Dating... And Asexual?

Envy Envy
I need some opinions on this as it's really bothering me subconsciously and all.

Well, 3 months ago i found out my bf was cheating on me, and he ended up dumping me and choosing the other girl and ran away with her, leaving behind friends and family, not contacting anyone, etc. Needless to say this has hurt immensely, especially after I was basically made to feel like it was all my fault and that all he did was justify his actions and saying that people were making it out like he was a monster when all he was doing was looking out for himself to be happy.

Anyway, while dating him, about a year into it I pretty much lost my sex drive. (Do note we dated for 4 years.) I was on birth control, and after 2 years on it I stopped it and have been off it about 2 years now. No change. I still have little to no libido, I'm never in the mood, I can't get turned on, etc. I used to be horny as hell, but once I hit 20, it's like everything just completely stopped. I figure this was one big reason why he left me.

So now i run into a problem: when i feel ready to move on and date, how can i have a meaningful and healthy relationship? I have asked my guy friends their honest opinion, and they told me they could not, 100%, stay with a girl they can't get anything from, or barely get anything from.

Granted I can feel attracted to someone, but I never really feel in the mood to have sex with them. And when i try, I just lose my mojo completely and don't want to do anything, so I please them but do not allow them to touch me or reciprocate the favor at all.

Also, i have tried seeing doctors about this, feeling it's not normal in the slightest, and i have been turned away each and every time, saying they can do nothing for me. They won't even refer me to have tests done at all. All I've had done was have my thyroid checked, and it was completely normal.

Needless to say, this has left me extremely depressed and feeling like i would be nothing but a failure of a gf to any guy who wants to date me. I have had guys interested in me, too, but when they found out of my lack of libido, they basically turned away. And the rare times i do feel things, i take care of it myself, not wanting to be touched or anything because I just don't get any pleasure from most 'normal' things one would, such as kissing, heavy petting, etc.

I guess I wonder if me dating it a moot point and should I just give it up? What can i do about my lack of libido? Are there any types of doctors i can see that will help me? I've already been to two OBGYNs and was turned down by both of them.

And if anyone is wondering my age, I'll be 24 tomorrow (Aug 7), and I've heard that at my age women should be sexually active what with their bodies wanting to have babies and all.
08/06/2011
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Annemarie Annemarie
Perhaps you don't need a boyfriend, per se, but an asexual friend who is male? It wouldn't need to be at all physical, just emotional.

I don't have any experience with asexuality, but I do know some people lean that way. I don't think you should give up looking, or should you feel like a failure. Hormones are very weird and complicated for everyone. Have you seen an endocrinologist?

I don't want to say that it's not "normal," (which would be like saying being gay isn't "normal"), but if you are concerned, you should keep trying to find someone who can help. Perhaps a therapist? It could be something psychological instead of physical.
08/07/2011
Wild Orchid Wild Orchid
From what I heard the asexual community is very welcoming to people who want to figure out the issues with their sexuality. You don't have to pledge undying allegiance to them to be accepted. It's fine to have a stint there, ask yourself some questions and then decide to stay or drift away depending on the answers.

If you lost your sex drive, especially if the shift was so strong, it's important that you exclude physiological changes that could cause that. Try to find a doctor who can see this as a potential symptom and not your caprice.

Aside from the hormonal issues there is also the interpersonal aspect. If a person has a lower libido and they feel pressured to ramp it up it can create feelings of inadequacy or resentment that can kill that fragile libido. Your ex-boyfriends inexcusable behavior deeply hurt you and that will put a damper on things until you heal from this break-up. Don't pressure yourself and don't blame yourself for his behavior. If he was unhappy and didn't see the potential in your relationship he should have ended it in a respectful manner instead of cheating. He had no obligations that prevented him from doing that.
08/07/2011
Envy Envy
Thanks for the responses guys. I am seeing a therapist currently once a month, I'll bring it up to her when I can.

As for an endocrinologist, I have tried asking for referrals to see one through my OBGYNs, but she refused as did the one i saw for a second opinion, saying that i am 'too young' to have an accurate reading of my hormones due to them fluctuating so much. I think that's rather BS at the age of 24 since I am done and over with puberty and have been pretty much 'flat-lined' since the age of about 20. I wonder, however, can I go to my GP and tell him what's wrong and ask for a referral?
08/08/2011
Ansley Ansley
I know a girl who is asexual and she has found a life partner in a female friend who is also asexual. They live together, make goals together, share their lives together and pool their resources together. They even sleep in the same bed at night and cuddle; there's just no sex involved. Both of them seem to be extremely happy with this arrangement and it works for them.

So, I guess I'm sort of suggesting something similar. There's also the option that you be up front and say you want the companionship and they can find sex elsewhere, but that's an option that may or not be right for you and it's something you'll have to think about.
08/08/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Hon, you need to assert yourself in the doctor's office and tell them that not having a sex drive is NOT "normal" that there certainly ARE things they can do about it, and you want to be treated as an adult and as a human being. Imagine if a 24 year old man walked into a doctor's office and said he had no sex drive? They'd be all over him doing tests to "save him" from this affliction.

You need to be polite but assertive. Doctors (and I've worked with many of them) usually go off of the vibes you are giving them. If they tell you "There's nothing we can do" and you just shrug and walk away, most of them feel like they dodged a bullet. If you INSIST that you be treated fairly and feel you deserve to treated fairly, a good doctor will help you.

I suggest going to a University Teaching Hospital and seeing a MALE OBGYN there. University Teaching Hospitals usually not only have the best staff, but they are better trained than doctors at Community Hospitals. Also, I have found that male doctors usually take female complaints more seriously. Female doctors have to be hale and hearty stock to get through med school, residency etc, and often they have little empathy for other women they, unfairly, see as "weak." Believe me I've worked with a LOT of doctors and I'd take a man any day. All my own doctors are men, as well.

There is testing and treatment for a problem like yours. But, you need to be assertive and let them know you NEED to be helped.

Good luck, honey. There is hope for this problem.
08/08/2011
Envy Envy
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Hon, you need to assert yourself in the doctor's office and tell them that not having a sex drive is NOT "normal" that there certainly ARE things they can do about it, and you want to be treated as an adult and as a human being. Imagine ... More
I'll message you more on the problem, you seem to be very knowledgeable and maybe can help? I hope that's okay.

To clarify, too, i have seen both a female and male OBGYN, both turned me away, but the guy did do the thyroid test--after that he said there was nothing he could do.
08/08/2011
Jul!a Jul!a
When I was trying to figure out this exact problem, I also had my hormone levels tested. Unfortunately everything came out as "normal" so there was no "real" reason for why I would have had a libido when I was younger, but didn't when I got older. I get in the mood on occasion, but for the most part the only reason I end up having sex is because my husband gently keeps pushing. Most of the time it isn't that I'm not in the mood, I'm pretty neutral and can swing one way or the other.

You deserve to have a doctor that listens to what you have to say and will do their best to work with you on this. While it may be "normal" for some people to have little to no active sex drive, if you don't feel it's normal for you, you absolutely have the right to explore options. Stress can definitely play a huge roll in your libido's height, and I know you've mentioned having little privacy and helping to care for your father. That can absolutely affect your libido. And when I brought this up to my OBGYN, I didn't get much. I had to bring it up to my psychiatrist to start getting to what might be causing it.

For me, I've found that sort of going with the flow can help. I haven't found anything that just magically makes me in the mood, but there are things that help. Reading erotica or quietly watching porn at night when you do get some privacy might help put you in the mood enough that you'd want to use your toys. Having active play like that can coerce your body into being more in the mood more often sometimes. Otherwise if you're dating and it comes up, unless you're actively not in the mood, try to just go with it if you can. A lot of times I'm not extremely into it until we're started and going at it.

Either way, lots of hugs and keeping my fingers crossed for you. There's nothing wrong with not having an extremely active sex drive, but there's also nothing wrong with trying to get back what you had before.
08/08/2011
Envy Envy
Thank you very much Sam for your input, it means a lot. I'll see if maybe talking with my GP will work, or look into what PGell suggested. I will also talk more to my therapist about this and see what can be done, if there are books i can read, etc.

Just got my lovely Kindle, too, hope i can find some good ebooks to read that'll help.
08/08/2011
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
I'm sorry - I don't really have any advice for you, at least none that hasn't been said before. I went through a time when I suspected I might be asexual, but that's gone now, so I don't know what's different with me.

I do want to offer my support and wish you the best, though. You deserve to be happy, whatever solution you land on, and I hope your search isn't too long or arduous. *hugs*
08/31/2011
Envy Envy
Quote:
Originally posted by Rin (aka Nire)
I'm sorry - I don't really have any advice for you, at least none that hasn't been said before. I went through a time when I suspected I might be asexual, but that's gone now, so I don't know what's different with me.

I ... More
Thank you for the kind words. *hugs*
09/02/2011
Rhinobaby Rhinobaby
Quote:
Originally posted by Envy
I need some opinions on this as it's really bothering me subconsciously and all.

Well, 3 months ago i found out my bf was cheating on me, and he ended up dumping me and choosing the other girl and ran away with her, leaving behind friends ... More
Asexuals can and often do engage in romantic, meaningful relationships. Communication is key to this working out, as is staying true to yourself and not doing anything that makes you uncomfortable. Best of luck!
04/04/2012
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 8