Would it be a bad idea to take the only car and leave (description of situation below)?

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Would it be a bad idea to take the only car and leave (description of situation below)?

AAAToyGirl AAAToyGirl
I am putting aside money to get divorced from my husband of just over three years. He's a liar, verbally abusive, controlling, and has been living in a "poly" lifestyle for the last two years. He did this despite my objections. His last girlfriend lived with us for a year, and just moved out. I live in a 50/50 state. Everything acquired in marriage is split roughly 50/50. The car is only in my name, and I got the loan on it before I got married. So it is mine, and it doesn't affect what I get in the divorce. I'm thinking once the divorce is paid for I could just leave to get away from him. The issue is, this is the only car. He doesn't have one and wouldn't be able to get one before I leave. He makes a ton of money, but he also spends like crazy. I have been a housewife for the last three years, and gave up my degree in my senior year to marry him. Due to all of this, he is going to pay 1k a month in alimony until I can finish my degree and my masters or accelerated BSN, so I need for him to actually be able to get to work. Just curious as to what opinions are out there. I could stay until he was able to get his own car, but I am completely alone in this state; he has isolated me and I have no family or friends here. My days will continue to consist of him taking my car to work, and me being home alone every day, then my only company being him in the evenings; as you can imagine, it's pretty lonely, and he's a complete jerk most of the time. With putting aside for the divorce, it would take several months before he could get his own car; the payments on this car would affect his ability to pay debts he has promised to in the divorce. all of these agreements will be in binding legal documents from the lawyer. Any ideas are welcome. I just don't know how much more I can stand to put up with. I'm mostly interested in answers and suggestions, but I would like to see which way people vote as well. Thank you for taking your time to read this.
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
Yes
aliceinthehole , bayosgirl , MJ1337 , Pinkhare , MaryExy , Chilipepper , El-Jaro , Wildchild , amandaco2011 , EdenG , Callisto , Rossie , KinkyDesire , ToyTimeTim , JessCee , The Mother of a SiNner , A Closet Slut (aka nipplepeople) , padmeamidala , Yaoi Pervette (deleted) , Bry & Jenn , GravyCakes , darthkitt3n , mpfm , amazon , Bittenflame , hem , potstickers , Stagger13 , Kitten has left the site
29  (97%)
No
ViVix
1  (3%)
Total votes: 30
Poll is closed
08/04/2011
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aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
it's your car, you're already leaving him, he makes you feel miserable.

what's not to love about this idea?

get the hell out girl, and dont look back.



you deserve to be respected and this person has not respected you. it is time to look out for yourself, you and your own and do what is best for YOU. get out while you can. he'll take a bus or carpool or have a friend take him to work. tell him to get a bicycle. or buy a moped. you can find them easily on craigslist.
or dont tell him a thing. just slip out. it's your life. live it.


(or you can always do what i do and flip a coin, assigning my favoritest outcome to the heads. and if you dont like the outcome, you pick the opposite. works every time)

08/04/2011
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
it's your car, you're already leaving him, he makes you feel miserable.

what's not to love about this idea?

get the hell out girl, and dont look back.



you deserve to be respected and this person has not ...
I agree with the above. He's a real jerk; it's YOUR car; why should you care about his transportation?
08/04/2011
AAAToyGirl AAAToyGirl
Just worried about him cooperating with the lawyer and actually paying alimony. I've been married for three years, taking care of everything he wants. I'm pretty screwed till I finish school, especially if he refuses to pay his alimony. It's all overwhelming.
08/04/2011
MJ1337 MJ1337
Bewarned, I know you acquired the vehicle before you got married, it may still only be in your name, but technically speaking everything is shared in the marriage and split thereafter (unless you have a .. whats it called, the one that says you own this and he owns that post marriage? cant think of the word!). You may be able to argue this with a judge and get to take the car, post-divorce. On the other hand, if you leave early, you're married, and you can technically take the car at any point, since you're still married. And technically, he could do the same.
08/04/2011
AAAToyGirl AAAToyGirl
Quote:
Originally posted by MJ1337
Bewarned, I know you acquired the vehicle before you got married, it may still only be in your name, but technically speaking everything is shared in the marriage and split thereafter (unless you have a .. whats it called, the one that says you own ...
The 50/50 laws here cover property acquired in the the marriage, and some acquired before the marriage, but things like I pre-existing car loan are normally excluded. So that's not really a worry. One thing that the 50/50 laws here mean, is that the car (or any other excluded pre-marital property) doesn't count towards the 50% I am assigned, since it's considered pre-marriage property. Just like most debts brought into the marriage are left with the person who brought them into the marriage.
08/04/2011
MaryExy MaryExy
What does he spend like crazy on? I feel inclined to say take the car either way, but I have no sympathy at all if he's just spending on stuff like fancy wine and a pool. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, though, it should be no problem for him to get a bus, carpool, or even get a taxi.
08/04/2011
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Get out NOW.

My ex-husband was like that, too (except he could hardly find work because he was such an unpleasant person) - he isolated me and was emotionally abusive and all.

YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS OWN END.

By him forcing this situation, he is still controlling you. You need to break from that - get a passable job while going to school if you have to, women have done it for decades now to get their lives in order.

Think of your own survival first and don't worry about his. He needs to put on his big boy boxers and GROW UP. And you need to get your life on track, honey.
08/04/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
I am NOT a lawyer, you NEED one. Now. For advice etc.

If he makes "tons of money" he will be able to make car payments AND his alimony payments.

You need mediation to settle this.

I have no ideas of the exact laws in your state and I imagine few here do. I'd talk to the lawyer and only the lawyer. PLEASE, to make sure you are treated fairly in court, you probably want to keep this private (no Facebook etc) or it could work against you in court.

Good luck. Please call your lawyer today. He's the only one who would know the legal way to help you.
08/04/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
I'm with P'Gell and Chili.

Call a lawyer, take the car, and go.

From what you said, it sounds like you could really teach him a lesson on how to NOT treat someone who can take half of what you own.
08/04/2011
Lucky21 Lucky21
I'm sorry things are rough. I would say just leave, but you don't really want to get screwed out of your car. If you are in school, a lot of schools give students access to free legal advice. I would highly suggest that you talk to an attorney.
08/04/2011
AAAToyGirl AAAToyGirl
Thank you all. The college I would go back to would give me a full tuition scholarship and I would be fully covered, but I can't go back until next fall. I've been talking to a lawyer, but I don't have the money set aside just yet. Hopefully the budgeting will come together soon for that. Oh, I only am posting this up here. I'm not saying anything on facebook till the divorce papers are filed. I don't want everyone knowing that everything is failing.
08/04/2011
Eucaly Eucaly
He's not living a "poly" lifestyle if he's doing it over your objections. That's just plain cheating.

Get out, but try to get legal advice first.
08/04/2011
Wildchild Wildchild
Get out now! If he is verbally abusive which you already stated whats not to say he doesn't become physical with you. I get the car thing, the alimony thing but can you really replace you? I don't think so. Get out while you can and get some legal help from legal aid. The way it sounds your a victim of domestic violence (the verbal abuse). A lot of states consider the two the same.
08/04/2011
Jul!a Jul!a
I agree about the lawyer, and it's good that you're talking to one. I also think there's nothing wrong with you taking your car and going, and it shouldn't be too difficult to find a reliable car that doesn't involve payments. Especially if you live in a relatively populated area. It doesn't have to be pretty or perfect, it just needs to work reliably. He can search Craigslist and find a bunch, and some smaller auto dealers have reliable cars for relatively low money as well.
08/04/2011
AAAToyGirl AAAToyGirl
Yeah, he has the worst credit ever. lol. No one will cosign for him, and he thinks nothing other than some new car will do for him. He's completely opposed to the idea of getting a used car, but it would only take a month and a half or so beyond setting aside for the lawyer fees to get him a used car. I wish his credit was good enough to refinance my car in his name, because I really don't want the car payment each month while I'm in college. I'm the kind of person who would be completely happy with a used car.

I'm thinking, at this point, when we go into the lawyer, we'll set a date for alimony to start and for him to pay for moving expenses. I will move at that date. That will give him just enough time to get a car, and for me to get all of his bills out of my name.

I agree that he is verbally abusive, and rarely it has escalated to physical ... but I have no proof. Other then him threatening me in front of his mother, and some close friends. None of those people will say a thing against him, so ... I just figured I would drop the subject. I'll just be so happy when this is all done, and I'm out of this situation.
08/04/2011
Liz2 Liz2
Certainly speak to a lawyer. It might just feel good to take the car and go but I would get legal advice first.
Sounds like an issue of co-dependency here which would help to look into.
Also most states have consequences on ex-spouses that refuse to pay court judgements which can even mean incarceration, considering his life style, doesn't seem as would want to spend time in jail just to avoid paying you.
You also said he makes "tons of money", wheels shouldn't be a problem for him.
Actually, the way things are just encourages the status quo.
Good luck to you!!
08/04/2011
Ansley Ansley
God bless your soul, that you are still willing to think about his needs in this situation.

Consult your lawyer, have it billed to his lawyer, and then leave. No one should have to put up with being emotionally, mentally or physically abused in what is supposed to be a loving, romantic relationship. Get out while you still have the ability to care about his needs. Once you've lost that, things will most likely get ugly and you could put yourself into a position you never saw coming. (I don't pretend to have the ability to forecast what position that would be, exactly. But, I have seen things like this happen in many relationships and when it gets ugly, there's no turning back.)

Besides, he can beg a ride or take cabs or public transportation. I went without a vehicle for years and worked quite a distance from home at the time. I would get up at 4:30 in the morning to get ready for work, walk a mile to the bus station, ride for an hour and a half on routes that were completely out of the way, then walk another half mile to the office to be there by 8 AM.

It was brutal. I was stalked by random drivers, screamed at, cat-called -- you name it, it happened. I took it all in stride and just kept thinking of better days. If I can do it, he can definitely do it. It was my fault I was without the vehicle, no one else's. Therefore, it was my responsibility to get myself to work on time and eventually work payments into my budget. I think he's pretty much in the same boat.
08/04/2011
KinkyDesire KinkyDesire
You don't need to do him any favors. Do what's right and what's best for you because he sure as hell didn't do any of that for the past 3 years. He needs to man up and start being an adult which means instead of recklessly spending money on things he doesn't need, take responsibility and get himself the proper transportation so that he's not caging you up. This is just another tactic for him to control you. It is not your fault or problem that he doesn't have the proper transportation to get to work. However, I do understand the not-so-immediate circumstances regarding the car, his job, and his ability to be able to pay alimony & debts. For that, you should seek some legal advice to be one hundred percent. Just remember, You deserve better!
08/04/2011
Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I'm with P'Gell and Chili.

Call a lawyer, take the car, and go.

From what you said, it sounds like you could really teach him a lesson on how to NOT treat someone who can take half of what you own.
Been there, done that, and I took my truck with me.

Granted it wasn't the only car, but it was by far the nicer and more valuable one. You only get one life, you do not get a refund, do NOT waste it giving a damn about people that don't care about you. I was in a similar situation to Chili and totally agree with her, P'Gell, and JR.

I would consult an attorney first, but in most states, the car is yours AND he still has to pay you alimony, no matter how much he might bitch and moan and say he can't. I'm sure he can afford a bus pass, and if he can't, it's not your problem anymore.

Get out and live YOUR life. It's scary as hell, I know, but the only thing you will regret are the 'extra' days you spent there.
08/04/2011
Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by AAAToyGirl
Thank you all. The college I would go back to would give me a full tuition scholarship and I would be fully covered, but I can't go back until next fall. I've been talking to a lawyer, but I don't have the money set aside just yet. ...
"I don't want everyone to know that everything is failing"

Get out of that mindset. You did not fail. I did that to myself for a good year before I left my ex, thinking people would see me as a failure, a quitter, that we couldn't make it work...it's all crap. The only failure in these situations are within the person that doesn't treat others with respect. Walking away from someone whose intentions are to hurt you or who simply doesn't care? That means you win your life back.
08/04/2011
Rossie Rossie
Just make sure your family law lawyer gets everything down on paper, take the car and leave when the timing is appropriate. You shouldn't worry about how he goes around without a car. He might only want a new car now, but when reality hits, he'll figure out a used car is better than no car at all. Why should you worry about him when he treats you like nothing, verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, it hurts you psychologically.

I felt embarrassed when I was going through divorce with my first husband, especially when no one else around me has done that before. But once you're out of the situation and have a good start on your new life, you'll be glad you've done the right thing.
08/04/2011
AAAToyGirl AAAToyGirl
Thank you all. I really appreciate the replies. It's nice to have people to talk to.
08/04/2011
JessCee JessCee
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
"I don't want everyone to know that everything is failing"

Get out of that mindset. You did not fail. I did that to myself for a good year before I left my ex, thinking people would see me as a failure, a quitter, that we ...
AMEN!
08/04/2011
Illusional Illusional
Quote:
Originally posted by AAAToyGirl
Thank you all. I really appreciate the replies. It's nice to have people to talk to.
*Hugs* Do what's best for you.
08/04/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Rossie
Just make sure your family law lawyer gets everything down on paper, take the car and leave when the timing is appropriate. You shouldn't worry about how he goes around without a car. He might only want a new car now, but when reality hits, ...
Rossie (and Sapphire and Tori and JR and Chili and everybody else) makes a good point.

Too f*cking bad if he doesn't "want" a used car. I'm a good sight older than he is (I'm guessing) and I've never had a new car in my life. Ever! When things are tough, you drive what you can afford or take public transport. The judge isn't going to listen to people who "don't want to" pay alimony or their debts. He can be forced to by the court and if he misses payments they will take it out of his paycheck in most states.

Again, a lawyer is your best friend here. You need to know the rules so things go well in court for you. Do what you can to talk to a lawyer now.

Good luck. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.

Things will get better, but you need to take care of YOU now.

I agree, YOU are not "failing." But, please please keep the details off of Facebook and other forms of social networking that can be traced to you. More than 80% of divorces now have one or both parties using FB posts as evidence etc. If you want to talk to friends, know who you can trust and keep things general and DO NOT diss him in public, or on the net. He could use things against you, and he sounds like the kind who would. But, YOU have not "failed." His cheating is HIS fault and no one elses.
08/04/2011
AAAToyGirl AAAToyGirl
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Rossie (and Sapphire and Tori and JR and Chili and everybody else) makes a good point.

Too f*cking bad if he doesn't "want" a used car. I'm a good sight older than he is (I'm guessing) and I've never had a new car in ...
Thank you. I have a lawyer, but I don't think this will go to court. Despite everything, he seems to agree to all of the arrangements. He honestly feels terrible for everything, and he wants me to get back on my feet and do well in life. Another reason he is cooperating, is that he doesn't want to incur a pile of debt in legal fees. He's agreed to go into the lawyer and sign all of the agreements.
08/04/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by AAAToyGirl
Thank you. I have a lawyer, but I don't think this will go to court. Despite everything, he seems to agree to all of the arrangements. He honestly feels terrible for everything, and he wants me to get back on my feet and do well in life. Another ...
Divorces where there is little or no property and no kids can be dealt with with mediation alone. But, still, I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him. Don't let him get all, "Oh, I just care about you being OK." Because you know he's manipulative and what he is capable of.

One more piece of advice (I'm not a lawyer and have never been divorced, but I've seen a lot of friends and relations though the process) DO NOT share a lawyer. It's asking to be robbed.

Good luck, honey.
08/04/2011
js250 js250
I do not know the legalities, however, I am going to try to give some options that I would do.

Sell your car, use the money to pay whatever loan is on it, and buy two used cheap vehicles. Then leave immediately.

Leave him the car and;
a. rent one, go where there is a bus system or move in with a roommate (you found previous to leaving). If the car is paid for, who cares. You can get another one later.

b. Go to a safe house or woman's shelter. Let them help you.

Always remember, you CAN make it on your own without his alimony. It will just take a bit more creativity. You ARE strong enough! and possessions don't mean anything without you own peace of mind. Confidence can be rebuilt.

I have been exactly where you are now. Please feel free to email me if you need a friend to talk to. I understand, will not judge you and will help as much as I can. My heart and prayers are with you. Good luck!!

js250
08/05/2011
GravyCakes GravyCakes
he can get his own car.
08/05/2011
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