How to Spice up a Semi-New Marriage?

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How to Spice up a Semi-New Marriage?

sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
I've been married for almost 3 years now. Sex was good and often of course at the beginning of our marriage. Now, I seem to have no sex drive anymore, while my husband still does. I want to want sex. We now have sex like once a week, and sometimes, I just make myself do it, to please my husband. I want to be able to enjoy it more myself.

We've tried many things. Making out gets boring for me after a while. Playing with ourselves before hand helps me, but my husband gets bored with that. We watch porn, but unless it's something different, it doesn't excite me too quickly.

Anyone have any suggestions?
07/28/2010
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Sir Sir
I suggest a date night with a vibe in your underwear that he can control. It's a little something to "spice it up," and not go overboard or move too far out of the comfort zone. It will tease you enough to maybe get you in the mood, hopefully.

NuMe has a great store for just this: link that you can check out, see what you're interested in. Maybe a nice massage with some stones beforehand and a vibe between your legs the entire time would be good, too.
07/28/2010
NuMe NuMe
First of all...Sir you are so sweet to think of my store for this.

Shannon, Get creative. Get your mind thinking of fun ways to spice it up. A woman's sex drive is in her brain. That's why it takes you longer to warm up. I've written many articles for EdenCafe about things I have done. Try planning out a date night at home as Sir suggested. Think days ahead, what to wear, music, food, toys. Other possibilities are sex on a beach or in a park late at night. Going to a club or even the grocery store with a little remote control vibe in your panties, hubby gets the remote of course. There are also some fun sex games on EF. I've reviewed a couple and Mistress Kay has reviewed several. And last but not least, read interesting ways to have fun in the forums.

Basically, the more you think about sex and ways to excite your husband, the more excited you will get. It will perpetuate itself like a snowball effect and you might just find you can't keep your hands off of him.
07/28/2010
Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by sexysweetieshan
I've been married for almost 3 years now. Sex was good and often of course at the beginning of our marriage. Now, I seem to have no sex drive anymore, while my husband still does. I want to want sex. We now have sex like once a week, and ...
I am starting to wonder if a slump around this time is normal. My husband and I had a slump about three years into our marriage too! Good news is that now we've been married almost 7 and our sex life is hotter than ever!

Let's see...around this time we started with our fantasies I think. We started sharing with each other what our fantasies were and we had some very surprising ones that the other did not know we had! So, that was pretty hot. We never were much into role play..but we'd bring the fantasies into our dirty talk..which was really hot and made for some awesome sex. The only fantasy that we really acted out was control. I wanted to be controlled and so he would do that for me.

This is also about the time that we started with some toys. We tried some toys that could be used together and were different and new for us. About this time there was also a show on I think it was cinemax or something, that was all about couples who were in sexual ruts. It was great for us to watch together because we realized that this happens and that it wasn't saying that there was an issue with us. We also learned a lot of tips from the show. We learned some new positions that made sex a lot hotter for us. So, that's another suggestion, experiment with new positions. Not just for sex but for foreplay too. My favorite one from the show was called the "prop and flop". You prop up some pillows and then the woman lays against them. Then the guy straddles the woman and she gives him oral. I suppose it could work the other way around too. Anyway, this was awesome because it gave him control to thrust into me which I love, it gave me a better view and it was something new than the same old, same old.
07/28/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
If you are suddenly experiencing a libido drop off it could be hormonal as well. You could start adding things like pumpkin seeds to your diet to up the amount of sexy hormones in your body. If it is really troublesome then a trip to the doctor might not be out of the question just to be sure you don't have hypothyroidism or other type of problem. One of the first indications I needed thryoid support was a complete disinterest, but desire for interest in sex. I wanted to wat sex but couldn't...and I would become bored or have trouble achieving orgasm. When my thyroid levels got to within normal range I found my libido returned.
08/15/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
If you are suddenly experiencing a libido drop off it could be hormonal as well. You could start adding things like pumpkin seeds to your diet to up the amount of sexy hormones in your body. If it is really troublesome then a trip to the doctor might ...
That's a very good suggestion, because yes I want to want sex, but most of the time I just have sex to please my husband. I don't seem to want it a whole lot anymore. This site has definitely helped though with all this advice and toys to spice up my marriage!
08/15/2010
PassionQT PassionQT
Quote:
Originally posted by sexysweetieshan
I've been married for almost 3 years now. Sex was good and often of course at the beginning of our marriage. Now, I seem to have no sex drive anymore, while my husband still does. I want to want sex. We now have sex like once a week, and ...
First of all, don't beat yourself up over it too much. This slump is normal in many relationships! And because a man's sex drive is usually more active than a woman's to begin with, it's only natural that he is going to want it more. A dear friend of mine said he's hit the slump with his GF after 3 months. I told him there could be something else wrong.

I'll be honest, I'm 39 with 3 kids and my libido has dropped considerably, to the point where I'm content with good sex once or twice a month. I'm sure he wouldn't mind it more, but we make due. I'm either horny, or I'm not, so we just try to base it around those few times. It's my reality. And we just celebrated 14 years of marriage, and to top it off, I just had major surgery on my lady parts, so it's going to be a few months before I get my groove back, what little I had. Turns out I had some endometriosis too, which has made sex uncomfortable. I'm not sure if it affects libido though, other than the pain of it being a complete turn off.


A healthy relationship cannot be measured on the frequency of sex alone. There are so many other factors that make it fulfilling: commitment, communication, honesty, laughter, etc..

Try not to think about it too much. I know it's hard not to, but try, and maybe it will just sneak out of nowhere. Mine usually hits me around 3pm, the worst timing ever, but we've pulled off a few quickies with the door locked.
08/15/2010
Envy Envy
If it's a sudden thing or really feels out of the norm, I don't see the harm in seeing your OBGYN to get checked and maybe have your hormones tested.

It could also help to alleviate stress levels, change your diet, and get more sleep.
08/15/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Quote:
Originally posted by PassionQT
First of all, don't beat yourself up over it too much. This slump is normal in many relationships! And because a man's sex drive is usually more active than a woman's to begin with, it's only natural that he is going to want it more. ...
Thanks for the suggestions! I know relationships are not all based on sex. I completely agree. That was just the part I worry about the most, because the other areas of the marriage are doing great!
08/16/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Quote:
Originally posted by Envy
If it's a sudden thing or really feels out of the norm, I don't see the harm in seeing your OBGYN to get checked and maybe have your hormones tested.

It could also help to alleviate stress levels, change your diet, and get more sleep.
Yes, I'm definitely stressed, don't eat right, and don't get enough sleep. If it will help me out, then maybe I should try to change some of those things.
08/16/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
I am starting to wonder if a slump around this time is normal. My husband and I had a slump about three years into our marriage too! Good news is that now we've been married almost 7 and our sex life is hotter than ever!

Let's ...
That's good to know Alicia. We're not quite at the 3 year mark but have been struggling with this for probably the past half year to a year. I think we're finally starting to pull out of it somewhat though. It's always good to hear that you're not in it alone.
08/16/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by sexysweetieshan
Yes, I'm definitely stressed, don't eat right, and don't get enough sleep. If it will help me out, then maybe I should try to change some of those things.
Yep those things will definitely effect things. My wife is in the same position as you. May I ask how often you masturbate or have an orgasm? I know for most women the more they have get orgasms the higher their drive gets. Just one thing to try. The date night thing is probably a good idea although to be honest my wife and I have a hard time keeping a consistent one. I guess a big part of it is knowing that your not alone and as long as you keep the mindset of wanting to work through you'll get there eventually. Just don't get discouraged and keep trying stuff until you figure out what works.
08/16/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
If you are suddenly experiencing a libido drop off it could be hormonal as well. You could start adding things like pumpkin seeds to your diet to up the amount of sexy hormones in your body. If it is really troublesome then a trip to the doctor might ...
Airen has some really good ideas to look into!

Also, are you taking any antidepressants, hormonal birth control, blood pressure medication, opiate pain meds or other meds? All these may cause libido problems in some people.

Also, depression itself can be linked to a decrease in sex drive in many people,

A good physical is in order. Make an appointment with your doctor (either Internist or OBGYN) and make sure they do all the pertinent tests, even being anemic can cause sex drive problems. Let your doctor KNOW your sex drive is lagging. A good doctor will take this seriously and do everything he can to help you.
08/16/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Quote:
Originally posted by Brian
Yep those things will definitely effect things. My wife is in the same position as you. May I ask how often you masturbate or have an orgasm? I know for most women the more they have get orgasms the higher their drive gets. Just one thing to try. The ...
For the past year or so, I've only masturbated about once a week, with anywhere from 1-4 orgasms in that one time period.
08/17/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Airen has some really good ideas to look into!

Also, are you taking any antidepressants, hormonal birth control, blood pressure medication, opiate pain meds or other meds? All these may cause libido problems in some people.

Also, ...
Yes, I take birth control, which I thought was the problem. I'm not taking antidepressants, but because of current situations right now, I am somewhat depressed. Things seem to be getting a little better. This site is definitely helping out with all the tips and advice and all the toys of course! I definitely have been thinking about sex a lot more and feeling like I want it more.
08/17/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by sexysweetieshan
Yes, I take birth control, which I thought was the problem. I'm not taking antidepressants, but because of current situations right now, I am somewhat depressed. Things seem to be getting a little better. This site is definitely helping out with ...
Good luck, keep trying. If you can change your birth control method and still feel safe, you might want to look into what else is out there, other than the Pill.

I've been with the same man for over 2 decades. We've been through this and come out the other side OK. Everybody goes through hills and valleys, the important thing is that the two of you keep on trying and loving each other, even during the rough times.
.
.
08/17/2010
PassionQT PassionQT
Quote:
Originally posted by sexysweetieshan
Yes, I take birth control, which I thought was the problem. I'm not taking antidepressants, but because of current situations right now, I am somewhat depressed. Things seem to be getting a little better. This site is definitely helping out with ...
I was taking birth control from age 18 to 26. My sex drive seemed fine during those years. FFW 13 years later, after having 3 kids and I couldn't tolerate anything synthetic anymore. It made me depressed, groggy, and killed my libido. It could be that your body has adjusted to the BC in a way that is causing your libido to drop off. I told hubby, "no wonder why they call it birth control, 'cos if you don't want to have sex, you aren't getting pregnant!"
08/17/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by PassionQT
I was taking birth control from age 18 to 26. My sex drive seemed fine during those years. FFW 13 years later, after having 3 kids and I couldn't tolerate anything synthetic anymore. It made me depressed, groggy, and killed my libido. It could ...
lol it's funny you said that cause we had an appointment with my wife's obgyn and she said the same thing that since it's "birth control" lowering sex drive actually isn't a bad thing to the drug companies. You mention not being able to stand anything synthetic. Does anybody know if there are natural real hormones options out there? I take testosterone that I get from a compound pharmacy which is real testosterone not like androgel which is a synthetic.
08/17/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Okay, so does anyone have any experience with or knowledge of hypothyroidism? I've been researching it and I have quite a few of the symptoms. However, I currently don't have any medical insurance, so I'm not sure about going to the doctor yet. Anyone know more about what it is and if it's serious and how it's treated and all that? Like from a more personal opinion?
08/20/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by sexysweetieshan
Okay, so does anyone have any experience with or knowledge of hypothyroidism? I've been researching it and I have quite a few of the symptoms. However, I currently don't have any medical insurance, so I'm not sure about going to the ...
I have studied it some since my dad has it and I thought I had it for a while but it turned out my testosterone level is low. One thing I read a lot of people mention is checking your body temperature the very minute you get up either mouth or under your arm pit. It's been about a year since I looked up but that might be a good place to get started. Mine was low and my thyroid is supposedly fine so I'm not sure how accurate it is but at least a place to start. As far as being dangerous, I've never heard of it being too dangerous I mean if you're so tired you drive off the side of the road yes but otherwise I wouldn't worry about dying from it but probably good to check it out when you get the chance. BTW I'm not sure if it's the insurance we were on that made it so cheap but we had a really high deductible insurance plan that basically didn't pay for anything under $5000 and the test itself was only like $15 but I'm not sure if that was because they still gave us an insurance discount. If you could somehow get it tested without having to have a full exam you might be able to do it pretty cheap. Probably calling around to ask how much it would be to get it checked is your best bet. Best of luck to you. I'll be watching this posts to see what happens.
08/20/2010
SexyySarah SexyySarah
You said playing with yourself helps you but bores him, why not try masturbating before he comes home and all day think about sex or watch porn and be ready when he comes home. This helps me sometimes. Also, you could try dressing in something sexy, even if you don't feel like it sometimes just feeling sexy helps.
08/20/2010
ScottA ScottA
Quote:
Originally posted by SexyySarah
You said playing with yourself helps you but bores him, why not try masturbating before he comes home and all day think about sex or watch porn and be ready when he comes home. This helps me sometimes. Also, you could try dressing in something ...
Porn could be an issue, so I'm not sure about a blanket recommendation. Fantasy can be good, you could even write some sex stories about you and your husband and pick one to enact.
08/20/2010
Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
Quote:
Originally posted by sexysweetieshan
Okay, so does anyone have any experience with or knowledge of hypothyroidism? I've been researching it and I have quite a few of the symptoms. However, I currently don't have any medical insurance, so I'm not sure about going to the ...
Sexysweetieshan,

Yes, untreated hypothyroidism is dangerous -- again, that is, IF it remains untreated.

The thyroid impacts the metabolism of every single living cell of your body. Left untreated, hypothyroidism can eventually result in dementia (not to mention several other serious diseases) because a lack of thyroid hormones damages cells in the body, including the neurons.

Common symptoms are sluggishness, dry hair and skin, weight gain, etc. link link And hypothyroidism can also cause depression, as well as lowered sex drive -- a couple of symptoms you have mentioned.

Luckily, hypothyroidism is treatable. I would make it a priority to get checked out. I have had this disorder myself for the past 15 years. You can take a daily pill to replace the hormones and it is important to see a doctor regularly to monitor your blood hormonal levels.

Hopefully there is not a physical/physiological cause for your lack of interest and that you are just bored and in a mental slump. But it is much, much better to be safe than sorry. First rule out whether or not there is a physical basis for your symptoms and then go from there. Your health (and your happiness) are simply too important NOT to get this checked out. Regarding financial assistance and lack of insurance: many communities have sliding scale clinics for people who do not have insurance. I found one in our community by making several phone calls and asking for help.

Best wishes as you get this checked out.
08/20/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Quote:
Originally posted by Brian
I have studied it some since my dad has it and I thought I had it for a while but it turned out my testosterone level is low. One thing I read a lot of people mention is checking your body temperature the very minute you get up either mouth or under ...
Thanks for the input. I may have to call around and see if I can get it checked out.
08/21/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Quote:
Originally posted by Selective Sensualist
Sexysweetieshan,

Yes, untreated hypothyroidism is dangerous -- again, that is, IF it remains untreated.

The thyroid impacts the metabolism of every single living cell of your body. Left untreated, hypothyroidism can eventually result ...
Thanks for all your information and suggestions. I'll start checking around about getting it checked out.
08/21/2010
jennydanger jennydanger
I agree with what everyone else has said, especially about just not thinking and stressing about it. You cant 'force' it even if you try. Its ok, too, to not be horny all the time or have lots of sex. Being anxious about it can also have a negative effect.

Emotions, stress, exhaustion all play a part in a womans ability to get in the mood or even tap into those feelings.

One thing i believe no one has mentioned is excercise. If you dont already, start. Not only do you get the health benefits, but its a good way to pamper yourself, de-stress, and its a proven way to boost libido. I love going to the gym, and I am definitely waaaay more horny when i go faithfully vs. when i dont.
08/21/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Quote:
Originally posted by jennydanger
I agree with what everyone else has said, especially about just not thinking and stressing about it. You cant 'force' it even if you try. Its ok, too, to not be horny all the time or have lots of sex. Being anxious about it can also have a ...
I've heard that exercise helps, that's just funny to hear. I don't know. Just doesn't seem like it would work. I need the exercis though, so I need to start doing it for health reasons too.
08/22/2010
jennydanger jennydanger
Excercise helps because it get your endorphins going, you blood pumping more [to important places], you have increased energy, and you are physically more fit from it. And these benefits dont take time to show up either. Its an immediate high. Plus, I think almost anyone will feel sexier from having worked out. I dont know all the scientific stuff behind it, like which chemicals get a boost and whatnot, I just know its true. So give it a try for a while. Even if its just a good brisk walk to begin with. And there is something about having that activity in the morning that sets the tone for the day. Im interested to see what your results will be.
08/22/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Quote:
Originally posted by jennydanger
Excercise helps because it get your endorphins going, you blood pumping more [to important places], you have increased energy, and you are physically more fit from it. And these benefits dont take time to show up either. Its an immediate high. Plus, ...
I'm going through a pretty busy and stressful time right now, but as soon as I can, I plan on starting a workout schedule type thing or something.
08/23/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by sexysweetieshan
Thanks for all your information and suggestions. I'll start checking around about getting it checked out.
Most Planned Parenthood Clinics will do physicals on a sliding scale. Looking to PP may be a good idea. I know our oldest child moved out, and could no longer be on our insurance (before the new rules changed) and she got at least basic medical care, as well as BC from Planned Parenthood.
08/23/2010
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