Is it cheating when...

Contributor: wicked48 wicked48
It's wrong but not cheating.
06/05/2013
Contributor: PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
Quote:
Originally posted by bratcat
Initially when i ready your post i chose the last answer, as the behavior is not necessarily cheating but is deceptive and can damage a long-term relationship. However after reading this, yes, being involved with other women in or outside of a strip ... more
She and I are not close...but when they were having a lot of problems she confided in me a little bit. He is my husband's friend, so it's a little conflicting.
06/05/2013
Contributor: PeaceToTheMiddleEast PeaceToTheMiddleEast
I think it would be wrong to do behind your partners back but would not consider it cheating.
06/05/2013
Contributor: bratcat bratcat
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
She and I are not close...but when they were having a lot of problems she confided in me a little bit. He is my husband's friend, so it's a little conflicting.
That does seem like a messy situation, so theres really only so much you can do. Have you discussed your thoughts with your husband, and maybe work with each other to confront this person on their abusive and callus behavior?
06/05/2013
Contributor: Hallmar82 Hallmar82
Not physically, but it would still be a betrayal.
06/05/2013
Contributor: married with children married with children
it is cheating on your relationship, but not physical cheating. If you have to hide your activities from your partner, then there might be problems in the relationship.
06/05/2013
Contributor: sillylilkitten sillylilkitten
If he's just looking, it's not cheating, it's basically just live porn. If he's having physical contact with them, I'd consider that cheating. Either way, it's not right at all if she's said it makes her unhappy and he's lying to her about it.
06/05/2013
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a ... more
That is exactly what I always say, and not even only when it comes to cheating. Just today I was explaining that if you have to ask someone if you are bohtering them, then there's a good chance you are and I've said the same for cheating. Easy answer too and almost every time, the answer is yes, if you have to ask "is it cheating..."

I do consider that cheating because she's likely uncomfortable with it FOR A REASON. Lying is never okay, and I happen to feel that strip clubs are a form of infedility anyways. Why would it ever be "okay" to lie to your partner and go behind their backs to do something they are very uncomfortable with. I mean, unless we're talking about having an extra bowl of ice cream here -- which clearly wouldn't be hurting or doing damage to your partner -- going and lusting after other people and doing that IS.
06/06/2013
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Trysexual
Wrong, but not cheating. You could fill in the blanks with so many things.

Like eating ice cream behind someones back...cheating? no.
Watching porn? no
OMG! LOL That was so awesome that I too used ice cream as an example. LOL. Ice cream on the brain tonight?
06/06/2013
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Ok, so let me get this straight...


Guy and gal are a couple, the guy likes to go to strip clubs. It makes her feel uncomfortable and they have a rational discussion and he rationally agrees to never go again. Then a week or so goes by and ... more
Thank you! This is pretty much what I was thinking as well. You did a better job putting it into words. Really nice way of putting that. I liked it.

In the end, if you're willing to deliberately hurt your partner -- and that is what's happening if they're "uncomfortable" with clubs like that. It's hurting them, let's face it -- then you are doing something very wrong, you must not care a whole hell of a lot about their feelings and not to mention, you're cheating. Even if not in your eyes, in their eyes, they are cheated and that feels quite as shitty. This is why you discuss these things before getting into a relationship. That way there's less of a chance to get hurt by people who don't feel the same as you.
06/06/2013
Contributor: Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
I consider cheating to be sharing yourself physically and/or emotionally with someone else in an intimate way. If you would not share all the details of your interactions and feelings with someone you have an intimate relationship with and/or your partner would be comfortable with your behavior with this other person it is cheating. If you are having sex, intimate touching, kissing or intimate conversations then it would be cheating.

Going to a strip club to watch and not telling your partner to hide it, the it is lying not cheating. Just like spending money and hiding it. Drinking and hiding it. ... You get the point.
06/06/2013
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Trysexual
You're assuming a rational discussion. I was not.

It is deception and lying sure, but not on the same level as fucking someone.

What if you watched porn your whole life and was a regular part of your life, but did not cause any ... more
Irrational about it? Not everyone just likes it. There are plenty of reasons not to have positive feelings towards pornography. Irrational is not the word I'd use to describe, say, someone who was... forced into pornography of some sort and then they end up having a "hang up" about it and can't be with a partner who uses it. OR the fact that it's addicting or cheating in some people's eyes, or degrading, or because maybe they want to have their partner looking at them for sexual satisfaction. None of those scream irrational to me at all. A unique need for respect, to be treated in a little bit different of a way than what's typical, sure, but irrational? No. I think there's far, far more to it than irrationality and "not getting it." Some people don't want that in their lives and we can hardly call them irrational, especially without ever knowing why they feel that way. Insecure or could it be just the opposite? Perhaps a person feels that they're better than to be anything other than their lover's one and only choice and honestly, what could be wrong with that? There's also a difference in forbidding it and simply discussing it in the beginning of a relationship. Get it out in the open first. Do you use porn? Because I have issues there and don't think I could be with someone who does." Simple as that. Nothing wrong with people requiring a certain degree of respect. It's not that they are insecure always, but perhaps the right person for them is someone who views them as a potential partner, differently. It's not that they have to say "now that we're dating, you're never allowed porn." It's a topic that can be talked about and each can choose to go their separate ways if they don't see eye to eye.

Just another way to look at things besides the whole "oh! They must be irrational."

Like Stormy explained -- discussions, comprimise and a loving way towards each other where both can go to great deals to meet the needs of the one they love. It's not so hard for some people.

Emotional cheating very well may be something worse in your opinion. I'm sure someone else on the earth would deem that "irrational." Not that I do. I do not, of course. But we have to remember to see every point of view and that every couple is different. Not everyone is just a screwed up person who asks too much of a potential spouse. If you consider emotional cheating to be very bad and a deal breaker, then it's probably something you get out in the open right away when you're with a partner or potential spouse, right? It's really not much different from people who feel more hurt by physical cheating. Everyone has their very own personal set of reasons as to why things upset them, and I have learned that you often don't have a specific thing that upsets you for NO reason. Sure, it can be insecurity, but that's why you work on it. You're not a bad person for having insecurities. Many people may feel that those who consider emotional cheating to be the worst form of cheating are just insecure. Again, not me. But it goes both ways. That is my point. You cannot pick apart every couple's relationship. Each of us have things that upset us and hurt us so badly that we simply can't go through it (or go through it again) and in some cases, we can't even explain why. We just know that it hurts. Nothing wrong there. That's why everyone is different. There's always somebody else out there who will feel similarly, and that makes it all ok.

If emotional cheating is something I absolutely can't deal with, then I'll make sure that when I'm getting into a relationship, they feel similarly that way we're on the same page.

You said emotional cheating was "worse in many ways." That is it's worse for you. Just like our preferences in ice cream (sorrry, had to use it! Lol), we also have wide varieties in things that we feel are worse. For instance, having a migraine may be the worst pain for one person. For another, they may feel that nothing is worse than a toothache. We simply can't say what other people besides ourselves should feel or what's worse for everyone else, besides our very own selves.

Simply put, I love my partner with all my heart... and every other organ in my body and for me, if it makes him "uncomfortable" then it makes me uncomfortable and I won't do it and I won't want to do it. I love him. I don't want to make him feel down, uncomfortable, hurt, put aside, less than, insecure or like he isn't my one and only. This may not be for everyone. Not everybody wants to make someoen else feel that they are all those things, but we do. If it's not him, I'm not interested and I dang sure wouldn't feel right going and handing a half nude male $ so I could objectify him. And I expect my partner to have more respect for not only me, but the women in general -- when it comes to these things. That's not for me to worry with, but there we are.

As for going behind his back, as I said, that's out of the question. Neither of us would do it and neither of us have the desire to.

I think each and every relationship (since all of ours differ) can choose for themsleves without being put down for their choices. As long as both are in compliance --whether both parties feel that clubs are cheating or leaning on someone else's shoulder and crying is cheating -- that's all that matters, right? I mean, it doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks and there's no reason for the rest of the world to say harsh things about anybody's relationship unless someone's being hurt. If they're happy doing things a certain way, if they're happy being okay with the clubs or both not being okay with the clubs, what's it to anyone else?
06/06/2013
Contributor: Zombirella Zombirella
To me, it's cheating. I don't like them and I've made it known in any long term relationship that the crap is off limits. You have a woman you can get naked at home and touch, no need to do it others- at least that's my logic.
06/06/2013
Contributor: Zombirella Zombirella
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
He has lied to her and said that he's never been to the strip club and doesn't need to go. She is very insecure and doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of it. He's going behind her back, saying he's doing other things while ... more
Scum. I don't know her but he doesn't deserve her. She deserves to know and make a decision for herself. It would be hard for me to leave, but you bet your ass I'd get over it eventually. I've been cheated on, more than once by a person and once that trust is broken once, then repeated, NOTHING will EVER be the same ever again.
06/06/2013
Contributor: Dolphin Lady Dolphin Lady
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a ... more
It is cheating. When you hide something from your partner it is also luring.
06/06/2013
Contributor: Zombirella Zombirella
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
He said that some of the strippers will go out to the cars and give blow jobs, and that they'll take customers upstairs and have sex if the price is right.
I'm sorry if I offend anyone but that crap pisses me off. More than likely those men have someone at home and these women KNOW, yet they don't give a damn. Don't stop to think how they would feel. But really....just random guys? That's so gross not to mention unsafe! I don't care if his penis "looks clean" that doesn't mean he doesn't have an STD! Even with a condom, I'd be too freaked out about my own health to do something like this. Give me a realistic dildo and a bullet vibe!
06/06/2013
Contributor: Aishiteru Aishiteru
That could be very wrong, but not cheating.
06/06/2013
Contributor: Zombirella Zombirella
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
Irrational about it? Not everyone just likes it. There are plenty of reasons not to have positive feelings towards pornography. Irrational is not the word I'd use to describe, say, someone who was... forced into pornography of some sort and then ... more
I feel the exact same way with my relationship that you do about your relationship. I also agree with everything you said here!
06/06/2013
Contributor: Gluesnffr Gluesnffr
I think that its wrong to hide something from your partner.
06/06/2013
Contributor: Madsinner Madsinner
Can't say its cheating; for me cheating involves a personal one to one connection (either emotional or physical) that just can't occur at a strip club. Its always a bad idea to lie about something that big to a trusted partner though.
06/06/2013
Contributor: sXeVegan90 sXeVegan90
I cannot say this is cheating, but in HIS case, because he is interacting with the performers, I would consider this an act of cheating. She deserves much better, and needs to find a way out of this abusive relationship. She should be able to have her rights as he has his, and this isn't healthy for her at all. I agree with Zombirella, those men the strippers are giving blowjobs to could have STD's and that sickens me as well.
06/06/2013
Contributor: Zombirella Zombirella
Quote:
Originally posted by sXeVegan90
I cannot say this is cheating, but in HIS case, because he is interacting with the performers, I would consider this an act of cheating. She deserves much better, and needs to find a way out of this abusive relationship. She should be able to have ... more
And if they did, he could give it to her! A friend of the family died a few years ago from cervical cancer. How did she get it? She got a strand of HPV from her CHEATING husband. She didn't have insurance and hadn't had her annual for a good bit and didn't know about the family planning center downtown doing it free. She starting getting sick, I won't go into detail but it's horrible. By the time she finally went to see someone without worrying about the cost, it was already far too advanced. She tried to fight it though! She was in her early 30's when she passed. I watched her slowly fade away in such a short time and it was heartbreaking. I still feel horrible for her two kids. I don't know how that man even lives with himself. She still stayed with him until the end. So that prick needs to stop his BS right now before something horrible could happen!

I saw her a night or two before she passed (I can't remember and try to block it out) but that image of her in bed.....it kept me up several nights haunted and/or crying because of what she went through, her kids having to go on without her, that she was one of the sweetest people I've ever known and didn't deserve this at all.
06/06/2013
Contributor: gwenevieve gwenevieve
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a ... more
yes. if it makes your partner unhappy and you do it anyway, i think that's cheating.
06/06/2013
Contributor: ImaGodiva ImaGodiva
I would hope that two married people could work it out so that nobody was feeling denied and nobody was feeling betrayed... In a perfect world anyway. Well, may I suggest the installation of a stripper pole in the bedroom?
06/06/2013
Contributor: Fluke Fluke
It's lying, not cheating, there's a difference. It's a very big lie since the lie involves going out and meeting other women. Very big problem. Almost as bad as cheating.

"He said that some of the strippers will go out to the cars and give blow jobs, and that they'll take customers upstairs and have sex if the price is right. "

Now THAT is cheating. Yeah right he "heard" these things from his "friends", lol.
06/06/2013
Contributor: karenm karenm
I'd consider it deceitful and a breech of trust, which is basically the as cheating.
06/06/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
Thank you! This is pretty much what I was thinking as well. You did a better job putting it into words. Really nice way of putting that. I liked it.

In the end, if you're willing to deliberately hurt your partner -- and that is what's ... more
We finally agree on something!!!

Seriously, any time you're not giving someone a chance to make their own decision in a relationship, you are cheating them and after reading PoP's update on the matter I think this guy is a world-class loser.
06/06/2013
Contributor: PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
They've had a really up and down relationship. They've been together since high school and this past summer separated for two months. During that time he slept with at least three other women (and wasn't afraid to share graphic details with my husband and I about it), and she had no idea and was crying to me about how much she missed him. After they decided to work things out, she found out from a friend that he had slept with ONE women while they were separated and it broke her heart. She confronted him about it, and he lied and said it was only one girl, it was only once, and he didn't even enjoy it; all TOTAL lies. She was able to process this since it was one girl, and only one occasion (at least that's what she was told), but he has said to us that she will never find out about the others or how long he was seeing that girl for. He told us before they separated that he felt like he was missing out on something 'better' because he had been with her for over 10 years. He lies to her about a lot of things, yet got upset with her when he found out she had been keeping something from him. They have an extremely dysfunctional relationship, but they have a 2 year old son and I know they want to work it out at least for him. I told them both when they separated last summer that I would do what I could to help with their son and be a support to both of them. I promised that I wouldn't share any information they told me, with the other person. I can't tell her about this; we haven't really talked since they've been back together since I was pretty much just her counselor while they were having issues, and because of the promise I made. I did talk with my husband about it, and he agreed that it was totally inappropriate behavior, but he's not surprised about it either. That's just the way this guy is, and she knows it too. The first time we hung out with them he was calling, "Dump it out!" to girls across the parking lot and ended up joking with me about flashing him as well - RIGHT in front of her!

I know if I were her and found out about this, I would feel as though I had been cheated on. Like I said, I don't know if he is specifically engaging in sexual acts with these women, but he did mention that it's available and I know he goes quite frequently. Just sad.
06/06/2013
Contributor: Pandwhora Pandwhora
wrong, but not cheating.
06/06/2013
Contributor: bratcat bratcat
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
They've had a really up and down relationship. They've been together since high school and this past summer separated for two months. During that time he slept with at least three other women (and wasn't afraid to share graphic details ... more
The excuse of "thats just the way he is," shouldn't fly. It's essentially the same as "boys will be boys" when it comes to men doing shitty things (like in a lot of recent rape cases) to excuse the behavior as if it's some sort of inherent trait of men to be terrible and therefore excusable.
His behavior is controlling and emotionally abusive, and sometimes these cases will lead to physical abuse or will trickel over to the child over time. I think his behavior needs to be addressed and discussed, and couples counseling or general counseling would be a good suggestion. Staying together for the kids kind of attitude doesn't do much if there is still abuse in the relationship, speaking from personal experience, and can make it harder on the child who is experience this. A few things can happen growing up in a household where abuse is present: the child sees these things happening and then sees it as a norm and then grows up to become abusive themselves, or the child will constantly b fearful of abuse, or even be resentful of their parents for always having an emotional distance.

My personal motto is if it's something you have to lie about it's not worth doing. He doesn't trust his partner enough to be open with them or change his behavior (which i would attribute to his feelings of control over the relationship) to help the relationship grow.

I'm sorry if some of what i said seems out of line. This really hits close to home for me, and i hate to see anyone on the victim side of abuse, no matter what form, being in such a situation.
06/06/2013