Coming out the closet as Bisexual

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Coming out the closet as Bisexual

Milk & Honey Milk & Honey
Please share your coming out story. How did you do it? How has it affected you and those around you, positively and negatively? Do you wish you had done anything different. Also please share any advice you may have as well after reading my story.

My story:

I realized or felt that I was bi ever since I was in my early teens. I came out to some of my friends when I was around 19 or so. At that point I hadn't yet been with another woman, but I did feel attracted sexually to other women. I was ridiculed, and ostracized, and things became awkward from then on between my so-called friends and I. So it took a few more years to work up the nerve to tell anyone else. I still have told only very few select people since.

I am now 31 and still not completely "out" though I would like to be. I just don't know how to go about telling my parents/family for fear of how it will change/affect the relationship. I am no longer worried of what friends will think as I now choose better friends.

My Dilemma:

I have a younger sister who came out as Bi, and I have seen how coming out to our family has affected her in negative ways. I am afraid of how my coming out will affect me, my family, my sister who is out, and my youngest sister. By coming out I am afraid that my family will assume that my youngest sister will automatically be gay or bi as well and place pressures on her to be anything other than who she truly is.

I am also currently in a long term heterosexual relationship, and some people seem confused when you are bi-sexual and dating someone of the opposite sex. It perplexes me. A lot of people have the misconception that if you are bi then you have to be dating both sexes at the same time or at least someone of your same sex. This, for me, complicates the situation. I would love to be completely out, but in addition to telling my family that would mean telling my bf's family and I really don't think they could even begin to understand or accept. I also feel it is unfair for my bf to have to take on this burden of mine as he is completely heterosexual. By burden I mean the burden of me declaring my sexuality to family (especially his), the world, and any backlash that may arise from it.

To summarize:

I am partially out, wanting to come completely out as bi, but afraid of the consequences of telling my family and especially my bf's family. Any advice on how to best handle the situation?

My sister says I am "Standing in the closet with the door open".
11/07/2010
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Darling Jen Darling Jen
As someone who is only 'sort of' out myself, I see no problem with your status quo as it already is. Especially if you're in a longterm, committed, monogamous relationship right now (no matter the gender). Unless you have plans on changing the terms of your relationship or inviting another sexual partner into the picture, then what does it matter making sure everyone knows your sexuality. It seems to be more useful to announce for people who are currently looking for a life partner, or at least inviting the possibility of a new sex partner into their relationship.

So the first question you should ask yourself is why do you want to announce it? Is it closure? Is it to change your current relationship? Is it to challenge opinions people hold about you? Is it to prove something? Is it to test the acceptance of your family and loved ones? Maybe you just need to announce it to embrace your identity and accept yourself?

Also, you make a very good point about how it could affect your younger sister negatively. I think it would actually be much more useful a conversation to have with her. Tell her about yourself and how you'd hate for your parents to change how they treat her based on their perceptions of her own sexuality. Tell her she can be herself and you'll accept her, but that you also know that you being what you are won't affect her. Then someone in your family will know and maybe it could even be inspirational to her. But of course, there's always the chance that she'll not take it very well. But only you could guess how she'll react and if the risk is worth it.

But the next question is, who deserves to know? If you're in a very serious relationship that you think could be your lifelong love, he deserves to know your concerns. It's not that it's "his business" so much as life partners shouldn't be afraid to talk to one another and to share their innermost thoughts. So even if you don't expect it to change anything, it might be a good conversation to happen and a weight may lift from your shoulders.

But enough preaching. My story is that I always had some kinda inkling that I was different. I went through phases of wondering what niche I fit into. And then I met my ex. I was still struggling with the "Am I straight?" question when I fell in love with another female. We were together 8 years and coming out of the closet was not an option. She was in the military. So eventually my folks knew and very close friends, but other than that it was a secret. And even with my family it was one of those things silently agreed to never be discussed. It instilled feelings of shame, definitely.

But now that I'm single again, I'm struggling anew with the "what am I?" and "how do I come out?" But the only reason I feel the need at all anymore to announce my sexuality is that I'm back on the dating scene and looking for my life partner who is out there somewhere. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel the need to shout my sexual preferences to the world because I'm a very reserved kinda person (in real life lol, not so much on EF ).

So... I know that was a wall of text. Forgive me. I hope I helped even the tiniest bit.
11/07/2010
CutiePatootie CutiePatootie
I agree a lot with Darling Jen up there. I'm a bi girl, married to a man, and we have "rules" for this situation but we enjoy bringing another girl into our sex life occasionally. I don't feel I need to come out as bi to the world since it would hurt more people (my husband's family, increasing problems with my family, etc.) than help. The people that are closest to me and are accepting of how we run our personal lives think it's great and we like to keep it on that positive note.

Is "standing in the closet with the door open" a bad situation for you? I kinda like that, those who want to can look in the closet, or whom you allow to can see in and everyone else can walk on by living their happy little lives being better for not knowing.
11/10/2010
SXEKAT SXEKAT
My Story: Growing up I was different. I knew I was different. I never liked to play with the girls or there dumb toys. I wanted to play rough and roudy with the other boys. there were some teasing here and there but nothing big. Over the course of time I went from the boys. to just hanging with girls and denying of being one. Then to just having multiple friends of both sexes. In elementary school I had a crush on my principal, the tough boy in class, and my female teacher. I never spoke to people about it so I kept it to my self. You could say I was kind of a sheltered child I didn't really know much about the private world of sex, sexuality, and gender until middle school when I actually discovered the terms Homosexual, Lesbian, and bisexual.

I give thanks to my english and highschool teacher who I discovered was Lesbian and gave more clear guidance to who I was. Like the story of Goldy locks and the three bears I tried all three before figuring out who I really was. I struggled to really say I was straight cause I knew I wasn't. and I hated to say I was lesbian when I really liked guys. So who was I? Highschool made it more clear to me.

MY group of friends was very diverse with race gender and sexuality. So really seeing where I stood on who I liked more men or women came clear to me. I loved both. I could never deny that I liked one more then the other so I realized I was bisexual. Long story now going on short. I came out to friends teachers, and classmates all through out high school. No problems. (some but very minor) Mom senior year perfectly fine with it. As of last summer my sister outed me to my uncle and aunt. perfectly fine with it.

There haven't been any problems with me being out to family and friends but I still need to keep it on the hush hush for some people I know, or those who will ridicule me. But when the opportune moment comes I'm as open as a book.
11/17/2010
SapphirexIce SapphirexIce
I come from a christian family so you can only imagine what they said when I told them. They thought it was a phase and i didn't say anymore. But I wonder to this day if they know at all?
02/27/2011
Ora87 Ora87
I am married and i came out to my husband the day we met. My mother found out because when i was 19 my girlfriend at the time and i were texting on my moms phone and i left the messages on there by mistake. She questioned me as to why she was saying how much she missed me and how i found her "spot" on her back lol. She assumed it was a phase until i started borrowing her car to visit my girlfriend. She didn't agree with my sexual preference but she accepted it although i did get the occasional joking about having finger babies it wasn't malicious though. My husband on the other hand accepted it right away from the beginning but now it seems it is causing a problem because i am having dreams and urges to have some girl on girl time. I don't want to leave my husband but every now and then i need and or yearn to be with another woman and he is against it. I remain faithful but i still get the urge bad every now and then.
02/28/2011
Curves Curves
i told my mother i had something to tell her, but i couldn't say it out loud because i was to nervous. so i wrote it on a sticky note "i'm bisexual" and handed it to her. the first words out of her mouth were "oh, that's okay. you had me all nervous it was something bad!"

haha, i love my mom.
04/14/2011
Sangsara Sangsara
I think all of the above would make great Sexis submissions. Personally I had no trouble coming out because I knew it at very young age. Too young to write about here. I kept my mouth shut about it until gr 10 because I went to high school in a very redneck ( as we call the attitude in Canada ) high school in the early 90's where you would get beat up just for admitting that you WEREN'T homophobic. Of course I never pretended to be prejudiced in any way but I slipped under the radar until I found and helped make a group of " freaks" as we were called from all 7 highschools in my city who became either openly gay lesbian bi or supportive and proud of it. We protected each other mostly with humor and nonviolence for it was actually the straight guys in our group that took the most flak. It was easy compared to the stories I've heard from friends who came from smaller towns and I consider myself very lucky to have had such great friends. I seriously cannot remember a time where I wasn't attracted to both males and females but I always stuck to male relationships with a bunch of female hookups thrown in. Now at 35 I'm finally ready to consider a romantic or committed not just sexual relationship with another female but I'm also ready to consider polyamory so we'll see what happens. Maybe a relationship with a male and female will bridge the gap until I can handle having a GIRLFriend who isn't just a female friend.
07/11/2012
Sangsara Sangsara
I think all of the above would make great Sexis submissions. Personally I had no trouble coming out because I knew it at very young age. Too young to write about here. I kept my mouth shut about it until gr 10 because I went to high school in a very redneck ( as we call the attitude in Canada ) high school in the early 90's where you would get beat up just for admitting that you WEREN'T homophobic. Of course I never pretended to be prejudiced in any way but I slipped under the radar until I found and helped make a group of " freaks" as we were called from all 7 highschools in my city who became either openly gay lesbian bi or supportive and proud of it. We protected each other mostly with humor and nonviolence for it was actually the straight guys in our group that took the most flak. It was easy compared to the stories I've heard from friends who came from smaller towns and I consider myself very lucky to have had such great friends. I seriously cannot remember a time where I wasn't attracted to both males and females but I always stuck to male relationships with a bunch of female hookups thrown in. Now at 35 I'm finally ready to consider a romantic or committed not just sexual relationship with another female but I'm also ready to consider polyamory so we'll see what happens. Maybe a relationship with a male and female will bridge the gap until I can handle having a GIRLFriend who isn't just a female friend.
07/11/2012
Total posts: 9
Unique posters: 8