Asking for Permission

Hannah Savage Hannah Savage
I have been dating the same man for a few years now. As I grow older, my interests in life are changing. I am wanting to go out more and spend time with friends, for example, when I used to prefer to be at home alone. This past summer I turned down a lot of invitations to friend's (and family's) parties/events/etc because I did not think that he would be comfortable with me going out and doing things without him.

You may ask, "Well then, why not just bring him along?". Well... I have asked him if he wants to go to this, that or the other place but it's almost always a "No, I don't feel good" or "It's too hot outside", or whatever. So when it comes down to it, if there is something I really want to do--say, go to the pool with my cousin--I will ask him for permission. ("I would really like to go to the pool with my cousin, is that okay with you?")

What I wanted to know is... Have any of you asked for permission from your partner to do something? And more importantly, why do you think we do this?
09/29/2010
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Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
I don't ask permission. I will, if I think something might make my boyfriend uncomfortable, ask if it would bother him (going out w/ a group of friends that includes a past boyfriend, things like that) if I go. I then weight how important the event and people involved are against how much it will bother him. If it's something that's near meaningless to me and I wouldn't mind missing and I know it would really irk him and he'd be waiting up for me or something like that, I pass, but if it's something I really want to do and it won't bother him, or just a little and he's ok dealing with it, I go. Although we lead our own separate lives, we also have a very important partnership with one another so we do our best to be satisfied with both.
09/29/2010
Alicia Alicia
Well, I don't really ask for permission, but I do I guess kind of ask... but for me it's because we have kids. So, if I'm going to go do something without him it's usually because he's going to need to watch the kids if I go. So, I ask him if he's ok with watching the kids but I don't really see it as asking for permission or anything. He's also never said that he wouldn't watch the kids because they're just as much his kids as they are mine..but I just feel it's more respectful to each other if we're not just assuming the other will stay home with the kids while we go out. In fact he actually encourages me to go out with a friend far more often than I do.

I don't really see anything wrong with saying "Do you care if I go to _______" or "Hey I'm going to go to ______, do you want to come too or would you rather stay home?" that way you're letting him know what you want to do and you're giving him the option to state his feelings, but you're not making it about permission and more about feelings.
09/29/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
I told my ex-husband outright - I was more social than him and he knew this, so he didn't have a problem when I told him.

The only problem was that he would always forget and would call my work or friends' houses, demanding to know where I was because I haven't made it home and I could have been in an accident ... That concerned a lot of my coworkers by how controlling he got about it. "Uh, dude, she's at that baby shower she told you about. Chill."

Needless to say that when they found out we separated, there was much cheering.
09/29/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
Well, I don't really ask for permission, but I do I guess kind of ask... but for me it's because we have kids. So, if I'm going to go do something without him it's usually because he's going to need to watch the kids if I go. ... More
I only ask out of politeness. If I am not home when expected, or he had something planned and our planned didn't sync, things wouldn't go well. Like Alicia, we have children, also, so either we have to do things together, or one of us has to be home with the Little Ones, or we have to get together to find someone to watch little ones.

Although he's The Man of the House, he still lets me know when he is going to be doing something without me, too. "Do you mind if I go to the Bears game on Oct __?" Then he reminds me about 1000 times....

It's just courtesy for each other's time and energy that we do this.

He is kind of a worrier. If I go out, say shopping, I can count on between 45 minutes to and hour and 15 minutes, I'll get a call seeing if I'm "OK." I think he's really not used to being alone in the house.
09/29/2010
Jul!a Jul!a
With my ex I would have to pretty much ask permission to go do anything even tho he was like, an hour away and wouldn't have been going with me anyway. I do sort of ask my fiance, but mostly because I kinda feel bad letting him sit at home even tho I know he won't want to go where I'm going.

I think we do it to subconsciously try and avoid any kind of conflict that may arise from doing things 'without permission.'
09/29/2010
Bon Bon Bon Bon
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I only ask out of politeness. If I am not home when expected, or he had something planned and our planned didn't sync, things wouldn't go well. Like Alicia, we have children, also, so either we have to do things together, or one of us has to ... More
Neither me nor my boyfriend ever really ask for permission to do anything; we just make sure and tell each other if we're going to be doing something one day, and we usually end up going together anyway.

I understand having to ask, though. I had an ex girlfriend who would freak if I did something with certain people, and I always felt like I had to ask. I'm not sure why.
09/29/2010
Persephone Nightmare Persephone Nightmare
I do ask my fiancé if I can do certain things. I actually asked him if I could start reviewing toys, lol. I wanted to make sure it was alright with him (since there'd be a possibility that I'd have to put some details of our sexual experiences (relevant to the product) out in the open on the internet. Not only that, but also I wanted to get his input on it, and luckily, he loved the idea, lol.

I think one of the main reasons I ask for permission is not only out of politeness, but also, like for me reviewing toys, I wanted to see if he thought it was a good idea and was something he believed would be safe for me to do. Alot of times he'll think of something in a different way than I do and see that it could be potentially risky. I know he wouldn't let me do something that could possibly be dangerous (and sometimes putting stuff on the internet can backfire horribly. I've heard all the horror-stories, lol).

But he knew that I had checked into the EF community well and that I saw it was a nice place, and besides, he's doted on me and bragged about the sexual-stuff I've done with him to his friends, lol, which can be just as risky as putting something on the internet. So he had no problems. He actually loves that I do reviews (and of course doted and bragged about that too, lmao).
09/29/2010
the bedroom blogger the bedroom blogger
Quote:
Originally posted by Persephone Nightmare
I do ask my fiancé if I can do certain things. I actually asked him if I could start reviewing toys, lol. I wanted to make sure it was alright with him (since there'd be a possibility that I'd have to put some details of our sexual ... More
I asked permission before reviewing too Luckily, the boyfriend is very supportive and is excited to try out some of the products himself.

Normally, though, neither of us ask permission. We run ideas and plans by each other, but we never ask if 'it's okay' to do this or that.
09/29/2010
Owl Identified Owl Identified
I think sometimes there are these ideas about what a relationship SHOULD look like in order to be "healthy," but really? I don't think anyone can say what is healthy for another person's relationship, y'know?

I think that if you and your partner are comfortable with this arrangement then right on. I do it a lot with my partner, too. Not about everything, but about going out and with different people, sure. It's not like if he ever said NO YOU CANNOT DO THAT ROAR that it would necessarily be end of story, but I like to ask a lot of the time because we can have a discussion about it. I especially do this when I am going out with people that could possibly end up being sexual partners (we have an open relationship.) I'll almost always say "I'm going to get together with this girl, is that cool?"

At the end of the day I'll do what I want, even if that means going against his preference. I have the right to do what I desire, although I also understand that my actions have consequences that I have to deal with. However, out of respect for my partner I ask his "permission," which is really more like asking his opinion. Even though I make my own choices, his opinion matters to me and can influence my decision because he's important to me. If I can see it's bothering him that I'm going out to a party with friends - for whatever reason he really seems to want my company on a particular - I will stay. Or sometimes I can tell he's just feeling a little insecure and doesn't want me to go out with someone if it means possibly having sex. In those cases I respect his feelings pretty much 98% of the time and just cancel the date. Sex isn't worth causing him anxiety of getting down on himself.

tl;dr Yeah, I'll ask for his opinion to go out with friends, go out on dates, things like that. Ultimately it's my decision but how he feels matters to me and can influence my decision.
09/29/2010
Persephone Nightmare Persephone Nightmare
Quote:
Originally posted by the bedroom blogger
I asked permission before reviewing too Luckily, the boyfriend is very supportive and is excited to try out some of the products himself.

Normally, though, neither of us ask permission. We run ideas and plans by each other, but we never ... More
That's how Synthetik is, lol. I'm so glad he supports me doing reviews I've noticed that he gets a twinkle in his eye when I tell him that I'm going to be getting an assignment in (and of course thinks it's awesome that I can have him try products, and that we can try them together as well, lol.)
09/29/2010
PassionQT PassionQT
It's called being honest and communicating. Nothing wrong with that. I go out with my male friends and always ask my partner if it's ok, since he would be the one watching the kids. It's just common courtesy.

It would be different if he were a control freak and demanded to know where you were every minute of the day. I'd be worried at that point.
09/29/2010
El-Jaro El-Jaro
I dated someone once who always asked me for permission to do things. Every single time I told her that she didn't have to ask permission, but I appreciated the heads-up (controlling ex on her part).

She ended up cheating on me...I wonder if there's a connection.

I'm a die-hard proponent of free-will with open communication.
09/29/2010
Persephone Nightmare Persephone Nightmare
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I dated someone once who always asked me for permission to do things. Every single time I told her that she didn't have to ask permission, but I appreciated the heads-up (controlling ex on her part).

She ended up cheating on me...I wonder ... More
I don't think there's a connection, honestly. I know I tend to ask permission alot of times (and Synthetik will say, sometimes, "You don't have to ask, love") and I've never cheated on anyone I've been with ever. And I could never, ever do that to Synthetik, never in a gazillion years (and even after that).

Personally, I don't think there is a connection. Or, maybe *for her* there was the connection between the two, but it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. I can see where you may think that there is a connection, though.

But anyway, that's just my opinion
09/29/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Hannah Savage
I have been dating the same man for a few years now. As I grow older, my interests in life are changing. I am wanting to go out more and spend time with friends, for example, when I used to prefer to be at home alone. This past summer I turned down a ... More
This is an interesting question. While at first I was thinking that I don't do this, I kind of do. But it is more out of courtosy than anything else. In past realtionships it would be more for easing a persons insecurities and avoiding conflict and distrust etc by being upfront. But now it is more a hey this is where I plan to be...am I ruining any plans I don't know about kind of thing.

I think it is totally acceptable for you to be feeling this way right now because it is a change of lifestyle. For example...my bf now had a possessive and jealous ex and so he would be shocked if I didn't get all huffy that he wanted to hang with the guys. He asked all the time. He eventually realized that I have my own space and he his and there are no permissions needed. Just a heads up is fine.
09/29/2010
UrNaughtyaAngel UrNaughtyaAngel
Yes it is a very interesting question. I don't believe one should ask permission but like Lauren I started thinking and I also kind of do. I would say stuff like the girls are having a get together, or I am not sure about going to this thing .... So I guess that was my way of asking permission/letting him know. And I think we do this out of courtesy, if it was your partner going out you will want him to let you know in advance that he is planning on doing something with out.
09/29/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
The 'permission' part bothers me for some reason. When we were underage and lived with our parents we had to ask their permission - that's understandable. But asking permission from a supposed equal ... ? A sub/dom relationship, yeah they have their thing, but when we're equals ... ? What century are we living in?
09/29/2010
iceman681 iceman681
my wife asks just because i plan alot of spontaneous events
09/29/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Hannah Savage
I have been dating the same man for a few years now. As I grow older, my interests in life are changing. I am wanting to go out more and spend time with friends, for example, when I used to prefer to be at home alone. This past summer I turned down a ... More
I have never seen it as asking permission, I've always seen it as a courtesy and one that I insist on in return. If my partner(s) are going to do something and it's something that we could do together then I expect them to at least ask. It's something that forges strong bonds between partners as far as I see it. I wouldn't ever tell a partner that they couldn't do something they want to but it does give them the option to hear my feelings on the matter.
09/30/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I have never seen it as asking permission, I've always seen it as a courtesy and one that I insist on in return. If my partner(s) are going to do something and it's something that we could do together then I expect them to at least ask. ... More
Airen - you have it right. It's a courtesy to communicate your palns.

When you love someone - or more than one - you want them to be happy and yes sometimes that means doing things alone. I golf a lot on the weekends - and my wife likes movies. She doesn't golf with me and I don't go to the movies with her - we meet after and enjoy the time together.

People have a hard time understanding the combination of commitment and freedom. Mastering this apparent dichotomy is the key to our successful relationship.
09/30/2010
Hannah Savage Hannah Savage
I guess to some it could be seen as courteously letting your partner know what you are doing, but for me I really do put it under the terms of "asking permission" because if he says he doesn't want me to go, or shows signs that he doesn't want me to go--even if his reasons are totally bunk--I will not go, no matter how badly I want to, because I know I will only feel guilt-ridden the entire night.

I must say, I do like JR's stance of being a "die-hard proponent of free-will with open communication".
09/30/2010
Not here Not here
I wouldn't say I "ask for permission," but I do give my man a head's up. I don't drive, so in a lot of cases, he has to bring me somewhere if I want to go without him, so I ask if that's okay. I don't have many friends left in the area, and neither does he, so we generally do things together. The friends that he or I have are friends with both of us, so in most cases we'd rather just be together.
09/30/2010
sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Yeah hubby and I don't like "ask permission", but we always discuss our plans and agree open them before doing anything. Whether going out with each other, or just one of us leaving to do something. We usually don't do stuff seperate though. We're like ALWAYS together. Except when he works.
09/30/2010
clp clp
I don't ask for permission, but I do take his opinion to heart. I am honest and upfront about my comings and goings, and if he is hurt or uncomfortable with them, I will most likely turn it down. I know he wouldn't pull the card unless he meant it, and the same for me. Some things just aren't worth the fuss of hurt feelings.
09/30/2010
mrs.mckrakn mrs.mckrakn
i dont ask for his permission. i do however let him know what ima be doin. and he may or may not give me his thoughts.
10/01/2010
mrs.mckrakn mrs.mckrakn
Quote:
Originally posted by Not here
I wouldn't say I "ask for permission," but I do give my man a head's up. I don't drive, so in a lot of cases, he has to bring me somewhere if I want to go without him, so I ask if that's okay. I don't have many friends ... More
sucks not being able to drive. same here. hes my driver.
10/01/2010
deletedd deletedd
iAlways Ask 4Permission, Because iWant 2Keep Him Please'd...
Does Anybody Think iShudnt Do This
11/02/2010
Blinker Blinker
We haven't really done anything seperately. Being long-distance, when we see each other, we're kind attached at the groin and rarely wander off to go see people by ourselves, mostly because I can't stand his friends BUT I DIGEST.

I would never ask him for permission to go do something or see someone. First of all, he would look at me like I was an idiot and probably thump me on the head. He's not my dad or boss, he's my baby.
11/02/2010
epiphanyjayne epiphanyjayne
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
Well, I don't really ask for permission, but I do I guess kind of ask... but for me it's because we have kids. So, if I'm going to go do something without him it's usually because he's going to need to watch the kids if I go. ... More
I agree with you on this, same thing here.
01/21/2013
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Unique posters: 24