I always wanted to have two to four children. After my first fiancee and I got together I became pregnant at 18 after taking antibiotics for my dual rear infections. We lost her at 12 weeks.
About 7-8 months later, he went to California for a new job and I stayed behind to let him get settled before I moved down there--and found out I was pregnant again---with twins. He abandoned our relationship before I could let him know and I miscarried again at about 12-14 weeks.
When my ex-husband and I got together, I was again battling ear infections and on antibiotics. I became pregnant and was terrified beyond belief about losing the baby---12 weeks, 13 weeks, 14 weeks and I was still pregnant. I was put on bedrest at 5 months due to toxemia. They wanted to take her via c-section after 6 1/2 months. My blood pressure was critically high and I was gaining around 35-56 pounds of water weight PER DAY. I spent the remainder of my pregnancy in and out of the hospital---I would NOT let her be born that soon.
At 8 months and one week--the baby was under serious duress and there was no other option. They induced labor and a few hours later--they prepped me for my c-section when her heart stopped beating. They had her out 8 minutes later--gave me a spinal block to speed the process.
My beautiful daughter is going to be 22 next month!!! That was the best day of my life---when I delivered my live baby girl and heard her first cry.
I lost another baby after that, but had found out my issue was not my being underweight (5'2" and 88-94 pounds--but severe endometriosis. It had spread to the external areas of other organs and destroyed a lot of areas.
I had a complete hysterectomy 3 months later due to the rapid regrowth of the tissue. And THAT was from the cancer on my ovaries.....
---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- -------
So sorry about the losses of your children!! It never goes away, but you do heal and find an inner peace. The babies are still with you, in your heart, dreams and hopes for the future--it is up to you how you choose to honor them and their memories and the love you feel for the babies. I wish I could give you a HUGE hug.
Get a complete physical and make sure you have no underlying health issues. Become involved in something that will help bring you peace and value. My sympathy and hope goes out to you!! If you need someone to talk or have questions--feel free to message me!!