Do You Sleep Together or Apart?

The New Intimacy

Do You Sleep Together or Apart?

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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
link

In essence, they're saying that sleeping seperately is undermining to a relationship.

I could say a whole lot of vulgar, nasty things based on the hell of sharing a bed with my ex-husband, but I'd like to know how being unconscious - whether in the same bed or in another room - can make you connect better to your sig-other.

I understand the theory, but calling sleeping apart unhealthy? Only if your marriage was in danger to begin with. My parents have been together for 36 years, with their own rooms, and I think it kept them together.

Is this intentionally trying to make us feel bad for valuing sleep over societal expectation?
08/02/2010
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Contributor: Red Vinyl Kitty Red Vinyl Kitty
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
link

In essence, they're saying that sleeping seperately is undermining to a relationship.

I could say a whole lot of vulgar, nasty things based on the hell of sharing a bed with my ex-husband, but I'd like to know how being ... more
I don't think that sleeping apart is automatically unhealthy, in some situations it may be, but in others it is probably better. Growing up, my Dad was always the worst snorer. Really. My mother would complain all the time about how little sleep she got sleeping with him. (In her defense, I could hear him just barely when I was all the way upstairs!) Maybe if they slept apart it would have helped.

I do sleep in the same bed with my husband. I don't think I am better or worse than anyone else for this, lol to each their own. I do know that personally, I tend to sleep a lot better when my husband is home. The few times he was away on business or something I had a heck of a time sleeping.
08/02/2010
Contributor: Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
link

In essence, they're saying that sleeping seperately is undermining to a relationship.

I could say a whole lot of vulgar, nasty things based on the hell of sharing a bed with my ex-husband, but I'd like to know how being ... more
Well, I have to agree that I think that if my husband and I slept seperately we wouldn't be as close. We do cuddle before we go to sleep, and we also have spontaneous sex before going to sleep or first thing in the morning.

I also personally sleep better if he's in the bed with me, I like to hear the sound of his breathing and it makes me feel secure.

Last but not least we do have a lot of meaningful talks before bed and also in the morning. I'd feel like I was missing out on value down time with him if we slept in separate rooms.

Now, I don't think that people necessarily have a bad marriage if they sleep separate, but for me personally I think my marriage would suffer.
08/02/2010
Contributor: Tuesday Tuesday
I've been married 24 years and we've slept separately for about the last 15. I don't think its made a bit of difference in our level of closeness. We don't go to sleep at the same time anyway so we're not sacrificing pillow talk.

My husband snores and I'm a speshul snowflake sleeper. Studies have shown that people sleep best when they sleep alone as long as they're used to it, meaning if you're used to sharing a bed you won't sleep as well alone for a few days until you're accustomed to it.

I think you could make a solid case that being well-slept improves your relationships with everyone.
08/02/2010
Contributor: fatesrelease fatesrelease
I always was an insomniac and never got a good nights sleep before Jonathan. I would toss and turn, never sleeping and when I'd finally fall asleep wake up at the slightest sound.
We have only been apart at night a few times-once a few days ago. It is always so hard for me to fall asleep now and stay asleep. I really value our closeness when we sleep. We cuddle before bed and fall asleep holding hands. I would miss the closeness if we didn't. I feel safer too and have less bad dreams. If I do have them he is right there for me when I need him.
08/02/2010
Contributor: Jessica Elizabeth Jessica Elizabeth
My parents haven't slept together for pretty much the entirety of their 23 year relationship and they're better for it. Mainly due to snoring issues. The times they have shared a bed has been hell for both of them.

Whereas me and D like to cuddle, have spontaneous foreplay and sex and can have incredible pillow talk. Right now due to not having a bed we actually aren't sleeping together, just next to each other on the floor. And we have fallen asleep holding hands. While we yearn for the day we have a bed again and can cuddle (actually about to happen in a fortnights time) I remember from when we did have a bed I'd long for a nap or night's sleep where he wasn't in bed with me, so I could stretch out and sleep in the middle of the bed.

It's really more a couple by couple situation based thing. For some it's good, for other's it's not.
08/02/2010
Contributor: twistedheartsx twistedheartsx
We sleep together, but I don't think sleeping apart would do any harm in a relationship unless there are underlying problems!
08/03/2010
Contributor: sexyhellokitty sexyhellokitty
We sleep together. Unless he or I starts to snore, I doubt we have separate beds.
08/03/2010
Contributor: shepegsME shepegsME
There's a certain intimacy about sleeping together. Especially nude. For some reason I find it fulfilling and satisfying to the point where, I feel like I just had sex after sleeping with her. Does that make sense?
08/03/2010
Contributor: kck kck
We sleep together.... when we are together
08/03/2010
Contributor: BoomersGirl BoomersGirl
We sleep together. Unless we're fighting, then he sleeps back in our little ones' room and I get much better sleep - LOL... I like to stretch out!
08/03/2010
Contributor: Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
I think sleeping, however you sleep, is the most healthy thing you can do for yourself. If that means apart in order to sleep well, fuck a bunch of studies.
08/03/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
link

In essence, they're saying that sleeping seperately is undermining to a relationship.

I could say a whole lot of vulgar, nasty things based on the hell of sharing a bed with my ex-husband, but I'd like to know how being ... more
I think everybody has their own experience, but from what I have experienced, sleeping togther, and I mean sleeping together brings us together and keeps us together. Last night, we didn't make love before we went to sleep (The Man was exhausted) but I was dreaming of fondling him, and awoke to find him nuzzling me, with his head on my shoulder and my hand on his chest. It was just SO sweet! As sweet as sex, in some ways. I just lie there, with our bodies together, loving the moment. There have been SO many of these moments, sometimes followed by sexual activity, sometimes just living in the moment of sleeping with the Man I love.

Often, we start to make love before we are even fully awake. I can't imagine being able to do this while we are separate beds or rooms. I LOVE the smell of My Man on our sheets, and he loves mine. We cuddle and fondle and murmur to each other in sleep and while going into and while coming out of sleep. We have had some of our most intimate conversations in the middle of the night, while half asleep, and even solved some serious relationship problems in such an arrangement.

I will not make pronouncements about anyone else's relationship, that wouldn't be fair. But, Chili, I think it's fair to say you and your ex did not have a good experience, and perhaps that was the reason that spurred sleeping apart. I am hoping in your next good relationship, you might learn the joys of sharing sleep, too. It is so loving and arousing and connecting and affection producing.

My Man's parents had separate bedrooms for the last many years until his father finally died. I NEVER saw either of them touch the other, he remembers violent arguments (with him present in the house) about his father not getting enough sex, and IMO, they would have been better off if they had did what you did, and honestly admitted that this wasn't working. My own parents did divorce, but slept every night in the same bed, until they decided they could no longer live in the same house. It was amicable, but I admired their honesty and wish My Man's parents hadn't put on the sham they did for so long.

My Man said, under no circumstance would we ever decide to sleep apart in our own home, for any period of time. On occasion, I may have spent part of a night in a fussy baby or an ill child's room, but always returned to his side.

I can't judge anyone else's situation, people live lives that I have no access to and refuse to speculate on.

However, there is a sweet joy to sleeping together. It is known that breathing synchronizes, pheromones are traded, touching occurs, even in deep sleep, and IMO, one of the joys of living with a partner is Sharing Sleep.

Of course, mileage may and does vary.
08/03/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
I thought this was a good thread. bump!
08/05/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
I'd share a bed with mine if he didn't live in another state. Though when I visited he snuck in to sleep next to me. I actually slept better sharing a bed with him, which is odd for me, i have the worst trouble sleeping when someone else is in the room with me. I can't explain it.

When i was little i had to share a bed with dad who stayed away from my crazy and violent mother. What I didn't like about that is when I snored, dad would kick me awake and tell me to be quiet, then here I am, awake in the middle of the night trying to fall back to sleep.
08/05/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
I read some interesting things about sleeping together and relationships when I was working on my MS. I remember My Man and I had a terrible time sleeping when we first started living together. We found we would be up, or wake up at the same time in the middle of the night and talk and plan and work out issues. I learned later that this is often common (although not Universal) with newly attached couples, and actually helps with bonding. It is believed that certain hormones keep some people awake, to help them get to know each other better. Think about how raw and emotionally open you are in the middle of the night! Other couples sleep better, because they feel SAFE (some for the first time in their lives) and this is just as important.

I'm thinking this is yet an other interesting thing I need to write an article about.....(percolating )
08/05/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
link

In essence, they're saying that sleeping seperately is undermining to a relationship.

I could say a whole lot of vulgar, nasty things based on the hell of sharing a bed with my ex-husband, but I'd like to know how being ... more
I sleep half the year apart from my husband, and the other half apart from my life partner so I don't credit this story at all. It's bunk. No relationship fits a cookie cutter mold. Generalizations like this are what perpetuates some of the most damaging myths out there...
08/06/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I sleep half the year apart from my husband, and the other half apart from my life partner so I don't credit this story at all. It's bunk. No relationship fits a cookie cutter mold. Generalizations like this are what perpetuates some of the ... more
Thank you, Airen. I couldn't express my thoughts properly - 'damaging myth'.
08/06/2010
Contributor: joja joja
Studies have shown that although partners tend to think they sleep better when sharing a bad, it actually decreases the quality of sleep and number of times they wake up during the night.

That said, I still love sharing a bed with my partner. It's just so comforting to be in his presence.
08/11/2010
Contributor: sweet sally sweet sally
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I think everybody has their own experience, but from what I have experienced, sleeping togther, and I mean sleeping together brings us together and keeps us together. Last night, we didn't make love before we went to sleep (The Man was exhausted) ... more
I couldn't agree more.

In my previous marriage of 10 yrs, we slept in seperate rooms for probably 8 out of the 10 yrs. It started because we worked different shifts and he would come home and pass out on the couch. After 2 years of that, we simply couldn't sleep together. He was a night owl and I was a morning person. He snored horribly, tossed and turned, was a cover hog. I could go on and on.

We did already have intimacy problems, but I do believe this exacerbated it and by the end of the marriage we rarely ever touched each other what-so-ever. However, I always slept like a baby.

Now, w/ my current bf, we have slept in the same bed for 8 months and I couldn't imagine not being next to him at night. We have a wonderful relationship. It's true I probably don't sleep as much as I did sleeping alone, but it's so very worth the trade off.
08/11/2010
Contributor: Midway through Midway through
I actually don't care either way. It happens both ways often enough.
08/11/2010
Contributor: onehotmomma onehotmomma
We sleep in the same bed 2 nights a week, sometimes. My other half works the nightshift, so I'm used to sleeping alone, and he's used to sleeping alone. It's hard on his 2 nights off to sleep together, because we are both used to having a king sized bed to sprawl out on alone. We DO have to use separate blankets in the winter no matter what, because he rolls himself in them and I can never get any back.lol.
08/16/2010
Contributor: deadpoet deadpoet
My parents don't have a room, the sleep on seperate couchs. My boyfriend and I live in two different places; me with my parents and him with his. When we do see each other, we will take naps together.
08/16/2010
Contributor: Pleasure Piratess Pleasure Piratess
I think as long as contingencies where made to ensure intimacy didn't suffer the actual fact of where each person slept wouldn't matter. I mean, what about all the people who work different shifts? They don't sleep at together, but that doesn't mean their relationship suffers. They just learn to make up for that lost intimacy elsewhere.
08/16/2010
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
We most often than not sleep together. When I am studying for exams I tend to fall asleep on the couch after hours of studying. My man goes to bed early and I go to bed late and sometimes I want to avoid waking him up bcs he gets extremely cranky and upset that I go to bed late, lol.
08/17/2010
Contributor: Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
link

In essence, they're saying that sleeping seperately is undermining to a relationship.

I could say a whole lot of vulgar, nasty things based on the hell of sharing a bed with my ex-husband, but I'd like to know how being ... more
Eh. I love spending time with my boyfriend, but when it comes to bedtime, I sleep better if I have my own blanket and a bit of space to myself. Otherwise I wake up tired and achey all over. And he snores. It's not his fault, but he does.

I think the bedroom setup I'd prefer if we had our own place would be still to have one bedroom, but with two beds. This way, we're in the same room and are sharing space in that sense, but I also get a bit of my own space, which is important to me, especially when I'm sleeping.
08/17/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Cinnamon
Eh. I love spending time with my boyfriend, but when it comes to bedtime, I sleep better if I have my own blanket and a bit of space to myself. Otherwise I wake up tired and achey all over. And he snores. It's not his fault, but he does.

I ... more
Look into the adjustable beds that allow one person to elevate their feet or head. They helped my grandparents who had the same problem. My Grandfather was tested and his snore was as loud as a chainsaw's decibel level. He was able to find a position that caused him not to snore and my Grandmother's sciatica was calmed by her position. Just a thought.
08/19/2010
Contributor: kcordie kcordie
for us its half and half. we live in the same town but live in different places. I usually get better sleep if i'm by myself since we both have twin size beds.
08/25/2010
Contributor: deletedd deletedd
We Sleep 2Gether, But We Always Go2Sleep At Different Times... He Goes 2Sleep First
11/02/2010
Contributor: x cherri x cherri
According to some studies, women sleep worse when they sleep in the same bed as a partner where as men sleep better. I guess it depends on lifestyles and sleeping habits to make that call of same or separate beds /rooms. Having separate spaces does not make you any less in love.
01/19/2011