How many people here view sex as an obligation to their SO, rather then a fun activity together.

Bignuf Bignuf
No kidding. One of our young co-workers (she is 22) is getting married. Her Mom, who is only 43, sat her down for a "talk" and said that "when your husband wants sex, just put on a smile, let him do what he wishes and just put up with it". Our friend thought that was so very sad. Sounds like her mom has never enjoyed sex....but "put up with it" as her "wifely duties". It sounds so 1800's.

Anyone actually feel that way in their own sex life?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I do feel it is an obligation, regardless of if I want to have sex or not.
3
I enjoy it, but still consider it an obligation and understand her point.
12
Nope...I have to enjoy it, to do it.
28
Other?
6
Total votes: 49 (47 voters)
Poll is closed
10/30/2012
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Mwar Mwar
I don't ever want sex to be a chore, so if one of us aren't up for it, we won't press it.
10/30/2012
Ansley Ansley
I believe sex is an obligation in a marriage. An obligation by its very definition is something you commit yourself to by vows or promises.

Is sex in a marriage a chore? Only if you don't enjoy sex or your spouse, but I think the two words are not interchangeable in this case.

I'm obligated to be intimate with my husband, as his wife. He is obligated to be intimate with me, as my husband. However, if either one of us starts to feel like it's a chore, then we need to open the lines of communication and reassess what's going on in our relationship.
10/30/2012
ShadowedSeductress ShadowedSeductress
That really does sound sad.

It may sound cheesy but I don't see sex as an obligation. I see it as a way for my partner and I to express our love for one another and of course release some sexual tension.

I think there are bound to be some times where the other person isn't in the mood. Could be tired, not feel well, or just rather watch some TV. If my boyfriend wants sex but I don't, sometimes I can be put in the mood. Other times I'll give him a hand job or oral. He does the same for me. Then there are those times where nothing is going to happen, and we will lovingly say how about tomorrow? Or something. That doesn't happen often but it does happen. In those cases we can either wait or get off on our own.

We haven't set any requirements. There isn't a set number we promise to have sex or anything. Hell some days cuddling and watching a movie is enough. Sex is a very important part of our relationship but it isn't the only part.

I really can't imagine being a married woman and "putting a smile on and letting him do his thing" The communication needs to be open enough so that you both know when not to push. Not only that but sex is much better when both parties are enjoying it.
10/30/2012
SneakersAndPearls SneakersAndPearls
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I believe sex is an obligation in a marriage. An obligation by its very definition is something you commit yourself to by vows or promises.

Is sex in a marriage a chore? Only if you don't enjoy sex or your spouse, but I think the two words ... More
^This, exactly.

I do feel it's an obligation, but that doesn't mean we don't enjoy it.
10/30/2012
G&L G&L
It's not an obligation.
10/30/2012
Nurse Katie Nurse Katie
I do enjoy our sex life, but if my husband is in the mood when I'm not I'll still do it to please him. I don't see any harm in that
10/30/2012
XYCopperheadSly XYCopperheadSly
My god that's so sad

I never think of sex as an obligation. I think of it as something I can never get enough of.
10/30/2012
no longer here no longer here
Yes, we see sex as an obligation in marriage. If one of us "isn't in the mood" we don't roll over and ignore our mate. We lay back and enjoy our spouses attempts to change out mind. It pretty much always works.

Now, if one of us is sick, totally different story, but just "not in the mood" is all "in the mind".

MR and MRS Scotch
10/30/2012
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I believe its an obligation - but I love my work!
10/30/2012
MrWishyWashy MrWishyWashy
We don't have that problem because we are both constantly horny for each other
10/30/2012
- Kira - - Kira -
I believe it's an obligation. My husband expects me to have sex with him. He wouldn't have married me if he thought it was going to be sexless. That said, I enjoy having sex. While I do see it as an obligation, it's not a chore. There are certainly times I'm not even slightly in the mood that we have sex because he wants to, but that's the way of our relationship. I still wouldn't consider it a chore.
10/30/2012
indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I believe sex is an obligation in a marriage. An obligation by its very definition is something you commit yourself to by vows or promises.

Is sex in a marriage a chore? Only if you don't enjoy sex or your spouse, but I think the two words ... More
I feel similarly. I feel like it's my responsibility to take care of my man sexually, and it's his responsibility to take care of me sexually. That doesn't mean we can read each other's minds, and that each of us will always get our way in our sex life.

What it does mean though is that we make taking care of each other sexually a priority, and we care if the other one is satisfied, or needs something extra, or whatever. We communicate about it, and try to make it easy for the other person to satisfy us.

One of the reasons I make it such a high priority is because I enjoy it so much.

So yeah, I view it as my responsibility... but I also love it!



I feel sorry for your coworker's mother. She could join us here on Eden and start enjoying herself!
10/30/2012
no longer here no longer here
Have to second that! Not a chore.
10/30/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
I picked other, but that's because I don't see a sexual obligation as only a wifely duty--it's a husband's duty to his wife as well. And by duty, I don't mean chore. I mean that when you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone you love, you are supposed to provide each other with a satisfying and fulfilling relationship--and sex and the intimacy it provides that is necessary for a healthy relationship, is part of that. It sounds like her mother is old fashioned in viewing sex as something that a woman just puts up with, and she grins and bears it for his satisfaction. If you see it as a two way street though, that both parties are doing it for each other's satisfaction, then it's not nearly such a dreadful sounding concept.

I think there is also something to be said for having sex when you don't feel like it after you've been in a long term relationship and the flames have died down. Otherwise, I think it's easy to get stuck in a rut, and before you know it, you're in a sexless relationship, neither one of you are satisfied, and resentment builds, turning sex into a dividing force instead of something that should bring you closer together. That's why it's important to spice your marriage up. That's why it's important to be open to trying new things and being adventurous. That's why it's important to be passionate about your spouse and your spouse's pleasure. If you don't feel like it, maybe you should go with it and see if you can get into it once you get going. If you can't then something else is wrong, and you need to address it.

But really, yes. Sex is an obligation in a marriage. It's an obligation for a wife as well as a husband. And providing sexual satisfaction is also an obligation--for both the wife and the husband.
10/30/2012
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
Ick. I hate that idea. I will have sex with a partner when I am not 100% feeling it, but that is a gift, not an obligation.
10/30/2012
Neotigress Neotigress
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
No kidding. One of our young co-workers (she is 22) is getting married. Her Mom, who is only 43, sat her down for a "talk" and said that "when your husband wants sex, just put on a smile, let him do what he wishes and just put up with ... More
So here's the it should be fun, but at the end of the day it's an obligation when you're married view point.

Part of the deal of being married is being each other's comfort... but what happens when you've been married 30 years and you're bored or you have ED and you're not moved to get treatment... at that point you're obligated to try to comfort or please your spouse... that's part of the deal.

I have a friend who's been begging her husband to have any sex with her and he just avoids it or puts it off (he has ED)... he gets the pills after she nags but he won't take them. He went to therapy but won't do the homework...

At what point should he as a spouse who does not want a divorce or for her to find a lover on the side obligated to give her physical pleasure?

But at the same time.... if you've let your marriage get to that point.... well, yeah.
10/30/2012
heather-mooney heather-mooney
whoa! it has to be consensual!
10/30/2012
Xarien Xarien
I can't say that I've ever considered any sexual act in a relationship an obligation. While I do believe that sex is an important aspect of any relationship (especially marriage), I can't say that it's a 100% REQUIRED condition to being married.

If my girlfriend goes through a spell where she doesn't want to have sex for a period of two weeks, she has that right. She doesn't have to force herself to spread her legs simply because I'm in the mood and she has an obligation to do so...That's not fair in so many different ways.

I've also dated people with zero sex drive. Saying that it's an obligation would almost imply that people like that shouldn't get married...Or exclusively marry people with a similar lack of sex drive.

Sex is a mutual thing. An understanding. And while sex may be expected, it should never be forced onto someone as an obligation.
10/30/2012
Missmarc Missmarc
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
No kidding. One of our young co-workers (she is 22) is getting married. Her Mom, who is only 43, sat her down for a "talk" and said that "when your husband wants sex, just put on a smile, let him do what he wishes and just put up with ... More
Nope...I have to enjoy it, to do it.
10/30/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by Xarien
I can't say that I've ever considered any sexual act in a relationship an obligation. While I do believe that sex is an important aspect of any relationship (especially marriage), I can't say that it's a 100% REQUIRED condition to ... More
Absolutely people with zero sex drive should only marry people with a similar sex drive. Sexual compatibility is important to keep a relationship thriving--unless they don't mind having an open marriage. How is it more fair for people with sexual needs to go with them unmet because their significant other has no desire to meet those needs? I wouldn't date a person without a sex drive--because I have one, and it's important to me. I've known a fair number of people in relationships with sexual compatibility issues--a lot of times, it comes down to differing sex drives--and it never lasts, except unhappily.

Sex is important. Intimacy is important. Leaving your spouse unhappy and unsatisfied is only asking for a lot of resentment, an affair, or an eventual break up that will end badly with a lot of hard feelings.
10/30/2012
RonLee RonLee
I considered it my husbandly duty to always give my spouse sex whenever she asked for it and give her orgasm, even on those occasions that she woke me up in the middle of the night for it.
Sadly my spouse (deceased) often considered intercourse (Geschlechtsverkehr which she called schlechtes Verkehr) her Pflicht. I'll hand it to her though, she often had quite a sense of humor.

Yes german was our common language, we met in germany in german language school. I never learned her native tongue,spanish but after we moved to the US she became quite adept with english.
10/30/2012
Xarien Xarien
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
Absolutely people with zero sex drive should only marry people with a similar sex drive. Sexual compatibility is important to keep a relationship thriving--unless they don't mind having an open marriage. How is it more fair for people with sexual ... More
I understand what you're saying, but if that person who has no sex drive meets and falls in love with someone that goes into that relationship KNOWING that will be minimal (if at all), is it fair to still call it an obligation?

One can be intimate without having sex and frankly I don't believe that love is dependent on sex. Simply because YOU wouldn't date someone you couldn't have sex with doesn't mean it should be an obligation for everyone.
10/30/2012
wetone123 wetone123
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I believe its an obligation - but I love my work!
Gotta love this answer!!!
10/30/2012
gsfanatic gsfanatic
I can understand how people could see it as an obligation, but I've always enjoyed it. If you're going to be sleeping with someone regularly, might as well enjoy that sleeping
10/30/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by Xarien
I understand what you're saying, but if that person who has no sex drive meets and falls in love with someone that goes into that relationship KNOWING that will be minimal (if at all), is it fair to still call it an obligation?

One can be ... More
If a person goes into a relationship knowing that the sex is going to be minimal, despite their sex drive being incompatible with that person, or their sexual needs and desires differing drastically, then I'd call that person foolish. Over time it will come back to haunt them. I guarantee it. The sparkle of love tends to fade when you can't be met on the same page as your SO, whether it be sex or other needs.

Love is dependent upon sex for a lot of people, or at least, a significant portion of it is. Romantic love, erotic love, is different from platonic love. Marriage is not the same as an intimate friendship.

And yes, you're right; because I wouldn't date someone I couldn't have sex with (why not just be friends, then?) doesn't mean it's an obligation for everyone--everyone perfectly happy in an asexual or low libido relationship, or open relationship to satisfy the person with a higher libido, is exempt from this obligation. Everyone is entitled to their own misery that they make for themselves, too. But in my opinion, in the opinion of many sex therapists, marriage counselors, psychologists, doctors and people with a pulse in between their legs, sex is important to a functioning relationship for people with normal to high libidos and sexual needs. Sexual intimacy is important and is different from other types of intimacy, important as those other types are in their own right. Denying sex to your spouse is damaging, and if it's an issue, then it usually indicates an underlying incompatibility or issue elsewhere in the relationship that will break down over time. People who are in love with asexual people despite having sexual needs themselves will fall out of love over time, when they're desperate to feel affection and intimacy that they can get nowhere else and from no one else, unless an understanding is met for that to be sought outside of the bounds of marriage. Or they have an affair. Nothing tears your self-esteem down like being in a relationship with a person who isn't desirous of you on a physical level.

Sex is an obligation in a contract like marriage where you sign up for monogamy, not celibacy.

Sometimes long term relationships go through a rough patch, or something happens such as the things mentioned in this thread, like a physical problem or perhaps right after a child is born. Your sex life with probably hit a lull here and there. But that can be remedied with time, counseling, open communication, therapy, etc. And it should be remedied--your spouse is more than your friend. Your spouse is your lover as well. If it's important to them, then it's important to you. If one of you has a problem, then the other one has a problem. That's how I feel about marriage. I've been in an 8 year long monogamous relationship myself, and though we weren't married by contract, for all intents and purposes, you could consider us married. Once he became like my room mate, or an old friend but not a lover, it was over. Once we started looking at sex like a chore, it was over. We hung on for a long time afterwards, but it wasn't good, and the relationship went from stagnant, to explosively destructive.

I don't have rose tinted glasses when it comes to falling in love, personally. So when you say "I do," and you intend to stick with a person for the rest of your life, you should mean it. And you should be intent upon making that other person happy, just as that other person should make you happy. If you waltz into a marriage with someone knowing there is an incompatibility that may not change, including sex, then you're setting yourself up for an unhappy life. Or a divorce. Either way you cut it though, you have a responsibility in maintaining a happy marriage. Hence the obligation, and why people should not marry sexually incompatible partners.
10/30/2012
RonLee RonLee
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I believe sex is an obligation in a marriage. An obligation by its very definition is something you commit yourself to by vows or promises.

Is sex in a marriage a chore? Only if you don't enjoy sex or your spouse, but I think the two words ... More
I quite like that line of thought. Thank you for sharing.
10/30/2012
Xarien Xarien
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
If a person goes into a relationship knowing that the sex is going to be minimal, despite their sex drive being incompatible with that person, or their sexual needs and desires differing drastically, then I'd call that person foolish. Over time ... More
The entire pretense for this argument is that you absolutely HAVE to have sex in order to be happy. While I agree that this undoubtedly hold true for the vast majority of people, I legitimately think that it's impossible to hold that logic for every person in the world that is or intends on marrying. There is no set of rules that applies to everyone in every marriage for every scenario.

"Sex is an obligation in a contract like marriage where you sign up for monogamy, not celibacy."

This comment is again dependent on the individual and what is understood before going into that contract. Because again, there isn't one definitive contract out there that we can all look up beforehand to understand what we're getting ourselves into. It's a case by case thing. I equate it to a polygamous marriage or one that simply has an open relationship. While I personally enjoy the feeling that comes with a monogamous relationship, I KNOW that polygamous relationships work and work well for some people. Nowhere on a marriage license does it say one has to have one sexual partner to have a happy marriage nor does it say how much sex a person must be willing to have with their partner to remain happy.

For some people sex is absolutely obligatory. They want and expect sex from their partner. I simply don't believe that it's an obligatory thing for ALL marriages.
10/30/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by Xarien
The entire pretense for this argument is that you absolutely HAVE to have sex in order to be happy. While I agree that this undoubtedly hold true for the vast majority of people, I legitimately think that it's impossible to hold that logic for ... More
Dude--reread my post. We are in agreement.
10/31/2012
charletnarouh charletnarouh
Absolutely not. i will not have sex if i don't want it. And i'm a submissive in a D/s relationship! i trust my Mistress that if i'm not in the mood or interested at the time, She will not pursue it. Not only that, but i would NEVER want a partner to have sex with me if she didn't want it and i hope that my partner would feel the same. i would never want my partner to put a smile on her face and just put up with it as a duty. If either partner feels like they have to do that, there's a major problem. Like, the relationship is in death throes, in my opinion. Worse, if one partner expects the other person to just pony up whenever they want it and thinks they should just "put a smile on their face" there's REALLY something wrong. i know that if my partner wanted that from me, even in a D/s relationship, i'd RUN not walk as far away from that relationship as i could.
Mind, if one partner simply isn't interested in sex and this is typical on a regular basis, as in, they're never or rarely interested in sex, there's also a big problem. In that case, either the couple has some serious work to do, or there's a medical problem, or they are incompatible in some way and need to reevaluate.
Sex is something i consider necessary in a relationship. i couldn't and wouldn't be with someone who didn't want to have sex and i couldn't and wouldn't be with someone i didn't want to have sex with. Which, funnily enough, is why i came out as a lesbian. Prior to coming out, i was with a man whom i loved and cared for but whom i wasn't attracted to or sexually interested in. i thought i could be with him anyway, give it up sexually when he needed it and deny my own needs, but ultimately, this didn't work for either of us and i wasn't happy. Sex is vital to my relationship and my happiness, but it's not something, in my opinion, that should ever involve one person doing it without wanting to and enjoying it.
i think that most people have sexual needs. If someone is with a partner with whom they NEVER enjoy sex, likely they have sexual needs and desires that aren't being met that they are denying or suppressing and that, to me, is the saddest part of this story. The mother in this story may have never had sex that she enjoyed but, unless she is autoerotic or asexual, which i think is rare but not unheard of or impossible, she is probably capable of enjoying some form of sex with the right person and it's terribly sad that she's never experienced this.
10/31/2012
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