Breaking Up Is The Hardest Thing

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Breaking Up Is The Hardest Thing

Hannah Savage Hannah Savage
As I am going through a rough time in my personal life, it made me wonder about something, and I thought I would ask all of my fellow Edenites about it.

The majority of the time, do you plan your breakups? Or do they "just happen"? How do you feel about either of these?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I plan my breakups.
34  (43%)
I do not plan my breakups.
23  (29%)
I have never broken up with someone.
10  (13%)
Other. Elaborate!
12  (15%)
Total votes: 79
Poll is closed
11/04/2010
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Chilipepper Chilipepper
The guys break up with me ... usually by avoiding me and not saying a word that they want it to end. 'Get the Hint' cowards.

The only time I ever ended anything was my marriage, and it had been leading up to it for about three years so my ex-husband was not surprised when I finally told him it was over.
11/04/2010
Alicia Alicia
I've only had it just happen the one time that I was dumped. I'm pretty sure it was pretty spontaneous for him, unless he had issues with me that he never shared. Who knows.

Whenever I had broken up with someone I had planned it, I knew it was coming and most times so did the guys. Things weren't going well, I was losing interest, and they all knew it was a matter of time I think. I was never just sure in an instant whether I wanted to break up with any of them actually. It was always a feeling of "I don't know if I should..I like them but.." and finally it'd just get to the point that the "but.." was more important than the like or the love.

Oh wanted to add that I did have one boyfriend that was on again off again. Him I did break up with on the spot a few times without any planning..but it was because he pissed me off royally almost all of the time. Inevitably we'd get back together. The time I left him for good I did plan out and think about, and I made sure I was truly done with him once and for all.
11/04/2010
Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
I've only had it just happen the one time that I was dumped. I'm pretty sure it was pretty spontaneous for him, unless he had issues with me that he never shared. Who knows.

Whenever I had broken up with someone I had planned it, I ...
I should have added about how I feel on each of them.

For ones that just happen, I don't like them..I think that they're usually done without thought and without trying and sometimes a good relationship can get away like that. I think that's what happened with the guy that dumped me, though in the end it worked out better because we're both now married to people who are far more suited for us than me and him ever were. Unfortunately now we DO have to work together because I was pregnant when we broke up, so whether he likes it or not and whether I like it or not we have to work at our relationship on a friendship level now and for at least the next 9 more years!

For the ones that are planned, I think they're better but within reason. I personally never shared out right that I was thinking about breaking up with the guys I dated. They all knew something was up but I never shared with them my concerns really. So, in a sense I was also not trying to work at it with them and I was just trying to work it out on my own...which is not how a relationship works honestly.

I think that it's important to let the other person know where they stand at all times. If people aren't happy they should tell their S.O. that. They deserve to know and it's the only chance a relationship has at working.
11/04/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
I never planned out leaving my ex. I just saw it wasn't working and I really loved him (unheathly so) so it was really hard when we talked about leaving each other. I didn't plan for it to happen a certain day and time. It just sort of happenned.
11/05/2010
Dame Demi Dame Demi
Be honest. In everything. Learn to say and hear what needs to be said without fear or malice. Accept the bad and the good--in yourself and in others. Respect others enough to be honest with them, and respect those brave enough to be honest with you. I've loved once in my life, and went through 4 years of hell instead of letting go, because I honestly believe nobody will ever be better for either of us. I also refused to 'get the hint;' I don't let anyone off that easily. I'm not going to make it easier for someone I love to make a very, very bad decision. On the other hand, I would never put myself through that kind of drawn-out misery if I didn't believe 100% that it was the only decision I would be able to live with, regardless of how how much I got hurt, and regardless of the obvious eventual outcome. You can't stop people from betraying you; you can refuse to let them make you betray yourself. You deserve respect if you take an honest beating, but should be ashamed if you take the easy way out.

Lying is a waste of time, energy, and opportunities that could be used for learning. You can lie to make yourself look better, but it makes you a worse person. When you lie to save face, you lose out on gaining a priceless bit of wisdom. Lies can fabricate anything, but create nothing. A lie won't bring back what's dead, and can't nourish someone who is starving.

So...be honest. It's not easy, it takes a lot of practice, and you can fail without even realizing it. Belief is not the same as Truth, and being honest doesn't mean being correct. Honesty is an action, not a trait; it's our pursuit, not our answer. Don't be afraid to imagine anything, but never forget you know relatively little. It's perfectly natural for human beings to have faults and mistakes, so don't be too hard on yourself; but never forget the people around you are human beings too. Give all you have, and accept everything you're offered--you don't have to keep it if you don't like it, or you can show it to others if you don't understand it, or until you find someone who needs it.

Ah...I'm going to be tie-dying my pajamas and shouting "Can't we all just get along, man?" if I don't wrap this up. I apologize for the ramble; every time I think I've got the cynic thing nailed, this inner optimist pops up and confuses the hell out of me, and anyone unfortunate enough to be in my vicinity. You're all the victims of collateral hope.

With the caveat that anything I think, say, write, or believe is subject to change at any time without prior notification, the best I've come up with so far is a firm belief that being honest is always better than lying in some long-run sort of way. Profound, huh? Bet you're glad you plodded through all this for that dazzling insight! I guess I'm at a point where I believe we're all works in progress, that the Human State isn't one of finding answers, but of learning to ask the right questions.

But questions are meaningless in the absence of honesty, so I think a lot of the shit life throws at us is designed to teach us that. It may be easier, prettier, nicer, but a lie is still a lie, an unsubstantial construct with no meaning we don't give it. It's a shield from things we don't want to see, accept, or admit. The ultimate waste of time.

I think we know so little because the only questions we're brave enough to ask are those we've already answered, even if we can't admit that to ourselves. So I'm glad you asked the question; but you're the one who has to answer it. Your answer is in you though, not us. For what it's worth, I believe if we learn to listen to ourselves, overcome our fear of expressing ourselves to others, and are really able to hear those around us, that's where we'll find honesty. And if you move through the world as the real you, you'll end up where you belong, with the people who belong with you.

God bless. Or take another hit. Even odds you're a martyr or you're stoned if you're still reading this. I'm tired, and vaguely curious how this will sound to me tomorrow. It might be pompously confusing enough to warrant linking to my post on starting a cult. Or it will warrant sending a HUGE gift basket to Jersey in the hope of bribing someone to delete it. Though I guess that would probably nullify any point this might actually have. I WILL own my sleep-deprived nonsense!

Peace out. *shrug* Seemed as good an ending as any. And it IS an ending, to prevent me from going off on...

Nevermind. G'night.
11/05/2010
Midway through Midway through
I literally plan my stuff out, I'm terrible like that.
11/05/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Midway through
I literally plan my stuff out, I'm terrible like that.
That's not terrible...it's just your process
11/05/2010
Danielle1220 Danielle1220
I've always planned them. I knew it was coming and I like to think things out so even though i knew it was coming, I would always think it out beforehand.
11/05/2010
mnc5051 mnc5051
i do not plan if it happens it happens
11/11/2010
Kimbertrees Kimbertrees
I try really hard to plan them out instead of just letting them happen. Talking without thinking often leads to to a wee bit of regret.
11/11/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
When I was younger I planned them. It was a long time coming, giving too many chances, etc. and just prolonging what was needed with lots of time to think about it. I'll never forget the first guy I broke up with. He kept telling me he loved me and it freaked me out...eventually I broke up with him by telling him we didn't have the same feelings. He cried. I was 13... I felt so bad!

I have had the other too...but those never seemed to stick longer than a few hours. I guess because they are out of anger not real wants.
11/11/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Kimbertrees
I try really hard to plan them out instead of just letting them happen. Talking without thinking often leads to to a wee bit of regret.
That's probably why the spontaneous ones don't seem to stick.
11/11/2010
LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Midway through
I literally plan my stuff out, I'm terrible like that.
You're not terrible. I do it too :p
11/22/2010
Shumway Shumway
I've always planned my break-ups in the past, but I've always communicated honestly with my partners at the time about it. I've had quite a few women break up with me though, and not always received the same respect in return.

I'm happily married now, so don't really see breaking up as an option.. our relationship is far too important to just throw away, and so long as we keep the communication up and seek counseling when needed, I'm sure we'll still love each other just as much when we're old and grey
11/23/2010
Lady Venus Lady Venus
Other. Most of my breakups just happened. I had also planned a break up as well. Reason being, I was in a very, very abusive relationship. I tried to leave in the middle of our fights and I also physically got thrown back into the house and told I was going nowhere. I had to plan it for when he was working, my friends and family all met at my place at the same time. We moved me out in 30 mins. It was the quickest move I've ever made. And the best.
12/03/2010
Emily! Emily!
It all depends on the situation I guess. I've done both. I think that if you're breaking up with someone in the spur of the moment, there's obviously been issues leading up to it. It might be something subconscience that you've been thinking about and then it just comes out. But on the other hand, I've broken up with my boyfriend several times while we were fighting and we're still together right now lol
12/03/2010
Lady Neshamah Lady Neshamah
i'm not sure if i could ever plan a breakup. if things get bad and i need out, i'm out.
12/09/2010
Lindz86 Lindz86
I don't necessarily 'plan' a break up, but if things are going sour and I know they should probably end soon, I will think of a decent way to break up with someone...and I realize being broken up with isn't exactly a 'decent' process, but I will try to be as nice as possible and explain everything properly so as to not leave the other party extremely hurt.
12/15/2010
Kinkypixie Kinkypixie
Ive only broke up with a guy once before..but that was the cleanest break up Ive ever had
02/05/2011
UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
The idea of a spontaneous break-up is just bizarre to me. I've have it happen to me and it sucks. To this day I'll ever know why. One think I have kind of figured out is that usually the person doing the spontaneous break-up is the one with the issues.
02/05/2011
SexFeind22 SexFeind22
my breakups usually ended horribly when i planned the breakup, but recently my bf and i broke up because of his leaving for new hampshire came up, but since weve been friends for so long we kinda just morphed back into it, even though weve slept together there is no tension or awkward moments, it was the cleanest most spontanious break up ive ever experienced!!
02/08/2011
Mr.RightNow Mr.RightNow
planned
02/10/2011
teeny <3 teeny <3
My last one was kinda spontaneous. We had alot of issues I thought we were working on together. Than one morning we had a re-fight, he brought up a dead issue for the 13th time that we agreed to let be (I think it may have been about an ex of mine and involved making me feel terrible). So I just calmly said "Alright, get the fuck out." He didn't believe me, so I pointed to the door and stopped returning messages. It felt good to close that chapter.
02/21/2011
Caprieclipse Caprieclipse
Breaking up is the worst, its not something i can just plan but i am not mean about it either!
07/28/2011
Dear Ruby Dear Ruby
My one major breakup, last year, I planned. I really wish I hadn't put so much time into planning it, as dragging out the relationship was a really mean thing to do to my ex. I should have just done it when it first crossed my mind.
08/08/2011
thebest thebest
never broken up with someone
08/08/2011
lilly555 lilly555
Sort of, if I need to end things with someone it eats at me until I do it meaning that sometimes I plan it out and others I have very little finesse and just let it happen.
10/08/2011
Angelica Angelica
I once made a PowerPoint to help me plan a break up, haha. Usually I do plan the breaking up.
10/08/2011
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
I have never brokeup with anyone before. I've only had ONE real relationship in my life and I'm still in it today.
10/08/2011
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Total posts: 32
Unique posters: 29