New To Poly

TboyTy TboyTy
I'm in an interesting situation and looking for advice.

I've been around poly people/groups for a while now and have never gotten involved due to lack of attraction. Recently I met a couple who identify as poly but do not have a third that they share, just others outside that relationship. I am quite taken with one of them and it is known to both. They are both OK with this and open to the idea. The catch is that we have become friends. I don't want to pass up what may be an opportunity for a great partner but I know very little of the do's/don't(s) when getting involved with more complicated relationships like this.

Outside of the obvious need for very open communication what else would be good to know going in? What pitfalls or mistakes have you made along the way to establishing healthy poly relationships and how would you avoid them or handle them differently?
01/28/2011
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VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Forming a poly relationship is like that of forming a monogamous relationship, just with two people. You need to be friends with them first to make sure that you are a fit to their lifestyle and, in general, their life. When you become a part of a poly situation, you are getting involved with two people, not just one. You may not be sexually involved with both partners, but there is a level of commitment, trust, and respect that is developed over time.

One mistake is jealousy. If you involve yourself in a poly relationship, you cannot really be jealous of either person giving the other attention either to each other or to someone else. Some poly situation aren't triads and have more than just three people involved. It depends on the people and the situation.

You have to keep an open mind and be trusting. If you don't trust your partners, it won't work.

That's just my .02 from experience. I hope this helps!
01/28/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
Forming a poly relationship is like that of forming a monogamous relationship, just with two people. You need to be friends with them first to make sure that you are a fit to their lifestyle and, in general, their life. When you become a part of a ... More
Fabulous advice VieuxCarre! I would add that you need LOTS of sit down with them both time to build the relationship that fits ALL of you. A deep friendship is amazing if you aren't going to be sexual with the other partner. You need to understand that these two are going to get angry with each other and might even wonder whether it is worth staying together, for a triad to work it needs to be an all or nothing proposition so it falls on the third to weather these storms and allow the other two to work out their problems. Support the love they share and it allows each of them to support the relationship you have with each of them....if that makes sense.

In our relationship I know I can go to either Sigel or Arch and talk about the other one and they will offer loving suggestions and remind me gently that I do love whomever I am currently frustrated with and that we can work it out. They each know that the other guy isn't looking to freeze them out or 'steal' me away.

Understand that this may or may not work out for you guys...there are no guarrantees with any relationship be it monogamous or polyamorous. Above all HAVE FUN! If it isn't fun it's not worth doing!
01/31/2011
TboyTy TboyTy
Thanks Y'all. After reading the advice it seems like common sense, common courtesy, and communication are all key. You know... the things we should (but often forget) to use every day lol. It seems as though if I intend to get involved with the one, it will require getting to know the other much better.

Just because I like to be prepared, if things start to get tense at what point to I withdraw myself from the situation in order to save the relationship the two of them already have? And how would things best be handled once you've gotten involved and possibly fallen for the one and the other relationship begins to fall apart? Do you gracefully step out even though you may be in love or do you "weather the storm" as Airen so gracefully put it?
02/03/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by TboyTy
Thanks Y'all. After reading the advice it seems like common sense, common courtesy, and communication are all key. You know... the things we should (but often forget) to use every day lol. It seems as though if I intend to get involved with the ... More
You withdraw when the situation doesn't concern you. Practice this from the very beginning. Be a good listener but refrain from offering advice unless the situation directly involves you or affects you.

For instance if my husband and I are arguing about housework, since our life partner doesn't live in the house with us yet he stays out of it and just says that he knows we will work it out.

If, however, we are arguing because I feel my husband shouldn't be spending time with his current playmates our lifepartner will step in and mediate because that could potentially cause problems between himself and Sigel. They both share my time and so things like time sharing directly involve our life partner.

Since we are co-parenting three children issues that come up witht he kids are also times when we all three talk.

Basically, resist the urge to take sides or offer advice that might anger one or the other party unless the situation warrants it. You don't want a loved one feeling like both their partners are 'ganging up' on them, again unless the situation demands direct action. If you can stay out of their personal space while asking each of them to do the same it'll work with much less friction.

I ever get between my guys and I don't allow them to get between me and whomever I am having issues with. When you have a triad you have 4 relationships you have to build, for example: Sigle and I, Arch and I, Sigel and Arch, all three of us. Add in more people or cildren and you can see how important minding boundaries becomes.

Just be honest and try to use rational thought when dealing with heated issues and respect the different relationships you are building. Above all svor the laughter and good times they will bolster you when things are rough.
02/03/2011
Total posts: 5
Unique posters: 3