If you are into Domination/Submission, or pain of any kind (using nipple clamps, or cock/ball torture...etc. Please explain the "reason"?

The New Intimacy

If you are into Domination/Submission, or pain of any kind (using nipple clamps, or cock/ball torture...etc. Please explain the "reason"?

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Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Bondage, domination/submission, pain play of all kinds. We simply do not get it. Not at all. Sorry. Just being honest. I just posted a poll asking about how many people on EF are actually into this kind of play.

As I said in the other poll, we are into all kinds of sex, for fun, for bonding, for pleasure. We don't get the "pain equals pleasure" thing. I have never once hit my finger with a hammer and had an orgasm. Cutting my legs shaving has never left me euphoric.

So, will someone who is really into any of these things please explain how you started with that (I cannot imagine waking up as a teen, discovering sexuality and going, "oh, I cannot wait to be whipped")???? How does one even start finding this pleasurable.

Obviously people do, and there are a lot of books, videos, and toys devoted to that lifestyle and play, but can some of you try and explain it to us folks who really don't begin to have a clue? It is so, so far outside my realm of understanding, when I look at some of these devices here, I ask myself, "why would anyone do that to another person" (certainly horrible, in my mind, to do to a stranger. Why on earth would I torture someone I love)? Where does that come from????????

Thanks for shedding some light on the subject. I bet a lot of us wonder but are too afraid to ask.
10/13/2012
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Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Well, I don't have orgasms or gain any sexual pleasure from getting hurt outside of a sexual context, either. That's not the same thing. And there are different sensations for different kinds of pain, just like with pleasure. The two can overlap sometimes, and the rush you get, the release of endorphins from some types of pain, can easily turn pleasurable. The mix of sensations in fact, is something that really gets me going. It's an overall experience that is psychological as well as physical. The brain is very much involved, for me. And some people just love the intensity of it. I'm one of those people.

For me, the type of pain I like, is spanking--and hard spanking. It started out with being put over my guy's lap and getting spanked while I was being told that I was "bad"--and it escalated from there. Being vulnerable to him like that indicates a particular kind of trust that excites me--that we can do anything, push all kinds of sexual boundaries together, and I'm safe with him--safe from really getting hurt, from being used, from being judged, from being shamed. That's exhilarating for me, and that rush I get from that alone gives me pleasure. He also likes to spank me, then rub my ass, then spank, then dip in between my legs and tease me, then spank...there are a lot of things going on...and I love feeling him grow hard while I'm draped across his lap like that. Whips and paddles just seem to be the next logical step in our play, and the sting is a good sensation to mix in with the amazing sex we always have after my bum is red, hot, and tingling.

Really, it's all about context and intent. I don't want a random person to spank me, and I don't want to be spanked without consent. I don't want to be spanked when I'm not in the mood for sex, because it doesn't feel the same. Our bodies undergo a lot of change when we are aroused, and things that feel amazing in that state, don't feel the same when you're not. Every rub your clit when your not turned on? It's downright unpleasant. Ever been embraced by someone when you don't feel like being affectionate? Ever been in a sexual situation and just are not into it? Blech. The act itself cannot be the only things going on. There has to be a situation with particular circumstances that make those actions feel good.

And I'm curious about clamps, because I have very sensitive breasts, and when he's pinched them in the heat of passion, it feels amazing. And having my hair pulled gets me off as well. It feels very animalistic and raw. There's just this sense that it's okay to let go and shed all inhibitions like that. In my day to day life, I don't get to let go easily. So sex has to feel like a liberation for me for it to be most satisfying. Again, it's psychological, which enhances the physical.

In any case, you might as well ask, "Why would anyone bungee jump? Who would want to jump off a bridge!" Because it's exciting. Because it gives you an adrenaline rush. Because it makes you feel new sensations. And some people don't want that at all because they don't like those rushes of adrenaline, and they don't like the thrill. Everyone experiences things differently.

Do you ever wonder why some people like horror films, and scary books, or doing things like ghost hunting or anything involving the paranormal? I think some of us like to be spooked or scared once in a while, even though we generally feel like that's an unpleasant sensation--and it certainly can be sometimes, depending on the situation, the circumstances and the degree of intensity. But it's interesting and fun, too. And it's a singular feeling that you don't experience all the time, generally speaking.

Or how about giving oral? I'm not receiving sexual stimulation when I'm giving. But I'm turned on by the situation. I'm turned on by my partner's reaction. I'm turned on by the circumstances. It feels very good to me, even though I'm not on the receiving end.

And asking what triggered it because you think that no teenager wakes up with a desire to be whipped is a bit silly. How can any of us disentangle our sexual tastes? So much goes into our experiences in our lives--there are a lot of things that turn some people on and turn other people off, and who can say why with a lot of them?

In any case, I'm not offended at all--it's not everyone's cup of tea, I know. But I have things that make me think, "How could anyone find that attractive or appealing at all?" But then I realize, hey, everyone is different. There are more fetishes and turn ons for people than there are stars in the sky, and we only get a tiny fraction of them ourselves. It's just the way people are--we are all different and experience things differently. It's just the way it is.
10/13/2012
Contributor: PeaceToTheMiddleEast PeaceToTheMiddleEast
I myself got into being tied up and blindfolded. By experimenting. I did not just decide to get up one day either and say oh I like that. It took some time getting used too. As for nipple play with clamps I just now started using these. As for whips and other things. I happen to like that stuff too. Spankings happen to turn me on.

Until you try on your own you will always be puzzled about it.
10/13/2012
Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by PeaceToTheMiddleEast
I myself got into being tied up and blindfolded. By experimenting. I did not just decide to get up one day either and say oh I like that. It took some time getting used too. As for nipple play with clamps I just now started using these. As for whips ... more
Well said. I'm a curious person, and I usually find myself, in and out of the bedroom, thinking, "I wonder what that would be like?" So yeah, you have to experiment before you know you'll like it. You can't say you like a type of food if you don't eat it first, right? We discover our sexual selves through experiences. Nobody wakes up and says, "I like that!" You have to actually do it first.
10/13/2012
Contributor: PeaceToTheMiddleEast PeaceToTheMiddleEast
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
Well said. I'm a curious person, and I usually find myself, in and out of the bedroom, thinking, "I wonder what that would be like?" So yeah, you have to experiment before you know you'll like it. You can't say you like a type ... more
Yea there are a lot of things I have tried and did not like. The same is for domination/submission. There are a lot of hard limits that I would not get into. But the ones I do I enjoy it.
10/13/2012
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Supervixen explained it most succinctly - it's context and how the stimulation is applied. I can't stand any sort of normal pain whatsoever, just like everyone else. It was only through accident that I discovered I liked being spanked, my hair pulled, and pinched hard enough to cause bruising.

Here I spent my teens and twenties dreaming of perfectly vanilla, ordinary sex (and getting little to none of it, even while married) that when I divorced in my early thirties and began experimenting, I discovered a whole new world of sensory experience that I never knew existed. It was amazing - like an hallucinatory experience in which the world is still normal but enhanced.

Granted, it's not for everyone. It requires a ton of patience, communication, responsibility, and trust to be able to allow someone to have that control and to accept that control. The unfortunate matter is that some people claiming to be Doms are really maladjusted sickos who use the position to hurt others, just as there are subs who give control of their lives to others so they won't have to be responsible for anything. These are people in which "safe, sane, and consensual" does not apply.
10/13/2012
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
You should really read The Ultimate Guide to Kink. It explains why people like what they do very well.

Ever since I was a child I dreamed of being dominated and bound. Can't explain why that is, but it's always been a turn on for me. Doing those types of things with success led me to want to try pain play.

The type of sensation you get from being hit isn't the same as regular pain. I'm a wuss if I stub my toe, but I can take a pretty hard beating. It feels different. It feels pleasurable. It releases endorphins and sometimes I can get high off of them.

Some people just aren't wired for kink, like you. Others are. It's just like me saying "I don't understand why people like red meat. It's gross!" Different strokes for different folks, as they say. I'll never understand what people see in red meat and some people may never see what I see in BDSM.

The key thing is to just not be judgmental of those with different interests/tastes as yourself. Sure, you may not understand it, but that shouldn't make you look down on a person or think something is wrong with them. It just means you're different and that's all.
10/13/2012
Contributor: Jesyra Jesyra
I think Supervixen hit all the biggest points. But I do want to add that bdsm isn't just something you wake up liking. And certainly not in extreme fashion. I don't know too many people who love pure high proof alcohol the first time they drink it, but plenty of people end up liking it. They start at the low end of the spectrum and work up.

I got introduced in a simple way. I had a boyfriend who was a little rough. He was a biter and had really strong hands. He always made sure I enjoyed myself, but I had welts and bite marks and bruises every times. At first it was minimal, but the more he realized I enjoyed it, the more he did it, and the more I enjoyed it.

It's not really about hurting someone you care about, it's about amplifying their pleasure. The same boyfriend slammed a door into my face once and apologized every single day until the bruise went away. He called me on the days he didn't see me just to apologize. That isn't the action of a person who enjoys hurting someone. And yet, he left bruises and bite marks that lasted even longer and never apologized.

If I slammed a hammer on my thumb I'm wouldn't have an orgasm, I'd have an expletive shouting contest with myself. But if my husband comes up behind me and sinks his teeth into my neck, he can leave a bruise that will last a week and I'll enjoy every single second of it. How can the 2 things be so different when they are similar? Easy. The nerves in your body tell your brain what is hot or cold and what hurts or feels good, but my mind tells me there is a difference between unintentional pain and pain used to enhance pleasure. Sure I still have limits, like everyone else, but it isn't about what something is or isnt - it's all about the perception.
10/13/2012
Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by Jesyra
I think Supervixen hit all the biggest points. But I do want to add that bdsm isn't just something you wake up liking. And certainly not in extreme fashion. I don't know too many people who love pure high proof alcohol the first time they ... more
Good point about the not wanting to hurt someone you care about. Anybody who isn't an abusive asshole is not going to enjoy hurting someone they care about. If it's not mutually pleasurable, then it's not pleasurable at all. He knows I like it--I've outright asked for him to do things, told him my fantasies, and moan, and scream, and gasp, and cum my brains out while he's doing these things to me--so he knows I enjoy it without any degree of uncertainty. And he wouldn't push a major boundary without first discussing it with me. The point is to please me, not damage me. But just in case it gets too intense, there's always the safe word (or signal, if you're gagged).

Also, for me, I've engaged in this kind of sex as a means of healing from being hurt in the past through totally vanilla sex with bad men. Yes, you can really hurt someone emotionally and psychologically in all kinds of ways. Do you think that people in vanilla relationships are always in a happy, loving situation? Those men may have not flogged my ass with a belt or bit me at the moment of climax, or tied me down and told me to beg for it like a good little slut, but they sure were some manipulative, hateful, selfish pricks who used sex, sweet, loving words, caresses and wonderful soon-to-be broken promises to tear my heart out and make me feel unworthy. Now that I'm with someone who treats me with respect and care, who I feel safe with, who I can trust, I feel that I can push myself in all kinds of ways as a sexual person, without feeling that self-doubt or that sense of dread that I'm not worthy of love, so I have to degrade myself to be with some horrible person just to be able to feel fleeting moments of affection. I feel like I can face so much that I used to be insecure about now, and it all boils down to trust and knowing my partner's intentions, because I know who he is as a person, and he never fails to show me how he really feels about me. I think the trust involved in these types of relationships is a major draw for a lot of people.

Of course you can do the same thing with a good partner and having totally vanilla sex--it's just a matter of taste and perception.
10/13/2012
Contributor: (k)InkyIvy (k)InkyIvy
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
Well, I don't have orgasms or gain any sexual pleasure from getting hurt outside of a sexual context, either. That's not the same thing. And there are different sensations for different kinds of pain, just like with pleasure. The two can ... more
I think you just said it best!
10/13/2012