Ducky Doolittle, an Author, Speaker, Educator, and Activist, has spent the last 23 years being on the forefront of sexual education. Why did she decide to become a sex educator? How did she come up with the title and content for her book? What does she plan on doing next?
More than two decades ago Ducky started her career working at a sex shop in New York City’s rough Times Square district. An organic path that started as a temporary job to make ends meet developed into a career she loves.
Like Ducky says, “The experience of answering people’s questions is like sex ed improv. A person steps up or writes, and I have no idea what they are going to ask. Sex ed & toys are not just about pleasure - they became teaching tools. A great way to help people learn about pleasure anatomy, diversity, politics and even business. A titillating gateway!”
Today Ducky is a Sex Educator, teaching at colleges, public and private events, and by writing books and blogging. She is also a certified Sexual Assault & Violence Intervention Counselor. Ducky trained with Planned Parenthood in comprehensive STD prevention and medically accurate sex education. She was also awarded a fellowship with the New York Foundation for the Arts in the category of non-fiction literature.
What are some of the most-frequently asked questions Ducky receives? How have her views of sexuality changed in the last 23 years? How does she stay organized while handling so many projects? Find out the answers to your questions in this Interview! Please join us in welcoming Ducky Doolittle to Community Interview!
You've done a lot of workshops and educational meetings, is there one that stands out to you most? What happened at that session?You know, no one has ever asked me this question. Thanks. In truth I have done SO MANY presentations, workshops and appearances. I think what I really love is what they teach me as a whole.
For example teaching sex at a liberal art college is very very different from teaching at a technical college or trade school. I live being fluid enough to meet my audience where they live.
Liberal arts schools have all sort of health service, resource centers and peer educators. Many of the students have a real sense that sex knowledge is a right and they are entitled to study sex. I find some very sophisticated sexual thinkers in those student bodies.
Mean while a tech school will have limited resources, often no health service and students have little sense of entitlement. On stage I find I have a lot of shock appeal because theses student bodies are not encouraged to philosophize around sex in an academic way. It's fun in a different way.
Ultimately I feel this is a class issue. A tech school will have lower income students. Often they have no dorms and serve a student body that still lives with their family and/or has an intense work schedule to balance with their studies. They don't even have the benefits of socializing with fellow students in the same was one would in another kind of school. And I am a person of poverty class, so I relate really well with the tech students. I thrive on fueling their curiosity and teaching them that sex education is a right, not a luxury.
What I am saying is that, the benefit of teaching all these years and to a plethora of audiences has turned into an awesome and informal sociological study. I feel like there is still so much to learn.
Antipova (host): "Any thought of writing a book on what you've learned---maybe in the far future? I know I'd be fascinated to read it, you bring up a lot of interesting factors here."
What are you feelings on sex education in public schools? Do you think it's more middle-school or high-school appropriate? And do you think it should be mandatory or an elective?Personally I believe it's a parents responsibility to educator their children around issues of sexuality. I may not agree with what every parent feels, believes or teaches, but it's their child to raise in their belief system.
I also believe both middles schools and high schools should offer age appropriate sex education on an opt-in basis.
All of this totally idealistic because was dealing with issues of culture, religion, class... If it were so simple, we'd have solved this issue by now.
I love the "Not in your butt" video. Any more of them out there?
Not in your butt videoAwww... thanks.
That's a funny video, but I'll tell you... one of the reasons I went head first into sex ed was because of how frustrated I am that someone would actually stick a potato in their butt! Yes, a person can find pleasure in their ass if they like. But there are BEAUTIFUL SAFE toys in this world that are carefully designed to get you there. Please, I implore you, not to put some household trinket in your bits!
Anyway.. you got me all fired up. I have made and will make more youtube videos. I don't always leave them up forever. I really am a catch-me-while-you-can sort of girl.
Antipova (host): "That video was my introduction to you your work too---hilarious and eye-opening! I'm sure we're all going to have to stay on our toes to catch more of your wit!"
What is the most frequently asked question from audiences at your college seminars?The number one question I get from any audience is "How can I orgasm from penetration alone?"
This question comes from straight females. And is a direct result of people believing that the definition of "sex" is penetration. And that if a female does not orgasm from penetration alone, that there is something wrong with her body or that she has not achieved her full potential.
In truth sex is not penetration. Penetration is merely one sex ACT.
Sex is also flirting, fingers, kissing, toys, saucy text messages, laying on your lawn with your lover and looking at the stars... sex is a way of being and living... which sex acts you choose to engage in and how your body responds... now that should can be as vast as the population on earth.
So I tell them to just play. To find orgasms in the way that fulfills their bodies needs and screw those antiquated ideas that a woman should/can/must orgasm from penetration alone. It does not mean penetration does not feel good. But it does mean that she cal use her fingers, her lovers fingers, toys, etc...
What has been your favorite place to have spoken at? Why was it your favorite?Oh wow. It's so hard to pick just one!
I loved presenting for the Catholic women's organization. They invited me to do a basic Q&A. About a month before the event, it was promoted in some printed and online newsletters. It really ruffled the feather of some people. The women's organization was told to cancel the event. People protested in person and through a letter writing campaign to the Archdiocese of New York.
The protesters talked about me like I was the devil himself. And I had no problem with that. Protest, get angry, talk all you want. It will not stop me.
But the beautiful thing? This group of women knew it was their right to have this honest conversation about sexuality. They refused to cancel the event. I love how committed they were to both their religion and their rights, despite it all. We did however have the event at a secret location to avoid any disruption.
Antipova (host): "Stories of people who are able to 'keep their heads about them' when facing pressure (especially from such a large and organized source as the Catholic church, and *especially* so when they're members themselves) are always inspiring. Yay women's organization, and yay Ducky!"
In your workshops---from everywhere from liberal arts colleges to trade schools to bachelorette parties---what do you use for props? Any eye-catchers that help get your points across?My main tool is a set of anatomy charts that I had custom drawn to meet my needs. Pleasure anatomy is so beautiful to me and LOVE to show people how it all works in tandem and how to get the most out of their bodies.
My absolute favorite prop after my charts is my VIP.
I often bring a kit of demo toys to help me illustrate things as well. I love to show them the difference between toys. Two things that look very similar will often deliver very different experiences. Or why one items is safer than another. Toys have always been teaching tools for me.
Antipova (host): "I feel like the VIP gets overlooked---but it's my favorite silicone toy, full stop! I hope you have one that's a speech prop and another in your nightstand."
Your plate is full! How do you handle so much?Oh geeez... well... Doing what I do is not as glamorous as it may look. I work some insane hours. The majority of my time is spent managing details, phone calls, contracts and the like. I just try to balance that with self care. Being in the business of helping people find joy in their bodies means I have to do the same for myself. This way I can retain my integrity on stage and in my words.
Antipova (host): "Your sincerity and integrity show, too."
What has been your favorite part of the last 23 years as a sexual educator?Growth. Honestly I stumbled into this career. I never intended on doing it for this long. I think what keeps me working in the field is that I never ever stop learning. Sexuality is as diverse as the individual in front of me. I feel like there is potential to learn with each person I meet. That keeps me engaged and happy.
You seem to enjoy all the different aspects of your work, but is there something that you enjoy the most, i.e. lecturing, or writing or something of the sort? Thanks.I am a writer. Everything else I do to support my love of writing. Actually I write about more than just sex, but my sexuality writing has been my most popular to date. If you read my blog (linked the right) you'll be able to read some of my non-fiction stories.
With all of the sexual education that you teach others, how do you keep sex from feeling like work?I guard my sex life. I keep it very private. Yes, I have a few stories that I do share and some hints to my proclivities, but I am careful. This keeps my work and my sex life in two separate categories in my mind. It also helps me serve my audiences well and to keep my integrity on stage. If my sex life is not good, I think I would feel like a farce on stage. I believe one of the reasons audiences connect with me is because they can feel my sincerity.
Antipova (host): "This makes a lot of sense! Did it take you a while to realize you needed to keep your personal life unassailed by your work life, or was that just the way you were from the beginning?"
I noticed someone asked what you would teach your daughter about sex and the first thing I thought was, how would you educate your son, and how would the two differ?This topic is not one of my specialties. I take great pride in the fact that I teach adults about sex. And happily many of those adults are also parents. I depend on them to take what ever messages they deem appropriate home to their children. Beyond that, I am very reserved about sex ed and children. I also don't have any children myself.
I do how ever have a niece who is extremely important to me. She is so young that she is not even in school yet. But I have already coached her mom (my sister) into having age appropriate books in the home. I think that is one of the most import things parents can do. Even if you don't have the language, ability or desire to have a conversation, I guarantee the children and young adults in your home will use those books to learn and as a point of reference when a question comes up.
As for the difference in teaching boys vs. girls? I'd image it's relative to the child in front of you. But I'd love to hear some parents chime in on that question.
Based on this question and a few other posted here... I just uploaded an article and book recommendation on my blog. The post is called "How to Talk to Your Kids about Sex." lipstickstainsonyourpillow.com
Antipova (host): "This seems like a really healthy and admirable approach---letting parents make the calls about how to educate their children.
And keeping books on hand is a good idea too! Do you have any favorites to suggest to any parents reading this?"
I was wondering what exactly are some different things you teach in sex ed? Anything different that most sex educators teach? What is your approach?One thing I love about sex educators is that each of us will have a unique voice. You can go to an oral sex workshop on three different night, with three different educators and walk away from each one with very different feelings, chunks of information, etc...
It's just like any other kind of educator. Some college professors rock and other will drive you to read more and another might put you to sleep. But when you fin an educator that you relate to, that inspires you... that is the key. I almost thing content is secondary to that.
I do teach the "nuts & bolts." Like female orgasms, oral sex, etc... I also have a workshop on instincts and sex drive, i teach the art and nature of being sexy, and I teach sex for survivors of trauma - be it physical, emotional, medical...
My presentations are modified to fit the audience in front of me. A couple things you can always expect from me is that all of my workshops are inclusive of all genders, all orientations and packed with a healthy dose of humor so you can swallow it all down.
I remember reading your amazing story about kegeling so much that you had a spontaneous orgasm in the women's room. I'm so impressed! Can you tell me what your kegel routine is now and if there's a way for others to others to achieve spontaneous orgasms through kegeling?Awww... thanks!
Now I have no routine. Except that I use them a lot. I am very engaged with my muscles during sex play and for me that's enough to keep them strong. People don't realize that every bout of play, be it alone or with a partner, strengthens the pelvic muscles.
You can find articles online that outline how to kegel exercises. And using toys built for kegel strengthening will help you get there faster. Without the toys, when you first start doing them they are totally annoying. But the more you do it, the easier it becomes, so don't give up! Eventually you will not need to do them either.
Antipova (host): "Are spontaneous orgasms an outcome that can be expected by many women?"
Do you miss doing peepshows?Nope. I was a poverty class sex worker and very young woman. If I had any other options but to work the peepshows at that moment, I would have taken them. I don't regret it, but I also don't glamorize it.
Antipova (host): "How practical!"
I have read more than once recently there is still argument about every woman having a G-spot. Is it possible some of us really don't have one? What's your opinion?Every woman has a G spot. Absolutely. It is the tissue that surrounds the urethra and is full of erectile and glandular issue.
Here's the thing tho... Not everyone responds the same way to G spot sensation. For example If you lined up 3 women, they all need to be somewhat sexually excited because we are talking about erectile tissue. So maybe they have been making out, playing with a toy or whatever... You use your fingers or a G spotting toy on the first woman. She may respond positively instantly. Her G spot is obvious.
The second woman is in the same state of arousal. Stimulate her and she may like, "Whatever. You can do that all day, I don't feel a thing."
The third woman, in the same state of arousal, may find the sensation down right irritating.
All of those responses are valid and normal. There is no one way a woman should respond to G spot sensation. I always compare the G spot to our feet. Some people can sit down and have their feet rubbed for an HOUR. And they long it. Other people are like, Don't touch my feet!" There is no single, definitive way a person is supposed to respond to any sensation.
And know that a woman's response can change, too. I often hear of women who find G spot pleasure after they have had children, or when they find a partner that fits their needs.
So use your fingers, try a toy... explore. But remember when it comes to the size, shape or response of your body... not to compare yourself to anyone else. You are prefect.
P.S. Those arguments about the G spot usually come from scientist who are looking to gain recognition to sell a book or become published. Controversy breeds interest. I say screw 'em. Know your body. Know your lover's body. And just get it on.
What would you say is probably the most bizare question someone has ever asked you?No question is bizarre to me. As long as it's honest.
Antipova (host): "Awesome answer."
So nice to see you on EF! Hopefully one day soon we'll finally be in the same place at the same time.
This is not so much a question, more of a request I think; being that there are products already created by various Sex Educators (Tristan Taormino for Vixen Creations, the Sue Johanson line etc), I'd love to see a line that has been created or designed by Ducky Doolittle. Any chance that could be a possibility?Nice to see you here too Kara!
I am totally open to the idea. Perhaps one day.
Antipova (host): "And for people who don't want to wait for 'one day,' there's always the (not endorsed by Ducky in any way) "I Rub My Ducky" line ;)"
You answered a question about teaching sex ed to your son or daughter already, but what about foster kids and homeless kids on the street?
Love you Ducky.Well... Metis thank you for asking this question.
You know very very well... but many people probably don't know that I grew up in foster homes and was homeless as a youth. I wish I had an easy answer for who should and how these kids should be cared for. I do however do sex ed with a homeless youth drop-in center here in NYC.
I have a strict policy for keeping my materials for the 18 and older set, but this is my one exception. These kids need me. So I am there for them. But you know... homeless youth need lots of things. No matter what you do for a living, we can all help. There are drop in centers for youth all over country. They often need people to cook, do knitting or yoga classes, drop off cute clothes (homeless kids like to look cute too) and needs like tampons, new socks and underwear of various sizes.
Antipova (host): "Wow---great for you for giving back! I'll have to see if I can find a drop in center to cook for in my area."
I giggle every time I read, write or say your name. Is Ducky a pet name, stage name, given name? How did "Ducky" come about?People often ask if it's my real name. To that I say, "Write me a check. Let's see if I can cash it."
It's a pen name that I created when I was a younger writer. I was unsure of myself and was not sure I'd want to take responsibility for my work. It has been nice to grow to be proud of who I am and what I do. In the mean time, I grew real fond of the name, as has my audience, and so the name stuck. I also like that my name fun and is very memorable. It suits my style.
Antipova (host): "Great choice :) It's awesome when something chosen on a whim in youth turns out to be even more appropriate later on."
What's your definition of the word 'sexy'?Sexy is a feeling. You can possess it inside yourself. You can inspire others to feel it. And others can inspire you to feel it. I do not believe sexy is a car, a lipstick, a body size, a race, a gender... those things can inspire the feeling... but you don't need them to be defined as sexy. All you need to be sexy is to harness your feelings and interact with other people who have that same gift.
What suggestions do you have for building your confidence sexually?Hmmm... this is a tough question. I think my answer would usually be unique to the person asking it. But in general I'd say... strive to be healthy. And it's really important that you don't compare your body, your sexual response or the kinds of sex you like to others. It's a natural things to do, but your sexuality is unique to you. Live shame-free because you are beautiful. If you appreciate yourself for your own beauty, then others will too.
When you were younger, was this career path anything you could have seen yourself doing? When you were younger, what did you want to do?Honestly, when you are an orphan like myself - one of the hardest things is that no one has any expectations for you. In turn you have none for yourself. At 18, a huge percentage of kids in the system are just turned out to fend for themselves.
The friends I had were of a similar ilk. By my late teens, many of my friends had either gone to prison, the military or had died. And I am not being dramatic when I say that. So just escaping those fates was a success for me.
All of this led to me being a very live for today sort of person, with no long term plans. This life just sort of happened to me. I'm blessed.
Antipova (host): "Congratulations on defying the odds, and it's good luck for all of us that you've become what you have."
What's the most difficult part of being a Sexual Assault & Violence Intervention Counselor?Probably the recognition that sexual assaults and intimate partner violence will always be a problem in the world. Raising awareness and talking openly does change things... but the people who commit these crimes are individuals, not society as a whole. So as one person becomes aware, there is are more individuals coming up in the world who need educating. It's a cycle that we will always have to actively address.
completely off topic...do you prefer dogs or cats?Dogs.
After a long day what do you do to relax?I watch a lot of films and laugh around with friends.
Do you regret any decisions that you have made?Nope. What's done is done. You can't undo it. I have learned from some of my experiences. And I try not to make the same mistake twice. Beyond that I try to live in the moment and balance that out with some foresight. But I am as imperfect as anyone. I assure you.
If you weren't doing this, what would your career be? (Thankfully you're not because I love your work but still!)I'd be a linguistic anthropologist. I love how language can change to world.
Antipova (host): "This is a neat field, and I've loved everything about it I've come into contact with---but maybe you should take up "Linguistic Anthropology Education" as a hobby---linguistics doesn't get the exposure and interest it deserves!"
Do you have a few favorite sex toys yourself? What do you keep in your nightstand?Of course! I think lube is an essential. It protects the skin and makes for longer, hotter bouts of sex. I love the Hitachi Magic Wand, but recently killed mine. (Help!) I am a big fan the Tantus line of toys. Non-toxic, easy to clean and well designed. I have a bunch of them in my toys box. My favorite (right now) is the Acute. My toy box is no small thing. It takes a pretty bad ass toy to make it into the mix.
Antipova (host): "Then you've got a lot in common with a lot of us on Eden!"
As a full time college student, I'm wondering what you say during your college talks? I'm wondering if I can attend one in the futureAwww... thanks for asking. The available programs are listed on my website. And it's so easy to get me onto your campus. If you are a student and want me... just send me an email... Together we can make it happen.
Hi Ducky! I was reading your blog last week and the post about the vaseline lube made me realize I'm very insulated in my job. Everyone I talk to all day is so sex smart! How do you deal with it when you have days where it seems like there is so much to teach and no way to teach it all to everyone? Assuming you have these days, of course.Oh yes... I understand!
I don't think about changing the world. I think about having an impact on individuals. Perhaps if I can reach enough individuals in my lifetime... then I can have an impact on the world.
do you consider yourself famous?Nope. I am just known. I don't want to be famous either. I just want to make a decent living.
Have you had any severe issues or backlash from parents/close-minded people when your works are published? Has it ever happened when speaking publicly?Nope. I'm a kind person, with a smart and thoughtful agenda.
I know some people have said things behind by back. I ignore them.
I have had people protest an appearance here or there. But if I get a chance to confront them in person or on the radio I usually start by asking them, "Have you read my book?" No. "Have you seen me perform?" No. "Are you coming to my performance?" No.
Then who are they to judge me? They don't even know me.
Antipova (host): "This is so sensible---I'm going to apply this to my own discussions sometimes. When did you discover this idea?"
I'm happy to read you visit tech schools---a lot of my extended family took the trade school route, and I've heard some of them say (retrospectively) they felt like there wasn't a lot of "culture" available. I didn't know trade schools had budgets for bring sex educators in---are trade schools branching out a bit more and asking for you? Or are you reaching out to trade schools and showing them that sex education can be important for their students?It would be hard for me to speak for trade schools as a whole... but the schools where I have presented have always come to me. There will usually be some progressive faculty member who sees the need and then reaches out. It's pretty awesome.
I just let the schools with larger budgets pay me more, so I can afford to present at things like tech schools, homeless youth drop-in centers and the like for little or nothing... It just takes a little creative business sense on my part.
Antipova (host): "Its so good to hear that they're reaching out to you---hooray for faculty members who really want to make a difference for their students."
For people who haven't read Sex With The Lights On yet, can you share a take-away message that'll give them something to think about on the way to the bookstore? Or do you have a quick little anecdote from the book to share?Very thoughtful question, thank you.
The most important thing to recognize is that, although my name is on the cover, thousands of people participated in the writing of "Sex with the Lights On: 200 Illuminating Sex Questions Answered."
You see, almost every time I present I pass out blank index cards so people can ask me ANYTHING they like. I like to do it this way because then the questions are anonymous - so the brave and the not-so-brave can participate equally. The insane thing is that I saved every single index card. I filed them with care according ton sex act and body parts... I just took the top 200 questions I am ever asked and used them as the foundation for the book.
This is how I function as an educator. The needs of the audience are always more important than my agenda. I have found ways to serve them well. Consequently my audience designed this book. And I love them for it.
how old were you went you decided to start writingI first remember wanting to be a writer at the age of 12. I was learning to read then and fell in love with stories, in particular the work of S.E. Hinton.
I did not actually start writing until I was 21 years old.
What is your least favorite part of your job?The huge amount of administrative work. Email, phone calls, travel booking, contracts, details, details, details... People think it's all writing and stage time. I wish!
How long have you been a certified sexual assault & violence intervention counselor? What do you find the most challenging doing this kind of work?Since 2005.
The hardest part? Listening to people judge the survivors of intimate partner violence. Saying things like, "Why doesn't she just leave him?"
Life is complex and survivors are the experts of their own situation. When a woman gets killed by her partner is is almost always after she leaves him. Staying near him may actually be saving her life in that moment.
The world needs to trust a survivor and help pull them up and out when the opportunity arises. Even if we have to give that survivor a lift a thousand times, her life and soul are worth it.
Antipova (host): "Judging people in situations that you're not in is no way to help. Thanks for that second paragraph, I hope everyone reads it!"
I think you might have told us this somewhere, but I'm gonna ask it again because we know my memory is crap.
Who taught you? Who do you credit with the wondrousness that we see before us today, full of sexy good knowledge and the drive to pass it on?I am the product of countless people's effort. From the companies I have worked with, the sex educators that I am blessed to call my friends to the multitude of learning programs I have been a part of. But more than anything... I learn from my audience... be it online or in person. They test me, teach me and demand more of me each day.
Sex education is a PRACTICE. You never master it. You practice it. Like martial arts or law or having a medical practice.
Always question anyone who claims to be an expert or at the top of their field. Look deeper to see if you can find their intent. Why are they doing what they are doing? Is it to serve people or to serve themselves? It's a very good question to ask.
HI Ducky, judging from some comments for your youtube.com videos, you must run into some negative and close-minded people at times, how do you deal with them?Being the target of negativity is the price anyone pays for being in the public eye. It's unavoidable. But I will not let their judgements stop me from doing what I love to do.
I know that kind of behavior is a manifestation of a character flaw they need to work out. Their behavior has nothing to do with me. So I don't deal with them. I refuse fuel the fires of negativity by responding. I stay close to the people who treat me well and love me. Those negative types will just move on to some other target.
Antipova (host): ""Their behavior has nothing to do with me"---Ducky I've learned a lot from you just through this interview! Thank you so much!"
How did you become so confident in your sexuality?I have not always been confident. It's been a slow growth. And periodically I need to revisit my feelings about my body, sex, life, future... just like anyone else. I work to make sure I am not running negative loops/messages about myself inside my own head. It's easy thing to do, knock yourself down. And I do not do is depend on someone else to give me my worth. They can add to my worth, but they can take any away.
What is the single most important concept you would like to impart on everyone you are educating?To listen to your instincts.
Welcome to EF and thank you for joining us. 23 years is a long time to be in the business, do you feel your style of teaching progresses over the years as you've become more educated and societies views change? How are you able to stay current and still reach the masses?Thank you.
I am ALWAYS growing as an educator. And as the world changes I do too. One thing that has worked to my advantage is that I embrace change... be it attitudes, technology... Being an educator at colleges means I have thousands of students every years... they teach me as much as I teach them.
I recently visited New York City and was in the village and noticed one of the areas that used to have sex stores disappeared and has been replaced by more conservative fashion stores, has NYCs scene changed ?The definition of New York City is change. This city has a life of it's own. For every element you may fall in love with in this city... their is someone mourning the loss of what that thing had been before it it because the thing you fell in love with. So I don't fight or complain about change. I think do so ages a person prematurely. Some of the changes are for the better... others, no so much.
How did you first come across the idea of doing bachelorette parties? That sounds like so much fun.This another one of those things... women started asking me to do them based on the workshops I had been teaching. I just LOVE them! Nothing like performing for people who are already happy and celebrating something exciting. I still do bachelorette parties, as my schedule allows.
can you masterbate to much?Yup. If you are injuring your body, like breaking skin with friction. Or if you are so obsessed with masturbating that it inhibits your ability to make it to class, work or disrupts your ability to bond well with your partner.
how can i make my puss more tighter, i have had a couple children?Exercise your kegal muscles. Just google it and you'll get loads of tips on how to do this. When you first start, these exercises are totally annoying. but the more you do them, the easier they become.
I've always been open and upfront about every aspect of sex. Everyone that I've encountered knows and have asked me questions about sex. I'm very eager to learn more and eventually be in a position to do what you do. How did you get started? Any tips how I can do what you do?I started out as a writer. I was mostly writing essays on sexual fetishes and my personal adventures. I learned so much by interviewing interesting thinkers and reading everything I could get my hand on. But this was a long time ago. Before the internet. It's was hard to find a woman who would write/talk about sex on any level. Now it's pretty common for people to blog their sex lives... So to be honest... I am not sure you could follow my path.
But start by making a list of the people in this industry who you admire. Then list what you admire about them. And finally use that list to craft a vision for what you'd like to do with your life. Then BLAMMO! You have a career plan.
Hi Ducky! I have a question regarding anal sex. I'm a twenty-two-year-old, happily single female with a very rich solo-sex life, and I absolutely adore anal play. Now, women obviously don't have a prostate to stimulate in this manner, and though I've heard the idea that anal sex is pleasurable for some women because it stimulates the rear wall of the vagina as well, I really think it goes beyond that for me; anal is its own sensation, and I appreciate it (almost) as much as I appreciate vaginal sex, but they're two very separate experiences for me. Why is it that some women love this kind of stimulation, while some simply and unequivocally do not?
What is something you don't think gets enough attention from safe sex educators?
I am sorry, I forgot my manners.
Hello Ducky Doolittle and welcome to EF!
My second question:
I come from a family with a history of sexual abuse. My mother was abused by her father and then allowed him to be around my sister and I, which eventually it happened to us. Now he is out of our lives, but I find it hard not to think that part of it is my mother's fault. This affects my relationship with her and my father, since they are still together. Is there any advice you could give me?
i have tried anal sex.. and it hurt. and i used lube .. can u please give me some advice and pointer to make it more enjoyable at the beginning..last longer..????
Hello LoveDucky! I'm not really sure what to ask you since I listened to you talk about so much awesome life stuff a few months ago in NYC at Chat Lounge. Ok. You have to pick JUST ONE sex-positive change and it will be a guaranteed change to the whole world. What is that change?
Did you ever know or get sex ed information as a child/teen? Or was this something you had to learn on your own?
I know as a teen myself I never got 'the talk' and the earliest sex ed class I had was freshman year in high school. Which was an overall more confusing experience rather than helpful. Most of my 'one' sex ed class was made up of talking about drugs and their negative effects. While this is important it seemed to muddle with my ideas of sex and drugs. Overall from that class I knew more about drugs I had no interest in experimenting with, than I did about sex/safety/anatomy.
I am 20 year old female and only last year did I discover where my urethra actually was. I had thought all my life that I peed out of somewhere near my clitoris. I feel ashamed saying this, but it was never made clear to me as a teen where my own anatomy was placed.
So, how do you feel about sex ed classes in some high schools? And do you think teens are getting the information that they need?
Can you tell us more about your new book Elusive?
What gave you the idea and inspiration to write this book?
Why did you name the book Elusive?
And how do you keep the inspiration flowing to finish your books?
How did you graduate from just working in a sex shop in Times Square to becoming a sex educator? Did you persue a college career in sexual education or did opportunities present themselves to you in other ways?
How much of an influence do you feel a fulfilling sexual life has on physical health?
I've always been pretty curious as to why women smell the way we do down there. (I know vaginas are very acidity which I think leads us to having that "smell")
I have personally noticed that my smell tends to change over the months time but I am rarely happy with the way it smells.
It's always made me pretty self conscious when it comes to letting people go down on me.
Is there anything different than I can do to change the smell that will still be healthy for my body. I've already tried changing my diet and I exercise on a regular basis. Thanks =)
Hi Ducky, Welcome to EF! You mention a marked difference in the attitudes of those in "poverty class" that attend your seminars. Do you believe that the initial shock value of your pleasure based education strategy leaves a more profound influence than the clinical vivisection typical of sex ed? Does your cultural background and personal experience make it easier to relate to every social economical class, does it help when keeping the topic relative and enthusiastic rather than uncomfortable or awkward when teaching such a vast variety of individuals the art of finding joy in themselves?
Thank you for sharing
What made you decide you wanted to work in the sex industry? I think what you're doing is awesome!
What do you say to a couple who disagree on the terms and definitions of "sex"? For example, using your definition above, some would disagree that being together looking at stars is a sexual act. In that context, half of a couple would say they have sex several times daily and the other half feels deprived. Wouldn't that cause alot of friction in the relationship?
As a little girl, when I asked where babies came from, I was told about how the mum makes the egg and the dad makes the sperm, and they join to make a baby. Somehow, I never asked how the sperm got to the egg, and having heard the term 'sleeping together', and 'caught pregnant', I worked out for myself that sperm were like germs, and a girl who slept in the same bed with a boy would 'catch pregnant', like you might catch a cold from someone. Later when my best friend told me how sex actually happened, I didn't believe her! I was convinced my version was right until I was about 12.
That anecdote relates directly to my question: What's the most ludicrous belief about sex that you've encountered in your time as a sex educator?
I'm considering getting some Ben Wa balls. Other than for kegel exercises, can Ben Wa balls be used for other things? Also, do you feel the Ben Wa balls are the most effective method of strengthening kegel muscles? If not, what would you recommend?
Hi Ducky. Welcome. What are the biggest misconceptions, both good and bad, that people have about you based on the fact that your work and career are sex focused?
Hi Ducky and welcome to EF!
I was hoping you could help me with a concern that's been stressing me. I enjoy pleasuring myself immensely, but can't seem to be able to orgasm from the help of a partner touching me (hands or mouth). I have been with people I trust and feel comfortable enough to guide, but somehow they're never able to replicate my touch or provide adequate stimulation to bring me over the edge. I imagine some of this might be psychological, but I'm not entirely sure. This has been this case with a number of partners, so I'm at the point where I'm stressed because I think it's my issue to resolve. I'd love to hear your thoughts as a sex educator on this and/or any tips you might have.
Hi! I was wondering how I can get my boyfriend to accept my sexual nature. when we first started dating he was excited that I loved sex as much as him, but now he seems a little weirded out that Im always wanting to try new things and that i buy new toys and lingerie all the time. How do I talk to him about it and get him to want to try things too?
OK how did Dirty Bingo start and what exactly goes on there? Chicken Baby!
Any advice on how to keep your body from being bored by sex? example i've noticed soem of my friends where sex crazed for a few years and now nothing gets them going. Their partners complain that their is nothing they can do to arouse them anymore.
Do you think that someone needing toys means they're bored with their partner?
As a nurse birth control and STD prevention goes hand in hand with sexual education. Do you believe that birth control can effect a persons sexuality, be it in performance or just sexual image?
Regarding your days as video girl, how did you get used to the feeling of having cameras on 24/7? Were there any defining moments where it felt creepy, liberating, annoying, overwhelming, foolish etc?
On that note, I just wanted to thank you for your take on online censorship as a "badge of honor". You single handedly changed my perspective on it. Now I giggle every time it happens. Thank you for that!
has a fan of your writing ever recognized you when you're out and about
How do you get used to/start getting pleasure out of vaginal penetration?
What kind of Ben Wa balls would you recommend using? I've seen a lot of variety and am not sure yet which is best.
How has your family reacted to your career choice and openness about sex in general?
Do you think that having children usually has a negative impact on the sexual health on a couple's relationship? Any tips to avoid this?
If you had to start all over, would you still choose this career?
what exactly do you tell middle school aged teens about abstinence and knowing when they are ready to have sex?
I was 14 when I lost my virginity. I was nowhere near ready to have sex and never understood sex or enjoyed it till I was much older. For years I thought something was wrong with me. I really wish I had someone's guidance or wisdom.
do you have a favorite sex toy material?
What do you think is the most important bit of information that people should know about sex toys?
Which point did you know that it was no longer a temporary job for you? That this was going to be a career.
do you have a favorite sex toy manufacturer?
In the Diary of Anne Frank, there is an entry where she attempts to describe herself and speaks of the lack of sexual education available (at least for females). I was wondering if you ever used this in seminars or what your opinion on this entry?
What does sex mean to you?
At what time in someone's life does their sexuality start going downhill?
What's your favorite sex toy?
What's your favorite toyshop?
What's the most satisfying way you've ever helped someone as a sex educator?
If someone would like to pursue a similar career, who is passionate about writing, do you have any suggestions or guidance for them?
How do you feel about prostate massaging?
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