Being kinky: Are you just "born with it"?

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Being kinky: Are you just "born with it"?

Epicurean Epicurean
I just wrote a post about the overuse of toys among those unfamiliar with BDSM. (I'm new here and apologize if I'm not supposed to link to an outside blog - you don't have to read it, it just gives context for what I'm about to ask.)

I've been continually frustrated by partners who just don't understand what BDSM means and instead resort to fancy toys to make up for what they lack in mindset. I try to be patient about it, because I understand it's unfamiliar territory for them, but it eventually it makes me wonder if some people are just inherently kinky and some aren't.

I ask because I've had kinky thoughts since I was very young and I can't imagine suddenly "learning" those fantasies by the time you're in your 20s. Can anyone else speak to this personally, or share your experiences/tips about helping familiarize an interested partner with the lifestyle? Is it worth it to even try?
02/11/2011
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TboyTy TboyTy
I definitely think it's something you're born with or not but I do think that it can lay dormant in someone until the right person or situation comes along and exposes it or piques their interest.

I've had several partners that I tried to introduce to BDSM and had a similar experience to yours. I have also had partners that had no idea they were kinky and are very involved with the scene now. Another experience I had involving someones kinky side being dormant involved a close friend of mine. We went to a very vanilla gathering of kinky friends and of course as the saying goes "get three or more kinky people together and kink will come up." As we talked she was fascinated and said she was interested in learning the "psychology" behind it. I just laughed and said OK and brought her around the community more and more. Big shock, she is also now an active member in the community.

I think it can also depend on who you're talking to and what their definition of kinky is. To some, even using toys is "kinky" to others it's role playing, and to the rest of us it's "harder" play that you find in BDSM.
02/11/2011
Epicurean Epicurean
Thanks for your reply. In timely fashion, the guy I'm with now was talking today about wanting to go to a dungeon around here. He doesn't understand my hangup - he thinks I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed, and I'm trying to explain that it just isn't necessary.

I think you're also right though that BDSM and kinky mean different things to different people, and there's no right or wrong. That's something I have to be more sensitive to.
02/11/2011
toxie m toxie m
I agree with TboyTy that it's definitely something that can lay dormant in someone - I tend to also think it's something people are born with but I'm sure there're exceptions. I remember having explicit kinky fantasies and dreams when I was very young (and reallly liking them, and not understanding why). I wasn't exposed to anything that would have created or triggered those thoughts then - my childhood was very normal and lovely. Kink didn't seem to be something learned in my case, at least.
02/12/2011
Epicurean Epicurean
Yeah me neither. I think I was kinkier when I was 9 than I am now! I feel like by the time you're an adult, you know what your fantasies are and what turns you on. Your imagination can go free when it's in your head. But maybe some people repress it.
02/13/2011
UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
I think it depends on the person. Some people are probably born with it and some people probably learn it. It's the good ol' nature v. nurture debate.
02/13/2011
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
I've been continually frustrated by partners who just don't understand what BDSM means and instead resort to fancy toys to make up for what they lack in mindset. I try to be patient about it, because I understand it's unfamiliar territory for them, but it eventually it makes me wonder if some people are just inherently kinky and some aren't.

This seems like a bit of a closed minded attitude. I am a fairly Kinky person and enjoy my fair share of bdsm but I do not expect every person to eventually rise to my level of kinkiness. Some people just LIKE toys. I happen to LOVE them.

Just as you can not expect a persons body to look like yours, their genitals to be shaped the same or for them to even have the same sex drive, you can not expect that certain types of stimulation will result in the same physical and emotional responses. Some people just aren't wired like that, to them, pain is nothing but pain. And they DON'T like it. Some people don't like to be restrained because it frightens them and turns them off. Maybe I misunderstood what you were tying to say, but it seems like you are moving in the right direction regardless.
02/13/2011
LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Epicurean
I just wrote a post about the overuse of toys among those unfamiliar with BDSM. (I'm new here and apologize if I'm not supposed to link to an outside blog - you don't have to read it, it just gives context for what I'm about to ...
I think this really goes with the nature vs nurture thing. I think some are born that way, some learn it.
02/15/2011
Epicurean Epicurean
Oh don't get me wrong...I love toys. I think it's safe to say that most people on this site love toys! My frustration comes when I mention the things I like, and my partner's response is to tie me up and talk about me "submitting" to him/her. That's not kinky to me, that's just a performance. I need the psychological backstory before I really feel dominated by a partner.

A commenter of the article I referenced in my blog said that "Toys are accessories, not necessities", which sums up my feelings on toys quite nicely. I love them, but they alone can't sustain a sexual relationship.

However, you're right that everyone is different, and maybe I need to actively seek out a partner who is interested in my brand of kink instead of expecting it to occur by chance. It's not that I'm frustrated that others don't respond to the same stimuli as me. I just don't want them to pretend they're something they're not.
02/15/2011
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
I didn't click to read the first article you were referencing but your post left a bad taste in my mouth. It really stinks of "If it's not MY BDSM, it's not real BDSM" and I'm not sure that you're portraying a helpful attitude or aware of just how you sound.

Could it be that the media affects how people look at it? Yes, absolutely but BDSM it not cut and dry and it varies for every person. For some there is no BDSM without toys (while the opposite may also be true). For some, BDSM never goes further than bedroom bondage. For some the idea of BDSM without sex is ridiculous. To say to anyone that they are not doing it right just comes off as pompous. Maybe you're the one who doesn't "get it?" Or maybe you're really bad at explaining exactly what it is that you want. Or maybe you pick partners who just get really eager or who aren't into BDSM as much as you are or who aren't as creative as they would like to be and thus toys are just a tool for them?

But none of that has anything to do with your question.

I don't think kink is necessarily an issue of nature versus nurture as it can absolutely grow on you and there's just so many flavors and phases that surround the issue. Some people may simply like it, all or of it some of it and some people don't but to say they're "born" that way just sounds too simplistic.
02/15/2011
Epicurean Epicurean
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
I didn't click to read the first article you were referencing but your post left a bad taste in my mouth. It really stinks of "If it's not MY BDSM, it's not real BDSM" and I'm not sure that you're portraying a helpful ...
Ouch. Alright. I think the point has been made twice now that there are different brands of BDSM, which I've acknowledged and conceded to. I genuinely didn't mean to sound condescending and I can see how it came off that way. My question was born of nothing more than sexual frustration. I am not plugged into BDSM culture, just a lone kinky woman, and certainly don't harbor any snooty feelings of "This is the way BDSM has to be". I don't know any other BDSM enthusiasts, online or offline, and I was honestly just interested in tapping this community to understand what goes on in other people's heads. Because until now, I only knew what goes on in my head.

What I've learned from your responses is that BDSM exists on a spectrum and that the world is not divided into kinky and non-kinky. That may seem obvious to you, but I didn't know that, and that's why this forum exists to ask questions and to learn.

"Or maybe you pick partners who just get really eager or who aren't into BDSM as much as you are or who aren't as creative as they would like to be and thus toys are just a tool for them?"

I think that's pretty accurate.
02/15/2011
Happy Camper Happy Camper
I definitely recall my first kinky fantasies when I was 8 or 9. And then throughout just about all of middle school. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere Michigan to ministers, in a land of dirt roads. There were so many things that were a sort of culture shock when we relocated, I felt really rather naive.

But I knew what BDSM stood for and I ached for a collar. So so hard. And I loved fantasizing about force and power and the darker aspects of BDSM. I did not know what the BDSM community looked like and I didn't enter it until I was 21 and living in San Francisco. But yes. I believe I was definitely born with it having zero exposure to such things but having internal fantasies as young as I did.

But I agree with those who say it can lie dormant. Some of the kinkiest people I know in the scene today didn't discover it until they were in their 30s and now they are Kink party hosts who dedicate their lives to the lifestyle. I also know people in their 20s who don't know what BDSM stands for but when you tell them they get really interested. They've never thought of it before but they really like the idea of it and they get into it. I'd say it can happen both ways but I was definitely born with it.
02/17/2011
Epicurean Epicurean
Thanks for your perspective. I'm also in my early 20s, recently moved to San Francisco, and just discovering who the BDSM community is and what it looks like. This city seems like a great place to begin moving from "in my head" to actual play. Any SF suggestions, I'd love to hear em!
02/18/2011
Total posts: 13
Unique posters: 8