How do you know when a relationship is over...? - from Em and Lo

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How do you know when a relationship is over...? - from Em and Lo

Em & Lo Em & Lo
Well, obviously when someone says "I think we should stop seeing each other," that's a pretty clear soon. But are there ways to tell this is going to happen days, weeks, or even months before those words are uttered? (Whether they're said by you or someone else?) Does kissing suddenly seem gross? Do you find yourself irrationally irritated? Spending inordinate amounts of time on Facebook (or the EF forums...)? How do YOU know when a relationship is nearing its expiration date?
03/17/2010
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Gary Gary
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
Well, obviously when someone says "I think we should stop seeing each other," that's a pretty clear soon. But are there ways to tell this is going to happen days, weeks, or even months before those words are uttered? (Whether ...
I have always turned to sad old country songs for all my relationship advice.

"If she's talking about leaving, then she's already gone" - David Allen Coe
03/17/2010
Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
I think a lot of those "signs" are not necessarily signs at all, especially in long term relationships.

Once you've been with someone 5, 10, 15 years, you naturally go thru ebb and flow times in the relationship. If I was ready to toss in the towel every time one of us in my relationship started spending more time online or was less interested in sex or not in the mood to kiss, we'd never have made it this far. heh.

Really, really long relationships often go thru periods where the two can barely stand each other. Sometimes, they still prevail, the ebb begins to flow again and the relationship lasts another 20 years.

In a new relationship, though? Yeah, I'd say things like not wanting to have physical contact with the person - kissing, hugging, snuggling, having sex - or not wanting to see them, choosing to see friends or work over seeing your partner, etc, are probably pretty good signs.

I just hate to see relationships tossed away too easily based on signs that don't always mean it's over, that sometimes just mean you're human and need a break.
03/17/2010
Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by Carrie Ann
I think a lot of those "signs" are not necessarily signs at all, especially in long term relationships.

Once you've been with someone 5, 10, 15 years, you naturally go thru ebb and flow times in the relationship. If I was ready ...
Totally agree with you, Carrie Ann.

Additionally, I think people sometimes blame their unhappiness on their partners, too - so they think if they can "get free" of the relationship, they will suddenly be happy. I've seen this pattern so many times. Granted, people who have issues with dependency, depression, lack of motivation etc should probably work on themselves for a while. That being said, if you do feel that your partner is abusive or controlling or destructive, and is making your life miserable, then yeah - you need to assess and confront it.
03/17/2010
EffinSara EffinSara
I've known it was over when I just can't see the person in my future anymore. Trying to make the lives and careers of two people line up at this point in life (early 20's) is really difficult. At this point, if I've given the relationship a fair chance and we still don't quite mesh all the way... well, it's not worth changing my life plans for, and it's time to say goodbye.
03/17/2010
LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
I have always turned to sad old country songs for all my relationship advice.

"If she's talking about leaving, then she's already gone" - David Allen Coe
I cannot rectify this image of you, of Bitchslicer fame, listening to David Allen Coe.
03/17/2010
LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
Well, obviously when someone says "I think we should stop seeing each other," that's a pretty clear soon. But are there ways to tell this is going to happen days, weeks, or even months before those words are uttered? (Whether ...
Someone once told me that once you start speaking with contempt about your partner to other people, a sign you have lost respect for them, it's only a matter of time before it ends.

I've found this to be very true.

Also, when you can't seem to agree on anything, even things you know you agree about... there's a problem and if you don't deal with it, odds are you will be saying goodbye soon.
03/17/2010
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Carrie Ann
I think a lot of those "signs" are not necessarily signs at all, especially in long term relationships.

Once you've been with someone 5, 10, 15 years, you naturally go thru ebb and flow times in the relationship. If I was ready ...
Totally agree. In fact, I am trying to prove this to my husband right now who has said in clear terms that he thinks it is over. But people don't always know themselves very well and I do not think there is any single factor which should always be a deal breaker. People need to look at relationships realistically and usually that means taking a good, hard look in the mirror, too (Victoria sort of touches on that, too). In fact, I would say most relationships are FAR from over when people decide to end them simply because people are, well, human.. and they lack a deeper understanding of what makes relationships work.
03/17/2010
Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by LicentiouslyYours
I cannot rectify this image of you, of Bitchslicer fame, listening to David Allen Coe.
Are you kidding? We are both huge country fans, and weren't you at a show? They end with a Hank Williams cover, lady! (Gary actually put out acoustic albums too)
03/17/2010
Gary Gary
Quote:
Originally posted by LicentiouslyYours
I cannot rectify this image of you, of Bitchslicer fame, listening to David Allen Coe.
David Allen Coe is one of my all time favorites!
03/17/2010
Sir Sir
I actually have a hard time noticing "warning signs," sometimes. I tend to be ignorant to those things. But generally, I agree with Laurel, is the disrespect behind the partner's back - that's been the biggest one for me with relationships. When the recent partner of mine has said to other people rude things about me, that's a clear action that says, "Hm, maybe this is not the person you want to be with if you talk about them with such disdain."

Another big one is excessive lying. That says, "I do not want this, so I'll keep leading you on until you realize and leave me."

I also agree with what Victoria and Carrie Ann said. I especially like when Carrie Ann stated, "If I was ready to toss in the towel every time one of us in my relationship started spending more time online or was less interested in sex or not in the mood to kiss, we'd never have made it this far."

In my opinion, I feel that there's a difference with every relationship and every dynamic. The warning signs for all are different, and the people involved have to be the judge of whether it's done or if it's worth working on.
03/17/2010
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
I've only been in one relationship (2+ years and still chugging), but I agree that most couples go through push-pull cycles--push being "not today, honey" and pull being "hooray let's drown in each other's eyes". As long as healthy amounts of communication are still taking place, being in the "push" phase of a relationship isn't a warning sign that it's all over. However, if a couple is not only unable to communicate, but unwilling to, then that to me seems like a sign that something may be about to give.
03/17/2010
Sammi Sammi
I agree that in a long-term relationship the signs aren't what they necessarily would be in a short-term relationship. We've gone through ebbs and flows, but there's never been something that made either of us think we were hitting our "expiration date".
03/17/2010
Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
A lot of really great things have been said. Instead of taking up space reiterating it, I'll just say I agree with what y'all are saying and take up space doing my own babbling.

I've only been in one relationship, and we're in the odd phase of not being a short relationship anymore, but not having hit the big half-decade mark, either. As Sammi said, signs that mean the end in a short relationship can mean something very different in a long-term relationship. At this odd stage, a lot of people go through a period (sometimes years long) of re-defining what these signs mean, and whether or not they're still deal-breakers.

An example to illustrate. Early on, if I'd found myself looking with disgust on the thought of kissing and having sex with my boyfriend, I'd probably have taken that as a sign that it wasn't working, that it was time to end things. Now? It's happened, and it meant that there was a serious emotional issue that we needed to sit down and talk out. It didn't mean that we weren't right for each other or that the relationship was over, it was a sign that we needed to buckle down and work at our relationship more. And when we did? The disgust went away.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's so incredibly complicated that there's no sure way to know when a relationship's over, except when it's officially cut off. Anything that could be a flag that it's over could also be a sign that work needs to be done on the relationship. So many could go either way. What makes them flags is hindsight, when the relationship is over and you look back and wonder what you missed.
03/18/2010
Sundae Sundae
Of course it definitely depends on what type of relationship you have, but for me in the casual relationships I have, that don't stem from an earlier friendship, the usual sign of things starting to come to a close is not being willing to put in the time and energy to see the person as regularly. Whilst sometimes things do get in the way, if this becomes the norm and the thought of just some kinky time alone with them isn't even enough to spur me into action, then I know something is seriously wrong. I also find that starting to feel trapped or as if they're too clingy tends to be the deciding factor, even if their behaviours haven't changed, in my head somehow a switch has been flipped and I feel like I need to end it.

However, all of these things are strictly for casual relationships/sex partners, if it were something more serious I'd definitely be focused on working through issues, rather than abandoning ship when I started to feel that way. Though that doesn't mean I disregard the feelings of my casual partners, I make sure work to end things in a respectful and appropriate way, those are just the gut feeling I get when something just isn't going to work out for us.
03/18/2010
LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by Victoria
Are you kidding? We are both huge country fans, and weren't you at a show? They end with a Hank Williams cover, lady! (Gary actually put out acoustic albums too)
I was at the show, but would probably actually have listened to a Hank Williams song before I recognized a cover of it.

Hee hee, besides, I was just teasing!
03/18/2010
Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
Quote:
Originally posted by Luscious Lily
A lot of really great things have been said. Instead of taking up space reiterating it, I'll just say I agree with what y'all are saying and take up space doing my own babbling.

I've only been in one relationship, and we're in ...
Wow, well put, Lily!
03/18/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
It's when you start obsessively fantasizing of not having them in your life anymore, and it doesn't stop after a few weeks or months.
03/18/2010
GravyCakes GravyCakes
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
Well, obviously when someone says "I think we should stop seeing each other," that's a pretty clear soon. But are there ways to tell this is going to happen days, weeks, or even months before those words are uttered? (Whether ...
i think it's different for everyone. i've always been broken up w/, not the other way around, but i was able to see it coming every time. my personal experience has showed me that it's coming to an end when he doesn't want to hang out as much, he seems distant, like something just isn't quite right, it's harder to get a hold of him like when trying to call or text him, & w/ one he started constantly talking about other hot girls he would see & would go out & do stuff that i had expressed interest in doing together w/out me. Usually these were usually indicators for me that the end was near. my bf now started acting weird & was hard to get in contact w/, but when i confronted him about it, he was just stressed from all the stuff going on & had no intention of ending the relationship anytime soon. the 1 thing that i've learned through all of it is to confront them when something seems off & don't just sit around in denial assuming it's stress or something else. it always hurt more if i denied it.
05/05/2011
MrRainybowbow MrRainybowbow
kisses seem off, fights happen more often, irrated.ushally their the one to break up with me but i think i drive them to it.
05/05/2011
Total posts: 20
Unique posters: 15