Is it cheating when...

PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a long term relationship, and your partner is uncomfortable with you going to the strip club, is it cheating if you go on a regular basis and hide it from her?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Yes, it's cheating
22  (16%)
No, it's not cheating
6  (4%)
It's wrong, but it's not cheating
111  (80%)
Total votes: 139
Poll is closed
06/05/2013
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surreptitious surreptitious
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a ... More
I would say that while it's definitely wrong, it's not cheating. To me, it would be the same thing as keeping a separate, secret bank account from your partner or hanging out with a friend that he/she didn't like. Definitely not the foundations of a good relationship, but as long as you're not doing anything physical with the strippers, then I wouldn't say that it's cheating. I know that that likely varies from person to person, so I can see why you made this discussion, though - good topic.
06/05/2013
junipersgame junipersgame
It's wrong as hell to deceive your partner like that, but unless s/he is doing things with the strippers, it's not cheating. Although, there are certain lap dances that can definitely skirt that line.
06/05/2013
Ansley Ansley
I say it is cheating. You're cheating the other person out of the ability to make their own choice when it comes to how they will handle the other person's behavior. When you take away a person's free will, all bets are off and it really makes the playing field uneven.
06/05/2013
BrittaniMaree BrittaniMaree
It's wrong, but it's not cheating
06/05/2013
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
Deceit in a relationship is wrong. I wouldn't call it cheating, but it is wrong.
06/05/2013
Trysexual Trysexual
Wrong, but not cheating. You could fill in the blanks with so many things.

Like eating ice cream behind someones back...cheating? no.
Watching porn? no
06/05/2013
Ciao. Ciao.
Going to a strip club is not cheating.

If your is uncomfortable about it and you hide it that's definitely both wrong and a serious problem waiting to happen. Ultimately it could have the same impact as actual cheating since fundamentally the issue at play is trust.
06/05/2013
Ansley Ansley
Ok, so let me get this straight...


Guy and gal are a couple, the guy likes to go to strip clubs. It makes her feel uncomfortable and they have a rational discussion and he rationally agrees to never go again. Then a week or so goes by and he's just got to stop in and stuff a few of those hard earned dollars into a g-string of a woman he will never and can never have. Then goes home and acts like everything is a-ok.

That's not cheating? On what planet?

Deception and lying by omission is still lying and that's not just wrong, it is cheating. Let's flip the table...

She has a thing for going to strip clubs and has been asked not to spend money on guys or go at all...continues to do it and lies about it. How would you honestly react in that situation?

Would you not feel betrayed? Isn't cheating a betrayal of the boundaries you've set in the relationship (regardless of what those hard limits actually are)?

Think about it before you respond...this is seriously boggling my mind. And how on earth can you compare a Flesh to Flesh experience with porn or eating an ice cream cone? I mean really?
06/05/2013
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Cheating is depriving your partner of something they value...in this case it is the trust she has in his word. If he is hiding what he is doing then he is breaking his implied word to her and she will view it as definitely cheating. He has cheated her of his trustworthiness.

Arguably he is also cheating her of money he is spending on other women...this is called emotional cheating.

Personally I see no harm in it but we have an open relationship and whatever he spends there he also spends an equal amount on me. If he cannot afford to do this he doesn't go. But if I found out he was sneaking around and going anyhow then yes I would feel cheated.
06/05/2013
Trysexual Trysexual
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Ok, so let me get this straight...


Guy and gal are a couple, the guy likes to go to strip clubs. It makes her feel uncomfortable and they have a rational discussion and he rationally agrees to never go again. Then a week or so goes by and ... More
You're assuming a rational discussion. I was not.

It is deception and lying sure, but not on the same level as fucking someone.

What if you watched porn your whole life and was a regular part of your life, but did not cause any problems in your life and you met someone you loved, but they had a hang up about porn and asked you to never watch it ever again. Could you?

Could you agree to never masturbate?

Personally, I don't frequent strip clubs, so I'm kind of agnostic on the whole topic. I know some women and men are irrational about things like strip clubs and porn or masturbation and don't "get it". I'd probably never agree to have someone tell me what I can't do with my life in the first place. I never date people who forbid me to do things and have high insecurity.

But yeah. If you and your partner make a pact to not eat ice cream, because you both are trying to lose weight and you sneak out for a cone or sundae...then by your own definition it's cheating.

If it is a matter of finances and spending $, that's a whole nuther issue.
06/05/2013
Trysexual Trysexual
I'll add..maybe if He/she is going on a regular basis, meaning frequently...that is definitely worse than the odd "one off" visit.
06/05/2013
This Is For The Birds This Is For The Birds
I do not find this cheating, just very wrong. Specially since in a relationship, a long-term relationship at that, the key element is trust. If the partner was asked not to do something and they continue and hide it, what kind of relationship is that anyway?
06/05/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Trysexual
You're assuming a rational discussion. I was not.

It is deception and lying sure, but not on the same level as fucking someone.

What if you watched porn your whole life and was a regular part of your life, but did not cause any ... More
Is cheating relegated to only fucking? Is penetration required for it to be cheating? (Just asking, not attacking. )

Looking at someone on a screen and actually physically having a naked woman or person in front of you is comparing apples to oranges.

And yes, if it truly bothered the person I love then I would stop regardless of how much porn had been a part of my life. There would be intense discussion on both sides with both of us airing our opinions and coming to a compromise (all relationships are a compromise).

Maybe I'm just lucky and we [my husband and I] don't see boundaries as a way to control behavior; it's a way for us both to feel safe and have our emotional needs met.
06/05/2013
Trysexual Trysexual
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Is cheating relegated to only fucking? Is penetration required for it to be cheating? (Just asking, not attacking. )

Looking at someone on a screen and actually physically having a naked woman or person in front of you is comparing apples to ... More
No. In fact, emotional cheating is worse in many ways(dating, feelings involved, etc. vs. just sex). I just used fucking as an example.

Looking at a naked woman in person, is not the same as penetrating her.

I believe in being honest with people, but it's not a compromise if the other person gets their way 100% either

I knew you liked porn, so that is why I chose that example.

I'd find it troublesome if a guy had to visit a strip club weekly or more kinda thing....but if he was on a golf trip with the guys and they dragged him along, it's not a big deal. It's all an illusion to get your cash anyway. It's a guy thing and I get it, but I don't go for it for the above reasons. You CAN go to a strip club and NOT get a lap dance too.

But in the big scheme of things it's not that bad. He/she could do much worse things and you probably have less chance getting laid or being tempted at a strip club than a night club. I'm looking at things from my perspective, but there seem to be a lot of assumptions going on here.

I'd be less worried about a GF going to a male review than going to a dance club with the girls, figuring guys are going to be hitting on them.
06/05/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Trysexual
No. In fact, emotional cheating is worse in many ways(dating, feelings involved, etc. vs. just sex). I just used fucking as an example.

Looking at a naked woman in person, is not the same as penetrating her.

I believe in being ... More
All fair points. I get the feeling the issue is because it's no just an every now and again thing. Some, not all, but some women are really mistrustful of other women and the more promiscuous these women perceive other women to be the more territorial they become. It could very well be as simple as that.

And I do love porn, thank god my husband does too!
06/05/2013
TiffanyW TiffanyW
I don't like strip clubs. My husband goes with the guys. He doesn't HIDE it, but it's not cheating in my opinion....
06/05/2013
Thinkingman Thinkingman
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a ... More
It's not cheating, however if you have to frequent the place for something other than business then you might want to rethink you relationship.

Just a thought.
06/05/2013
tami tami
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a ... More
If it was my hubby going to a strip club and I asked him not to then he would no long be in a relationship with me.
06/05/2013
PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
He has lied to her and said that he's never been to the strip club and doesn't need to go. She is very insecure and doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of it. He's going behind her back, saying he's doing other things while he's going to the strip club. He says that it's become an addiction and sounds quite proud of that. He is very possessive of her and would freak out if she did anything like that. She doesn't get to go out with the girls, she has to stay at home with their son. He IS getting lap dances, he IS getting involved with these women. He didn't go into details about how far it has gone, but he said there's a price for EVERYTHING where he goes.
06/05/2013
KinkyKatieJames KinkyKatieJames
Nope, not cheating, but definitely not the right thing to do. Personally, I could never go behind my partner's back. If he is uncomfortable with something, we'll discuss it and come to a conclusion.

I'm with you though, usually when people start off with "is it cheating...", I want to just say "If you have to ask, then it probably is." I don't think everyone will agree on what's cheating and what isn't, but that's why, in my opinion, discussions like that need to be decided within each couple.
06/05/2013
PassionQT PassionQT
Technically no, although some will see it as so.
06/05/2013
js250 js250
Cheating....no. There is no physical, emotional or interactive contact with another person specifically.

Lying, deceiving, destroying trust and intentionally causing hurt to another person...YES! If a person has hard boundaries in a relationship, it is up to the couple to either work through a compromise and/or agree to what is off limits.

Be fair though, boundaries are respected because they pertain to one person's personal comfort zone--NOT a means to control another person's actions. Boundaries are lines that are not crossed--sexually or otherwise.

Using control over another person and their actions is a completely different category--not cheating or boundaries. Is this person personally uncomfortable with the strip club or is she trying to control her partner's behavior?
06/05/2013
surreptitious surreptitious
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
He has lied to her and said that he's never been to the strip club and doesn't need to go. She is very insecure and doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of it. He's going behind her back, saying he's doing other things while ... More
If he is getting involved with other women, then it doesn't matter if it's at a strip club or a supermarket. Unless it's within the boundaries of their relationship (which it clearly is not) /that/ is cheating, regardless of the location. Aside from which, the relationship sounds pretty unhealthy. If she's not allowed to have a social life and hasn't been able to talk it out with him, she should be packing her bags and leaving Mr. Controlling to his strippers.

I'd be interested to hear the opinions of those who think that it is cheating of a heterosexual woman going to an all-female strip club despite the fact that it makes her partner uncomfortable. I've never been to a male strip club myself, but I have been to clubs where all of the dancers were female. I understand your view, Stormy (in case you're reading this), and it makes perfect sense, but I wonder about the couple of others who've chosen it as an option.

Personally, even after reading these responses, I still don't define going to a strip club without getting involved with the dancers as "cheating," but I still think that lying is a pretty big deal, and if my partner were doing things behind my back, we would definitely have words.
06/05/2013
ShadowedSeductress ShadowedSeductress
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
He has lied to her and said that he's never been to the strip club and doesn't need to go. She is very insecure and doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of it. He's going behind her back, saying he's doing other things while ... More
This is absolutely cheating. Especially more so because he's being touched by them, and has implied that there is a "price for everything". I'm assuming this means that they have sexual contact with customers if the price is right. The entire relationship sounds unhealthy, and it's just sad that he's treating his girl like this. He is obviously a bit hypocritical as well.
06/05/2013
Lildrummrgurl7 Lildrummrgurl7
It definitely wrong and deceitful but I wouldn't considering it cheating until there's a relationship (physical or emotional) with another individual. However, the deceit and lies are just as bad as cheating.
06/05/2013
PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Cheating....no. There is no physical, emotional or interactive contact with another person specifically.

Lying, deceiving, destroying trust and intentionally causing hurt to another person...YES! If a person has hard boundaries in a ... More
She's EXTREMELY insecure, and has every right to be. She's a beautiful woman, but since she had a baby he's made her feel like she's less than attractive because she packed on a few extra pounds and her body changed. It's really quite sad!
06/05/2013
PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
Quote:
Originally posted by ShadowedSeductress
This is absolutely cheating. Especially more so because he's being touched by them, and has implied that there is a "price for everything". I'm assuming this means that they have sexual contact with customers if the price is right. ... More
He said that some of the strippers will go out to the cars and give blow jobs, and that they'll take customers upstairs and have sex if the price is right.
06/05/2013
SecretKinksters SecretKinksters
I would consider it wrong, but not cheating.
06/05/2013
bratcat bratcat
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
He has lied to her and said that he's never been to the strip club and doesn't need to go. She is very insecure and doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of it. He's going behind her back, saying he's doing other things while ... More
Initially when i ready your post i chose the last answer, as the behavior is not necessarily cheating but is deceptive and can damage a long-term relationship. However after reading this, yes, being involved with other women in or outside of a strip club IS cheating! and i very much agree with Surreptitious' response.

This person sounds like a manipulative and abusive partner, and i would encourage your friend to try and leave this person.
06/05/2013
Total posts: 110
Unique posters: 70