Dirty jokes: Please share them here.

Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
I couldn't believe when I searched the forum that I couldn't find a thread for dirty jokes. So I decided to start one. Please share your dirty jokes here so that we can all have a laugh or two.

If your joke is on the extreme side, you might want to post a warning at the beginning. Something like:

WARNING: This joke is rated XXX

Hopefully, everyone will understand that this is DIRTY joke thread and if they are offended by such things, they can simply choose not to read it.
06/30/2011
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Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
I'll start off with what I would consider a PG-13 joke.

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"
06/30/2011
GravyCakes GravyCakes
a man walks past an old folks home on the way to the store & sees 3 old women lying naked outside sunbathing. on his way back from the store, the 3 old women are still lying naked outside. he goes into the home & talks to 1 of the nurses. "sir, did you know that 3 of your residents are outside sunbathing naked on the front lawn?"

the male nurse looks at him & says, "yes sir, & they're not sunbathing. they're retired hookers & they're having a yard sale."
06/30/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by GravyCakes
a man walks past an old folks home on the way to the store & sees 3 old women lying naked outside sunbathing. on his way back from the store, the 3 old women are still lying naked outside. he goes into the home & talks to 1 of the nurses. ... More
LOL! Good one Princessica.
07/01/2011
lilscorpiosweet lilscorpiosweet
A guy asks his wife "Can I cum in your ear?" She says "No because it will make me deaf." The guy responds back to her "Well I have been cumming down your throat and you are still talking."
07/05/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
I'm not sure if this really counts as a dirty joke, but it made me laugh:

A married couple are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here", the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager..

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid!
07/26/2011
Total posts: 6
Unique posters: 3