This Week's Edition of Sex and The Suburbs is Up--And I Need Your Help!

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This Week's Edition of Sex and The Suburbs is Up--And I Need Your Help!

Wise Young Mommy Wise Young Mommy
Hey readers, Petra here--writer and creator of Sex and The Suburbs. Today we discuss moms and body image issues--UGH. If you are anything like me, this is a big issue in the bedroom. Tell me what you think about the article and share your stories with me so that we can get into this topic further in the future. What are your biggest insecurities? How have you overcome them or dealt with them? What's your favorite sexual position? (OK, that one has nothing to do with body image, but whatever). You can e-mail me at sexandthesuburbs2009@g mail.com if you want to remain anonymous or leave me a comment here.

Also feel free to send me ANY other stories, experiences or questions you may have. This column is for you, so I want to know what YOU want to know. What else should be talk about and pick apart? BDSM? Threesomes? Sexless marriage? YOU tell me and I will write about it.

Thanks for reading and let's get this discussion going!
06/10/2009
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Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
The article was fantastic. I'm a long way away from those days since my son is soon to be 16 (and I can't blame my body issues on him any more. Heh) but you brought them back, clear as day. Um. Wait. I don't know if that's a good thing...



Seriously, though, my biggest issue sexually after giving birth was having no desire for it. Total mommy mode; all I wanted to do was sniff that baby head and raspberry that baby belly and gawk at his rubberband wrists and cuddle and feed and be... mommy. It was almost like my body (and dad's) ceased to exist so when it came time for sex I just stared blankly...

You want to what? Why?
06/10/2009
Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
I don't have kids, but my mom loves to talk about our childhoods, and she let it slip that it took her 5 years to have my brother and I because she was more in to being a "mommy." But my dad was the same way; he was really more in to being "daddy." I doubt they completely stopped having sex, but with demon spawn like my sister running around while both of them worked and suffered through Reaganomics, they definitely had their hands full and were exhausted by the end of the day. Apparently, the only reason my mom tried to get pregnant again was because my dad and grandma started working on her: my dad said he wanted a son and my grandma said it was selfish to have just one kid. So even then, everything was running on "parent mode" rather than "I want sex" mode, LOL!

I always wonder if worrying a LOT about your body post-baby is a modern thing, brought about by the more recent obsession with being thin. I mean, my parents called a good marriage "a comfortable old shoe," and I know a lot of peoples' weights moved up and down in the old days because of babies, money, life, and people still had sex with their partners without batting an eyelash. Insecurity is really on the rise these days.
06/10/2009
Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
^ Not trying to ream on people who are insecure. It's perfectly understandable to feel insecure after your body has been through so many changes. It's just that in my experience, people these days worry way more about their bodies than they did in previous generations.
06/10/2009
Nashville Nashville
Quote:
Originally posted by Backseat Boohoo
^ Not trying to ream on people who are insecure. It's perfectly understandable to feel insecure after your body has been through so many changes. It's just that in my experience, people these days worry way more about their bodies than they ...
I feel that society has really perpetuated the importance of being thin. With pop culture we're bombarded with women who wear sample sizes. My mother's generation had women such as Marilyn Monroe (she peaked at a size 16) to aspire to be like, unfortunately, I'm stuck with Nicole Kidman or Nicole Richie.. the truly rubenesque women of our time like Kim Kardashian, lie to the tabloids and report that they're a size 4 or 6 when they're clearly a 12 or 14 - which does nothing to help the suburban wives or urban teen girls.

All the celebrity magazines report stars as losing the baby weight a merely 4, 6, or 12 weeks after they gave birth. That is unrealistic for women that cannot afford personal trainers or personal nutritionists. You make do with what you can. 5 years later and I'm still struggling, hormones fluctuate and an increase of estrogen creates the opportunity to binge on comfort food to quell my nerves and sedate all my stressors.


As far as the changing bodies go, I have a 4 year old. I realized the first day after delivery I was never going to get my body back. The episiotomy, leaking breasts, and soft stomach let me know that sex was never going to be the same and it's not. Even after repeated kegel exercises and gym time, dietary plans, I don't feel or look like that same flexible, thin woman I once used to be. I have bags under my eyes from the everyday worrying over my son and love handles from the constant request of Mac N Cheese.
06/10/2009
Wise Young Mommy Wise Young Mommy
Quote:
Originally posted by Nashville
I feel that society has really perpetuated the importance of being thin. With pop culture we're bombarded with women who wear sample sizes. My mother's generation had women such as Marilyn Monroe (she peaked at a size 16) to aspire to be ...
You guys are all SO right on! It's great to hear that you can relate to the issue, and I TOTALLY agree with Sleeping Dreamer and Backseat Boohoo on the media perpetuating the issues and the celebrities creating completely unrealistic expectations for moms. (As a matter of fact, that is an idea I have for a future column, so I can definitely use that feedback!)

We need to somehow find a balance and a comfortable middle ground where we are comfortable with our bodies AND realize that they are not going to be the same, and that is OK. Definitely throw away the Star Magazines and stay away from TMZ, E Insider and Entertainment Tonight!

Hey, I can also use more moms that are willing to be interviewed for my book, so if any of you ladies would be so obliged, please e-mail me and I will send you the survey or we can hook up via chat.

Keep it coming!!!
06/10/2009
Jaonei6726 Jaonei6726
Quote:
Originally posted by Wise Young Mommy
Hey readers, Petra here--writer and creator of Sex and The Suburbs. Today we discuss moms and body image issues--UGH. If you are anything like me, this is a big issue in the bedroom. Tell me what you think about the article and share your stories ...
I don't recall ever being embarrassed by the way my body looked after giving birth. What I DO remember is my husband not coming near me for about 6 months after my oldest was born. I neary left him becasue I felt so unwanted and undesired. Years later, he said he was afraid I'd get pregnant again (total bullshit)

My way of thinking was, you are part of the reason why my body looks like this, so get over it. I also think my husband as fooling around with other women throughout our marriage. I have no proof of this, with the exception of the last one (which is why we're no longer married).

Happily, I've been with a man for the past 3 years who thinks I'm quite sexy and wants to play with me all the time! Such a change from the married years!!!
For years, I put up with the man who was tired, had a fever, a headache, yada, yada, yada, and that was when he was young! Now, with my "significant other", we play often! I never used a sex toy until the past few years (wouldn't dream if it when I was married!) Who knew how fun and what a turn-on that could be! I'm having more fun and more sex now, in my 50s, than I did in the past 27 years. Go figure!

And to hell with the saggy boobs and the saggy belly! I love him with his "pregnant belly", he can love me with my mom body.
06/10/2009
Wise Young Mommy Wise Young Mommy
Quote:
Originally posted by Jaonei6726
I don't recall ever being embarrassed by the way my body looked after giving birth. What I DO remember is my husband not coming near me for about 6 months after my oldest was born. I neary left him becasue I felt so unwanted and undesired. ...
I love it! You have such a great attitude and I am glad that you found someone who appreciates you for you and fuels your fire! Fantastic! Thanks for sharing
06/10/2009
exile1313 exile1313
For me, infertility has played a big part in my negative body image:

My body is broken. It can never be fixed. It will never produce a child. I HATE it.

So why would anyone else love it? It can't even produce what sex is ultimately meant to produce so why bother?

And ultimately: I am less of a woman.

I'm struggling to get over these issues, and I know that they are solely *my* issues. My husband loves me, loves my body and loves the child we adopted together. We hope to adopt more, and feel truly blessed to walk that particular path.

But...I still hate my body for letting me down in such a basic way. I hate the small scars I bear from fertility surgeries and the huge one from my hysterectomy (I'm only 31). If it was a c-section scar I could at least view it as a badge of honor. As it is, it's just a reminder of my failures.

Maybe someday I'll be able to see beyond those failings, but it isn't today.
06/11/2009
Wise Young Mommy Wise Young Mommy
Exile, that is an excellent point to make, because I struggled with infertility issues myself, and I know so many women who have as well. That would be a good topic to cover in a future column, and I thank you for the feedback. If you have anything else you would like to add or would like to share your complete story, feel free to e-mail me at sexandthesuburbs2009@g mail.com.

Thank you again!!
06/11/2009
Mommysescape6.0 Mommysescape6.0
Quote:
Originally posted by Wise Young Mommy
Hey readers, Petra here--writer and creator of Sex and The Suburbs. Today we discuss moms and body image issues--UGH. If you are anything like me, this is a big issue in the bedroom. Tell me what you think about the article and share your stories ...
As always, I am so glad I read what you wrote. The thing about me is that after havingthe 6 kids, I am glad that I have put on the weight because when I first got pregnant I was weighing 98 pounds. Now I am at 140 pounds and look better. Do I wish I weighed less - you bet!!! I know I need to lose at minimum 15 pounds but am I able to do it? I haven't been able to between the school meetings, therapies, etc. there is no time for me. I started on the Wii Fit but that has not worked out because I don't have the time to do it either! Ugh!!! My husband loves the way that I look and hates the fact that I want to lose weight but I am not comfortable with it. I constantly get compliments on how great I look for having 6 kids and that nobody would guess I had 6 but do I like it? No. Do I feel sexy? No. Do I want to feel sexy? YES!!!!!!!!!
06/11/2009
Tuesday Tuesday
My son is 20 now but I remember the first time I looked at my abdomen after giving birth. I was horrified! It looked saggy, squishy and wrinkly like I might expect on an 80 year old. I can remember tucking in a shirt and not being able to tell by feel whether it was skin or shirt that needed more tucking in. Gross.

And I remember 2 months afterward, thinking that I was sort of back to my former size, trying on shorts that were big on me pre-pregnancy. I couldn't get them above my thighs as my husband stood by laughing.

And by a cruel trick of fate, after I stopped breastfeeding, my breast shrank back to a size far smaller than their pre-pregnant size.

Thankfully, after 20 years of exercise, I once again have a great abdomen. No more babies for me.
06/11/2009
Wise Young Mommy Wise Young Mommy
Quote:
Originally posted by Tuesday
My son is 20 now but I remember the first time I looked at my abdomen after giving birth. I was horrified! It looked saggy, squishy and wrinkly like I might expect on an 80 year old. I can remember tucking in a shirt and not being able to tell by ...
You give us hope Tuesday, maybe in 20 years I will have the body I want!

MommysEscape - Hats off to you for birthing 6 kids! I bet you look fantastic!
06/12/2009
Mamastoys Mamastoys
When I was pregnant with my son, I gained 40 pounds..and never lost it all. Having always faught my weight (and losing) I decided to like me for what I am. My smallest area is my butt and hips and even they grew with the pregnancy. The boobs- well they never went away after breastfeeding either. The stomach-it's there and will always be there. All that happened 24 years ago.

I exercise now more than I ever have and still have rolls and excess. But, I feel the best I've felt, I can live with my looks,and hubby still loves me for what I am. Sure, I'd like to drop about 30 pounds but if I don't, it's not a big thing to me.
06/12/2009
Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
Quote:
Originally posted by exile1313
For me, infertility has played a big part in my negative body image:

My body is broken. It can never be fixed. It will never produce a child. I HATE it.

So why would anyone else love it? It can't even produce what sex is ultimately ...
Oh, God, I know exactly how you feel. I never really wanted a huge family or anything; at the most, I planned on having 2 children tops much later in life so I could establish my career when I was younger. But now that I know it might not be possible for me to have children, I feel defective and broken.

It doesn't help that my mother, while generally supportive of my reproductive issues, thinks I should do anything to have blood-related children, even if it means enduring immense pain and no pleasure from intercourse, then delivering a baby through means that would permanently scar or damage my body. I'm not saying anything against women with scars caused by birth, but the notion that I should go through all of that just to have a baby, with no consideration for MY feelings or well-being, galls me. I'm sorry, but I am a little selfish that way.

I still wouldn't call myself "insecure," but I was much more confident when my fertility didn't matter to me and/or wasn't questionable.
06/12/2009
Wise Young Mommy Wise Young Mommy
Mamastoys - good for you! It's awesome that you are happy with your body and you feel confident in your husband's desire for you. That's exactly what we should all be striving for!

Backseat Boohoo - I am sorry to hear about your issues. Infertility is a TERRIBLE thing to go through and I totally understand what you are saying about the lengths some women have to go to, and not necessarily wanting to go that far. Thanks for sharing.
06/12/2009
Total posts: 16
Unique posters: 9