Inspired by Suzanne Venker’s recent piece which declared that men have failed to find good jobs, get married and live up to their potential, I conducted my own research into the ongoing war on obesity. Just like Venker, my research also finds that women are completely to blame, only for different reasons which condemn marriage rather than deify it. Just as feminists demanding the right to participate in the workforce has transformed men into douchebags, so too has marriage turned men and women into fatties.
Rational beings strive for incentives which are easy to identify
and unchanging from person to person. Research by the top women’s magazines show there’s a direct correlation between a woman’s weight and a man’s affection, as one rises, the other falls. This work was collaborated by the Playboy Labs, Hustler Consortium and Maxim Remedial Technical Center.
Engaging in copulation before their second wedding anniversary has removed all motivation for men to work hard, or even get up in the morning. For centuries sex was used as the ultimate carrot for the stubborn, lazy man, it forced him to be motivated, strong, competent, because sex was something that had to be earned.
Sex can only motivate men so much, so they be further motivated in the form of numerous hungry, helpless children, because unplanned pregnancies always turn men around. Burdened with the knowledge that they alone support an entire family and will be blamed for its failure, they all but abandon them, taking on 80 hour work weeks to earn enough for them to live. It’s this motivation that women further kill by commandeering some of the burden.
Just as women being sexually open outside of marriage and existing in the workplace have turned men into slackers, they’re also turning everyone, not just men, fat. According to the same study used by Venker, 37% of women want to get married and what is marriage if not the ultimate death of motivation? A ring isn’t the only thing they put when they get married.
When single, people need to remain in prime shape to have a chance at sex, or their M.R.S. because who would willing be with a fatty? Yet once married, what incentive is left? With only one income, men must work their lives away to avoid a three-way with the repo man; other sex is no longer off the table. As for women, once they bag a man, sex seems as unnecessary as frosting on a cake.
During my research into this phenomenon, dozens of people I have literally talked with, but won’t let me list their names or even locations have told me the only reason they got married was so that they could eat at McDonalds again. Single life is meant to be a means of controlling the fat population by forcing them to exercise or live alone, it’s all about incentives. Marriage kills incentive by giving people what they want, relief from the competition of the singles market.
Women’s insistence on getting married and their willingness to have sex outside of marriage has an added side effect of making children fat. Seeing their parents fat suggests that there’s more to dating than physical appearance, or worse, it propagates the lie that some people like the fat body type. This kills the incentive to exercise, according to studies on blog entries that I read at one point and will cite if I ever find them again.
Obesity currently costs the United States over 50 trillion dollars per year in health care costs and the only thing growing faster are their waistlines. If people continue to marry, fat will only worsen, leading to a day in the not too distant future when 120% of the population is obese. All because women want to marry, even though not marrying is also ruining men just as much.
Men are rudderless without incentive to transform them into the steely cool saviors of humanity and the only thing that motivates us is sex. Without it health, wellbeing, fun, nothing will get us to take care of our bodies, stop playing Xbox or shower. Once women start listening to their instincts, these same men that spend their time calling out women for misandry on the internet, smoke pot instead of going to job interviews and won’t try to move out of their parent’s house will follow their instincts and become upstanding men. But they’ll still be fat unless marriage is abandoned, so either way we’re doomed and it’s your fault women.
This is a satire, a parody of this article link.
I'm trying to find the right mixture between subtle jokes, but not so much it's unclear it's satire. Was it obvious that this was satire? too obvious? Should I tone down the jokes, or ramp it up? Thanks for your help.