for you, good luck. But, in our society, it isn't seen as "responsible" to deny oneself enjoyable sex. "Responsibility" is making sure you are safe, protected from disease and pregnancy and know how to have a good time.

Why would I have to "show my husband my purity?" When he couldn't care less. He wasn't a virgin when I met him. So? Did he show me "purity?" No, and it made no difference to me.

That's all fine if it works for you, but most people don't think that way. Sex is an enjoyable activity, and yes, even WOMEN enjoy it, if the man (or other woman) she is with knows what they are doing. I think "value" is placed on a lover who knows how to please.

I see no "value" to control my need for sex,and many people agree. My husband agrees. He enjoys a horny wife. A lot!

Good luck in your quest, but in our society, being a good partner (which includes being well versed in sexual activities and techniques) is valued.
11/11/2011
Ansley Ansley
It's complicated.

Until the Age of Enlightenment began, virginity equated to piety. Marrying a pious and virtuous woman was highly revered. In the earliest centuries, men were often at war or on the hunt for long periods of time and they wanted to be confident their women weren't bedding the men who remained behind. A virtuous woman also brought in higher dowries than a woman who was not a virgin.

So, back then it was really a big deal. A lot of family's well-being depended on marrying off their daughters and the earlier they could do it, the better.

Now? I don't think it has a meaning to me and I can't speak for every woman, but being a virgin was like the one "card" none of my friends and I wanted to carry. It was a big X on our foreheads. None of the boys we knew wanted to sleep with virgins or be "that guy".

I think a lot of first-wave feminists rejected the value of virginity because it was associated with being "sold" to your husband which meant you were property and that just wasn't okay.

I personally think it's all semantics and virginity means and is worth whatever you want it to be.
11/11/2011
Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Shellz31
Losing my virginity didn't mean anything to me. But I knew I wanted my first time to be with someone I was actually involved with and cared about. I didn't want to just sleep around with anyone - and still don't so it wasn't just ...
This was pretty much my thoughts too. I didn't have any huge hangup about losing it, but I wanted it to be with somebody I was in a relationship and cared about.
11/11/2011
Beck Beck
Quote:
Originally posted by Moein
Yes there is a value for Verginity in my society.

First, it is a value for a girl her self. She overcomes sexual desires which means she is a responsible person. Second, virginity is her most valued treasure that is been kept to loved knight. ...
Really so it is less valuable to have sex with her the second time, because she is no longer a virgin? How is virginity valued, except that if you have it you might be able to sell it to the highest bidder? So my vagina is no longer pure once I have had intercourse? That makes no sense, I think my vagina is purely a vagina and that is all there is too it.

I had no value to mine. And like P'Gell said I do not see is as a lost but as a gain of my own sexuality and the beginning of my adult sexual life.
11/11/2011
mudpie mudpie
I cared much more about virginity before I "lost" it. I have to use quotes because my definition of sex has changed since then. When I was a teenager I liked to draw hard lines about what "counted" as sex, but it was a little difficult since I was bi. So if I told myself that penis in vagina = sex, it would be ridiculous, because I frequently dated people who did not have penises. So I told myself that oral = sex, so by that definition, I lost my virginity at 16, but there's still gray areas there. I've still never had penetrative sex with a man, and before my "official" loss of virginity I had a lot of sexual experiences, so it just seems bizarre to me to classify one act as this big important thing that defines me. I think every first is important—first kiss, first time getting fingered, first time with oral, etc. The first time you have penetrative sex is just as important and exciting, but the label "virgin" doesn't mean much to me.

Oh, and I didn't really "save" it. I did wait until I felt ready, but my main requirements were just that I wanted to have sex with someone who I knew cared about me and who I trusted to still be there in the morning. I didn't feel that I had to be in a relationship with them. A friend and I had sex totally unplanned at a party, and it was an amazing experience I did not regret for a second. (ha, I just wrote sexond...)
11/11/2011
Ghost Ghost
I love this thread. I'm glad so many people are bucking the idea that virginity = value for a woman.

In any case, I lost my virginity as soon as I developed sexual feelings toward others and I never regretted it. It has not negatively impacted any future relationships that I was not a virgin. However, my husband was a virgin when I met him and it was a big struggle for me because I wanted to have sex from the outset and he wanted to hold out. >_>
11/11/2011
kitty377 kitty377
I don't virginity makes a person better than someone who is not a virgin. In this day and age most people out of high school aren't virgins...
11/11/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Moein
Yes there is a value for Verginity in my society.

First, it is a value for a girl her self. She overcomes sexual desires which means she is a responsible person. Second, virginity is her most valued treasure that is been kept to loved knight. ...
what about the value of the virginity of the male? and him overcoming HIS sexual desires? what about a husband's virginity showing his wife his purity? do those apply as well?

also, which society are you speaking of? it'd be great to have this knowledge too! thanks for sharing.
11/11/2011
Moein Moein
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
what about the value of the virginity of the male? and him overcoming HIS sexual desires? what about a husband's virginity showing his wife his purity? do those apply as well?

also, which society are you speaking of? it'd be great to ...
Your questions about men verginity are rights, it is the same value also. If he is a virgin then he is a responsible man who respects his future wife and marriage life.

I just want to add:
Virginity is the most important issue in Msn thinking after wedding. Husband will think frequntly: How many men she has slept with? Is she going to enjoy our sex life, or I am going to get worried about other plans by her? Will she repait it?

I know you may reject that thinking because of societies differences, but this thinking is found by 100's millions of people around the world, and we have to respect it. Unless, EF is only made for US citizens.

By the way, I live in Middle East.
11/11/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Moein
Your questions about men verginity are rights, it is the same value also. If he is a virgin then he is a responsible man who respects his future wife and marriage life.

I just want to add:
Virginity is the most important issue in Msn ...
Not all "husbands" think that way.

I'm glad both my husband and I have had other people. I appreciate him more knowing that there are men out there that are not good lovers and I found a good one, in part by "test driving."

My Man is glad I had other lovers because he knows I know what other men are like, and I am LESS likely to go looking for something I may have missed if I had only had him. (even though he was my first, we had an Open Relationship, seeing other people for years before we got married.)

Hundreds of millions of divorces and sad, unhappy, sexless marriages prove that going into a relationship naively may end in disaster.
11/11/2011
Hallmar82 Hallmar82
If performance in the bedroom is the most important part of a relationship to you, then clearly virginity is not. Virginity was an extremely important part of our relationship when I married my wife. It was an issue of self-respect and control for me. Sadly, I was proven wrong when she cheated on me. I suspect that our experience may be the exception rather than the rule (don't have any statistics handy for that answer) compared to those those who place so much important on "test driving" before marriage.
11/11/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Hallmar82
If performance in the bedroom is the most important part of a relationship to you, then clearly virginity is not. Virginity was an extremely important part of our relationship when I married my wife. It was an issue of self-respect and control for ...
I'm sorry you were cheated on. That's very sad.

I do think, however, that when virginity is placed in a high place of importance things often go wrong. (I don't think your situation is unique.) When you stress "virginity" and then once you DO have sex, "virginity" is suddenly gone. If you have "valued" it, now what? You based a relationship on a one time "value" that was over in minutes. The "value" that the two of you stressed probably for years is GONE and what do you have to fill the void? Then, if you aren't sexually compatible, things go wrong quite often. I'm sorry you were hurt, though.

On the other hand, couples who stress their sexual relationship with each other, after finding the right partner (and part of that "finding" involves... sex) only build and grow that relationship as they continue to have sexual relations. Nothing is lost then, only the love and sex becomes stronger.

And, by "test driving" one learns who is best suited to an other. Not just for sex, but for the entire relationship, in which sex plays a HUGE part.
11/11/2011
Hallmar82 Hallmar82
I think we were fairly compatible. We didn't really do anything different before or after the affair as far as bedroom activities go. The major difference was whether or not my wife thought I was really loving her or not. Her cheating on me was just a consequence of her feeling attracted to the other man. As you stay with someone long enough, you lose that initial chemistry and lust. She reignited that spark with someone else and that's what led to the affair. I won't deny though; the fact that she didn't do other things and experiment with other people was one of the reasons for her affair. However, it was certainly not the underlying cause, her depression and emotional needs were.

So, if I have any advice to give virgins, it is this: Make sure you are open and honest about your expectations, feelings, and sexual appetites before AND after you get married.
11/11/2011
chicken12 chicken12
I value virginity, but I can understand in our society how people don't.

I do agree that the value our society places on virginity is warped. If they don't sleep with anyone, they're called prudes. Men's virginity is considered an embarrassment, for women, not so much. On one hand, if women sleep with too many people, they're labeled whores. Men who "take" the virginity of multiple girls are considered awesome, but the same status is not given to women who take the virginity of multiple men.


I'm a virgin and I'm not ashamed of it; at the same time, I don't look down on anyone who isn't. I only ever want to have sex with one person - the person I marry.

Some people might believe in "test driving" before saying I do, but I think that social and emotional compatibility are far more important than sexual compatibility. I think it's more important that two people be willing to openly talk, compromise, look out for their own interests, and their partner's interests than it is for them to be able to have great sex. If all those former things can be met (communication, mutual compromise, etc), then a good sex life can be achieved. I feel that if a person isn't interested in working with their partner on their sex life, they're probably not very interested in working on other conflicts, either.
11/11/2011
Raym Raym
Quote:
Originally posted by T&A1987
In the modern era, do you think there is a legitimate "value" to virginity? There's often talk of "saving" one's virginity for someone you love,but what is being saved? The first time may be painful for the woman and ...
I think their is little value in it, how many people who lose their virginity and wait for their "special someone" actually stay with that person? It is very rare, and if people want to have sex but that is the only reason they are waiting, I just don't understand that.
11/11/2011
biggieaddict biggieaddict
Ringing in with one male's point of view, as far as purity goes, I think it has no or little value in the US middle class culture, and actually, many of the marriages of those I know who "waited" ended badly. Make that Most. Here, in the absence of strong religious conviction or local subculture doing more than lipservice to the concept, extended virginity seems to be a possible sign of instability or interpersonal naivete.

That said, I do think there is a huge personal value vested in a first experience, and to have a less than mindful approach or incidence (and I use that term with the nuance of disease reporting in mind)is a loss of a possible enhanced experience, and one that could be had with no great cost and some well invested planning.

As far as significant other vs fuck buddy, etc. ... My opinion stands, I think there need not be a relationship, but there does at least need to be an interest or sense of caring for others in general, an enjoyment of others' pleasure, even at the expense or replacement of one's own physical pleasure. Preferably mutual.

Just for an example, when I was single, I was of course disappointed if someone said no, I'm not horny...but I was more than happy to watch them melt into a rubdown.
11/11/2011
Moein Moein
There are another values for girl's Virginity related to parents. In many societies around the world it represents the value of family and culturing. Here are some proverbs from different culures show the value of Gilr virginity to family and parents:

- From Arminia: Girl like a Crystal, if broked can't repaired. (Shows that every one will see the ruin)

- From Malayo: If flower is picked, twig is run over (Twig or branch is a simple for parents who people will run over them if their daughter virginity is lost)

- From Romania: Girl's honesty like an Ice, when melts its white can't be seen. (same as first one)

Virginity has a great values in societies have ancient roots for thousands of years. I think Catholic societies in modern countries have such values.
11/12/2011
AndroAngel AndroAngel
Quote:
Originally posted by Moein
There are another values for girl's Virginity related to parents. In many societies around the world it represents the value of family and culturing. Here are some proverbs from different culures show the value of Gilr virginity to family and ...
I'm honestly pretty glad I don't come from any of those cultures and my lover doesn't see me as soiled because he's had sex with me already. I like having my sexuality valued, that every time we have sex it's precious to both of us, not just the first time.
11/12/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Moein
There are another values for girl's Virginity related to parents. In many societies around the world it represents the value of family and culturing. Here are some proverbs from different culures show the value of Gilr virginity to family and ...
I'm sorry, but just because something is part of someone's "culture" doesn't mean it's right or true. The United States, as well as other countries had slavery and racism as part of it's "culture" for hundreds of years; that didn't make it right or true, just selfish and evil.

As for Girl like a Crystal, if broked can't repaired. (Shows that every one will see the ruin) I don't see having sex as "breaking a woman." If you think like this, is your own wife "broken" after the wedding night? Then what?

"Virginity" is an artificial construct by people who want to completely control the feelings, pleasure and lives of women. It's a totally sexist construct, not to mention the basis of the Sexual Double Standard.

I simply can't agree with you. I KNOW my marriage is better because My Man and I experimented. He never saw me as "broken" because I had sex with other men, he saw it as my gaining more experience which only benefited our relationship in the long run. I learned things in my quest. Those things not only helped me appreciate him more, but it taught me some things to help our lives be better.

Also, I don't want to wake up one day in my 30s or 40s and think, "OMG, what did I miss? What are other men like? Maybe I need to find out!" THIS happens every day with "virgin" marriages (more than men who want or think they are getting "pure" brides realize) and often they never find out how the woman eventually satisfied herself.

Not only that, I learned from my experimentations that My Man is The Best when it comes to sex and everything else. There is no way I could KNOW this, unless I spent time with other men. I would just be guessing. He has NO fear that I will go behind his back to see what other men are like (unless we decide to open our relationship again, with mutual consent) and I have no desire to do that, having already done so when I was younger, before we decided to be monogamous.

Thank GOD I live in a "Culture" that allows me sexual freedom. Otherwise I'd probably end up being shot in the head on some soccer field by the "Purity Police."

I have my freedom and always have had it. I have a man who respects that women are SEXUAL beings and he works hard to keep me satisfied (as I do for him) we both learned from sowing our Wild Oats what was BEST for both of us.

You may find different in your relationship. Good luck to you. I hope, for the sake of your marriage, that it does work out the way you expect. I also hope you respect the fact that your wife is a sexual being and needs variety and experimentation, even if it's just the two of you doing these things.
11/12/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by AndroAngel
I'm honestly pretty glad I don't come from any of those cultures and my lover doesn't see me as soiled because he's had sex with me already. I like having my sexuality valued, that every time we have sex it's precious to both of ...
Well said, AndroAngel. Perfect.

My Man and I cherish every time we have sex. The "First Time" was only the beginning. The development of our love and our sex life was more important than the first time (which was actually MY first time with any man. The others came later, during our phase with an Open Relationship, which probably saved us as a couple. We NEVER would have stayed married or even gotten married, if we hadn't gone through the Open Relationship. I was simply too young and inexperienced and needed more experience, and to know what other men were like.)

I'm so glad, also that he sees my sexuality, as it is, as a real thing that needs nurturing, attention and respect.
11/12/2011
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