The sex drive she has never had

dibberdabber dibberdabber
dibberdabber
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I am looking for advice from the female crowd concerning my wife. She has never had a true sex drive that works for us. I have toned down my comments, requests, and pretty much gave up on ever expecting things to change. We have been married for over 10 yrs. I have always felt that 90% of our sex life is just done to satisfy me but without the fire of desire from her. I have tried about everything I know to do to help things out from just going without, introducing toys, romance, anger, frustration, depressed from lack of attention...wait I got carried away there. She does work, and we have two kids so I know she is tired some. However, I cook, clean, wash clothes, and take the kids to school, so she has it good. She has suffered some depression in her life and the medication didn't help but she has been off of it for a year and we are doing better than ever except sexually. We do have sex and when we do 99% of the time she does reach orgasm. Just so I don't go too far, (or have I?) I know for a fact there(100%) is no one else....we are inseparable other than our work place and that is only 1/2 mile apart. 10 years of high sex drive for me and 10 years of low sex drive for her. I know she has her complaints too, but any suggestions will be tried if they are reasonable.
03/02/2010
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Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I can sympathize - luckily for me after 15+ years of obligatory sex, my wife finally decided 'get into it'! The change has been fantastic. When I inquired about the change she just said that she decided to seize the opportunity. I believe she started hearing from her girlfriends how their husbands had lost interest in sex - and how frustrating that was for them. Rather than risk me loosing interest - she decided to stoke my interest.

Not sure I can claim any effect - except that I never stopped pushing - albeit gently.
03/02/2010
Heather Heather
This is a good place to look for ideas. I’ve seen other discussions on the topic and make every effort to read the threads. I’ve had similar issues over the years for many reasons. I think the general concession is every woman is different. There are so many factors that can affect sex drive it’s overwhelming. Some of the answers I’ve seen are, medication, illness, stress, kids, lack of sleep, time, weight, poor body image, lack of knowledge and the list goes on and on. Many of the mentioned can adjust your hormone levels, which is something she may want to speak with her doctor about. I would also ask the doctor about some of the herbal remedies available on the market before I would jump to a prescription medication. If there is no medical reason for her lack of drive, she needs to see what she is missing. Sex just isn’t about the orgasm. There are so many things to enjoy and discover. Ask her to check out EF, this is a safe place to ask questions, read reviews on toys and learn about sex and what new things may turn her on. Has she ever been spanked, tied up, blindfolded and tickled? How about porn? It’s not what it used to be and may-be there is something new out there she would like. I would also encourage her to masturbate either alone or in front of you. You said you have kids? Tell your wife you’re taking them out for pizza and she needs to sit in a warm bath with a new vibe and a mirror. Let her find what turns her on. Try some of the lotions for women’s pink parts to fire them up. You could also just give up on having “sex” with her and just be intimate. Kids in bed, lights low, bedroom warm, massage candle, tell her to strip and give her a full body massage with no sex. On that idea you could also look into a yoni massage that you can do or someone else can do. Yep, you can go to any number of locations and have a woman give your wife a yoni massage. Best of luck and I hope more people in the community give you some ideas. There are some great people in this community who I’m sure have more ideas to share.
03/03/2010
dibberdabber dibberdabber
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I can sympathize - luckily for me after 15+ years of obligatory sex, my wife finally decided 'get into it'! The change has been fantastic. When I inquired about the change she just said that she decided to seize the opportunity. I believe she ... More
I am looking for the change you found. I don't plan on giving up but sometimes it is frustrating. Thanks for your comment
03/03/2010
dibberdabber dibberdabber
Quote:
Originally posted by Heather
This is a good place to look for ideas. I’ve seen other discussions on the topic and make every effort to read the threads. I’ve had similar issues over the years for many reasons. I think the general concession is every woman is different. There are ... More
Thanks for the insight. I have tried to mention the herbal items but no luck that way. I have introduced some toys and got minimal response. Took the kids and left her with some alone time which helps with the stress for her but not much else. The massages work great....now I am almost expected to give them but I don't mind. The masturbation thing only works when the mood is right. I think I will just give her a coupon to pick out her own toy and see how that works. I will look into some of the other items mentioned as well. Will see....Thanks for the comments
03/03/2010
graydog graydog
My wife had really poor sex drive. Her family also has a history of depression. She tried a number of antidepressants and Welbutrin works well for her. Since the depression is under control the mood swings are almost gone. It makes sense that an antidepresant helps the sex drive because it makes the chemicals in the nervous system work like they are supposed to. A depressed person has a nervous system that is broken for some reason, it is not something that a person can wish away. It is just like a broken leg, if that bone is broken you need to fix it. In most depressed people the correct chemicals are in their nervous system but they only work part time. An antidepresant makes the chemicals that are there already complete the job they start.

Since my wife switched to her current medication she is much more orgasmic, she had them before but now multiples are almost commonplace and never had them before. Sex also picked up alot after I had a vasectomy, the lack of that concern seemed to be a big deal.
03/16/2010
Darling Dove Darling Dove
This bothers me that nobody has suggested it since its usually first in EVERY problem thread..
Have you honestly just privately talked to her and asked her why she does not enjoy sex? Make it clear that you're trying to make it better for her, and maybe once she notices she will put in some effort as well? Just ask what she would like to do, what she needs from you, and see how it goes?

The doctor is a good option. But not many women can, while in stirrups with an old man's head 'tween their legs say what their issues are. Honestly every time I go to the Gyno I'm in too much shock to do anything more than answer whatever he asks, and sometimes not even that. So, try asking her what she would like and make it clear that you are trying for her sake. Maybe she has some issues from her childhood or something, maybe she was raised to think sex is dirty, there are thousands of problems there could be that are her internal problems and you may be able to help, but not if you don't ask and find out what they are.
03/16/2010
dibberdabber dibberdabber
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Dove
This bothers me that nobody has suggested it since its usually first in EVERY problem thread..
Have you honestly just privately talked to her and asked her why she does not enjoy sex? Make it clear that you're trying to make it better for ... More
This I will do tonight. I have tried most everything. We have talked before about some of the issues, but as we grow in our marriage, I find she reveals more in depth feelings. Thanks for the advice
03/17/2010
dibberdabber dibberdabber
Quote:
Originally posted by graydog
My wife had really poor sex drive. Her family also has a history of depression. She tried a number of antidepressants and Welbutrin works well for her. Since the depression is under control the mood swings are almost gone. It makes sense that an ... More
I hear what you are saying. She has been on the antidepressants before and her sex drive actually got worse. Of course, the right doses are needed in order to work. So over time and trying different meds, the inconsistencies reduced. She is off her meds now and has been for over 1 1/2 yrs. The vasectomy, however, has not been considered. Looks like a I have another option to consider. Thanks
03/17/2010
LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by dibberdabber
This I will do tonight. I have tried most everything. We have talked before about some of the issues, but as we grow in our marriage, I find she reveals more in depth feelings. Thanks for the advice
Dealing with depression is an important thing. Being depressed can seriously impact your desire for sex, but so can taking medications for it. So, either way, it's likely impacting her desire.

It sounds as if she is enjoying it when you do have sex, since you mentioned she does orgasm. Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure she's orgasming? It's a common thing for some women to fake it or tell you they've had an orgasm to please you and not have to deal with talking about finding ways to bring her pleasure.

Try pampering her with sensual, but not sexual activities. Give her massages without the intent to have sex, but simply to bring her pleasure and relaxation.

Darling Dove is absolutely on the right track.. communication is vital. You'll need tons of it. If she's not comfortable talking about your sex life, ease her into it and come back to it often... Practice makes perfect. The more it's a topic of conversation, the more comfortable she will, hopefully, become. The more comfortable she feels, the more likely she will be to open up and discuss what her issues are, what she likes, things she might like to try.

Focus on her, but don't focus on what's wrong with her, take a more "what's wrong with us" approach. Don't put large amounts of pressure on her to open up, but do use websites like this one, movies, news stories on sexual topics to try and foster conversation at every opportunity.

Consider seeing a sex therapist together, if you have truly reached the end of your ideas and made no progress in getting her to open up.
03/17/2010
VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
I used to have a very low sex drive because, most of the time, sex was painful for me and I couldn't get past the pain or the discomfort. That has improved and I have begun to enjoy sex more and have developed a rather high sex drive.

Perhaps it is uncomfortable for her? Maybe she had a traumatic experience with sex in her life before you and she were together? I have no idea, but those are two questions that pop into my head immediately just from my past and my life experience.

I agree with Laurel on the note of seeing a sex therapist. It's not a bad idea and your wife may be able to think on and be able to explain why she does not have as high of a sex drive as you.
03/18/2010
dibberdabber dibberdabber
I am really appreciate the advice and insight being provided. I can't express how much it means to me. I never thought it would feel so good to talk about it. Thank you!
03/18/2010
Boobs and Lubes Boobs and Lubes
I had similar issues, all the information you have gotten so far is right on. There are so many factors that come into play. For us it was birth control, affecting her hormones. I got a vasectomy a year ago and it made all the difference in the world. But communication, depression, medication all make a big difference.
03/18/2010
Total posts: 13
Unique posters: 8