What would you consider as disrespectful? (For those in a relationship)

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What would you consider as disrespectful? (For those in a relationship)

Naughty Student Naughty Student
When I talk to a close friend about issues I have in my relationship and she shares her concerns with me, I get the sense that we have such varying views of what we are able to tolerate.

When I was beginning my relationship, I made it clear that respect was at the top of my list and if it was not respected it would be over. I'm wondering if I have let my guard down and let him be disrespectful to me.

So what is it that you would consider to be disrespectful? It doesn't have to be a big thing it can be anything at all.

I'm just trying to understand better how to interpret things in my life by considering what other think. I love my guy and we go though good and bad times. Maybe it seems like I'm trying to poke holes but really, I just want things to run smoother than ever.
01/21/2011
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PussyGalore PussyGalore
Disrespect is a concept best derived by the individual.

In my relationship, disrepect is texting my girlfriends without me knowing. Or blatantly withholding information from me that would allow me to make a choice for myself. Or creating email accounts and social network profiles without giving me access to them, not necessarily passwords, just not using them out in the open around me. Or blowing me off for friends if we have plans. Or not calling if he's going to be more than 30 minutes late.
01/21/2011
Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
My guy...

He'll ask for a sandwich and then, when I bring it (nice girl that I am) I have to stand there holding it while he finishes reading something or pauses his movie.

Omg, it makes me so mad and I find it SO disrespectful.

Odd how it's sometimes the small things!
01/21/2011
Naughty Student Naughty Student
I know...

I guess I was wondering if other people would put things down similar to my nitty picky idea of what I think disrespectful speech is like.

I mean, my guy doesn't call me names (bitch, idiot, or cow) or say I am ugly but he is very rude to me and he doesn't even realize it. When I point it out to him he thinks it's funny and says he was joking, or he thinks that I am overreacting. Sometimes he swears at me (ie. why the fuck would you do that, you know that I'm going to be there at ....) but he has been improving.

Sometimes I wish I had a camera with me to show him what it looks like and sounds like when he talks to me. It's asthough he can't step out from his shoes and put himself in mine.

It's like he talks down to me and he doesn't even realize that he's doing it bcs in his mind he isn't doing it, he's just talking. I talked to him about it often to check with him what he means when he says so and so. I tell him when he says something that sounds like he is putting me down, and everytime he says he isnt and he gets upset when I bring things like that up. He doesn't understand me thats why he gets annoyed.
01/21/2011
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Hmmm this is a tough question. It's a hard one to answer in full... I'll just ramble lol.

Lying is at the top of my list which also goes hand in hand with respect. I take this super seriously. If you cheat on me (knock on wood, I've never had this happen), at least have the decency to be a man and tell me. Lying is above cheating. You can fix a relationship in which infidelity has occurred (although very hard). You can't repair a relationship based entirely on lies.

Promises. This is also HUGE. Again, goes hand in hand with lying. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Everything comes from the hip. There's no bullshit. I don't make any promises I don't intend to keep. Sure, things get in the way...but don't dupe me into loving or trusting you by making false promises. I'll hold you to them.

Hypocrisy. I can't stand hypocrites. If my partner demands I do something or don't do something they better hold themselves to the same standard. It is super disrespectful when you break you own damn rules especially when I'm abiding by them, respecting you, and fulfilling your wishes.

Blatant hurt as well. I don't give a flying fuck if I hurt you first, don't hurt me to get back at me and don't hurt me to show me how it feels. It's childish. It doesn't matter how someone treats you, it doesn't ever give you the right to treat them the same way.

Not standing up for me or hiding me. If you can't stand up for me or have to hide me from people, you don't deserve me.

Talking is important as well. Don't swear at me, talk down to me, or call me names. I don't tolerate words like bitch, cunt, fuck you etc. I also don't tolerate yelling. I was yelled at enough as a kid. I'm an adult. Talk to me like one.

Not taking care of yourself. I would find it disrespectful if my partner did drugs, drove drunk, or something of the like. Don't hurt the things I love.

That brings me to safety. Don't do the same to me. Drive sober, safely, etc. Don't put me in dangerous or uncomfortable situations without my prior knowledge and consent.

Appreciation. Taking me for granted is disrespectful from the making a sandwich thing (Carrie Ann), to lending money, or even me opening up to you.

In the end...it's all about intent.

I hope that helps you! HAHA
01/21/2011
XxFallenAngelxX XxFallenAngelxX
Quote:
Originally posted by PussyGalore
Disrespect is a concept best derived by the individual.

In my relationship, disrepect is texting my girlfriends without me knowing. Or blatantly withholding information from me that would allow me to make a choice for myself. Or creating email ...
True
01/21/2011
XxFallenAngelxX XxFallenAngelxX
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
Hmmm this is a tough question. It's a hard one to answer in full... I'll just ramble lol.

Lying is at the top of my list which also goes hand in hand with respect. I take this super seriously. If you cheat on me (knock on wood, ...
Lauren, this was perfect!
01/21/2011
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I know...

I guess I was wondering if other people would put things down similar to my nitty picky idea of what I think disrespectful speech is like.

I mean, my guy doesn't call me names (bitch, idiot, or cow) or say I am ugly but he ...
I am the same way. I don't tolerate swearing AT me. I rarely swear. My boyfriend thinks it is funny when I do lol. If I swear (like above) it is to show emphasis. I rarely swear at people. I think it is classless. Use better words with those you respect.

OMG ME TOO with the camera thing! "It's like he talks down to me and he doesn't even realize that he's doing it bcs in his mind he isn't doing it." I had this problem once. I stopped talking to the guy every time he did it. Eventually he got the picture. If your boyfriend cares about you it should not matter if he thinks he is or is not doing something. What matters is that YOU do and he should want to do anything to change that.
01/21/2011
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by XxFallenAngelxX
Lauren, this was perfect!
LOL thanks! I could probably go on! There are too many people in the world to settle for less than you deserve. There is a lot I won't tolerate. Once, is one thing. Repeated stuff is just deliberate.
01/21/2011
Owl Identified Owl Identified
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I know...

I guess I was wondering if other people would put things down similar to my nitty picky idea of what I think disrespectful speech is like.

I mean, my guy doesn't call me names (bitch, idiot, or cow) or say I am ugly but he ...
I totally don't think you're being nit-picky at all. What you are describing sounds like a tone issue, and sometimes those are SUCH hard things to discuss. I can say to my boyfriend "you're being dismissive of what I'm saying" and he's like "no way! I just told you I'm listening!"

I sometimes can't communicate that it's the WAY he said it. With the dramatic sigh and the exasperated inflection. How do you describe that?

One thing someone told me that has really helped with communicating in conflicts (without putting another person on the defensive OR having to silence yourself,) is to use "I statements" when speaking. "I know you probably didn't mean to hurt me, but I felt hurt when you said..." or "I felt dismissed or invalidated when you said this..."

In my experience my boyfriend is less likely to feel accused and is more likely to consider his actions/words/tone. It's important that when I bring up an issue we are able to focus on that issue and not have it get derailed by him making it about HIMSELF and how upset he feels by my "accusation". If he goes on the defensive, nothing is getting resolved and that sucks.
01/21/2011
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Owl Identified
I totally don't think you're being nit-picky at all. What you are describing sounds like a tone issue, and sometimes those are SUCH hard things to discuss. I can say to my boyfriend "you're being dismissive of what I'm ...
Thanks, we do use the I method a lot but we are using it less and less bcs we are good at knowing how to talk to each other. We know that we if say something that might sound accusatory, the other won't take it that way (it all depends though...)

Sometimes he explains his behaviour in a rational/logical way that makes me feel really bad about how I interpreted his intention (he's good at making people feel bad and he knows it-but he doesn't do it on purpose with me the way he does with people he doesn't like)...

so I use "well it was my perception.../...that' s how I perceived it" to get him into my head but he hates it when I use that term. He says I'm all about perception and how people perceive things differently...lol. Maybe he finds it annoying bcs he doesn't get it.
01/21/2011
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
Hmmm this is a tough question. It's a hard one to answer in full... I'll just ramble lol.

Lying is at the top of my list which also goes hand in hand with respect. I take this super seriously. If you cheat on me (knock on wood, ...
Thats a very good and extensive list. Its pretty much what I would make my list out to be.
01/21/2011
Vaccinium Vaccinium
I'm pretty thick-skinned, so simple words or actions rarely get to me. I think the only thing I'd really find disrespectful is if she took me for granted. Fortunately, she doesn't (and vice versa).
01/21/2011
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
Hmmm this is a tough question. It's a hard one to answer in full... I'll just ramble lol.

Lying is at the top of my list which also goes hand in hand with respect. I take this super seriously. If you cheat on me (knock on wood, ...
This was great.

I have one that drives me CRAZY!

DO NOT under any circumstances, open the fridge, close it and then ask me where something is. If I tell you it is in there, you better open that fridge or cupboard right back up and look until you find it or just give up. I will not be getting up to find you something that was sitting in the very front of the top shelf you lazy bastard! If you don't want it badly enough to move your eyes from left to right, you aren't going to get it.

Naughty Student - The insulting you and then pretending it was a joke.. I have been there. If i tell you it is not a joke I think is funny, and explain that I do not appreciate being spoken to in that manner, it had better stop or you will have to find somebody else to disrespect. It is generally passive aggressive and intentional. Instead of being mean straight up they are hiding behind the premise of a joke. Really, they are the joke. Especially once you dump their ass for it.
01/21/2011
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Thats a very good and extensive list. Its pretty much what I would make my list out to be.
Then, no, you are not crazy, nitpicky, high maintenance etc. There needs to be more people out there who stand up to be treated how they deserve and put A-holes in their place. Maybe then, if more people demanded respect, people would be more respectful as a whole.
01/21/2011
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Emma (Girl With Fire)
This was great.

I have one that drives me CRAZY!

DO NOT under any circumstances, open the fridge, close it and then ask me where something is. If I tell you it is in there, you better open that fridge or cupboard right back up and look ...
I forgot one!

Believe me! Do not call me a liar, especially before you have looked into what I have said.

I think he acts like it is a joke because he doesn't have enough balls to admit he fucked up.
01/21/2011
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
Then, no, you are not crazy, nitpicky, high maintenance etc. There needs to be more people out there who stand up to be treated how they deserve and put A-holes in their place. Maybe then, if more people demanded respect, people would be more ...
I second this! I think the world is becoming far too concerned about avoiding conflict and nowhere near concerned enough about conflict resolution. What does this lead to? A LOT of bottled up anger, and people getting away with unspeakable shit because other people are too afraid to get involved or stand up for themselves.
01/21/2011
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Emma (Girl With Fire)
I second this! I think the world is becoming far too concerned about avoiding conflict and nowhere near concerned enough about conflict resolution. What does this lead to? A LOT of bottled up anger, and people getting away with unspeakable shit ...
TOTALLY! A friend of mine who considers me her best friend completely disrespecting me and mutual friend a while ago. I was so appalled with how she treated me that I straight up cut her off right then and there. I made no excuses for her behavior and don't regret doing so. She on the other hand couldn't believe that I didn't ever want to talk to her again. "How can you stay mad at me?" I'm not still mad at her, I just don't tolerate disrespect like that. I blame the internet. People don't know how to properly deal with stuff or communicate anymore. You can say or act how ever the hell you want on the internet, often without consequences. The real world is different and people are forgetting this. you can't just ignore people in real life (or delete them). They will continue to shit on you until you demand that they act different by standing up for yourself.
01/21/2011
Yoda Yoda
Disrespect is anything that dishonors your partner. If you flirt with others when away from home, if you disclose private information about your partner in joking conversation, if you do anything in private that you know would hurt them deeply, you are disrespecting them.
01/21/2011
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
I forgot one!

Believe me! Do not call me a liar, especially before you have looked into what I have said.

I think he acts like it is a joke because he doesn't have enough balls to admit he fucked up.
I often think that also, about not owning up. He ever hardly apologizes or recognizes his mistakes, it is really hard for him to do.
01/21/2011
XxFallenAngelxX XxFallenAngelxX
Where is the "like" button for this post, lol.....So many of us can relate to this issue with ex boyfriends and even some current ones.

Thanks for discussing this and I hope he changes these habits for "you".
01/21/2011
Rockin' Rockin'
A lot of good examples have been listed here already. Naughty Student wrote "It's like he talks down to me and he doesn't even realize that he's doing it bcs in his mind he isn't doing it, he's just talking." in one of her posts, and oh man, I totally do that.

I just had an argument with my boy *last night* about that, where he said I was being condescending and I didn't even know it. When we argue, it is almost always about tone, like Sex and Lies mentioned, and about HOW something is said, or when something is said WITH a dismissive action.

I've definitely said "I wish we had a recorder so you could hear how you sound during arguments, ESPECIALLY when you go and get upset about the way I've said something when you JUST talked the same way to me." Yeah, it sucks.

Being able to admit when you're wrong is a big, difficult thing. Being able to let things go (or brush things off) is something else that is just as big and difficult for some people.
01/21/2011
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I often think that also, about not owning up. He ever hardly apologizes or recognizes his mistakes, it is really hard for him to do.
My boyfriend didn't understand the point of apologies. It comes from the fact that he was with a girl who treated him like shit and rarely owned up or looked back. I explained to him that an apology is important to me. If you do something fine...but I need assurance that you understand what you did and will vow to do what you can to make it not happen again. Now he apologies for even the silliest of things...lol but I'd rather have it this way that no apologies at all.
01/21/2011
Total posts: 23
Unique posters: 10