How much should the parents of your S/O factor in to your decision to stay/leave/marry?

guppiefish guppiefish
I had a friend whose future father-in-law was physically/verbally abusive to his wife and children, and who often berated her as well. Although her fiancé was a lovely person and was clearly devoted, he was also very traditional and believed in family above all else. Given, that he refused to cut off ties with his father, how much should she have been worried?
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
You marry the family, not just the man/woman.
phoenixfire , talon4196 , donatello6789 , mjtheprincess
4  (31%)
If you really love one another, you overcome the problem.
Sera26 , gsfanatic , Stagger13 , Trysexual , Geogeo , *Camoprincess* , table38792 , nova2014 , kaykay0427
9  (69%)
He/she isn't representative of the entire family, so I don't really care.
Total votes: 13
Poll is closed
01/08/2013
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kendra30752 kendra30752
I don't know. This is really tough! I know it'd be a hard situation. I for one couldn't leave my partner if his dad was abusive & he chose to keep him in his life. That kind of decision is strictly one for the person having to deal with it, not the spouse. A spouse can distance themselves if need be. I'd be a lot more worried about the damage this man has done to the people he was supposed to love than I would anything.

You can't make or be angry with someone for making a decision like this. You know, it's hard when it's your family. They can treat you like shit and you'll still love them. Abuse though? I personally think it's unhealthy to keep an abusive person in your life, but I can't say what should or should not be done because I don't know the situation personally, and I have not personally had to walk in those shoes. I don't even know what I would do.

I will say one thing: if this woman has children with her spouse, then her biggest concern should not be that her spouse chooses to keep being around his abusive father, but it should be for her own self & children. I certainly, absolutely can say that I know I wouldn't allow my children around this spouse's abusive father, whether he chooses to stay in contact with his father or not, the spouse & kids do not have to.

Say it was me in this situation. I'd say, okay, my partner is a grown man. I'll give him my own opinion and share my concerns with him over keeping a relationship with his abusive father, and then the rest is up to him. But I will make it 100% clear that I have no obligation to tolerate or be around this abusive father and I absolutely refuse for my children to be in any contact with him. That is how I'd go about it. That is what I would make clear. He could agree to those terms or get the hell out. Lol. There's nothing wrong with her wanting to keep her own safety for her & her kids (if she happened to have them, or ever plans in the future to). And surely if he'd been abused by his father he would be gladly agree to his wife & kids not being around his father just because he still wants to.

I'd just be careful, give my advice & opinion as an outsider and then let him do what he feels is right. I can understand that he loves his parents. I would just ask that he be careful and not expect me or my kids to be around an abusive person.
01/08/2013
kendra30752 kendra30752
I don't know. This is really tough! I know it'd be a hard situation. I for one couldn't leave my partner if his dad was abusive & he chose to keep him in his life. That kind of decision is strictly one for the person having to deal with it, not the spouse. A spouse can distance themselves if need be. I'd be a lot more worried about the damage this man has done to the people he was supposed to love than I would anything.

You can't make or be angry with someone for making a decision like this. You know, it's hard when it's your family. They can treat you like shit and you'll still love them. Abuse though? I personally think it's unhealthy to keep an abusive person in your life, but I can't say what should or should not be done because I don't know the situation personally, and I have not personally had to walk in those shoes. I don't even know what I would do.

I will say one thing: if this woman has children with her spouse, then her biggest concern should not be that her spouse chooses to keep being around his abusive father, but it should be for her own self & children. I certainly, absolutely can say that I know I wouldn't allow my children around this spouse's abusive father, whether he chooses to stay in contact with his father or not, the spouse & kids do not have to.

Say it was me in this situation. I'd say, okay, my partner is a grown man. I'll give him my own opinion and share my concerns with him over keeping a relationship with his abusive father, and then the rest is up to him. But I will make it 100% clear that I have no obligation to tolerate or be around this abusive father and I absolutely refuse for my children to be in any contact with him. That is how I'd go about it. That is what I would make clear. He could agree to those terms or get the hell out. Lol. There's nothing wrong with her wanting to keep her own safety for her & her kids (if she happened to have them, or ever plans in the future to). And surely if he'd been abused by his father he would be gladly agree to his wife & kids not being around his father just because he still wants to.

I'd just be careful, give my advice & opinion as an outsider and then let him do what he feels is right. I can understand that he loves his parents. I would just ask that he be careful and not expect me or my kids to be around an abusive person.
01/08/2013
Sera26 Sera26
I'm dealing with this right now. I chose the second option although the first may have just sabotaged my relationship. I recommend keeping stuff to yourself unless you just can't.
01/08/2013
phoenixfire phoenixfire
Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me. I understand that people can and do break the cycle of an abusive household, but I would be upset for family holidays etc. It would be very hard for me to stand by and watch another woman be abused and feel that I could not say anything because she was my mother in law and I would be "betraying family". No matter how wonderful the guy might be, I would always worry that he would act in the way that has been powerfully modeled for him.

That said, I know my parents made an effort to change the way their children were disciplined because of the way one of them was disciplined by their parents, my grandparents. It can be done, but I wouldn't want to go into a marriage with this much baggage. Just my .02.
01/08/2013
gsfanatic gsfanatic
It's a tough call, so it varies from person to person. For me, I love the girl I'm with and will marry her regardless of her crappy family. It's not the easiest for everyone, and it depends a lot on how well that person can distance themselves from their family
01/08/2013
Stagger13 Stagger13
Quote:
Originally posted by guppiefish
I had a friend whose future father-in-law was physically/verbally abusive to his wife and children, and who often berated her as well. Although her fiancé was a lovely person and was clearly devoted, he was also very traditional and believed in ... More
It can be a tough battle. If you love him then fight for him. If he does not support you and take your side he may not be worth it.
01/09/2013
talon4196 talon4196
I would tell him how much of a dick he is.
01/09/2013
Geogeo Geogeo
Quote:
Originally posted by guppiefish
I had a friend whose future father-in-law was physically/verbally abusive to his wife and children, and who often berated her as well. Although her fiancé was a lovely person and was clearly devoted, he was also very traditional and believed in ... More
wouldn't factor in unless it was like an obsessive weird relationship that i had to leave because i couldn't stand them
01/09/2013
js250 js250
My ex mother in law made it her big goal in life to break up our 16 year marriage. She did succeed, but is now miserable (according to my ex and his son) because of the pain she has caused him.

When a person has another who is constantly highlighting the problems in a relationship and glossing over the good things---it does wear them down and cause them to pick at the negative as well, instead of working to fix them.

My ex has signed us up again for yet another round of couples counseling and him for anger management....still undecided on my actions at this point.
01/17/2013
mjtheprincess mjtheprincess
I think you marry the family...That being said, I don't like all of the members of my boyfriends family, but that would never ever end my relationship. I think it is situational. All families have drama...it's more of a matter of what kind of drama you are willing to get in to, and setting boundaries before hand. Example, I have already told my man we will NEVER leave our children with his parents, and that is just the way it is Good communication is necessary through it all.
01/19/2013
Total posts: 11
Unique posters: 10